Not an intj but a lurker infj and have been fighting for my life to be away from people like that lol —too exhausting
People usually say they like authentic people but in reality most do not. It’s because they are triggered and reminded how boring, indecisive, insecure they are. Envious, insecure people are the worst. No amount of empathy and understanding will fix these people. They will really be nitpicking and be hypercritical of others and never try to focus on themselves to change for the better.
Yeah, I see this a lot with INTJ, INFJ and INFP types. You can literally just be quiet and only speak when you have something real to say, and people still project that you think you are better than them.
With my cousin, just having interests was enough for her to feel like I was trying to “outdo” her or make her feel like she had to do more. She was scared people would compare us if she was not doing anything while I was just trying to enjoy my hobbies. I was not thinking about her at all, I just wanted to live my own life.
With INFJ and INFP, at least in my experience, you are more open about your feelings and not afraid to be vulnerable. People call that cringe, but those same people would rather die than admit a mistake or apologize. They act like any sign of emotion is weakness, when being honest about it actually takes more strength than pretending nothing bothers you.
I’ve dealt with this a lot for a lot of the same reasons. Insecure people do insecure things and the use conversation as a cover to probe for information to be upset and seethe about. It’s weird.
I experience weird jealousy from a lot of people and have for most of my adult life. I ascribe it to possessing a quiet confidence and capability that rattles people. I think that for them it creates a sharp contrast to what they feel are their own flaws, and so they attack me. The thing is, I don't think about myself egoically like that, and I don't judge or look down on anyone else. They've entirely created a hierarchy in their own minds, placed me at the top of it, and then attack me for this perceived lording over them.
I've been the subject of so many smear campaigns from: women who were interested in me and felt jilted when I didn't return that interest, colleagues who felt threatened by my competency at work, men who feel sexually or romantically threatened by me even upon first meeting when women are present (even if that woman is his girlfriend or wife), people who feel locked into conventional life paths and make backhanded comments to me about my travel and freedoms and how it makes me "lesser" than them... the list goes on. It's just weird and the only thing you can do is move away from those situations.
This is relatable on so many levels. I generally don’t compare myself to others, and even when I do it doesn’t come from a place of jealousy but rather admiration.
I sense a lot of people don’t view life in this way. They cannot separate their inadequacy with what you supposedly possess, so by getting rid of you it alleviates their issues. But in reality it’s only fixed until the next person triggers them lol. It’s like they are not aware of this…
My sister can't stand me. I think it's resentment because she thinks I had it easier because I'm smarter or something.
She's not entirely wrong--school was always blissfully easy for me--but I also had OCD and she didn't, so it all evened out in the end.
Where I have an edge on her as an adult is that if I want something, I figure out how to get it, and work towards that goal. If I need to delay some gratification, I do it. If I need to study, I do that. She doesn't have that drive and wants everyone to do things for her.
Yes, throughout my life I have dealt and still deal with the spontaneous envy of people, mainly family members or people who spend a lot of time close to me. This isn't going away and it will happen in various environments, including at work.
The best you can do is adapt your approach to dealing with the situation, for example, by not revealing too much about your plans or what you've been doing, unless it's someone truly trustworthy and you've already tested whether or not they're envious of you.
Whenever you introduce someone into your life, conduct a series of tests for a while and gradually reveal layers of information, this makes it easier to manage people.
Many people will make a scene, try to manipulate, throw tantrums like children, and even invent lies about you when they realize they have no control over you, much less that you reveal your secrets to them. But just stay strong and ignore these negative reactions. If possible, even distance yourself from people like that, often it's not worth trying to change them, understand their reasons, or try to adapt for harmony. People who are compatible with you won't react that way, which makes it easier to know who is good to be around and who isn't.
But of course, as INTJs, we like to analyze things, and this kind of pattern and mechanism of how people function can end up becoming interesting to analyze. I myself have been analyzing for many years the reason why people react this way, and in short, these people simply have some "internal block" that they want to spread to others just as it was spread to them, they become envious when they see someone progressing and try to take advantage of it or hinder them. They see this as being challenged, they don't want to give space to someone better than them or with similar levels.
It has been part of human nature for many centuries to have this type of reaction, the competition to be better and the struggle to be dominant. Intelligent people perceive these pointless barriers that others create and often, instead of competing, simply tell them to fuck off.
Successful, powerful, or intelligent people can often be considered "dangerous", and these envious individuals literally want to clip everyone's wings and establish how far someone can evolve or be good at something. Don't let that happen to you, ever. Always be alert and think carefully before expressing anything.
This really resonated with me, thank you for putting it into words so clearly. I was born into a very boundaryless family. My mom did not have good boundaries either and kept people around even when they harmed her. She was the only one of her sisters who got a degree, and they tried to sabotage her or discourage her from doing more, but she still kept them close.
When I was around 10 my aunt would get her daughter to copy everything I did, which made my cousin very competitive and resentful toward me. I loved my cousin, but she hated me because of her mom’s competitiveness. Her mom even told her that I thought I was better than them because my mom was educated. At that age I did not even know what a bachelor’s degree was. I was just a kid and they were already projecting their insecurities onto me.
So what you said about people wanting to clip wings fits a lot. I grew up in an environment where I was used as a blueprint instead of being allowed to exist as my own person. There has always been competitiveness and immature behavior in my extended family, so it felt “normal” for a long time. Because so many people were trying to put me down or use me as a resource, I did not even think of myself as intelligent or unique. I just thought I was the problem for wanting boundaries.
As I get older I am starting to see what you are describing. Some people really do have an internal block that they try to spread. They do not want to read, try, or risk failing, so they resent anyone who does. For me it is normal to act on noticeable gaps. I used to think of it in a purely logical way, like if they want to learn they can read. I assumed that everyone acted on gaps. I did not understand the emotional side, like the fear of failing or the ego hit of seeing someone younger progress.
I really like what you said about testing people and revealing information in layers. That makes a lot of sense for someone like me who grew up with no model for healthy boundaries. It helps to shift my mindset from “how do I make them understand me” to “who actually deserves access.”
Agreed. Inheritance brings out the worst in people fast. In my case he could afford to buy land. He just didn’t want to. He was pushing it while my dad was alive and healthy, which tells you what it was really about. No inheritance is worth my sanity or safety. I want to graduate and live a decent life. I am not putting myself in danger for anyone’s idea of “family.”
I never thought of it as jealously but your question made me really think about it and now I can see that jealously spilling over from others as hate or even avoiding me. I'm also one that gets really into my hobbies and one of those being languages. I don't really read books for fun but for knowledge so then I become that "Know it all" who also corrects peoples pronunciations (whether in English or any other language).
This personality trait is a rare one so that makes it harder for us to connect to other people. I can't quite understand why people act this way or that because it seems so irrational.
Same. I didn’t even label it as jealousy at first because I genuinely didn’t think there was anything to be jealous of. In my head it was simple logic: if you want a skill and you have time plus money, you buy resources, you practice, you improve. End of story.
What took me a while to understand is that a lot of people don’t run on logic. They run on ego and fear. If they’re scared of failing or looking stupid as a beginner, they’d rather do nothing and then resent the person who actually tries. Your effort becomes a mirror they didn’t ask for. It’s not really about the hobby, but what your hobby implies about them. Once I started seeing that emotional layer, the irrational behavior finally made sense.
That is incredibly perceptive. I never thought of it like that, that they blame us for their shortcomings. I obviously go along with your line of thinking, that if you want something, you work for it.
I see too many people that just want stuff but aren't willing to work or to be a beginner. The only fear I have now with language is making a fool of myself by not knowing enough...so keep practicing and keep asking questions!
But there's also this:
INTJs, or "Architects," are a relatively rare personality type, making up about 2.1% to 2.6%of the general population
So we're forever doomed to think that most of the population are fear mongering egotists...
I have the same fear of not knowing enough or sounding stupid. There is an area near me with a big Japanese community and I tried to immerse a bit by using Japanese when buying groceries and doing small errands. I definitely made mistakes, but most people were just happy I was genuinely interested and trying. A lot of them were patient and even helped me with grammar. That experience made it very clear that being a beginner is awkward, but not fatal, and that many people actually appreciate honest effort.
I think that is the core difference. For us, the embarrassment of being a beginner feels like getting hit with a pebble. It stings, but you keep going. For someone who is really insecure, even a small stumble or correction can feel like a punch to the chest, so they avoid the situation completely and then resent anyone who does not avoid it. I can empathize with the fear, but it gets exhausting when they take it out on you or try to block your goals.
I do not think we are doomed, but we are definitely outnumbered, so filtering who we let close feels more important than trying to convince everyone to think the same way.
what is their relevancy in your interest? do they have to like everything that you are talking about? everyone sees you as interesting and relevant is the expectations? it is possible, find out a shared interest and talk about that. they really should not be rude indeed . saying it as jealousy is saying about how they made you feel and how you deal with jealousy.
To clarify, the issue is not that my family does not share my interests. I do not expect anyone to care about fish, plants, or languages.
The problem is a pattern of boundary issues and entitlement. My uncle has a long history of trying to attach himself to my future resources and decisions. The inheritance comment was just one example. He ignores what I want and keeps trying to insert himself into my plans. My aunt did the same thing with my book. I told her I value my privacy. Instead of respecting that, she went to my mom to pull information out of her. That is not a different interest. That is a refusal to accept a basic boundary.
On top of that, they repeatedly ask me and my dad for advice they could easily get by reading or using Google, while having more money, time, and even a nanny. They ask me for advice, want me to teach their kids things that they should hire a tutor for, then act offended when I do not want to do it. They treat me like a resource. They want shortcuts from us, not shared interests or a real connection.
Calling it jealousy is not about wanting everyone to see me as interesting. It is my conclusion after watching a consistent pattern of control, intrusion, and resentment toward my effort, while they refuse to make any effort of their own.
I am not asking for fans. I am asking for basic respect for my boundaries, for them not to try to redirect my inheritance, not to treat my brain like a free resource, and not to snoop on my personal projects after I clearly say I like my privacy. The power imbalance matters, because they started this when I was a minor and tried to make me feel guilty for saying no while they were the ones ignoring boundaries. They barely have real interests. They just want to sit back while I explain things and pick out what is useful for them.
I don't see it as jealousy as much as self absorbed laziness. People have tried to use my brain and my capabilities for their own purposes since I was a teenager. They don't want to put in the effort of doing it themselves. Then when I can't or won't help, they attempt to guilt trip and manipulate me into doing it anyway.
I have been labeled a bad person for refusing to rescue or carry someone more than for any other reason, even my bluntness, and it came from people who made more than I did, had more resources than I had, or were carrying less responsibility than I was.
There is no stopping them. It's just how they are, so keep saying no when you don't want to do something and ignore any judgements that may follow.
I really like fish, too. One of my earliest jobs was a mom and pop pet shop that heavily specialized in aquariums. It left a life long impression on me.
Yeah, I get what you mean. I do think plain laziness is a huge part of it. It feels like they want to order off the menu without ever cooking. They want to use me as a resource instead of doing anything themselves.
What really gets to me is the power imbalance. I am a broke college student with no job security. I do not know if my book will go anywhere. I am just trying my best and this is the one period in my life where I am not also working, since I am a full time student. Every hour matters. So having people with stable jobs and a comfortable home trying to mine me for free labor, or wanting me to tutor their kids instead of hiring someone, feels insane. I am a psych major so people also try to treat me like a free therapist.
I really respect that you do not care about being labeled a bad person for saying no. I am trying to get better at that. I am learning to hold my boundaries and let go of the fear of being seen as difficult. I know talking about jealousy can sound arrogant from the outside, especially with how many posts throw that word around. There are more examples than I am willing to put on Reddit, and with my aunt and uncle I think it’s that as well as a fear of being left behind by a younger person in the family. With other people I agree it is probably more self absorbed laziness than conscious envy.
And yes, having fish is great, and it’s nice to see how they have their own personalities. When I have my own place I would love to keep fish again.
Yea there are lots of people who are driven by jealousy, I never understood it because I naively used to think most people were honest and wished the best for others like I did but most people are literally just small minded. I'm not gonna get into detail but once I learned this I started acting differently towards certain people, I think as an Intj my superpower is not giving a shit about peoples opinions and being able to nonchalantly just stoop down to their level and call them out directly. It's like putting a spotlight on a thief they just freeze and it feels good.
It took me a long time to figure this out. I’ve got a HELL of a teenage story where a “friend” punched me in the side of the face and I never fought back, and it still took me years to understand what was really going on underneath situations like that.
What happens a lot of the time is that we (especially INTJs) can struggle with two things:
Reading the room
Finding the right room for our personalities
People aren’t just unbelievably sensitive, they also care about stuff that can catch an untrained INTJ totally off guard. Without meaning to, you can make people feel exposed, belittled, “transparent,” or just less-than in ways they never asked for, and you might not even realize you’re doing it.
That’s a classic INTJ problem and, bluntly, it’s often not them. It’s you.
Just because you’re above it, or stoic, or not affected, or good at compartmentalizing (me)… does not mean your friends, family, and COWORKERS (yelling at myself too) aren’t extremely typical humans. You’re the ~2% personality type, and that doesn’t make you “special.” It means you have to work hard to understand the other 98% and especially the huge chunk of them who are heavily driven by how they feel.
Maya Angelou’s line is dead-on: people forget a lot of things, but they don’t forget how you made them feel. And that’s doubly true when you make them feel bad.
So a lot of the time, they’re not jealous of you. They’re apprehensive about you, because they expect you to make them feel a way they don’t want to feel. It’s tempting to say “fuck them, they’re being emotional,” when the more accurate diagnosis is: you’re not reading the room.
Self-realized INTJs are probably always going to deal with the “philosopher’s sorrow” in one form or another, but don’t make the mistake of concluding it’s a “them” problem every time. That mindset will make life unnecessarily difficult and lonely, because finding spaces where you can be fully yourself often comes with real trade-offs.
I agree with a lot of this. INTJs can absolutely miss how we land, and “jealousy” can be an easy label when the real issue is discomfort, apprehension, or feeling exposed. I’ve also learned the hard way that intent matters less than impact in most social settings.
That said, what I’m describing with certain relatives is not “I made them feel transparent so now they avoid me.” It’s a long pattern of boundary pushing, guilt, and attempts to insert themselves into my time, decisions, and resources, starting when I was a minor. That power imbalance matters. “Read the room better” does not explain an adult routing around a clear privacy boundary or acting entitled to a young person’s labor and future assets.
I added more context in other replies, but one early example is that when I was around 10 my aunt projected her insecurity onto me by making her daughter copy my hobbies and telling her I thought I was better than their family because my mom has a bachelor’s degree, when I did not even know what a degree was at that age.
I’m not claiming it’s always “their jealousy” and never me. I’m saying there are two different categories here: normal social misreads that I can own and adjust, and repeated boundary violations that I will not rationalize away as a communication issue.
You are right. Your situation is a bit different and I gave a thorough response to a nerve it hit in me because I know the pattern. I can say this - which still overlaps and relates - it is a frustration with lack of an ability to connect with you. If they connect by culture or authority like many immigrant famillies, then don't think about it as trying to run your life. It is like Grandparents that spoil the grandkids.. they do it because they no longer have to 'raise' the kids so the most fun avenue of relating to them is via adornment. So if you have a family member 'getting in your business' ask yourself if there are any other ways the family member can/should relate to you. ANYTIME someone who loves you , or chooses to be around you directs time/energy/intent towards you, it will server you well to try and understand it as not a bad intention.
Boundaries are YOURS to enforce establish, and maintain without burning the bride per se. That is why your posts interested me so much, because it sounds so much like me. Relationships are work, and INTJs can work out most things buy staring up and to the right, and thinking about it a few minutes. Family is not something you can solve like that. Whatever it is you THINK is going on. I am willing to bet you have more agency in changing it than you might realize.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I agree, a lot of the time family involvement is about wanting to connect, especially in cultures where advice and authority are a default language of care. In my culture, the male relative sometimes acts almost like the “police” for the women in the family. My grandmother told my uncle he should make sure we were not messing around with boys. He took that to mean being in all our business when I was a teen, even though I was a good student, not going out at night, nothing rebellious. Even my parents respected my privacy more than he did, but he felt more entitled to know everything and got angry when we did not share. Eventually, he crossed a line that I could have filed a police report on, and that is when I had to cut him off for good. I guess I could have explained it better, as what my post touches is just the surface of an ocean.
I know cultural differences matter, and some people really do want to connect, but I have also seen people use “culture” as a shield to justify control or invasion. Both things can exist. The United States is more independent-minded, but where my family is from, boundaries are looser. I do have relatives who care and try to engage with me in a positive way, and I appreciate that. But with my uncle, there was never a foundation of trust. My grandmother gave him authority from the beginning, so he just expected access. He never built any relationship where I would want to confide in him, and when I did not, he took it personally. Meanwhile, I was just focused on my education, nothing “juicy” to share, and it always felt off.
So yes, I see how advice and involvement can sometimes be a form of care, and sometimes it is about the older generation feeling important. In my case, both things are true at the same time, and it is not always easy to separate them. The situation is more complex than I can fully explain in a post, but I appreciate you sharing your perspective and giving me another angle to think about.
I can totally relate to you. I'm currently at the lowest point.. down in the dumps in my life and yet whenever there's a family gathering, when I walk in.. I sense people's jealousy, the shift in tone, their expressions, everything.
When I join a conversation in a group, majority try to attack me for my looks (I'm skinny) coz they nor their forefathers can compete against me on any level. I've experienced many things in life, I consume knowledge like no-one. I'm precise in my speech, I help people in the way they like to be helped.
Earlier, I used to feel sad as to why they belittle me but with time I started to like it. I like to see the complex in their eyes, I like to see them being threaten by my presence. It took me many years to realise my worth, others were keeping me down on purpose so that they could feel powerful. Now, I know what ticks them, I press their buttons and enjoy the theatre 🎭 of losing their sanity 😈
You can disagree with the word jealousy. I am judging my relatives off years of direct contact. The actual issue is a repeated pattern of boundary pushing and entitlement. I explained more in other replies.
If you do not see entitlement in what I described, that is your read. Calling it “lack of social intelligence” off a single snapshot is just you pretending you know more about my life than I do.
You wrote paragraphs to demonstrate jealousy, none of it shows jealousy, boundary pushing, or entitlement. It does show someone who is highly sensitive and incorrectly interpreting social interactions.
You can pull the "you don't know me" card, but I do know you. I can tell by your text and speaking patterns, I've seen a "you" a thousand times. You're a professional at spotting how other people are performing some kind of injustice to you, when they're actually just having a normal human interaction. I don't know the fine details about your life, but I do know how your life goes, in general, it's a series of volatile relationships and job hopping due to "managers and or co-workers who have it out for you or are unfair to you" coupled with excuse making and blocking people on social media who are "toxic" to you followed by new years posts about how the last year sucked.
You are not critiquing my post, you are writing fanfiction about a stranger. You cannot “tell by my text” that you know my life trajectory. That is projection, and it’s ironic you’re accusing me of misinterpreting people while doing exactly that.
If you want to argue, address what I actually described. Again, I added more context in my replies, including things that started when I was a minor. If your response is a made up biography about job hopping and blocking people, then you are not discussing my situation. You are venting.
Continuing the discussion out of a curiosity of the strange and peculiar. You asked me to address what you actually described so I will. Keep in mind my statement is that none of you typed in your opening post displays jealousy which is the topic of the entire reddit post. Let's take this one:
"Some relatives were openly jealous, even though they had good jobs and more resources. They had zero bookshelves at home. If they wanted to learn Chinese or anything else, nothing was stopping them. Why the fuck be jealous of a teenager spending allowance money on interests? Makes no sense."
Where in here are you demonstrating someone being jealous? I'm not saying they aren't, I'm saying you didn't show any signs of jealousy on their part. How would one even demonstrate that they are jealous of you learning Chinese?
"My cousin was jealous too, despite living in a nicer house across from a Barnes & Noble. I was actually envious of her easy access to books, but somehow I was the problem because I actually used what I had."
Jealous how? There's no demonstration of jealousy here. What made you think that they believe you are a "problem?"
"Recently, I went quiet and stopped calling family because I’m busy writing a book. My aunt sensed I was up to something important and asked what I was doing. I politely said I like my privacy. Two days later, she disrespectfully tried to get information from my mom."
This doesn't show jealousy. You say yourself that you stopped calling family. From the readers point of view it sounds like your Aunt cares and called to see if everything is ok and you basically told her to go away, so she went and asked her sister (your mom) if everything is ok yet you interpret that as disrespectful. You really think your Aunt doesn't have the right to ask her sister what is going on with her own niece? Look maybe your Aunt is a raging jealous bitch but you have to tell us why you come to that conclusion.
This is a good one :
"My uncle also acted weird in the past. When I was 13, he found out I’d inherit my dad’s small piece of land someday. Immediately he tried telling me we’d start a business there. Why assume I’d even want that? It’s my fucking inheritance. He acted entitled, boundary-less, and jealous, like he only wants me to succeed if he can get credit. My mom later confirmed he’s always been jealous of me."
You honestly believe that a grown man is jealous of a 13 year old girl? You said yourself they have more money than your family and that the land is small, maybe they are trying to support you by giving you an option of starting a business with their money on your land, a dual venture, but you think he's attacking you.
I'm curious, do you think I'm jealous of you right now? Serious question.
I added more context in an edit at the bottom of my original post. You are reacting to a thin slice and then filling in the rest with your own assumptions. It is interesting to me how confidently you claim to “know” my whole life while not knowing any of the actual history.
That uncle did not grow up in the U.S. He had a bad childhood and has openly resented the opportunities my cousin and I had growing up in America. When I was 17 and about to graduate, he crossed a line with me and my cousin that I could have filed a police report on. After that, he tried to act normal like nothing happened, and when it was clear I did not trust him, he used his wife to snoop and ask what I was doing. That’s why his wife asking was such a big deal for me.
He would give unsolicited advice on topics he has no expertise in, then gets offended when we do not ask him for guidance. The issue was his need to insert himself and then punish boundaries with guilt or anger. He also has an authority complex. He graduated high school, and then went 15 plus years without picking up a book, yet he thinks everyone should be asking him for advice because my grandmother crowned him the “family leader.” He acts like he’s a king and the rest of us are supposed to fall in line. He has never started a business, yet pushes business advice. He has even claimed he can “cure autism,” which is not how autism works. Autism is a neurodevelopmental condition. There is no cure. He would tell my cousin and I that we should trust him more than our own parents. That is not normal. My parents respected my privacy. He wanted access to every detail of my life, even details most parents would never demand.
As for my cousin, my edit explains more. Any time I started a hobby, her mom made her copy it, even when my cousin told me she did not want to. The cousin grew up to resent me because of her mother’s projecting, comparison, and manufacturing of competition.
I am not here to convince you personally. I have already had useful conversations with people who engaged in good faith and offered other explanations without predicting my entire life or calling me volatile and unstable. And no, I do not think you are jealous of me. I think you are hostile and overconfident in your read of strangers online, and that is all. Take care.
People probably don't care about you as much as you feel.
If everyone is jealous for something as ubiquitous and free to hold as interests, the premise makes no sense, as you've already professed. Reevaluate your premises.
Honestly, I think you hold some pretty immature, egocentric views that lack self-awareness. I think this is an inaccurate and misleading narrative.
That’s fine. Most people don’t care. The ones who push for access to my time, projects, or resources care enough to interfere. That is the issue. I explained more in other replies and will not repeat it here.
I did not say “everyone is jealous.” I said specific relatives show a pattern of entitlement and boundary violations, and I call the motive jealousy because they react the same way whenever I focus on my own life and refuse to be used. If you disagree, fine. Calling me “immature” and “lacking self-awareness” off a single Reddit snapshot is a reach.
If you aimed at my views, then critique the view, not me. Calling a view “immature” or “lacking self-awareness” off a snapshot still assumes things about the person. The view is simple: specific relatives show a long pattern of boundary pushing and entitlement. My read is jealousy plus control.
Too little detail gets called vague. Too much gets called trauma dumping. I have given enough for a public thread. If you disagree, offer a better model for the same behaviors or move on.
If you aimed at my views, then critique the view, not me. Calling a view “immature” or “lacking self-awareness” off a snapshot still assumes things about the person. The view is simple: specific relatives show a long pattern of boundary pushing and entitlement. My read is jealousy plus control.
Too little detail gets called vague. Too much gets called trauma dumping. I have given enough for a public thread. If you disagree, offer a better model for the same behaviors or move on.
I have offered the model, the premise looks ridiculous, on its face. Reflect on the premise, and substantiate it outside of your personal feelings. Ask one of those relatives if and why they're jealous, because I'm almost certain you'll have to further rationalize your cognitive bias' by calling them a liar.
"Many of my relatives are jealous of me for having interests". That's your claim, and your title and post operates as if its fact, but the problem with that is it requires you to assume motivation and assign intent; which is where my claim critiques your views in immaturity, inexperience, and ego.
It's substantiated by your own profession, this story, these things, "makes no sense". I offer a plausible explanation, your narrative lacks one, because whatever you want to subtly hint at is something built in ego, and something you don't want to say out loud.
Furthermore, there is actually no standard barometer for the "correct" level of detail, that is a self-induced restriction you've applied to yourself here. Frankly, I feel clarity is better, and details tend to provide more insight than vague recollections which often require readers to trust the narrative being pushed.
“Ask them if they’re jealous” is not a test. Insecure people do not confess envy on command. Most will deny it, rationalize it, or flip it back on you. If you want to debate motive, you look at repeated behavior over time, not a forced yes or no question.
My claim is that specific relatives show a repeated pattern of entitlement, boundary pushing, and attempts to control access to me, and jealousy is one plausible motive behind that pattern. I also consider my replies and clarifications part of the thread, not just the original post.
One early example is that when I was around 10, my aunt pushed her insecurity onto me by making her daughter copy my hobbies and then telling her I thought I was better than their family because my mom had a bachelor’s degree, when I did not even know what a degree was at that age. That is an adult manufacturing rivalry in children.
The same cousin who later treated my normal hobbies as a threat. When I was moving to a new state, I told her I had nothing against her because I was aware of the dynamic her mother created. She agreed. We did not talk for a year because we were not close. Then when she found out I would be at a cousin’s wedding, she tried to spread false rumors about me to isolate me there. Other relatives called her out and said they believed she was jealous. When confronted, she stayed silent. The rumor she chose was that I “made her feel fat” because I liked to run. I never commented on her body. Her own father compared her to me and called her fat. She carried that resentment and aimed it at me anyway. At the wedding she was 20 and the “incident” she dragged up was from when I was 15. That is projection and social control, not me being egocentric.
I have more examples than I can count across multiple relatives, though I will not be listing my entire life here.
So yes, I am assigning motive based on repeated behavior. That’s normal inference. You are also assigning motive when you call me immature, egocentric, and “built in ego” based on a Reddit snapshot. The difference is I’m describing years of contact and you’re doing armchair diagnosis off a thread.
If you have a better explanation for the same behaviors, give it. If your only contribution is “your premise is ridiculous” and “you lack self-awareness,” then there’s nothing to discuss. Others understood the pattern and I got the advice I needed.
You've crafted what is called an unfalsifiable premise, because only your narrative "counts", everyone is lying or rationalizing, only you are being objective - I wonder if you can spot the irony and internal inconsistency.
So really, there is no valid pushback towards your perception and understanding, only validation. If that's the sort of chamber that resonates with you, more power to you; I wanted to provide another perspective, but it seems like that was really discomforting to you.
You're absolutely right, if you monolith yourself and understanding of things, there is nothing to discuss. Cheers.
You’re still dodging the actual behaviors and arguing meta. My premise is not “unfalsifiable.” It’s simple: repeated boundary pushing and social sabotage happened. That is falsifiable. Either those events occurred or they didn’t.
Calling it “everyone is lying” is your straw man. I never said that. I said insecure people don’t confess envy on command, which is basic social reality. That does not make my view unfalsifiable. It makes your proposed “test” useless.
Also, this isn’t “discomfort with another perspective.” I accepted critique from people who engaged the facts. You offered insults, then tried to rebrand them as objectivity.
You did not say a ten-year-old provoked anything, but your framing reduces these examples to my ego and “immaturity,” which implies the problem was me even in situations where an adult manufactured rivalry around me as a child. Same with the wedding rumor situation. If that’s your read, then we’re done. Cheers.
Okay, how would anyone other than yourself falsify your premise? I've criticized the internal inconsistencies and connected your self-professed sentiment that it makes no sense, to my observations, and you handwaved it away as invalid. You sensitively lashed backed rather violently, dismissively; absent curiosity and inquiry.
You are the one who introduced “unfalsifiable.” You set a standard no outsider could ever meet. Reddit cannot falsify family history. What you can do is evaluate whether the behaviors I described are coherent and offer a rival explanation that fits the same facts. I have been curious from the start and asked for a better model. I have waited. You still have not offered one.
Your “just ask if they are jealous” idea fails in real life. Envy is rarely confessed, and denial tells you nothing. That is not handwaving. That is reality. I also confronted my cousin. She said there was no issue, then started rumors after a year of no contact.
Nothing about my reply was “violent.” That is loaded language meant to reframe pushback as emotional instability. I’ve engaged deeply with commenters who offered substance, including those I disagreed with. None resorted to calling me immature, egocentric, or “violent” to make their point.
If you have a better model that does not rely on diagnosing my character, present it. What you offered was critique and vague labels, not an alternative that fits the facts: why an aunt would manufacture rivalry in children, why a cousin would start rumors to isolate me after a year of no contact, why relatives would route around a clear privacy boundary, etc. If you cannot explain those behaviors with a coherent model, stop pretending this is about epistemology.
Trying to read all of this and can't. It just feels like one of those "arrogant INTJ" posts that pop up every now and then. Throwing the word jealousy around while mostly not having good examples of it being actual jealousy. It's like the woman who is a 6 or 7 on a scale of 10 claiming everyone who is not nice to her is jealous.
Can't tolerate reading a long comment, either, but not respecting boundaries does not equal jealousy. You sound young, and, really, adults simply tend not to respect the boundaries of young people. From what I did read, my guess would be that everyone thinks you're weird--especially for a young person--and there's some level of concern about the things you're doing in private because they don't understand you (which I don't blame them--several mass shooter stories we've heard have been about weird young people who had guns and other crazy shit hidden in their bedroom, and then everyone is wondering why the family didn't know what was in this person's room). The uncle thing is probably a typical odd uncle/aunt scenario that half of families have.
You are reacting to a stereotype, not to what I actually wrote. You also admit you did not read the whole post or comment, then claim I have no real examples. That is not a serious take.
I never said “not respecting boundaries equals jealousy.” I described a long pattern of boundary violations and entitlement, and I used jealousy as my conclusion about their motives, not as the only issue. The examples I gave are the mild end of it. The real reason I cut my uncle off is that he crossed a line serious enough that I could have gone to the police. I am not going to put those details on Reddit for strangers.
Adults often ignore young people’s boundaries. That does not make it normal or healthy. That is the problem.
Jumping from “a young person likes privacy and has hobbies” to comparing me to “weird young people” in mass shooter stories is not concern. It is prejudice.
If you find long posts annoying, you can scroll. What you do not get to do is skim a situation you openly say you did not read, project “arrogant INTJ” onto it, and then declare my experience invalid.
Not an intj but a lurker infj and have been fighting for my life to be away from people like that lol —too exhausting
People usually say they like authentic people but in reality most do not. It’s because they are triggered and reminded how boring, indecisive, insecure they are. Envious, insecure people are the worst. No amount of empathy and understanding will fix these people. They will really be nitpicking and be hypercritical of others and never try to focus on themselves to change for the better.
Yeah, I see this a lot with INTJ, INFJ and INFP types. You can literally just be quiet and only speak when you have something real to say, and people still project that you think you are better than them.
With my cousin, just having interests was enough for her to feel like I was trying to “outdo” her or make her feel like she had to do more. She was scared people would compare us if she was not doing anything while I was just trying to enjoy my hobbies. I was not thinking about her at all, I just wanted to live my own life.
With INFJ and INFP, at least in my experience, you are more open about your feelings and not afraid to be vulnerable. People call that cringe, but those same people would rather die than admit a mistake or apologize. They act like any sign of emotion is weakness, when being honest about it actually takes more strength than pretending nothing bothers you.
This is the answer.
I’ve dealt with this a lot for a lot of the same reasons. Insecure people do insecure things and the use conversation as a cover to probe for information to be upset and seethe about. It’s weird.
I experience weird jealousy from a lot of people and have for most of my adult life. I ascribe it to possessing a quiet confidence and capability that rattles people. I think that for them it creates a sharp contrast to what they feel are their own flaws, and so they attack me. The thing is, I don't think about myself egoically like that, and I don't judge or look down on anyone else. They've entirely created a hierarchy in their own minds, placed me at the top of it, and then attack me for this perceived lording over them.
I've been the subject of so many smear campaigns from: women who were interested in me and felt jilted when I didn't return that interest, colleagues who felt threatened by my competency at work, men who feel sexually or romantically threatened by me even upon first meeting when women are present (even if that woman is his girlfriend or wife), people who feel locked into conventional life paths and make backhanded comments to me about my travel and freedoms and how it makes me "lesser" than them... the list goes on. It's just weird and the only thing you can do is move away from those situations.
This is relatable on so many levels. I generally don’t compare myself to others, and even when I do it doesn’t come from a place of jealousy but rather admiration.
I sense a lot of people don’t view life in this way. They cannot separate their inadequacy with what you supposedly possess, so by getting rid of you it alleviates their issues. But in reality it’s only fixed until the next person triggers them lol. It’s like they are not aware of this…
My sister can't stand me. I think it's resentment because she thinks I had it easier because I'm smarter or something.
She's not entirely wrong--school was always blissfully easy for me--but I also had OCD and she didn't, so it all evened out in the end.
Where I have an edge on her as an adult is that if I want something, I figure out how to get it, and work towards that goal. If I need to delay some gratification, I do it. If I need to study, I do that. She doesn't have that drive and wants everyone to do things for her.
Yes, throughout my life I have dealt and still deal with the spontaneous envy of people, mainly family members or people who spend a lot of time close to me. This isn't going away and it will happen in various environments, including at work.
The best you can do is adapt your approach to dealing with the situation, for example, by not revealing too much about your plans or what you've been doing, unless it's someone truly trustworthy and you've already tested whether or not they're envious of you.
Whenever you introduce someone into your life, conduct a series of tests for a while and gradually reveal layers of information, this makes it easier to manage people.
Many people will make a scene, try to manipulate, throw tantrums like children, and even invent lies about you when they realize they have no control over you, much less that you reveal your secrets to them. But just stay strong and ignore these negative reactions. If possible, even distance yourself from people like that, often it's not worth trying to change them, understand their reasons, or try to adapt for harmony. People who are compatible with you won't react that way, which makes it easier to know who is good to be around and who isn't.
But of course, as INTJs, we like to analyze things, and this kind of pattern and mechanism of how people function can end up becoming interesting to analyze. I myself have been analyzing for many years the reason why people react this way, and in short, these people simply have some "internal block" that they want to spread to others just as it was spread to them, they become envious when they see someone progressing and try to take advantage of it or hinder them. They see this as being challenged, they don't want to give space to someone better than them or with similar levels.
It has been part of human nature for many centuries to have this type of reaction, the competition to be better and the struggle to be dominant. Intelligent people perceive these pointless barriers that others create and often, instead of competing, simply tell them to fuck off.
Successful, powerful, or intelligent people can often be considered "dangerous", and these envious individuals literally want to clip everyone's wings and establish how far someone can evolve or be good at something. Don't let that happen to you, ever. Always be alert and think carefully before expressing anything.
This really resonated with me, thank you for putting it into words so clearly. I was born into a very boundaryless family. My mom did not have good boundaries either and kept people around even when they harmed her. She was the only one of her sisters who got a degree, and they tried to sabotage her or discourage her from doing more, but she still kept them close.
When I was around 10 my aunt would get her daughter to copy everything I did, which made my cousin very competitive and resentful toward me. I loved my cousin, but she hated me because of her mom’s competitiveness. Her mom even told her that I thought I was better than them because my mom was educated. At that age I did not even know what a bachelor’s degree was. I was just a kid and they were already projecting their insecurities onto me.
So what you said about people wanting to clip wings fits a lot. I grew up in an environment where I was used as a blueprint instead of being allowed to exist as my own person. There has always been competitiveness and immature behavior in my extended family, so it felt “normal” for a long time. Because so many people were trying to put me down or use me as a resource, I did not even think of myself as intelligent or unique. I just thought I was the problem for wanting boundaries.
As I get older I am starting to see what you are describing. Some people really do have an internal block that they try to spread. They do not want to read, try, or risk failing, so they resent anyone who does. For me it is normal to act on noticeable gaps. I used to think of it in a purely logical way, like if they want to learn they can read. I assumed that everyone acted on gaps. I did not understand the emotional side, like the fear of failing or the ego hit of seeing someone younger progress.
I really like what you said about testing people and revealing information in layers. That makes a lot of sense for someone like me who grew up with no model for healthy boundaries. It helps to shift my mindset from “how do I make them understand me” to “who actually deserves access.”
A bit. I stopped sharing all the things I did because some people started to feel stupid compared to me and became quite nasty
inheritance issues really bring out the ugliness under the surface in family. seen it firsthand
Agreed. Inheritance brings out the worst in people fast. In my case he could afford to buy land. He just didn’t want to. He was pushing it while my dad was alive and healthy, which tells you what it was really about. No inheritance is worth my sanity or safety. I want to graduate and live a decent life. I am not putting myself in danger for anyone’s idea of “family.”
I never thought of it as jealously but your question made me really think about it and now I can see that jealously spilling over from others as hate or even avoiding me. I'm also one that gets really into my hobbies and one of those being languages. I don't really read books for fun but for knowledge so then I become that "Know it all" who also corrects peoples pronunciations (whether in English or any other language).
This personality trait is a rare one so that makes it harder for us to connect to other people. I can't quite understand why people act this way or that because it seems so irrational.
Same. I didn’t even label it as jealousy at first because I genuinely didn’t think there was anything to be jealous of. In my head it was simple logic: if you want a skill and you have time plus money, you buy resources, you practice, you improve. End of story.
What took me a while to understand is that a lot of people don’t run on logic. They run on ego and fear. If they’re scared of failing or looking stupid as a beginner, they’d rather do nothing and then resent the person who actually tries. Your effort becomes a mirror they didn’t ask for. It’s not really about the hobby, but what your hobby implies about them. Once I started seeing that emotional layer, the irrational behavior finally made sense.
That is incredibly perceptive. I never thought of it like that, that they blame us for their shortcomings. I obviously go along with your line of thinking, that if you want something, you work for it.
I see too many people that just want stuff but aren't willing to work or to be a beginner. The only fear I have now with language is making a fool of myself by not knowing enough...so keep practicing and keep asking questions!
But there's also this:
INTJs, or "Architects," are a relatively rare personality type, making up about 2.1% to 2.6% of the general population
So we're forever doomed to think that most of the population are fear mongering egotists...
I have the same fear of not knowing enough or sounding stupid. There is an area near me with a big Japanese community and I tried to immerse a bit by using Japanese when buying groceries and doing small errands. I definitely made mistakes, but most people were just happy I was genuinely interested and trying. A lot of them were patient and even helped me with grammar. That experience made it very clear that being a beginner is awkward, but not fatal, and that many people actually appreciate honest effort.
I think that is the core difference. For us, the embarrassment of being a beginner feels like getting hit with a pebble. It stings, but you keep going. For someone who is really insecure, even a small stumble or correction can feel like a punch to the chest, so they avoid the situation completely and then resent anyone who does not avoid it. I can empathize with the fear, but it gets exhausting when they take it out on you or try to block your goals.
I do not think we are doomed, but we are definitely outnumbered, so filtering who we let close feels more important than trying to convince everyone to think the same way.
what is their relevancy in your interest? do they have to like everything that you are talking about? everyone sees you as interesting and relevant is the expectations? it is possible, find out a shared interest and talk about that. they really should not be rude indeed . saying it as jealousy is saying about how they made you feel and how you deal with jealousy.
To clarify, the issue is not that my family does not share my interests. I do not expect anyone to care about fish, plants, or languages.
The problem is a pattern of boundary issues and entitlement. My uncle has a long history of trying to attach himself to my future resources and decisions. The inheritance comment was just one example. He ignores what I want and keeps trying to insert himself into my plans. My aunt did the same thing with my book. I told her I value my privacy. Instead of respecting that, she went to my mom to pull information out of her. That is not a different interest. That is a refusal to accept a basic boundary.
On top of that, they repeatedly ask me and my dad for advice they could easily get by reading or using Google, while having more money, time, and even a nanny. They ask me for advice, want me to teach their kids things that they should hire a tutor for, then act offended when I do not want to do it. They treat me like a resource. They want shortcuts from us, not shared interests or a real connection.
Calling it jealousy is not about wanting everyone to see me as interesting. It is my conclusion after watching a consistent pattern of control, intrusion, and resentment toward my effort, while they refuse to make any effort of their own.
I am not asking for fans. I am asking for basic respect for my boundaries, for them not to try to redirect my inheritance, not to treat my brain like a free resource, and not to snoop on my personal projects after I clearly say I like my privacy. The power imbalance matters, because they started this when I was a minor and tried to make me feel guilty for saying no while they were the ones ignoring boundaries. They barely have real interests. They just want to sit back while I explain things and pick out what is useful for them.
you got that right. yeah thay sucks. i don't know why they do that.
I don't see it as jealousy as much as self absorbed laziness. People have tried to use my brain and my capabilities for their own purposes since I was a teenager. They don't want to put in the effort of doing it themselves. Then when I can't or won't help, they attempt to guilt trip and manipulate me into doing it anyway.
I have been labeled a bad person for refusing to rescue or carry someone more than for any other reason, even my bluntness, and it came from people who made more than I did, had more resources than I had, or were carrying less responsibility than I was.
There is no stopping them. It's just how they are, so keep saying no when you don't want to do something and ignore any judgements that may follow.
I really like fish, too. One of my earliest jobs was a mom and pop pet shop that heavily specialized in aquariums. It left a life long impression on me.
Yeah, I get what you mean. I do think plain laziness is a huge part of it. It feels like they want to order off the menu without ever cooking. They want to use me as a resource instead of doing anything themselves.
What really gets to me is the power imbalance. I am a broke college student with no job security. I do not know if my book will go anywhere. I am just trying my best and this is the one period in my life where I am not also working, since I am a full time student. Every hour matters. So having people with stable jobs and a comfortable home trying to mine me for free labor, or wanting me to tutor their kids instead of hiring someone, feels insane. I am a psych major so people also try to treat me like a free therapist.
I really respect that you do not care about being labeled a bad person for saying no. I am trying to get better at that. I am learning to hold my boundaries and let go of the fear of being seen as difficult. I know talking about jealousy can sound arrogant from the outside, especially with how many posts throw that word around. There are more examples than I am willing to put on Reddit, and with my aunt and uncle I think it’s that as well as a fear of being left behind by a younger person in the family. With other people I agree it is probably more self absorbed laziness than conscious envy.
And yes, having fish is great, and it’s nice to see how they have their own personalities. When I have my own place I would love to keep fish again.
Yea there are lots of people who are driven by jealousy, I never understood it because I naively used to think most people were honest and wished the best for others like I did but most people are literally just small minded. I'm not gonna get into detail but once I learned this I started acting differently towards certain people, I think as an Intj my superpower is not giving a shit about peoples opinions and being able to nonchalantly just stoop down to their level and call them out directly. It's like putting a spotlight on a thief they just freeze and it feels good.
Yes… and it’s rarely actual jealousy.
It took me a long time to figure this out. I’ve got a HELL of a teenage story where a “friend” punched me in the side of the face and I never fought back, and it still took me years to understand what was really going on underneath situations like that.
What happens a lot of the time is that we (especially INTJs) can struggle with two things:
People aren’t just unbelievably sensitive, they also care about stuff that can catch an untrained INTJ totally off guard. Without meaning to, you can make people feel exposed, belittled, “transparent,” or just less-than in ways they never asked for, and you might not even realize you’re doing it.
That’s a classic INTJ problem and, bluntly, it’s often not them. It’s you.
Just because you’re above it, or stoic, or not affected, or good at compartmentalizing (me)… does not mean your friends, family, and COWORKERS (yelling at myself too) aren’t extremely typical humans. You’re the ~2% personality type, and that doesn’t make you “special.” It means you have to work hard to understand the other 98% and especially the huge chunk of them who are heavily driven by how they feel.
Maya Angelou’s line is dead-on: people forget a lot of things, but they don’t forget how you made them feel. And that’s doubly true when you make them feel bad.
So a lot of the time, they’re not jealous of you. They’re apprehensive about you, because they expect you to make them feel a way they don’t want to feel. It’s tempting to say “fuck them, they’re being emotional,” when the more accurate diagnosis is: you’re not reading the room.
Self-realized INTJs are probably always going to deal with the “philosopher’s sorrow” in one form or another, but don’t make the mistake of concluding it’s a “them” problem every time. That mindset will make life unnecessarily difficult and lonely, because finding spaces where you can be fully yourself often comes with real trade-offs.
Thanks for sharing.
I agree with a lot of this. INTJs can absolutely miss how we land, and “jealousy” can be an easy label when the real issue is discomfort, apprehension, or feeling exposed. I’ve also learned the hard way that intent matters less than impact in most social settings.
That said, what I’m describing with certain relatives is not “I made them feel transparent so now they avoid me.” It’s a long pattern of boundary pushing, guilt, and attempts to insert themselves into my time, decisions, and resources, starting when I was a minor. That power imbalance matters. “Read the room better” does not explain an adult routing around a clear privacy boundary or acting entitled to a young person’s labor and future assets.
I added more context in other replies, but one early example is that when I was around 10 my aunt projected her insecurity onto me by making her daughter copy my hobbies and telling her I thought I was better than their family because my mom has a bachelor’s degree, when I did not even know what a degree was at that age.
I’m not claiming it’s always “their jealousy” and never me. I’m saying there are two different categories here: normal social misreads that I can own and adjust, and repeated boundary violations that I will not rationalize away as a communication issue.
You are right. Your situation is a bit different and I gave a thorough response to a nerve it hit in me because I know the pattern. I can say this - which still overlaps and relates - it is a frustration with lack of an ability to connect with you. If they connect by culture or authority like many immigrant famillies, then don't think about it as trying to run your life. It is like Grandparents that spoil the grandkids.. they do it because they no longer have to 'raise' the kids so the most fun avenue of relating to them is via adornment. So if you have a family member 'getting in your business' ask yourself if there are any other ways the family member can/should relate to you. ANYTIME someone who loves you , or chooses to be around you directs time/energy/intent towards you, it will server you well to try and understand it as not a bad intention.
Boundaries are YOURS to enforce establish, and maintain without burning the bride per se. That is why your posts interested me so much, because it sounds so much like me. Relationships are work, and INTJs can work out most things buy staring up and to the right, and thinking about it a few minutes. Family is not something you can solve like that. Whatever it is you THINK is going on. I am willing to bet you have more agency in changing it than you might realize.
43yr old INTJ
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I agree, a lot of the time family involvement is about wanting to connect, especially in cultures where advice and authority are a default language of care. In my culture, the male relative sometimes acts almost like the “police” for the women in the family. My grandmother told my uncle he should make sure we were not messing around with boys. He took that to mean being in all our business when I was a teen, even though I was a good student, not going out at night, nothing rebellious. Even my parents respected my privacy more than he did, but he felt more entitled to know everything and got angry when we did not share. Eventually, he crossed a line that I could have filed a police report on, and that is when I had to cut him off for good. I guess I could have explained it better, as what my post touches is just the surface of an ocean.
I know cultural differences matter, and some people really do want to connect, but I have also seen people use “culture” as a shield to justify control or invasion. Both things can exist. The United States is more independent-minded, but where my family is from, boundaries are looser. I do have relatives who care and try to engage with me in a positive way, and I appreciate that. But with my uncle, there was never a foundation of trust. My grandmother gave him authority from the beginning, so he just expected access. He never built any relationship where I would want to confide in him, and when I did not, he took it personally. Meanwhile, I was just focused on my education, nothing “juicy” to share, and it always felt off.
So yes, I see how advice and involvement can sometimes be a form of care, and sometimes it is about the older generation feeling important. In my case, both things are true at the same time, and it is not always easy to separate them. The situation is more complex than I can fully explain in a post, but I appreciate you sharing your perspective and giving me another angle to think about.
What causes you to label it jealousy?
I don’t think anyone is jealous of me
I can totally relate to you. I'm currently at the lowest point.. down in the dumps in my life and yet whenever there's a family gathering, when I walk in.. I sense people's jealousy, the shift in tone, their expressions, everything.
When I join a conversation in a group, majority try to attack me for my looks (I'm skinny) coz they nor their forefathers can compete against me on any level. I've experienced many things in life, I consume knowledge like no-one. I'm precise in my speech, I help people in the way they like to be helped.
Earlier, I used to feel sad as to why they belittle me but with time I started to like it. I like to see the complex in their eyes, I like to see them being threaten by my presence. It took me many years to realise my worth, others were keeping me down on purpose so that they could feel powerful. Now, I know what ticks them, I press their buttons and enjoy the theatre 🎭 of losing their sanity 😈
If your an intj you wouldn’t care - so maybe you’re not
Nothing you described here hints of jealousy and you sound like you lack a lot of social intelligence, literally every paragraph displays it.
You can disagree with the word jealousy. I am judging my relatives off years of direct contact. The actual issue is a repeated pattern of boundary pushing and entitlement. I explained more in other replies.
If you do not see entitlement in what I described, that is your read. Calling it “lack of social intelligence” off a single snapshot is just you pretending you know more about my life than I do.
You wrote paragraphs to demonstrate jealousy, none of it shows jealousy, boundary pushing, or entitlement. It does show someone who is highly sensitive and incorrectly interpreting social interactions.
You can pull the "you don't know me" card, but I do know you. I can tell by your text and speaking patterns, I've seen a "you" a thousand times. You're a professional at spotting how other people are performing some kind of injustice to you, when they're actually just having a normal human interaction. I don't know the fine details about your life, but I do know how your life goes, in general, it's a series of volatile relationships and job hopping due to "managers and or co-workers who have it out for you or are unfair to you" coupled with excuse making and blocking people on social media who are "toxic" to you followed by new years posts about how the last year sucked.
You are not critiquing my post, you are writing fanfiction about a stranger. You cannot “tell by my text” that you know my life trajectory. That is projection, and it’s ironic you’re accusing me of misinterpreting people while doing exactly that.
If you want to argue, address what I actually described. Again, I added more context in my replies, including things that started when I was a minor. If your response is a made up biography about job hopping and blocking people, then you are not discussing my situation. You are venting.
Continuing the discussion out of a curiosity of the strange and peculiar. You asked me to address what you actually described so I will. Keep in mind my statement is that none of you typed in your opening post displays jealousy which is the topic of the entire reddit post. Let's take this one:
"Some relatives were openly jealous, even though they had good jobs and more resources. They had zero bookshelves at home. If they wanted to learn Chinese or anything else, nothing was stopping them. Why the fuck be jealous of a teenager spending allowance money on interests? Makes no sense."
Where in here are you demonstrating someone being jealous? I'm not saying they aren't, I'm saying you didn't show any signs of jealousy on their part. How would one even demonstrate that they are jealous of you learning Chinese?
"My cousin was jealous too, despite living in a nicer house across from a Barnes & Noble. I was actually envious of her easy access to books, but somehow I was the problem because I actually used what I had."
Jealous how? There's no demonstration of jealousy here. What made you think that they believe you are a "problem?"
"Recently, I went quiet and stopped calling family because I’m busy writing a book. My aunt sensed I was up to something important and asked what I was doing. I politely said I like my privacy. Two days later, she disrespectfully tried to get information from my mom."
This doesn't show jealousy. You say yourself that you stopped calling family. From the readers point of view it sounds like your Aunt cares and called to see if everything is ok and you basically told her to go away, so she went and asked her sister (your mom) if everything is ok yet you interpret that as disrespectful. You really think your Aunt doesn't have the right to ask her sister what is going on with her own niece? Look maybe your Aunt is a raging jealous bitch but you have to tell us why you come to that conclusion.
This is a good one :
"My uncle also acted weird in the past. When I was 13, he found out I’d inherit my dad’s small piece of land someday. Immediately he tried telling me we’d start a business there. Why assume I’d even want that? It’s my fucking inheritance. He acted entitled, boundary-less, and jealous, like he only wants me to succeed if he can get credit. My mom later confirmed he’s always been jealous of me."
You honestly believe that a grown man is jealous of a 13 year old girl? You said yourself they have more money than your family and that the land is small, maybe they are trying to support you by giving you an option of starting a business with their money on your land, a dual venture, but you think he's attacking you.
I'm curious, do you think I'm jealous of you right now? Serious question.
I added more context in an edit at the bottom of my original post. You are reacting to a thin slice and then filling in the rest with your own assumptions. It is interesting to me how confidently you claim to “know” my whole life while not knowing any of the actual history.
That uncle did not grow up in the U.S. He had a bad childhood and has openly resented the opportunities my cousin and I had growing up in America. When I was 17 and about to graduate, he crossed a line with me and my cousin that I could have filed a police report on. After that, he tried to act normal like nothing happened, and when it was clear I did not trust him, he used his wife to snoop and ask what I was doing. That’s why his wife asking was such a big deal for me.
He would give unsolicited advice on topics he has no expertise in, then gets offended when we do not ask him for guidance. The issue was his need to insert himself and then punish boundaries with guilt or anger. He also has an authority complex. He graduated high school, and then went 15 plus years without picking up a book, yet he thinks everyone should be asking him for advice because my grandmother crowned him the “family leader.” He acts like he’s a king and the rest of us are supposed to fall in line. He has never started a business, yet pushes business advice. He has even claimed he can “cure autism,” which is not how autism works. Autism is a neurodevelopmental condition. There is no cure. He would tell my cousin and I that we should trust him more than our own parents. That is not normal. My parents respected my privacy. He wanted access to every detail of my life, even details most parents would never demand.
As for my cousin, my edit explains more. Any time I started a hobby, her mom made her copy it, even when my cousin told me she did not want to. The cousin grew up to resent me because of her mother’s projecting, comparison, and manufacturing of competition.
I am not here to convince you personally. I have already had useful conversations with people who engaged in good faith and offered other explanations without predicting my entire life or calling me volatile and unstable. And no, I do not think you are jealous of me. I think you are hostile and overconfident in your read of strangers online, and that is all. Take care.
People probably don't care about you as much as you feel.
If everyone is jealous for something as ubiquitous and free to hold as interests, the premise makes no sense, as you've already professed. Reevaluate your premises.
Honestly, I think you hold some pretty immature, egocentric views that lack self-awareness. I think this is an inaccurate and misleading narrative.
That’s fine. Most people don’t care. The ones who push for access to my time, projects, or resources care enough to interfere. That is the issue. I explained more in other replies and will not repeat it here.
I did not say “everyone is jealous.” I said specific relatives show a pattern of entitlement and boundary violations, and I call the motive jealousy because they react the same way whenever I focus on my own life and refuse to be used. If you disagree, fine. Calling me “immature” and “lacking self-awareness” off a single Reddit snapshot is a reach.
To be fair those comments were not address at you, but your views - I think the distinction is important.
If you aimed at my views, then critique the view, not me. Calling a view “immature” or “lacking self-awareness” off a snapshot still assumes things about the person. The view is simple: specific relatives show a long pattern of boundary pushing and entitlement. My read is jealousy plus control.
Too little detail gets called vague. Too much gets called trauma dumping. I have given enough for a public thread. If you disagree, offer a better model for the same behaviors or move on.
I have offered the model, the premise looks ridiculous, on its face. Reflect on the premise, and substantiate it outside of your personal feelings. Ask one of those relatives if and why they're jealous, because I'm almost certain you'll have to further rationalize your cognitive bias' by calling them a liar.
"Many of my relatives are jealous of me for having interests". That's your claim, and your title and post operates as if its fact, but the problem with that is it requires you to assume motivation and assign intent; which is where my claim critiques your views in immaturity, inexperience, and ego.
It's substantiated by your own profession, this story, these things, "makes no sense". I offer a plausible explanation, your narrative lacks one, because whatever you want to subtly hint at is something built in ego, and something you don't want to say out loud.
Furthermore, there is actually no standard barometer for the "correct" level of detail, that is a self-induced restriction you've applied to yourself here. Frankly, I feel clarity is better, and details tend to provide more insight than vague recollections which often require readers to trust the narrative being pushed.
“Ask them if they’re jealous” is not a test. Insecure people do not confess envy on command. Most will deny it, rationalize it, or flip it back on you. If you want to debate motive, you look at repeated behavior over time, not a forced yes or no question.
My claim is that specific relatives show a repeated pattern of entitlement, boundary pushing, and attempts to control access to me, and jealousy is one plausible motive behind that pattern. I also consider my replies and clarifications part of the thread, not just the original post.
One early example is that when I was around 10, my aunt pushed her insecurity onto me by making her daughter copy my hobbies and then telling her I thought I was better than their family because my mom had a bachelor’s degree, when I did not even know what a degree was at that age. That is an adult manufacturing rivalry in children.
The same cousin who later treated my normal hobbies as a threat. When I was moving to a new state, I told her I had nothing against her because I was aware of the dynamic her mother created. She agreed. We did not talk for a year because we were not close. Then when she found out I would be at a cousin’s wedding, she tried to spread false rumors about me to isolate me there. Other relatives called her out and said they believed she was jealous. When confronted, she stayed silent. The rumor she chose was that I “made her feel fat” because I liked to run. I never commented on her body. Her own father compared her to me and called her fat. She carried that resentment and aimed it at me anyway. At the wedding she was 20 and the “incident” she dragged up was from when I was 15. That is projection and social control, not me being egocentric.
I have more examples than I can count across multiple relatives, though I will not be listing my entire life here.
So yes, I am assigning motive based on repeated behavior. That’s normal inference. You are also assigning motive when you call me immature, egocentric, and “built in ego” based on a Reddit snapshot. The difference is I’m describing years of contact and you’re doing armchair diagnosis off a thread.
If you have a better explanation for the same behaviors, give it. If your only contribution is “your premise is ridiculous” and “you lack self-awareness,” then there’s nothing to discuss. Others understood the pattern and I got the advice I needed.
You've crafted what is called an unfalsifiable premise, because only your narrative "counts", everyone is lying or rationalizing, only you are being objective - I wonder if you can spot the irony and internal inconsistency.
So really, there is no valid pushback towards your perception and understanding, only validation. If that's the sort of chamber that resonates with you, more power to you; I wanted to provide another perspective, but it seems like that was really discomforting to you.
You're absolutely right, if you monolith yourself and understanding of things, there is nothing to discuss. Cheers.
You’re still dodging the actual behaviors and arguing meta. My premise is not “unfalsifiable.” It’s simple: repeated boundary pushing and social sabotage happened. That is falsifiable. Either those events occurred or they didn’t.
Calling it “everyone is lying” is your straw man. I never said that. I said insecure people don’t confess envy on command, which is basic social reality. That does not make my view unfalsifiable. It makes your proposed “test” useless.
Also, this isn’t “discomfort with another perspective.” I accepted critique from people who engaged the facts. You offered insults, then tried to rebrand them as objectivity.
You did not say a ten-year-old provoked anything, but your framing reduces these examples to my ego and “immaturity,” which implies the problem was me even in situations where an adult manufactured rivalry around me as a child. Same with the wedding rumor situation. If that’s your read, then we’re done. Cheers.
Okay, how would anyone other than yourself falsify your premise? I've criticized the internal inconsistencies and connected your self-professed sentiment that it makes no sense, to my observations, and you handwaved it away as invalid. You sensitively lashed backed rather violently, dismissively; absent curiosity and inquiry.
You are the one who introduced “unfalsifiable.” You set a standard no outsider could ever meet. Reddit cannot falsify family history. What you can do is evaluate whether the behaviors I described are coherent and offer a rival explanation that fits the same facts. I have been curious from the start and asked for a better model. I have waited. You still have not offered one.
Your “just ask if they are jealous” idea fails in real life. Envy is rarely confessed, and denial tells you nothing. That is not handwaving. That is reality. I also confronted my cousin. She said there was no issue, then started rumors after a year of no contact.
Nothing about my reply was “violent.” That is loaded language meant to reframe pushback as emotional instability. I’ve engaged deeply with commenters who offered substance, including those I disagreed with. None resorted to calling me immature, egocentric, or “violent” to make their point.
If you have a better model that does not rely on diagnosing my character, present it. What you offered was critique and vague labels, not an alternative that fits the facts: why an aunt would manufacture rivalry in children, why a cousin would start rumors to isolate me after a year of no contact, why relatives would route around a clear privacy boundary, etc. If you cannot explain those behaviors with a coherent model, stop pretending this is about epistemology.
Trying to read all of this and can't. It just feels like one of those "arrogant INTJ" posts that pop up every now and then. Throwing the word jealousy around while mostly not having good examples of it being actual jealousy. It's like the woman who is a 6 or 7 on a scale of 10 claiming everyone who is not nice to her is jealous.
Can't tolerate reading a long comment, either, but not respecting boundaries does not equal jealousy. You sound young, and, really, adults simply tend not to respect the boundaries of young people. From what I did read, my guess would be that everyone thinks you're weird--especially for a young person--and there's some level of concern about the things you're doing in private because they don't understand you (which I don't blame them--several mass shooter stories we've heard have been about weird young people who had guns and other crazy shit hidden in their bedroom, and then everyone is wondering why the family didn't know what was in this person's room). The uncle thing is probably a typical odd uncle/aunt scenario that half of families have.
You are reacting to a stereotype, not to what I actually wrote. You also admit you did not read the whole post or comment, then claim I have no real examples. That is not a serious take.
I never said “not respecting boundaries equals jealousy.” I described a long pattern of boundary violations and entitlement, and I used jealousy as my conclusion about their motives, not as the only issue. The examples I gave are the mild end of it. The real reason I cut my uncle off is that he crossed a line serious enough that I could have gone to the police. I am not going to put those details on Reddit for strangers.
Adults often ignore young people’s boundaries. That does not make it normal or healthy. That is the problem.
Jumping from “a young person likes privacy and has hobbies” to comparing me to “weird young people” in mass shooter stories is not concern. It is prejudice.
If you find long posts annoying, you can scroll. What you do not get to do is skim a situation you openly say you did not read, project “arrogant INTJ” onto it, and then declare my experience invalid.
Come on, the thread is well above average. Not your usual take, need some time off?
I agree with other comments here that based on the information provided, this does not sound like jealous behavior