Excuse me if the formatting is weird, I don’t use Reddit often. I didn’t know where to put this, but I’ve seen this subreddit covered by the click, so I thought, why not? I (14nb) recently went on a camping trip with my mom (40f) and my three siblings (13m, 10m, and 8f). My parents have not been known for being the most responsible, resulting in most of my friends being banned from spending the night. From what I understand, they don’t like that we sleep in a shed (this is by choice, there’s an air con, tv, couch, and mattress. They don’t like the seclusion of it being in the backyard.) and that my parents are irresponsible, which I agree. Here’s the situation: the day after Thanksgiving, I went camping with my mom, siblings, and a bunch of her friends with kids. I had a friend there as well, which kept me sane. My mom got this cabin thing for her and her friend (possibly fwb?) and 2 tent lots for the kids. So, everything’s going normal at first, I’m seeing my mom for the first time in a few days, my friend in the first time in a couple of weeks, it’s pretty nice. The parents are drinking, getting a little tipsy, but the only weird thing is that my mom is laying with her fwb on the porch of the cabin with their heads pressed together, giggling. I’m sleeping in a hammock a bit to the side of them (I got soaked by sprinklers both nights around 01 and wasn’t remotely dry until about 03 both nights btw. Not relevant, just annoying.). Everything got weird on the second night though. It didn’t really feel real, and I believe I was sort of dissociated for a lot of it so my memory is a bit off. The adults were drinking. My mom was getting really drunk. I was talking with my friend. Her mom comes up to me and tells me to keep an eye on my mother and that if she seemed weird the next day, not to get into a car with her. Some kids cook some crabs that they found. There’s a group of kids attempting to play spin the bottle. Some girls run off to the beach and mom’s fwb stumbles to find them. Mom’s fwb’s boyfriend comes with electric scooters. The kids ride around with said electric scooters. Then my mom, whilst she can barely walk, so she’s falling a lot. She eventually passes out in a lawn chair. I try to wake her up, she doesn’t. My sister comes out and cuddles her and she’s somewhat responsive, but she’s barely conscious. Eventually, I tell her to go into the cabin where my brothers are sleeping and one of mom’s fwb’s kids. Sister gets into bed with 10 yr old brother and they watch videos on their tablets for a while. Sister is saying that mom was coming to sleep with her. I said she’s not feeling great so she probably can’t. 10 yr old and her catch on that she’s drunk. I leave the cabin and make my mom drink Gatorade once she’s conscious and she eventually is standing and drinking with her friends again. One of mom’s friends appears with kid and husband and they also set up a hammock that they all share. I help cover sprinklers with cups (by now it’s about 01) and I wait for the sprinklers to start, then I cover some more that we missed. I set up my hammock. Eventually my mom is stumbling around the cabin and I tell her that everyone’s asleep and not to wake them, sh says she’s checking on them, I say that I already did, which is true. Multiple times. She realizes that she can’t sleep in there and leaves, and for a good majority of the night, she was stumbling around drunk. The next morning, she acted like nothing happened, but bragged that I put the kids to sleep. I’ll insert messages that I had with my friend about my mom during the last part of my story.
My main issue is that she blacked out and put the kids at risk by going into the cabin. Her fwb and the boyfriend were vaping the whole time, so children were constantly exposed to nicotine and alcohol. We were also near a beach where children left to without question. I’m sorry if this was really ranty, I just don’t remember everything that well, it’s all pretty blurry.
For the messages: Red = bro (13) Blue = bro (10) Yellow = sis (8) Pink = mom’s fwb? Green = mom’s gf/ex maybe? Orange = my friend
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Apropos of nothing but the kids just being off cooking crabs they scavenged absolutely sent me, what in the lord of the flies is this shit
I’m SO HAPPY I’m not the only one who got completely stuck there
I am sort of jealous of the kid who ate a crab, because I would’ve wanted to taste one from the beach :/
If your mum gets drunk while she is responsible for you and your siblings, that is neglect. When another adult tells you to manage or watch over your mum instead of helping directly, that puts responsibility on you that shouldn’t be yours. You are not "old enough to handle it". You still deserve sober, reliable care.
None of this is your fault and it's okay to need help.
Thank you. I have been pretty aware of that for a while now, but the amount parents with kids who were all middle school and younger, besides myself, who were drinking and allowing their kids to roam around in the middle of the night gave me some doubt.
And if she was as drunk as you say then she absolutely wasn’t sober enough to drive the next morning whatever she looked like.
Yeah, I kept an eye on her the next morning and she was surprisingly functioning like she does usually. She was walking fine, she was talking clearly, and she was socializing in a reasonable way. She drove fine and we did not veer off the side of a cliff, so I’d say we’re all good.
That doesn’t mean she was in any way sober and all drunk drivers have been fine until they aren’t. But I am glad you’re all ok and I wasn’t blaming you for your decisions.
Yeah, I just didn’t a lot of options, otherwise I probably would’ve made sure that the kids got into their friends’ parents’ cars and hoped that they were sober enough to drive.
Yeah,it’s not your job to find solutions. That’s a parental job. You did your best. I’m not faulting you. Just an FYI that appearing sober and functioning after a night of heavy drinking doesn’t mean you are. Which is why drink drive ads here over Christmas tend to warn that you’re probably still going to fail the test next day and get convicted. And I’m sure having kids in the car at the time would not have made a judge look favourably on her (although it might be the wake up call she needs). You were in a shitty situation with limited choices.
Jfc what a nightmare. What if there was an emergency and someone needed to go to the hospital, but all the “adults” were too drunk to drive? Not to mention kids free roaming on the beach in the middle of the night unsupervised. Like really these parents are so lucky that nothing bad happened.
I’m sorry that this has been normalized for you but trust and believe when I say that this is NOT normal or okay.
The reason I was posting this is that it’s much more extreme than I have experienced and involved a lot more intoxicated people. But yeah, I’m glad that everyone was alright in the end.
I was getting strong “there’s something wrong with Aunt Diane” vibes. Thank God it didn’t end that way.
Neglect has the same results as abuse: children do not grow up feeling safe, and they can act out because of that. They may have difficulty establishing healthy relationships because they never had the chance to develop a healthy sense of trust.
The fact that you, a 14 year old, are left to feel responsible for three younger siblings on a camping trip is a big issue.
Your mother is an alcoholic. She has no business trying to parent four kids.she needs help, but what would be completely unfair to you and your siblings would be to be expected to provide that help.
The parent who told you not to get into a car with her should have offered to bring you guys home.
What you can do, if you are willing, is to talk to a trusted teacher or counselor at your school who might be able to point you to some services for you kids.
I’m so sorry that you are being expected to navigate this at your age. It’s completely unfair.
Thank you. This is by far the worst she has ever been and I believe that she is trying to quit alcohol. I am doing a school program in a different state, so I don’t believe there would be any use in that. I’m hoping to start therapy again in March so that I can have an emotional outlet, but I feel that involving cps or anything like that would be an overreaction and overall, would cause much more stress and hardship for everyone.
It’s neglect, it’s putting you in position you shouldn’t be in. I grew up the same way. It’s uncomfortable being around and having to care for an intoxicated parent.
I look back on one incident where my stepdad was driving drunk and my mom, also drunk, was trying to steer the car for him. We were in the backseat terrified. I wish I’d called the police.
I’m so sorry you were put in that situation, that sounds horrifying.
Who still uses ur gay anymore?
Apparently my friend’s brother 😭
Does that even apply to you? I mean gay people are attracted to the opposite gender - what’s the opposite gender for someone NB? lol
I’m not out irl, so a lot of people assume I’m gay. And, I think for nb it’s pretty much gay to be with anyone tbh.
I would have guessed the opposite but your way makes more logical sense.
Just a heads up you forgot to censor your friend’s face and name in the last screenshot.
Now, that is quite a lot to unpack. It’s definitely not the best situation, I’m pretty concerned that it sounds like all the adults there were under the influence of something and nobody was really looking after the children. Also, the fact that they are getting that inebriated and you’re being made to look out for your siblings/friends, not cool at all. Bragging about you putting the kids to bed for her?? I don’t know how common of an experience this is for you, but even for one night this isn’t okay. The fact your friend’s parents won’t let them come over says a lot. I’m sorry you’re so young having to deal with this and having responsibility put on you that shouldn’t be yours. If she wants to go out and party she can, but get a babysitter or have an adult only thing. Why bring the kids and put them in danger?
I really hope that your mom isn’t drinking like this regularly, and it’s just a particularly bad night, but I get the feeling she does this a lot more often. Also side note not judging people for their personal lives and what they do or who they love. But your mom messing around with two different people? Having obvious FWB around your children just doesn’t sound good to me at all. If I had kids I wouldn’t want them seeing or knowing that about me, nor is that even remotely a good role model.
You don’t have to answer but I am curious about your home situation. Does your mom provide proper food, clothing, cleanliness in the home, making sure yall get education and have what you need? Are there any other adults in your life like aunts/uncles, maybe grandparents or trusted family friends who come around and you could talk to? Dealing with a drunk/alcoholic parent is so stressful, and you shouldn’t have to bear this burden alone. I wish you all the strength and luck you need, and I hope you and your siblings stay safe!
Thank you so much! My parents are separated and my mom has been renting a unit downstairs. Usually, I don’t see her often because she is often busy with work or friends. I saw some messages between her and her girlfriend and apparently she’s quitting drinking, but she’s struggled with alcoholism since I can remember, so I’m not sure how long that will last. My dad is a bit more of a parent, however he is very busy for work, and often I am the one cooking and cleaning, even when I’m ill.
It definitely sounds like there’s some neglect going on. I hope you and your siblings aren’t being left home alone without any adult supervision. Even though you are old enough to be home for a little while, not when you’re in charge of caring for two other kids! You’re still a child who should be protected and looked after. It shouldn’t be your job to manage the house and kids all the time, especially if you’re sick or need to focus on your schooling. You deserve to have a childhood, and enjoy being a kid. Not acting like a responsible adult. I understand with the economy it’s neccesssry for both parents to be working to support yall. They still have to do what needs to be done regardless of how hard life gets. As a parent that’s what you do, you chose to have kids so now you must give up your time to raise this new life. But your mom could definitely cut out the alcohol and find better ways to relieve stress or have some fun. My mother has been and still is an alcoholic all my life so I know how frustrating it is to watch someone do that to themselves and the consequences it has on family. I genuinely hope she can quit for both your sake and her own.
I also would like to emphasize that even though it may be forced onto you, and they may make you feel like you should be doing these things for them. You shouldn’t have to. And it’s not your fault. House chores should be evenly split between the household members. I’d especially hope you aren’t singled out amongst your siblings as the only one who takes care of these things. Dishes, laundry, maybe some vacuuming or sweeping and cleaning rooms I can see those being reasonable, but only if your brother is helping too. If you’re the only one in charge of those things for the whole house, that’s wrong. Family is a team effort.
I also know there’s a great emotional toll this takes on you. The anxiety of having to watch out for mom’s behaviour, worrying about the safety of your siblings, taking care of the house and possibly getting in trouble, AND all the stress of just being a teenager in school. Definitely keep your close friends and have a support system, and you don’t have to feel guilty or responsible. You may want to try to help your mom if she happens to listen to you, or encourage her to be better. While it is important for her as recovering addict to have a support system and such. That system should be outside of her kids. Your father and her friends/adult family should be responsible for helping manage her, not you. If her behaviour is repeatedly putting yall in danger, I would suggest talking to a safe adult you trust about it and see if maybe anybody could discretely talk to her about her issue or encourage her to be better. But that’s highly up to your discretion and whether or not that would help or make things worse. I know people like this are usually impossible to break through to.
From what I’m aware of, there have been suspicions for a while now that she has bpd due to some of her behaviors. According to my dad, she keeps a large group of acquaintances and gets closer to anyone who will support her behaviors and decisions, and will distance herself from anyone who does not. Unfortunately, I don’t see her often and am staying with my grandparents at the moment, so what I say could not impact her whatsoever. She only really keeps consistent contact with the youngest, and will include everyone else every once in a while. I do end up babysitting pretty often when I am home, however, if it’s for more than an hour or two or if it’s at a weird time, I will get paid.
Dang I’m sorry about all this. Yeah it’s definitely futile to attempt helping her. Just focus on yourself and doing the best you can in life. Don’t let anybody make you feel less than. I hope your grandparents are taking good care of yall. Keep your head up and remember you’re worthy, and you matter. Stay in school and make life goals and strive for them. You’ve got this
Thank you, I will do my best.
‘The kids are fine and they’re in a tentalo, so that’s my main priority.’
The kids are not fine. You are kids. You’ve been parentified, and that’s not ok.
I’m seeing some good advice in the comments and I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t already been said but I just want to say I am so sorry that you are being put in this position as a child. While my parents didn’t drink I was abused and neglected by them in other ways and now as an adult it baffles me the situations my parents put me. Please please take care of yourself to the best of your ability. Prioritize your mental health, stay focused in school, and keep a close circle of supportive friends and family until you are able to separate from your parents.
It's neglect. Not abuse.
Neglect is a form of abuse and you can go to prison for it, lose custody, or both.