So, my dad (42m) and I (14f) do not have a good relationship, at least on my side, but he insists on showing me off to every one of his friends, saying stuff like "I have my daughter this weekend" when most of the time he leaves me with my grandma at her apartment. Almost every time I come over he leaves to go get drunk with his friends and leaves me even though I came over to spend time with him, which I have to force myself to do because of how much I blatantly just don't like him. On friday, he was supposed to pick me up, take me to eat, and we were supposed to go to a BBQ, but he didn't and I had to get a ride with my friend to my grandma's apartment, and he didn't come home till 8:00 that same night. Yesterday, he left really early because he had to work, I understand that, but he didn't come home until 8:47 AM this morning, and I was worried because he frequently gets into fights and crashes AND he was driving drunk (which he has done with me IN THE CAR). He was also supposed to bring me food, which he never ended up doing because he never. came. home. And so today I thought it would be different and he would take me to eat like he said, but nope, he doesn't have any money and so now I'm just fed up. I'm hungry but I have a lot of trouble articulating myself accurately to adults so right now my choices are to A) Go back home to my mom, B) Ask my dad for food but i REALLY don't want to go anywhere where I have to be with him for a extended period of time, or C) Wait until the BBQ that I don't even want to go to. I will probably ask my dad to take me back to my mom and buy me food. Honestly, I would've been down to go to the BBQ yesterday or ON FRIDAY when we had planned, but I have school tomorrow and I don't want to do anything.
So, is my dad insane or am I just bratty? I don't think I am but sometimes he makes me feel like I am.
(Okay so as I got finished writing this my dad asked me if i was hungry do now he's getting me something to eat BUT I'm still probably going to go home soon.)
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Your dad is not fit to care for you. I understand it’s tough to talk to adults, but you need to tell your mom all that you’ve told us. If she doesn’t take action, you need to tell judges or case workers in charge of custody arrangements. You’re basically in split custody between your mom and an empty apartment.
At 14 you have a say in how you spend your time. Your father doesn't sound like he's for to parent at all... Bare minimum you feel and house your children and keep them from harm. He's not doing that.
It depends. Some states became really bad. Like in OH you dont really have a say til youre 18 and no longer a legal minor (in which its moot by then.) You can be 17, less than a month from your birthday and theyll say you cant go to court to speak on what YOU want and claim youre being influenced. Its only been the laat some yrs it worked this waym used to be like 12 or so. But yet, as laws stand, you can send your 11 yr old to a neighbor's house to watch their 2 week old baby overnight, and as long as they get paid, its perfectly legal. But yet also, that same 11 yr old cant legally stay home for 30min without an adult or its considered neglect.
Please report this behaviour to your mum and school. You are 14, you’re not an adult, you shouldn’t be left to deal with any of this.
You need to be in a space that is safe, if he is going drinking each time you’re around, he is not capable of caring for you.
I am hoping the best for you.
I agree with this. Tell a trusted adult at school. This is out of hand.
It sounds like your dad has a pretty significant drinking problem and that's not a good environment for anyone to be in, but especially someone your age. Take the advice that others here are offering and tell the adults (Mom, teachers, or anyone involved with the court that decides your custody arrangements) in your life and keep saying something until they take action to prevent this from continuing.
Your dad has problems he needs to deal with
I think you should ask to go home. Your dad is immature and/or maybe struggling with addiction and not equipped to care for you. I'm sure he loves you but that isn't enough and you are being left very vulnerable.
This is my life story. Please report this and please ask if you can start seeing a therapist if you are not. This leads to some problems down the road.
Take it from me, yeah, fuck that. Your dad needs to either get his shit together (Rehab for starters) or just give up his (I assume) shared custody rights. It sounds rude, but if he's willing to drive drunk on more than one occasion and even with you in the car, then he doesn't care. He's a deadbeat. Hope you can talk to someone girl. And I hope your dad gets the help he needs
Update: So I ended up coming home to my mom, I realized that I may have missed some details so I'll include them here
I live with my mom, she has primary custody of me and she is my primary parent, and I have told her everything that's happened, dw worry guys I wouldn't just post this without telling her!
Another thing is my dad has gotten super drunk in front of me, and has smoked weed in an in closed space with me as well, while suffering from brain damage, I know this doesn't really have anything to do with the situation but I think it might provide some further insight
I usually don't go with my dad, as the court order is invalid now that I am of age (in my state) to say "No I don't want to do this", but I still go because I am poor and he feeds me and gives me money
He pays child support but he hasn't recently so going with him is the ONLY support I get from him at all, and I kinda need it
My dad is the reason for a lot of my trauma, but I can't say it all here, especially because I only have SS from the past two years, even though he's been tormenting me my whole life
Okay that's it, ty!
How is it you're the one trying to get support from your dad? This is your mom's job, you're still only 14! And what you're getting from going to your dad right now, is absolutely not support. Your mom should see if there is any way of enforcing the child support payments your dad is supposed to make and check if they require you to spend time with him or not. My dad was also a drunk that didn't want to pay child support, it got so bad that a judge ruled to withdraw his parental rights. But even then he still had to pay child support, at some point they even deducted it from the social benefits he received. So I think there should be ways for you and your mom to get the support without you needing to spend time with him
Sweetheart, I am sorry to tell you this, but him proudly saying he has his daughter this weekend, isn't about you. He's bragging and showing off, so HE gets attention. It's about his perceived sacrifice, his "hard work" in "caring" for you. Except he isn't putting in the hard work, and he isn't caring for you.
Here's a small secret for you darlin, kids are hard work. Kids suck. Honestly. And always. All kids suck. But they're supposed to. The key job we have as parents is WE SHOULDN'T LET YOU KNOW THAT. We are supposed to try to keep your childhood as child-like as possible, as long as possible. You aren't supposed to know that you are a burden. I'm so sorry lovey, but he isn't doing his job, not even the literal bare minimum. You are old enough to be able to speak up, and let people know, especially your mom, that he isn't taking care of you. Not at all.
Tick them off on your fingers honey, list all the things he has done to care for you. Feed you? Make sure you are wearing the proper/weather appropriate clothes? Reminds you to shower? Lays out clean socks? Made sure you are in bed at your age-appropriate bedtime? Made sure you are in bed at all...? How about, made you feel special, loved unconditionally, or just feel SAFE?
Sweetie. You know. You know it's time. It is very apparent, that he isn't your parent. Say something, make the adults around you take care of you. This isn't a safe place for you, being alone in the dark. You'll be alone plenty when you are grown, don't let anyone force you into it early. Go back to mom's, and ask the courts to let you stay there.
It won't be easy. He is gonna whine and complain, maybe even yell. He is gonna want "his time". But remember this one thing. It isn't his time. This is YOUR LIFE. Protect it, and spend your time with the people who like being with you. You've got this. ❤️
Sweet girl, you are being abused and you have to tell the authorities about it.
Your a father is a danger to you.
Of you are still at the age where he is supposed to be paying child support, then your mom needs to contact social services at the court house where they were divorced and they will go after him for both the child support and interest on what hasn’t been paid.
I went through that when my kids were little. Also with an alcoholic ex. At the point when he picked up our two youngest, the only ones still seeing him, and he was drunk, I contacted the courthouse. I asked if I was within my rights to tell him he could no longer drive them anywhere, and that I’d bring them to his house and pick them up.
I was, in fact, within my rights to do that.
The reality with alcoholics is that they won’t get sober until the consequences of being drunk are worse than the consequences of resisting their addiction. For some, that’s never. For others, it’s a short time, then they start drinking again.
I’m so sorry. You are too young to be dealing with this. But you really need to stay away from him until you are able to care for yourself entirely, and then decide if you want to spend time with him. Recovering alcoholics are some of the most amazing people I have ever met. Those not in recovery are some of the worst, because their next drink matters more to them than anyone or anything.
One final thin: if there is an AlaTeen program at your school, or something similar, you may want to join it. You won’t feel so alone. And you will learn ways to cope with having a drunk father.
First and foremost, never ever get in a car with someone who has been drinking. Even your parents. Second, talk to your mom and maybe write your dad a letter telling him how his actions are impacting your relationship