I’ve been in a few relationships and flings, but many of them ended because of lies and cheating. I don’t have any resentment towards them, but my insecurities of not being enough or being lied to and cheated kinda got into my head.
I’m 21 and my partner is 31 and these past 4 months have been pretty good compared to my previous relationships and flings. The only problem is that my insecurities are running in the background. I feel like at any moment when he doesn’t respond he is cheating on me. Although I tell myself that isn’t happening, I become somewhat anxious. I realized I have an anxious attachment problem and he is the opposite.
So does anyone have any advice how to deal with these thoughts and insecurities. I have spoken to him about it and while he has reassured me, I still feel a bit of distrust. But I still love him so much.
I suggest seeking therapy, that’s not healthy brother - may I ask, do you have any reason why? Has he given you any signs, or is it purely past trauma?
It’s more past traumas
Honestly mate, I get it - it’s hard when you’ve been burnt by cheating - 3 years ago I dated a guy who was…a massive cheater, couldn’t help himself - cheated his way all through our relationship. I did the stupid thing of taking him back and believing that things could change - they didn’t and it traumatised me for ages. When we split up he had to sleep in the spare room for a while and he was sneaking guys in at night to fuck, I was a wimp at first and was too scared to confront him, in the end I got so fed up I raged and said you need to go ASAP. Before he left I got some revenge, not proud of it, but I farted into his open bottle of pure for men, literally hole in bottle.
Anyway, the truth is this type of insecure mentality will eat you alive and risks pushing away any guy you form a bond with. Just remember, it’s normal and healthy to have time apart and not be contacting 24/7. Get some therapy brother. Also maybe have a slight conversation with your boyfriend about it, but not too much because tbh don’t sound like his really doing anything wrong, you just need to work through trauma.
I understand how tough this must feel for you. Seeking therapy can be a really helpful step to process these emotions and find some clarity. Have you had an open and honest chat with your partner yet? Sharing your insecurities can be a big part of healing from past experiences.
Rebuilding trust and feeling safe in a relationship takes patience and time. If your partner hasn’t given you any reason to doubt him, it might help to remind yourself that your relationship is based on trust and mutual care.
But if you feel you can’t offer that trust right now, it could be a sign you need some space to work through these emotions before continuing with the relationship.
All the best, mate. You deserve a happy and healthy relationship where you feel secure. I hope you find that. :)
Plus one to the people saying that therapy can be helpful. But adding something my former therapist told me that I try to keep in mind when I’m feeling insecure about my relationship: People almost never say/do things because of you; they’re saying/doing things because of lots of factors that basically have nothing to do with you.
So the exes of yours that cheated did not cheat because of something innate to you or your personality. They did so because they wanted to for whatever reasons which are totally separate from you. This is something that is hard to internalize so you kinda just need to keep reminding yourself of this. It also helps to think about what motivates you to do things and what informs your responses to other people. It’s almost always internal motivations and factors that don’t have to do with anyone else, right? So remind yourself that other people are the same in that regard.
When I carried mistrust from previous bf, I once read an article that said to ask yourself honestly:
"Do you think, deep down, that he is cheating on you?"
When I asked myself that, I got a clear "No" from myself. This made the spiraling easier to break.
As someone who also has an anxious attachment style, I can relate. I do think that getting therapy will help. If you don’t learn how to get past those feelings, you’re going to drive him away. Eventually, he’s going to get tired of dealing with that.
Insecurity is “a self fulfilling prophecy”. If you think he is cheating, you are going to act, react and talk to him like you suspect he is cheating.You will show him a side of you that is opposite to that he was attracted to you in the first place. A side that is quite ugly and that will repel him from being close to you. You are what you believe you are and what he really isn’t. Counseling must be done asap before real and irreversible damage is done by you here. Remember No decision is worse than the wrong decision.
If you can not overcome these insecurities on your own, you should seek professional help with a therapist or psychologist.
The first time I got me a boyfriend, I also felt very insecure of myself and thought he was cheating without any evidence. Even to the point of going to a club in search of him. I was certain he would be there with someone else. I only made it to the coat check when this feeling of self-shame came to me. Shame of becoming that clingy toxic person who does not think of himself as worthy of being loved by another man or not being enough.
I understood I was the problem, and that needed to change. If I was going to enter a relationship with a dude, then I had to trust him, otherwise there would be no such relationship.
I promised myself not to ever go after any man. I thought to myself, whomever wants to be with me is because they are attracted to me and I deserve respect. It is because they want to be with me. I shoud not have to be begging for anyone to love me. What I offer is genuine. If they can not see it and they cheat on me, it is their loss. I should not have to be watching over any man.
I have been married to my husband for 18 years and counting. I trust him with everything I have. Has he cheated on me? No, i have never seen any indication nor have I looked for it. Why live like that. I am responsible for my own actions and I follow my convictions always. Not anybody else's.
Snap out of it. With or without your knowledge people may cheat or not. You do you, the rest is up to them. This is no healthy way of living in a relationship. If the dude you are seeing is loyal and a good person, an attitude of distrust will drive him away.