1: The Game Begins
The cards glided from the ordinator’s hands into the senator’s spindly fingers. The wiry man peeled up a corner, eyes unreadable behind his glasses.
“Bet ten,” Ren Haiat said. The tall young man sank back into the chair with a feline relish. He ran his fingers through his dark hair and smirked at the third player. The senator’s daughter.
The ordinator watched the three players through the slits of his white mask. His thoughts came in clipped verdicts.
Ren has something decent.
He never did like hiding strength.
Cornelia’s foxy green eyes darted to her father. To Ren. To her cards. To Ren.
Faking weakness.
“Call,” the red-haired girl said.
“Call,” the senator replied instantly.
The ordinator’s hand slid across the table, revealing the Gold Ten, Silver Queen, and Iron Nine.
“Check.”
“Check.”
“Check.”
Next came the Iron King.
The senator tapped his fingers and glanced at his two protégés. “Check.”
“Bet twenty,” Ren yawned.
“Call,” the daughter said after a slight thought.
“Call,” her father joined.
Finally, the Silver Deuce. Irrelevant.
The door slammed open. The household’s dispensator burst forth, expression red.
“Ren Haiat! Donella Hartsforth and her father are in our atrium, demanding your presence.”
Ren smirked. “Tell her I’ll see her again at the Pomerium Gala tonight.”
The dispensator tore the lounging young man from his seat. “You’ll explain to her father why he should not publicly condemn you, you…you—” The older woman couldn’t find a word foul enough. Ren mucked his cards back to the ordinator before being dragged away.
Cornelia glared at her father. “You still think he deserves The Maddeus? That’s the third girl this month. 300 years of history, Ren will break the name in months.”
“Bet 60,” her father replied.
He thinks he can goad her into a misplay.
“All in,” the girl replied.
The senator considered his daughter.
“Call”.
The senator flipped over the copper and silver kings, forming a triumvirate.
Cornelia produced the copper and silver jacks. A straight.
He gave his daughter a smile and wrapped her in a one-armed hug. “Well done, Nel. Lets stop for today.”
The ordinator watched the senator leave. He would now have his evening coffee for the next half hour. Aurian took off the ordinator’s white mask. Now was his chance.
“Marvelous dealing.” Cornelia flashed him a bright smile. Aurian’s face flushed; he gave a polite nod. Her smile was for the ordinator, not him.
“Congratulations on the last win, Ms. Maddeus. You seem to have the upper hand over your father in Saba these days,” Aurian replied offhandedly. His hands swept through the table, picking up the shared cards.
He palmed Ren's mucked cards, peeking at the corners before they disappeared back into the deck.
The Iron Ace. The Iron Jack.
Too bad Ren had left.
---
“Enter.” The senator’s voice carried through the heavy mahogany doors.
Surprise flickered in the mans eyes—only for a moment.
The man’s office was bright, the wall behind the senator’s red oak desk almost entirely glass. The walls were a shade of pale green that would have looked mellow in another room. Here, they shone in the sunlight.
Aurian was reminded of being inside a tree in the summer sun. It would have made for a light atmosphere if you discounted the intense aura radiating from the senator.
Approaching the man felt like trudging through water wearing with three layers of wool.
A senator of the greatest nation in the world. Almost three hundred million citizens providing legitimacy to his status. Fueling his name. His auctoritas was more than most so-called kings ruling over their handfuls of victims.
The man had suppressed it during the game, not trying to intimidate the other two players. He afforded Aurian no such courtesy. A senator had an image to maintain.
“How may this old man help you, my boy?” Maddeus said with a smile. The man was in his mid-fifties but looked barely in his forties save for his grayed hair.
The man spoke softly, but waves of power battered Aurian as the man’s aura rippled.
Aurian considered unleashing his own weaker aura to shield himself. It would calm his nerves at the very least.
Not yet. Not until the proposal.
“Senator, I have worked for you as the ordinator of your games for four years now. Have I acted to your satisfaction?” Aurian said, fighting to hold the man’s gaze.
The older man gave him an amused smile, used to hearing requests. “Of course.”
“And my grandmother?”
“A great aide in our library. One of the best.”
“As your ordinator—” he paused.
Sell the image.
Swallow. “Have you ever suspected I may cheat you?” Aurian asked.
The senator’s eyes narrowed. “Of course not.”
“Then as you trust me, Senator, I ask you consider my proposal.”
The senator’s eyes relaxed. “Go on.”
“You know about the warehouses near the western port? For short-term storage after unloading ships from the harbor. But maybe a quarter are for longer storage.”
Aurian looked at the senator’s face, then continued.
“They hold copper. I believe it’s part of the Republic’s national reserves.”
The senator nodded.
His face was still placid. Too placid.
Too late to back out.
“There’s a gang—I don’t know too much about them. But I have friends. I hear things. A member of the Vespers forged an ownership certificate of one of the warehouses. They brought in a republican requisitioner from a faraway province, Etrea. Got him to buy the copper for the Republic’s reserve. Now the Republic thinks it owns two warehouses full of copper. But it’s the same one.”
The senator gave him a smile. “Thank you for telling me about this. I will get lictors look into the matter.”
Aurian continued. “I thought it was strange. Surely it couldn’t have been that easy to defraud the state. I requested ownership records of the Etrean reserves. It’s public information. It took a while, but when I got them, it was revealing. Very little of the Etrean reserve was actually in Etrea. Much of it was here in Drova. The same warehouse I mentioned before was listed three times under different names.”
Aurian waited for a response. The man simply watched him with his pale eyes.
“I then requested records from every single province. All twenty-seven. I have only gone through a few. But, sir, I believe the Republic’s copper reserves are a fraction of what we believe they are. I have found dozens of listings of what look like the same reserve. The warehouse in question, from before, was listed in the records of eight other provinces.”
He handed the report he had compiled to the senator. Maddeus flipped through the pages, looking at Aurian’s notes alongside the copies of the official records.
“That is remarkable, Aurian Kamodus. We will need further confirmation, of course, but your work is sufficient for now. The senate must be informed at once,” the senator said, his voice carrying the appropriate amount of astonishment.
The hair on Aurian’s arms rose. His aura flooded out. Engulfing him in a protective bubble and rushing into his muscles, strengthening him.
“There’s another copy of the report.” Aurian blurted out.
The senator didn’t comment but his lips quirked up for a moment.
Aurian hadn’t wanted to say it. So crude. Tactless. It was better to start a relationship based on trust than threats. But the hairs on his arms were still up.
“We need to tell the senate and Arbortae, of course. But before that, I have an idea to help House Maddeus,” Aurian continued.
“How so?” Senator Maddeus leaned forward slightly.
“The mining corporations, and sometimes banks, sell insurance contracts to shipyards. A significant portion of an airship’s cost is simply the copper and aluminum that make up the hull—you know this, of course. Shipyards are given fixed-price contracts to produce a certain number of ships, or a single capital ship over, say, three years. But over those years, the price of materials may change. A spike in the price of aluminum or copper could turn a project unprofitable.”
“Yes, I know this, boy. They purchase insurance contracts to acquire the materials at a fixed price for the duration of the project,” the senator interrupted.
Aurian forced a smile. “Exactly.”
Silence. The senator waited for Aurian to speak, then his eyes widened.
“You mean to—?” For the first time, the senator’s smooth flat voice had a quiver.
Genuine surprise.
“I only wish to be help the house, Senator.”
The man stared at him in a moment of disbelief before laughing.
Hands on flat on his desk, laughing from his core.
He man’s aura withdrew entirely.
“Oh my. Boy, you are certainly a surprise. Maybe you should have been playing today, while I dealt the cards.”
“Have you done any calculations?” Maddeus asked.
“Yes. Standard terms are two- to three-year contracts at the current market price for ten percent of spot. But if you price the contract at above spot—say, twenty percent above—you can get the contract for as low as half a percent of spot. If the price rises fifty percent after the news breaks, we can make sixty times our initial.”
The man got up and draped one of his long arms around Aurian’s shoulders.
“I am glad you came to me with this, young man.”
“I would like ten percent of the profits.”
The senator laughed harder.
“You certainly don’t lack nerve.” The senator wrapped him in a full hug.
“Five percent. This plan of yours, as ingenious as it is, can only work with my resources.”
“That’s unfair.” Aurian protested.
He could get a bit more.
“Think of how much we can make. I have all the records already. You can buy the insurance. Then send my written report to every press in the country. The price rise will be astronomical.”
The senator mussed his hair.
“My boy, you are forgetting a few things. If your information really is true, I will be purchasing the insurance, risking my marks. I will do it through intermediaries, but it is my reputation on the line. Second—” A chuckle. “The senate will be outraged. The gentlemen who sell us the insurance will have many senators speaking on their behalf. Fraud, they will claim. If you were to try it on your own, no doubt you—a hapless twenty-year-old—would somehow be blamed as the mastermind behind the actual missing copper. Without me generating the political support, the contracts would be null and void.”
Aurian’s felt his mouth go dry. “Ah” was the only thing he could think to say. He didn’t expect to be taking out enough insurance for the gods damn senate to get involved, but clearly the senator was thinking on a different scale.
“So, boy, five percent is actually quite generous. And it will be contingent on a few things. I would need to fold you into my household as an official client. Can’t exactly have you as a political enemy in a decade.”
Aurian didn’t comment on the senator’s alacrity to close the deal. Perhaps the man knew he needed a Jack.
“I would be honored, but in that case I would expect a name as well—not anyone major of course”
“Of course, of course.” The senator rubbed his shaved chin. “Have anyone in mind?”
“Otelian. The former locutor. The man mentored me for a time before his passing. I would like the honor of carrying his name.”
The senator was still, then clapped him on the back. “Excellent choice. Old Otelian. He ran would be pleased to be carried by a upstart schemer like you.”
Aurian felt power flow into him as senator gave him the name of a patrician. A name with history. It was euphoric. He pinched himself, hard. He couldn’t let the rush cloud his judgement.
The senator worked out the details of the deal, tying Aurian’s fortunes and any future political ambitions to his own. The terms were generous. Aurian was given a stipend, a room, and little obligations unless he entered politics. Perhaps a bit too generous.
There was of course no formal agreement for sharing the profits of the deal. Aurian would have to trust the senator wouldn’t cheat a member of his own household.
And he doubted the man would risk shattering his name, The Maddeus, to make slightly more marks.
“It’s a shame you are leaving for the Pomerium so soon, Otelian Maddeus. I would have liked to get to know you better,” the senator said, emphasizing Aurian’s new name before finally letting go of his shoulder. The man had dragged him all around the household while working out their arrangement. The other staff, Cornelia, and even Ren had given him a double take.
“The loss is mine. I will be count the days until I return.”
“You must join us for dinner from now on, of course. And accompany Nel and Ren for the flight to the Pomerium. I know you three will accomplish great things at the university. I’ll have the arrangements made.”
The man put his arm on Aurian’s shoulder and gripping it hard. His face hardened, “The last Otellian, believe it or not placed in Class Three. You must not lower name.”
Aurian gave a resolute nod.
“I will unfortunately have to leave for matters of state tomorrow. By the time I get back, you three will be gone. I am glad we met, Otelian.” Aurian agreed, promising to return for dinner.
He drifted out of the mansion gates. It had gone better than he could have hoped. The senator had adopted him into his family. Not as a son, of course—maybe in the future if he placed high enough in the Pomerium—but just a familiar client for now.
But that wasn’t what occupied Aurian’s mind
The senator already knew.
Aurian had felt like a genius when he sold the warehouse of copper he didn’t own.
He wondered how great the senator felt, selling it over and over every month.
Thanks for sharing! My personal thoughts:
I found the card game hard to follow – even just knowing how many characters were present took some puzzling on my part. The opening line also lacks punch as it’s a simple description of an action. Perhaps an intro setting the scene; 4 characters, a hint at their motivations etc.
Keep an eye on your descriptions for brevity for future edits. “His eyes showed surprise when Aurian walked through, but it didn’t make it onto his face.” could be shortened.
The wheeling and dealings were interesting, as was the dynamic between the Ordinator and the senator. There was enough intrigue to keep my interest, but there’s perhaps room for more conflict or hints of it outside of the one line “The senator already knew.” I came away from the chapter not really knowing the motivations for the MC, and I think you have a good setup that just needs a few more hooks!
Thanks for the feedback
Yea I agree, the scene is too confusing. I think i need to get rid of the "the ordinator" and just use aurians name and make his thoughts/narration longer and a bit more explanatory.
Good point on the motivation. I should bring that up in chapter 1
The card game scene is rough and hard to interpret. For instance, because your protagonist is a nameless figure, all the early thoughts seem to clearly belong to the most recent person — the senator’s daughter. Or maybe to Ren, the only person with a name. Certainly not the dealer… except it’s supposed to be.
Not everyone knows poker. Even if we do, we can’t be sure the rules are the same. Because of this you need to make it clear at the end that Ren would have won. You know this already, because you make it clear the senator knows about the scheme at the end of the chapter proper. This is all assuming you should give Ren the winning hand at all; imo he should have a good hand sure, but having the winning hand versus a very good hand wouldn’t have substantially changed his part of the scene, so I’m not sure you need that at all. It’s not like he let Cornelia win for characterization or something. He just left.
You also need to indicate the reason for Ren’s failure to raise or call. Or at all indicate when he drops out if that failure is supposed to be recognized. Probably by having him actually leave the room as that seems to be the intention. Tearing someone to his feet isn’t removing him from the game, or the room; readers only have what you tell them to interpret the world, and if someone’s actions are immediately relevant then you have to communicate that action, not give us part of it and be happy with us figuring out the rest later. It creates a jarring effect to ignore acts, words, or objects that should be obvious to our POV and have some importance, but then get left to implication or even ignored. Similarly, it’s odd that the other two players don’t spare a single word for if they should wait, or if playing the hand through has no purpose. I mean it’s not like Nel has won the whole game, so they’re presumably pausing anyway, with ‘money’ (not clear if there’s real money at stake) still on the table.
The auctoritas thing re: three hundred million people threw me, as the point of representative democracy, of partitioning power, in modernity includes subsets of a citizenry holding one politico to account, and being represented by him. If this is or isn’t a representative democracy, this moment about the auctoritas is probably a decent spot to exposit about it through Aurian’s respect and awe. As-is the population seems okay for an entire empire, but not for who the senator would have direct authority over (with magical implications or otherwise).
Otherwise, I liked the scheming part more than the card game. I’m not sure the card game’s doing anything important written as it is now, and you could have started with the scheme. This does feel more like setup than a hook though. If you mean for this chapter to be more of a hook, we need more of a sense of risk or of personality. Maybe the deal needs to be riskier, or the threat of the senator needs to be less implicit. Maybe Aurian’s motives and overall goal need to be clearer or more evocative (right now ‘get money’ seems the extent of it and that’s boring). Something with a bit more meat than a seemingly simple and risk free scheme with a little risk of death from the more powerful conspirator on the side.
Good point. The protagonist feels detached and often dissacoiates into his roles (which is something important in this world)
but this might be too confusing to begin with.
The scene also has several interpretations that will show up later on. The purpose is more to make the reader curious if it meant something at all. Then come back to 2-3x times through out the book ( the poker scene doesnt really mean anything about the scene directly afterwards.
Good point on making it clear ren leaves. I should have him explitcitly muck his cards as he leaves.
Auctoritas isnt explained, but its the magic sytem. Other people's beliefs give you power. He draws power from the 300M citizens who give him legitamacy
I have some more exposition about it in the next couple chapters.
Thank you for the detailed feedback, really appreciate it!
Yeah I figured Auctoritas was communal magic. The catch is you’re using a system (representative democracy and its title) to funnel it language wise, as well as the weight of that system. If 300 million people are under one senator’s authority we all know that’s too many to actually represent or help or handle. If it’s 300 million in the whole country then it makes me ask how many people those 300 million can empower. None of these are plot holes or anything — but by using the loaded language up front (senator) it reads like he represents 300 million people separately from any other senator, which speaks to an insane scale.
Obviously you can exposition it cleaner later, but being clearer up front would also be nice to help us readers understand :)
I get that the game is not quite poker but you’re going to annoy any reader with an interest in poker when you say things like “raise 20.” It’s not a raise when there is no other bet.
ah oops, didnt catch that in the editing
[removed]
bot
Sorry if you didn't like my response, but I'm not a bot lol.