I'm working on a new story; I would appreciate feedback on what I have so far.
I'm open to any kind of feedback, but mostly I'd like to know what is good and what should be revised. I want to improve my prose, for which I need feedback. But feedback on characters and plot and stuff is good too.
Think of this a selection from a standalone novel; the first couple chapters. A few scenes are missing and are replaced with summaries in brackets.
Available on google docs:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r23Gj4XEMSu9lzeFsN-cdnifVfC-5466fmbQPoHA_mA/edit?usp=sharing
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It's not clear to me what spot she missed or what might slipped out of place. A little more directness would help. It may seem like a minor thing, but think of these as failure points. If you told me a woman is worried about her wig falling off her head, then that's where readers will be looking at for signs throughout the chapter. You can anchor tension to something that would otherwise be normal.
After she passed the man, it felt a bit random. I wanted a bit more clarity on why she is here. Is she a tourist on vacation? Is there some goal she came here to accomplish? Her sneaking and passing a stealth check is good for her, but to what end? Knowing that goal would better contextualize her thoughts and actions, how the chapter progresses, and in general is something you don't want to keep from readers for too long. It can be alluded to if you want to keep it a mystery; something as innocuous like her looking around and not seeing a particular building narrows the list from literally every possible reason for coming to this town to focusing on a building.
The first section, though aimless like it's a slice-of-life, was charming. I like the interaction between Tamara and the bakery. And if the slice-of-life vibe is the intention, you could wrap it around the goal of wanting to experiencing a different culture and fascination, or something.
Tey's section isn't the strongest start. It's a lot more talking, a lot more exposition in contrast to Tamara's. Tey's almost felt like the opposite of Tamara's. However, I love the storytelling aspect here, it's a nice usage of reveals. It clicked when I realize Tey was the man in Tamara's part early on. However however, him making the connections of her being a mage wasn't something I could follow. The assumptions felt like a reach; something I had to accept so the plot can continue. If the prior parts hadn't gotten me interested, this part would've made me question if I wanted to continue.
I guess part of it is that I don't know what a mage means in this world. If he had walked to the edge of town and saw traces of magic and destruction that are commonly associated with mages, then yeah, I could follow how he deduced that she's a mage. Or if she wore the tell-tale conical hat and wizardry robe, then that would make sense (obviously). But his confidence stems from her silk clothing + the fact that she was alone. It's not convincing enough and I'm squinting just so I can move on with the story.
Overall I liked it. I stopped around halfway when the first summary occurred. It felt wrong to read more knowing that I'm missing a crucial story beat.
In regards to prose, I think it could capture the respective character's perspective better. Someone describing something unfamiliar to them as, i.e., "very human" would sound more alien. And largely, I found myself reliant on a lot of tells that Tamara wasn't human, instead understanding that via the way she perceives things that would suggest so. Tey didn't have this problem, because, well, he's human.
Perhaps an easier example of perspective is:
It says that Tey has an intimidating size, but it doesn't show it. To show it you might make Tamara react in a way that would suggest so. Maybe she pulls her neck back, or steps back or avoids his path, or you can do something that speaks of her culture, idk. Because intimidation does not explicitly mean simply someone that is tall, it means that the person seeing him feels some kind of pressure to back off.
Noted; I see your point. I leaned in too heavily to the mystery aspect without any breadcrumbs to move the reader along.
Noted. That shouldn't be something hard to expound upon.
Dang. You're giving good feedback and I'd be interested in seeing what else you have to say.
The sequences between these scenes just aren't written yet. For a while I wasn't even sure what would motivate Tamara to accompany Tey on the escort job, only vaguely understanding that it would be so she could earn some money. As the story progressed I realized that she likely doesn't even have currency that they would use here, and now I have an idea for a scene where Tey comes into the shop while she tries to buy food and realizes that her money is the wrong kind.
That's one of the things I'm going to struggle with until I've got a complete draft for the novel. I also really enjoy the sequence, but I suspect it's the wrong vibe for the rest of the book. I might need some other opening sequence like something following the antagonist and pushing at the capital P plot. But that's something I shouldn't try to write until I have more of the story written; I've learned that, with the way I write, a lot of details with that stuff will change by the time I get there.
Thank you for the detailed response; it is very helpful.
Np. I may not read more here, but I am interested in the finish work whenever that may be. So feel free to hit me up if you need another look. There's also many other writers and readers that lurk here that may give the rest a shot. Happy holidays.
Would you be willing to offer some feedback on this revised opening? I've tried to address some of the things you've brought up, but it's come out nearly twice as long, so I'm not sure if it really works better.
Tamara took another nervous breath as she approached the small town. Okay, I'm doing this. As it got closer her hand began moving toward her pocket, but she stopped herself. No, I don't need to check my disguise again. I look like an elf, and that's what they'll see. She was quite pleased with the disguise; it was well-crafted and couldn't be detected by magic. And even though this was a human settlement, an elf wouldn't look out of place here, and she could pull off a more convincing elf than she could a human.
At least, she hoped she could. They'd probably kill her if they knew what she really was.
As the wooden human buildings got closer, she began to doubt her disguise more. Was she truly sure it was covering everything? The back of her neck? Behind her ears? What if her clothes started moving out of place while she was walking, and now were showing something she didn't intend? Did she really do a good job with it this morning?
She was just about to grab the small mirror in her pocket when she was struck by another fear: What if someone saw her checking her disguise? She could see windows in the human buildings, but she couldn't see inside them. Someone could be watching her right now. No, I need to act like there is no disguise. I really am an elf; and a real elf wouldn't be looking at herself to make sure she's still an elf. She continued her stride. Just an elf on her way to the city, looking for work.
A few steps later a man came into view, sauntering with his head down like he was thinking about something. He was a broad and gruff-looking human with a brown beard that didn't quite look like something he was intending to grow. His clothes looked coarse and weathered, and a hat with a wide brim sat on his brown hair. Tamara tried to not act like she was keeping her distance from him, but it was hard to not feel intimidated. She had read about how tall humans can be, but seeing one in person was a different experience. Plus he was a man; how can a man grow this tall? How tall must their women be?
No, no, human males are taller than the women, for some weird reason. Elves are that way too. I'm sure this is a normal height for a human male. ...Probably. …Boy I hope they don't come bigger.
As Tamara passed by the man, he looked up. Her mind stuttered for a moment. Then the man's face cracked into a smile on one side with a warm look in his eyes.
Yes, a friendly gesture. Of course we would all be friends here, right?
With the simple half-smile Tamara began to calm down, and she tried to return the gesture. Her disguise passed its first test. She looks like an elf, now she just needs to act like an elf. With a soft breath Tamara increased her stride.
She passed by a few more humans and soon found herself in the heart of the small town. She paused there and looked around. The buildings were all made of wood with plaster walls between large timber frames. Small buildings that only went up two or three floors. Humans milled about, running their errands. A few people looked her, some with surprised expressions, but they only nodded or smiled.
She smiled as well. It worked, I'm here in a human city! No one thinks I'm out of place and I can move about freely! They all think I'm just a normal elf woman! A pleasing wave a relief flowed over her.
...Now what?
It's definitely a lot longer and the pacing feels slower. There's also less of a clear signal. It says she's pleased with the disguise and then she worries about it, meaning she's not pleased with it. If I were to edit it I'd cut most of the revision, so it'd look like:
The back-and-forth of her entering the town or not feels better and the pacing is quicker. I think the other details are important, but you can't cram them all in here. Another reason why I thought they didn't belong was because it felt too much like exposition for the sake of the plot. You need us to know these things but that would be better shown via Tamara, with a time and place that naturally brings these details up. Tamara already knew these things before the scene started; it's only here for us, the readers. Right now she's a nervous mess, deciding on whether to proceed or not. That's what the opening has me interested in, and if something doesn't contribute to it then it needs to get out the way.
Something that this revision highlights that the previous one didn't is that she's more than worried. The original has her being nervous--which is quite natural for someone wearing a disguise and sneaking into somewhere--but in here she felt more like she's paranoid. Not saying it's a good or bad thing, but just wanted to point out that there's different characteristics at play. Why this might be a potential problem can be seen in this revision. For someone so worried about their disguise being seen through, there's not much of an effort to mitigate her exposure. Remember what I said about failure points? Those same point(s) is also where you'd mitigate if you can.
So for example, here it says she's worried about the back of her neck and her ears being visible. Maybe when she saw the man approach her, she quickly fusses with her hair to cover her nape and ears--that would sell it more. Cause having her worrying about it, but not doing anything to mitigate it isn't that persuasive. Here she's trying to play it cool and natural, but that's all the more reason why her approach to mitigation should be more subtle. An easier example to understand are chubby/fat kids in high school that are self-conscious about their body image, so they wear oversize sweaters to feel more comfortable. They don't have to be fat, either. Some thin or fit people suffer from body dysphoria do things that make them feel better, because they've internally convinced themselves that they need to do that.
I don't know if that's something that will come into play later, but just wanted to point it out. Because paranoia doesn't stop at one person. Someone that worried about their disguise seems like they would try to mitigate as much as possible, i.e. stay away from crowd and attention. Inversely, someone confident about their disguise would feel more comfortable around people, as their insecurity doesn't stem from being expose anymore.
For the intimidation part the details are a bit vague. It's saying the man is really tall in her eyes, but like how tall is he to make his size intimidating? Is she like half his size? Or maybe she's like a short king that's insecure with their height--that would make sense why she would see someone's height as intimidating. Of course it doesn't need to be answer here, just some more questions that came to mind.
This little part also adds to the feeling of the pacing slowing down. I would condense this, at least. She nervous about her disguise, and a human is walking towards her. To me that's the focus of the intro. So these details draw too much focus away from that and onto his height, imo. It's similar to the above where the details get in the way and makes the focus hazy. Personally, I try reading without the parts that I strikethrough'd or highlighted and it felt better in terms of pacing.
The first sentence is... Lackluster? I don't know if that's the right word, but it just feels almost too to the point. We're immediately placed into the character's head before anything can really solidify, and it's like you're jumping from void / blank approaching town, to their thoughts, then back out before anything is described.
It feels empty, if that makes sense.
Your descriptors are a bit plain, too, and almost redundant. 'Her hands began moving to her pockets, but then suddenly stopped in motion' could be
'Reaching for her pockets, she stopped.' You don't need stopped in motion, stopping tells us what we need to know and adding in 'began moving' feels off. Stopping mid reach is much smoother.
That's not actually what I wrote though. The line was "After two more steps her hand began moving toward her pocket, but she stopped the motion." Not in motion, but the motion.
If I just said "stopped" it would mean she stopped walking. Even your example gives that same impression; it describes a different action than what I wrote. And "her hands began moving" paired with "she stopped the motion" suggests the motion began autonomously and was stopped consciously. Not overtly, but it would sound too wordy if I was that overt.
I'm interested in finding ways to improve that opening, but you seem to be critiquing it with a higher level of granularity than you actually read it at.
I like the way you built tension with Tamara’s perspective. The anxiety about her disguise and the small, human-town details was well written. The combat scenes are exciting as well. I liked seeing her clever use of magic and quick thinking.
I do think you need to trim some of the longer paragraphs and sentences. There’s a lot of descriptive detail, which is great for worldbuilding, but a few breaks will make this easier to follow. Tamara’s internal thoughts are also fun, but sometimes they repeat similar ideas. Trim these a bit to increase the pacing in tense moments like the golem fight.
A good read overall. Keep writing and read more!