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This piece sounds dramatic, but it doesn’t actually do any narrative work. It’s a stack of familiar fantasy signals pretending to be a story.
Everything here is abstracted to the point of emptiness. We’re told there is pain, danger, collapse, gods, titans, memories, fate …. but none of it has weight because nothing is specific. The fight has no tactics, geography or causality. Fire “gutters,” shadows “lean,” eyes “narrow,” stone “buckles,” but these actions don’t change the situation in any meaningful way. They’re just visual noise.
The prose leans heavily on stock fantasy imagery instead of earned detail. Furnace eyes. Molten leer. Violet starlight. Runes. Crystal skull. Ancient voice. These are all genre shortcuts that sound more like „default“ than actual earned voice. „Something ancient“ feels like a lazy excuse.
The result is that we are missing a unique author voice or a character voice. We have a main character. But it feels like a stand-in just so we have a POV.
Dialogue is another weak point. Lines like “So much for being the hero,” “Even monsters cheat,” and “Why me?” are cliché to the point of parody. They don’t reveal character; they signal what the reader is supposed to feel. The skull’s voice, in particular, is tonally confused—half ancient god, half modern quip machine. Everything sounds like it was just written to be quoted somewhere. So it reads like it’s trying way too hard to sound epic instead of actually doing its job.
Most importantly, the text feels assembled rather than authored. The rhythm relies on short, punchy sentences in predictable patterns. Imagery repeats with slight variations. Emotional cues are announced instead of discovered.
As a result it’s loud, but hollow. It gestures at epic fantasy without doing the hard work that makes epic moments land.
It reads like LitRPG meets Screenplay but it takes the weaker traits from both.
It feels a bit like the author doesn’t know or understand the main character enough to give this scene a unique view or grounded observations and actions. Same goes for the worldbuilding. Its surface level epicness without any true voice, stakes or consequences.
How much have you written in total? Is this a first draft? What is the „something ancient“ that awakes? (Do you already know that or is it just some concept?)
Thanks for taking the time to write such a thorough critique. I genuinely appreciate it.
A big part of what you’re reacting to is on me, structurally. For the Reddit post I stitched together three separate passages (the end of the fight, the discovery of the skull, and the first exchange with the voice) into a compressed excerpt so I could keep it near 500 words. In the manuscript, those sections have more setup, continuity, and cause and effect, and the “something ancient” is fully defined. I just could not fit that context into a short post without turning it into a wall of text and getting zero feedback.
This scene sits roughly 150 pages into the story, so it’s also not the introduction to Khalen or the world. I was trying to share a high-impact moment without asking people to read a full chapter first, and I can see how that can make it feel like “signals” without enough grounding.
For what it’s worth, I do know exactly what the ancient presence is, and why it speaks the way it does. The tonal blend you called out (ancient intensity plus a sharper, more conversational edge) is intentional, but your point stands: if the voice reads as confused rather than distinct, I need to earn that contrast on the page.
I’ve written about a million words over the last 10 years, mostly in lore, backstory, and drafts, and I’m now tightening the actual “on-page” storytelling so the worldbuilding shows up as lived detail instead of atmosphere. The themes are religion, archaeology, and philosophy in a ruined fantasy world, but I want those to land through character choices and tangible consequence, not monologue.
I’m going to post a complete, uninterrupted segment (likely the prologue or a full chapter) on Royal Road so people can judge it as authored work, not a stitched highlight reel.
If you’re open to one follow-up: if you had to pick just one thing to fix first, would it be (1) more tactical/grounded physical causality, (2) less “default epic” phrasing, or (3) sharpening Khalen’s specific interior voice?
Also, on a personal note, this world genuinely was my respite during a long stretch of corporate work. I used to daydream about it during client meetings just to stay sane, telling myself I was negotiating with dragons instead of, well, another boardroom full of suits. Now I’m finally trying to bring that escape to life on the page, and feedback like yours helps me make it real instead of just “epic sounding.” I truly appreciate it.
I get what you’re saying about the excerpt being stitched together, but I want to be clear about what I was reacting to.
My critique wasn’t about missing lore or setup and more about the prose itself. Even out of context, a 500-word passage should still hold up at the sentence level: cause and effect, specificity, physical logic, and voice. Right now, those issues would still be there in a full chapter, because they’re independent of context and rather a craft issue.
Hello! My sensors tell me you're new-ish around here. In case you don't know, we have a whole big list of resources for new fantasy writers here. Our favorite ways to learn how to write are Brandon Sanderson's Writing Course on youtube and the podcast Writing Excuses.
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I will be very blunt here: this leans heavily into what we see when AI is involved.
Overall: The weird punchy dialogue that tries too hard (and states motive and intention like a children‘s TV show rather than trusting the reader and subtext). We have no clear PoV (it’s all „camera level“) stakes and plot (if any) are told—not lived or experienced. Plus literally everything here is alive and moving and whatnot. That’s classic overcompensation of pulses, flickers… just as much as GPT loves „deliberate/steady/slow“ to describe things even if it doesn’t really fit!
Now to the prose level:
Not the Titan’s molten leer, something colder, patient, savoring his wound. A second presence, unseen, watching.
This is very often used by LLM‘s to signal mystery. „Something X“ (GPT loves this. „Something older. / Something darker. / Something ancient.“)
It also reads like a comma splice was put there in favor of an em-dash. But it doesn’t help since the sentence was built with the em-dash in mind. Now the reader stumbles.
It also reads like it used to be „A second presence. Unseen. Watching.“ (again a GPT favorite broken up and now it trips the reader)
.
Through the haze he saw it, half buried in rubble, waiting. Not white bone. Crystal.
Another classic LLM style. „Then he saw it. Not X. (But ) Y. Word. Word.“
It is supposed to Build tension, but is overused or used incorrectly most of the time.
.
It pulsed once, not a glow, a glance.
Just a slight variation of another Chat GPT classic.
„It pulsed once. Not a glow. A glance.“ (Not x. But Y)
It’s even used again just moments later: The voice came again, not thunder now, but a weary exhale formed into words. (Not X but Y)
.
A pause.
GPT doesn’t trust the reader to realize silence. It also doesn’t like „nothing happening“. So we have: „A pause“ or „a beat“ or a multidtude of unnecessary dialogue tags.
Don’t get me wrong: None of these are bad if used correctly and moderately. None of these are uniquely LLM (GPT had to learn from somewhere ;) ). But in a mere 500 words, this text is saturated with AI-style pseudo-dramatic writing, watered down PoV (because AI can only replicate epic beats and not real character insight) and telltale AI-stylistics. We have an overwhelming density in such a short sample. Deleting the em-dashes doesn’t help, it just shows where they used to be/should be.
If this is your actual style without any LLM touch I would suggest you look into these elements and how to actually use them correctly.
Thanks for the blunt critique, I genuinely appreciate you taking the time to point to specific lines and patterns.
A few clarifications for context:
Voice and intent
I’m aiming for poetic, lyrical narration with clear prose. The scene and dialogue are intentionally grand because this moment is meant to feel mythic in-world. The entity in the skull also leans into “cliche epic” on purpose. That is how he speaks. He thinks very highly of himself, and part of his voice is performative and self-mythologizing.
Formatting changes for Reddit
I removed em dashes to post the excerpt here, which definitely changes the rhythm. A lot of the sentence structure was originally built around that cadence, so I agree it can stumble when converted.
Some lines are very old, older than AI
For example, the “Through the haze…” beat is something I wrote years ago in my notes, long before I ever posted anything publicly. I’ve carried that first glimpse of the skull for a long time. The surrounding context has changed over drafts; at one point it was a vault scene, now it’s ancient ruins beneath a mining prison, but that “first sight” image stayed.
Cinematic POV is a deliberate choice
I’m intentionally writing in a cinematic, camera-close style with minimal exposition and very few monologues. The goal is closer to script or manga pacing, where you learn the world through motion, consequence, and image rather than long explanation. Same reason I keep dialogue tight. People rarely speak in long speeches, especially in a crisis.
What I was really trying to learn
The core thing I wanted to know from readers was: is this entertaining, and would you be intrigued enough to keep reading? My goal is to make every page matter. I’ve written and rewritten these sections thousands of times, and I try to build subtext and intent into most exchanges. If a line is on the page, it’s there for a reason, even when it’s doing something quiet under the surface.
Where your feedback still lands
That said, your point about grounding, tactics, and causality is fair. If the imagery is reading as “visual noise,” then I need to do more work anchoring actions to outcomes and making the scene feel like it is changing beat by beat, not just escalating in adjectives.
If you’re open to it, I’m going to post a fuller, uncompressed segment (with the original punctuation and surrounding setup) so the POV, stakes, and voice have room to actually do narrative work. I’d love to hear if your read changes when it isn’t stitched down to 500 words.
Dude even your response was run through GPT… you even have a couple of copy paste errors where you frankensteined the GPT output together and sentences are half-cropped..
Hello! My sensors tell me you're new-ish around here. In case you don't know, we have a whole big list of resources for new fantasy writers here. Our favorite ways to learn how to write are Brandon Sanderson's Writing Course on youtube and the podcast Writing Excuses.
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I'm trying to reply to every comment in detail so I'm putting it in for editing I am not sure what your issue is. AI isn't evil I used it for my art. I'm not an artist. I used to help me create a marketing strategy I use it to ask for trends regarding platform to use. I ask it historical questions just as I did Google years ago while writing the book. Of course I use it to edit most comments I post especially ones critiquing my work as I don't want to come across as too defensive. It isn't always easy hearing criticism and I don't and to offend. I also used to help in regards to copyright and legal questions. Where I didn't use it was writing the book. Try writing a book on it can only process around 3k words at a time anyway my book is over 129k words currently it wouldn't even be able to run a quarter of it without summarizing and losing all context.
This was why I even removed all the em dashes. It's Christmas Day I don't want to sit here meticulously editing every comment for grammar and punctuation. You got one.
Edit: would love your feedback on you full segment I will post shortly.
Hello! My sensors tell me you're new-ish around here. In case you don't know, we have a whole big list of resources for new fantasy writers here. Our favorite ways to learn how to write are Brandon Sanderson's Writing Course on youtube and the podcast Writing Excuses.
You will stop seeing this message when you receive 3-ish upvotes for your comments.
Hello! My sensors tell me you're new-ish around here. In case you don't know, we have a whole big list of resources for new fantasy writers here. Our favorite ways to learn how to write are Brandon Sanderson's Writing Course on youtube and the podcast Writing Excuses.
You will stop seeing this message when you receive 3-ish upvotes for your comments.
Welcome to r/FantasyWriters! If you are a new writer, check out our Beginner's Resources: https://www.reddit.com/r/fantasywriters/comments/19cyxbe/beginners_hub_new_to_writing_fantasy_read_this/
Your post has been removed because it may have been created using AI. This sub has a strict policy against using AI to generate content. If your post was not created by AI, please reach out via Modmail to let us know.
We may also have removed your post because you advocated for using AI in a way that we, as a community, do not support.
This piece sounds dramatic, but it doesn’t actually do any narrative work. It’s a stack of familiar fantasy signals pretending to be a story.
Everything here is abstracted to the point of emptiness. We’re told there is pain, danger, collapse, gods, titans, memories, fate …. but none of it has weight because nothing is specific. The fight has no tactics, geography or causality. Fire “gutters,” shadows “lean,” eyes “narrow,” stone “buckles,” but these actions don’t change the situation in any meaningful way. They’re just visual noise.
The prose leans heavily on stock fantasy imagery instead of earned detail. Furnace eyes. Molten leer. Violet starlight. Runes. Crystal skull. Ancient voice. These are all genre shortcuts that sound more like „default“ than actual earned voice. „Something ancient“ feels like a lazy excuse.
The result is that we are missing a unique author voice or a character voice. We have a main character. But it feels like a stand-in just so we have a POV.
Dialogue is another weak point. Lines like “So much for being the hero,” “Even monsters cheat,” and “Why me?” are cliché to the point of parody. They don’t reveal character; they signal what the reader is supposed to feel. The skull’s voice, in particular, is tonally confused—half ancient god, half modern quip machine. Everything sounds like it was just written to be quoted somewhere. So it reads like it’s trying way too hard to sound epic instead of actually doing its job.
Most importantly, the text feels assembled rather than authored. The rhythm relies on short, punchy sentences in predictable patterns. Imagery repeats with slight variations. Emotional cues are announced instead of discovered.
As a result it’s loud, but hollow. It gestures at epic fantasy without doing the hard work that makes epic moments land.
It reads like LitRPG meets Screenplay but it takes the weaker traits from both.
It feels a bit like the author doesn’t know or understand the main character enough to give this scene a unique view or grounded observations and actions. Same goes for the worldbuilding. Its surface level epicness without any true voice, stakes or consequences.
How much have you written in total? Is this a first draft? What is the „something ancient“ that awakes? (Do you already know that or is it just some concept?)
Thanks for taking the time to write such a thorough critique. I genuinely appreciate it.
A big part of what you’re reacting to is on me, structurally. For the Reddit post I stitched together three separate passages (the end of the fight, the discovery of the skull, and the first exchange with the voice) into a compressed excerpt so I could keep it near 500 words. In the manuscript, those sections have more setup, continuity, and cause and effect, and the “something ancient” is fully defined. I just could not fit that context into a short post without turning it into a wall of text and getting zero feedback.
This scene sits roughly 150 pages into the story, so it’s also not the introduction to Khalen or the world. I was trying to share a high-impact moment without asking people to read a full chapter first, and I can see how that can make it feel like “signals” without enough grounding.
For what it’s worth, I do know exactly what the ancient presence is, and why it speaks the way it does. The tonal blend you called out (ancient intensity plus a sharper, more conversational edge) is intentional, but your point stands: if the voice reads as confused rather than distinct, I need to earn that contrast on the page.
I’ve written about a million words over the last 10 years, mostly in lore, backstory, and drafts, and I’m now tightening the actual “on-page” storytelling so the worldbuilding shows up as lived detail instead of atmosphere. The themes are religion, archaeology, and philosophy in a ruined fantasy world, but I want those to land through character choices and tangible consequence, not monologue.
I’m going to post a complete, uninterrupted segment (likely the prologue or a full chapter) on Royal Road so people can judge it as authored work, not a stitched highlight reel.
If you’re open to one follow-up: if you had to pick just one thing to fix first, would it be (1) more tactical/grounded physical causality, (2) less “default epic” phrasing, or (3) sharpening Khalen’s specific interior voice?
Also, on a personal note, this world genuinely was my respite during a long stretch of corporate work. I used to daydream about it during client meetings just to stay sane, telling myself I was negotiating with dragons instead of, well, another boardroom full of suits. Now I’m finally trying to bring that escape to life on the page, and feedback like yours helps me make it real instead of just “epic sounding.” I truly appreciate it.
I get what you’re saying about the excerpt being stitched together, but I want to be clear about what I was reacting to.
My critique wasn’t about missing lore or setup and more about the prose itself. Even out of context, a 500-word passage should still hold up at the sentence level: cause and effect, specificity, physical logic, and voice. Right now, those issues would still be there in a full chapter, because they’re independent of context and rather a craft issue.
Only one way to find out ha I'll post the beginning of the person colony perhaps and let's see. Would love your feedback.
Hello! My sensors tell me you're new-ish around here. In case you don't know, we have a whole big list of resources for new fantasy writers here. Our favorite ways to learn how to write are Brandon Sanderson's Writing Course on youtube and the podcast Writing Excuses.
You will stop seeing this message when you receive 3-ish upvotes for your comments.
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I will be very blunt here: this leans heavily into what we see when AI is involved.
Overall: The weird punchy dialogue that tries too hard (and states motive and intention like a children‘s TV show rather than trusting the reader and subtext). We have no clear PoV (it’s all „camera level“) stakes and plot (if any) are told—not lived or experienced. Plus literally everything here is alive and moving and whatnot. That’s classic overcompensation of pulses, flickers… just as much as GPT loves „deliberate/steady/slow“ to describe things even if it doesn’t really fit!
Now to the prose level:
This is very often used by LLM‘s to signal mystery. „Something X“ (GPT loves this. „Something older. / Something darker. / Something ancient.“)
It also reads like a comma splice was put there in favor of an em-dash. But it doesn’t help since the sentence was built with the em-dash in mind. Now the reader stumbles.
It also reads like it used to be „A second presence. Unseen. Watching.“ (again a GPT favorite broken up and now it trips the reader)
.
Another classic LLM style. „Then he saw it. Not X. (But ) Y. Word. Word.“
It is supposed to Build tension, but is overused or used incorrectly most of the time.
.
Just a slight variation of another Chat GPT classic.
„It pulsed once. Not a glow. A glance.“ (Not x. But Y)
It’s even used again just moments later: The voice came again, not thunder now, but a weary exhale formed into words. (Not X but Y)
.
GPT doesn’t trust the reader to realize silence. It also doesn’t like „nothing happening“. So we have: „A pause“ or „a beat“ or a multidtude of unnecessary dialogue tags.
Don’t get me wrong: None of these are bad if used correctly and moderately. None of these are uniquely LLM (GPT had to learn from somewhere ;) ). But in a mere 500 words, this text is saturated with AI-style pseudo-dramatic writing, watered down PoV (because AI can only replicate epic beats and not real character insight) and telltale AI-stylistics. We have an overwhelming density in such a short sample. Deleting the em-dashes doesn’t help, it just shows where they used to be/should be.
If this is your actual style without any LLM touch I would suggest you look into these elements and how to actually use them correctly.
Thanks for the blunt critique, I genuinely appreciate you taking the time to point to specific lines and patterns.
A few clarifications for context: Voice and intent I’m aiming for poetic, lyrical narration with clear prose. The scene and dialogue are intentionally grand because this moment is meant to feel mythic in-world. The entity in the skull also leans into “cliche epic” on purpose. That is how he speaks. He thinks very highly of himself, and part of his voice is performative and self-mythologizing.
Formatting changes for Reddit I removed em dashes to post the excerpt here, which definitely changes the rhythm. A lot of the sentence structure was originally built around that cadence, so I agree it can stumble when converted.
Some lines are very old, older than AI For example, the “Through the haze…” beat is something I wrote years ago in my notes, long before I ever posted anything publicly. I’ve carried that first glimpse of the skull for a long time. The surrounding context has changed over drafts; at one point it was a vault scene, now it’s ancient ruins beneath a mining prison, but that “first sight” image stayed.
Cinematic POV is a deliberate choice I’m intentionally writing in a cinematic, camera-close style with minimal exposition and very few monologues. The goal is closer to script or manga pacing, where you learn the world through motion, consequence, and image rather than long explanation. Same reason I keep dialogue tight. People rarely speak in long speeches, especially in a crisis.
What I was really trying to learn The core thing I wanted to know from readers was: is this entertaining, and would you be intrigued enough to keep reading? My goal is to make every page matter. I’ve written and rewritten these sections thousands of times, and I try to build subtext and intent into most exchanges. If a line is on the page, it’s there for a reason, even when it’s doing something quiet under the surface. Where your feedback still lands
That said, your point about grounding, tactics, and causality is fair. If the imagery is reading as “visual noise,” then I need to do more work anchoring actions to outcomes and making the scene feel like it is changing beat by beat, not just escalating in adjectives.
If you’re open to it, I’m going to post a fuller, uncompressed segment (with the original punctuation and surrounding setup) so the POV, stakes, and voice have room to actually do narrative work. I’d love to hear if your read changes when it isn’t stitched down to 500 words.
Dude even your response was run through GPT… you even have a couple of copy paste errors where you frankensteined the GPT output together and sentences are half-cropped..
Did you read the full passage I posted?
Hello! My sensors tell me you're new-ish around here. In case you don't know, we have a whole big list of resources for new fantasy writers here. Our favorite ways to learn how to write are Brandon Sanderson's Writing Course on youtube and the podcast Writing Excuses.
You will stop seeing this message when you receive 3-ish upvotes for your comments.
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I'm trying to reply to every comment in detail so I'm putting it in for editing I am not sure what your issue is. AI isn't evil I used it for my art. I'm not an artist. I used to help me create a marketing strategy I use it to ask for trends regarding platform to use. I ask it historical questions just as I did Google years ago while writing the book. Of course I use it to edit most comments I post especially ones critiquing my work as I don't want to come across as too defensive. It isn't always easy hearing criticism and I don't and to offend. I also used to help in regards to copyright and legal questions. Where I didn't use it was writing the book. Try writing a book on it can only process around 3k words at a time anyway my book is over 129k words currently it wouldn't even be able to run a quarter of it without summarizing and losing all context.
This was why I even removed all the em dashes. It's Christmas Day I don't want to sit here meticulously editing every comment for grammar and punctuation. You got one.
Edit: would love your feedback on you full segment I will post shortly.
Hello! My sensors tell me you're new-ish around here. In case you don't know, we have a whole big list of resources for new fantasy writers here. Our favorite ways to learn how to write are Brandon Sanderson's Writing Course on youtube and the podcast Writing Excuses.
You will stop seeing this message when you receive 3-ish upvotes for your comments.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Hello! My sensors tell me you're new-ish around here. In case you don't know, we have a whole big list of resources for new fantasy writers here. Our favorite ways to learn how to write are Brandon Sanderson's Writing Course on youtube and the podcast Writing Excuses.
You will stop seeing this message when you receive 3-ish upvotes for your comments.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.