“But what’s your power?” The clerk tapped blindly on his tablet without looking away from me.
“That’s all it is,” I said.
“You’re just…pretty?”
“Looking good is all I’m good for, so at least I’m really good at it.”
“Is this a joke?” The clerk half tilted his body as if he were about to look away from me to check the room for laughing coworkers.
Of course, he didn’t actually look away from me.
“No joke,” I said. “I’m just pretty. That’s all there is to it.” I pointed at the camera in the corner of the interview room. “Oh, and I know I told your security team when I came in, but it’s extremely important that you delete the footage.”
Tears dripped out of the clerk’s unblinking open eyes and trailed down his cheeks. “Well I’m sorry, Miss, but that just isn’t possible. There’s no expectation of privacy in a public building.”
“Well after what happened with my youtube channel, the Bureau is provisionally classifying recordings of me as a ‘cognition hazard.’” I shrugged. “It’ll help if you cut down the resolution until I’m blurry. Better still if you cut the visual completely. Audio usually isn’t nearly as bad, but I did an ASMR this one time and…look, I just really don’t want anyone else to get hurt.”
“This is absurd. You’re an extremely attractive woman, I’ll grant you that—but being ‘just pretty’ isn’t a superpower.”
He really didn’t get it.
I smiled. He swallowed, twitched, and dropped his tablet. The screen cracked on the concrete floor. I doubted he noticed.
“If you won’t delete the footage,” I said, “you’ll want to take down the names of anyone who has access to it, especially anyone who’s on right now. I’m wearing a tanktop, as per the registry notice’s request.” I motioned at my cleavage. “Someone usually saves a copy when I’m wearing a tanktop. Frankly, the fact the registry notice requested this outfit is giving me some serious doubts about our government’s good sense, but I need this job. It’s not like I can work anywhere else looking like this.”
“This is getting a little ridiculous,” he whispered. He wasn’t breathing much.
“Humor me? At least send someone to check on them in a few days to make sure they’re still alive.” I pulled his phone out of my pocket and turned on the camera.
“Is that my phone?” he asked.
“I took it while you were staring down my collar.” I took a selfie.
“I…I apologize, that was very unprofessional of me, but I really don’t—”
I stood up. “I waved the phone in front of your face and everything.”
“Er…what?”
“There’s a reason I don’t wear tanktops.” I set the phone on table in front of him, my selfie on the screen. “I’m going to go to the bathroom. See if you can look away from my picture before I come back.”
I put a bulky hoodie, a baseball hat, huge cat eye sunglasses, a medical facemask, and a scarf before I stepped out through the door. Even bundled up, I still caused a commotion on the way to the bathrooms, but it was better than it would have been.
When I came out of the stall, a woman smeared her lipstick as she watched me in the reflection. She sucked in a long gasp when I started washing my hands.
“Oh my god!” She stepped forward, carving a long streak of scarlet lipstick across the porcelain sink as she reached for my hands. “Who is your manicurist? Your nails are incredible!”
I yanked my hands away. “Do not fucking touch me.”
“Excuse me?”
I dried my hands, ignoring her, and stalked back to the registration interview.
When I came in, the clerk was curled over his phone, trembling as he stared unblinking at the screen.
I reached out and turned the phone off.
He unravelled into a long racking sob, and kept his eyes carefully averted from me.
“Okay,” he whispered. “We’ll delete the footage.”
“I think that’s a really good idea,” I said. “I’ll get the one on your phone for you?”
He shoved it across the table with a jolt. “Passcode is 1725. Could you make sure you clear it from recently deleted? If you don’t…”
“I will. You’ll still check for it a few times tonight, but it’ll get better by tomorrow.” I made sure the photo was unrecoverable before setting it back on the table.
“How the hell do you manage your daily life?” He asked while shielding his eyes from me with a hand.
“I don’t, obviously.”
We sat in silence for a few seconds.
“I don’t know what to put on the registry,” he said.
“It’s easy. My superpower is that I’m just really, really pretty.”
He laughed, and reached for his cracked tablet. “I can’t wait to see what my manager says about this.”
(Note: I just thought this was a funny idea so I sketched out a scene to share it with some random strangers on the internet. Thoughts?)
This was genuinely the most intriguing thing I’ve ever read here. Great hook, really. Well done. If that turned into a whole novel, I would read it.
Thank you so much! That's really sweet. I might just have to do that, I really enjoyed writing this.
Please do. I want to know more.
And then she comes across someone immune to her powers!
I would absolutely read this novel too!
OP, I’m absolutely hooked. Intriguing concept, handled well, gave us some sense of the character via voice and behavior and low-key description - nice writing! She definitely feels like someone with a real personality and a real backstory, existing with a history, even though it’s just a short piece.
I enjoyed it, but I'm not sure it would support a whole novel. It's just Charisma 18 with some super modifier. You would have to have other characters with a different min max to build a full story.
Charisma 18 is still human. In D&D teens, this would be around Charisma 30.
I recall a Champions character who has something like a 40 Appearance (by way of comparasion a 40 Strength character can lift 6.4 tons), and Regeneration only to fix her hair. She was weird.
This character would probably have something like 10D6 Mind control, always on, no conscious control, and some other advantages and limitations to represent she's a constant cognition hazard.
There is a novel called “Fire” with a character just like this. It’s a fantastic, if not mildly depressing, read. Highly recommend. Author is Kristin Cashore
Very clever! The style reminds me of There is no Antimemetics Division (and/or the 'SCP Foundation' stuff it spun out from), and you've executed it very well.
Sweet, "somebody call the SCP and get this girl a number" was the level of "just pretty" I was going for. Thanks!
You nailed it! I had the feeling as I was reading that this fit with SCP, a view from the other side as it were.
The best part about this is that you never described her looks. In fact, there was a lot of telling, not showing in this but it worked wonderfully. Obviously you showed us by the other characters behavior, but there was still a lot of telling involved. But like I said, it worked. Plus, not describing her looks allows the reader to imagine her any way they want.
Mine had red hair.
Thanks! Yeah, my take on showing vs telling is that you are always telling something, and showing every higher level of abstraction.
Like, even at the concrete level of physical description, if you say “the coffin was gaudily gilded, and when his daughter stumbled in drunk, nobody looked up from the will long enough to notice,” you are telling a bunch of concrete physical details about a funeral, and showing that nobody cares about this dead guy at all except for his money, and clearly he had a terrible relationship with his daughter. But you can also tell the reader directly in prose “nobody cared about bob except for his money, and his daughter didn’t care enough about him to show up sober.” But we are still showing everything higher abstraction, a lot about who bob was as a person, the sort of person his daughter is, etc…
I find that it’s really useful to decide on what the most important thing is that you’re trying to show, and then target your telling for a layer or so of abstraction below that. The idea of showing is having the reader work it out for themselves from what you’re telling them. It makes the experience of reading feel more real.
You might be tempted to just show almost everything by targeting your telling at a super low level of abstraction, but going down in abstraction takes WAAAAY more words, and that’ll bog you down in pacing like crazy and turn it into a mess of needless details that don’t actually help the reader get closer to the thing you want them to experience.
Although you might have to do a little more showing in the above example. The daughter turning up drunk could be because she doesn’t care enough to be sober, or it could be that she’s the only one who does care and she can’t face the rest of the uncaring family sober. It certainly suggests the rest of the family doesn’t care any more about her than they do about Bob.
Mine was a brunette! I second the notion that not describing her was a good move!
This was funny as hell and well done 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Thanks, definitely got a kick out of writing it
This is well written and very interesting. You've got something here.
Thanks! I’m going to play around with extending it, we’ll have to see how it translates to a longer work.
"Obsession-inducing Appearance" seems like a better fit.
That’s definitely the vibe. Very out of control.
I love it! As for what to put on the registry, maybe it could be called a 'Mesmer' or something?
Thanks! Now let's just hope the guy can type anything into his tablet without catching her reflection.
Omg that was so good. I honestly thought...'ok this will be dumb' , next thing I knew I was scrolling through. Dropped my phone, it cracked, continued scrolling. Very good idea and writing!
Oh no! She got to you through the words alone!
Keep working on it. I liked the idea of her being kind and helping people deal with it like this guy. It was offputting for her to be so aggressive with the woman touching her, especially when she can’t help it.
Random thoughts:
It’d be interesting if the more she reveals, the more extreme the reaction. like staring -> obsession -> worshiping -> heart explodes. if she sleeps with someone, they die.
There’d have to be at least one person immune, a romantic interest or friend. Maybe the one person who is immune also finds her ugly, so they can only be friends…or maybe he falls for her personality.
She’s kinda like a siren + medusa. The only way to beat her is to fight without using sight or hearing.
She could get a with a blind person.
That's right, that's her only option. Or only a blind person can stop her evil schemes? The blind person's superpower is...blindness and a heightened sense of something or another?
This story has so much potential, totally unlike the usual superpower crap that gets recycled. The scary thing about this is that it's grounded in reality. It could be a parody of how the world actually works. It'd be a fun dynamic duo romance.
Thanks! The biggest inspiration was Wildbow’s Worm. He’s got this character, Tattletale, who is basically bbc sherlock holmes as a superpower, BUT the wild leaps of magical logic feel waaaay more acceptable because it is explicitly her super power. Anyways, so I was thinking about how we can have these characters that can feel a bit much, but just go out and say “no, reader, it’s just magic” and it feels much more acceptable. And how many times have we all read about how the female lead is essentially MAGICALLY beautiful? So what about just taking that and rolling with it?
Yeah, own your story's conceits instead of justifying them with flimsy realism. The tighter internal logic opens up all sorts of plot possibilities that aren't possible ( or believable) otherwise. There'll be a lot more tension to work with. I'd like to see who you pair your pretty protagonist with.
This could have easily been one of Heartbreaker's kids...except she was too nice.
That’s what I was thinking. I’ve got a character in my long time drawer of potential ideas that should work for it, we’ll see how it works out.
The extreme reaction to possibly being touched might actually be for the woman's benefit. If looking at her is a cognition hazard, what would touching her be like?
Alternatively, as much as she might have learned to deal with the fact that people can't look away, the violation of having people randomly touching her could be too far.
That response is 110% the response that women with certain types of hair have, because all these strangers think they have the right to just suddenly start touching and stroking their hair.
People who think they have the right to touch you because they want to touch you are really some of the worst people out there. And the guy who had been unable to look away had been able to keep himself from even trying to touch her when a lot more of her was exposed. So I think the woman in the bathroom was probably just an entitled bitch.
Yeah. I can only imagine how many people feel like they're entitled to touch this woman in her daily life.
I actually have something like this with people picking me up. I have snapped ‘don’t pick me up!’ at people who weren’t intending to do so, because the number of people who did was so high (I’m very short and thin, when I was 5st men were desperate to prove how easily they could pick me up and a lot of the time there was some innuendo about the bedroom 🤢)
Very interesting. Gives me SCP vibes for sure. Kind of the inverse of 096. Great wok, OP!
Thanks a bunch!
Yeah, I really enjoyed this! Unique, with a disarming intro that makes you laugh until it begins to unsettle you. Would definitely read more of this.
I like to think a lot of it is her attitude about the whole thing. Was trying to make this woman a bit at the end of her rope, feigning uncaring humor to hide how severely crippled her life has been.
This is such a clever idea!
Thanks!
You're welcome!
Feels straight out of a MisFits episode, the vibe is fantastic, maybe the unblinking seems a tad too intense but that could be because of the tank top aspect. Not sure where the “don’t touch” part could come from if it’s mainly sight based, which begs the question about other senses.
Yeah, I also feel like this woman deals with a lot of people feeling entitled to her attention, and if this has been going on for any length of time, she’s probably got some pretty serious boundaries around her personal space
Love it but let the poor souls blink? u can’t go long without blinking
Yeah, I’d tweak a few of the various “signs the clerk is losing his mind.” Need to work out a concrete progression of symptoms before I expand it
I had a great time reading this, kudos. My main complaint is a lack of internality. It’s hard to know if this concept could carry anything much longer without knowing how this character feels, behaves in her private life, and handles actual conflicts (like how she bites back at the government asking her to wear the tank for example). But you have a good core to explore all that if you want to. And by complaint I mean I wish you had that so I could have read more.
Not having more to read is a nice complaint to hear :)
paging Joelle Van Dyne
I feel like the acid burns are going to end up startlingly aesthetic, and it’ll just make people more obsessed.
Most interesting thing I've read in a week. If this was a novel I would read it.
Soon, my friend.
So Medusa except with beauty and a lot more eerie. This kinda gave me chills
I was thinking Medusa as a potential superhero name! Probably going to go with Venus, but that’s mostly the superhero marketing people shoving it down her throat.
More reverse Narcissis?
Love it! I want to read the novel! After you write it, of course.
Getting on it.
I second this. This would be a fun read
It is funny. But also terrifyingly realistic when it comes to super powers. Mind effective abilities have always been the bane of any hero or country. I thought it was very clever and you should create a series for her. Have some flashbacks when it first started. I would definitely follow.
I’m pretty curious about her past too. There’s definitely a period of time where she was a livestreamer, and something clearly went catastrophically wrong.
ooh this is so cool, really fun and interesting concept and well executed. I would gladly read more, thank you for sharing!
Thanks a bunch, hope to have more soon!
This is great. It reminds me of one of the characters from the Hidden Legacy series by Ilona Andrews, but certainly written with a very different take and written really well!
Haven’t read it yet, I’ll throw it on the list. Thanks!
As someone else pointed out, I love how the person is never actually described for the reader. It makes it even more compelling.
A great read and a very cool concept!
Glad you enjoyed it!
So nice reading something good and fun and interesting for once! I would LOVE to read more. Your writing style is funny and quick, but not too fast paced. I like it a lot
I was definitely trying to consciously keep this one pretty quick and relatively concise, glad it worked. It’s crazy just how little you actually need, so long as you trust the reader to meet you halfway.
Forgot the name but there’s an isekai anime where a dude gets turned into a woman with max attractiveness. Maybe something to watch for further inspiration if you find it.
I’ll keep an eye out, thanks!
This is goos, and a great idea that would support a novel or novella with other interesting characters supporting. Could be smoother in some spots, but idea is great
Thanks! And definitely agree on the need for an ensmoothening.
Man I try writing and all I get is some Bs and this guy manages to write an actual masterpiece in 800 words.
In all seriousness this was really well done. Good job!
Thank you so much! Glad you liked it. The secret to any skill I have as a writer is a frankly terrifying amount of practice.
Sweet heaven, if it were possible for me to devote this much time to literally ANY other career choice, I would be so ludicrously wealthy by now.
I would definitely read on. I already feel so sorry for this poor lass. It's 'every girl who suddenly got big boobs at 14' relatable. Agh I have so many thoughts and I have to go do Christmas things! But if you do write more I'd love to read it.
Agreed. Poor girl.
I love the title acting like the first line of the story, really cool. Good job!
I was engaged from the start. This is good
That was genuinely well written and entertaining.
Best writing I've seen on Reddit in ages, to be honest. I usually blank out within a few sentences and mostly finish out of courtesy, but you had me from start to finish. No pretentious techniques, organic and smoothe dialog, and a strong sense of character that elevates the humorous concept by not reducing itself to attempts at gags.
The bathroom scene was a lovely touch, adding an inspired level of empathy, which is hard to achieve in the context of "hot character is hot." Ridiculous concept that you've managed to portray in well grounded fashion. Almost gives a Chuck Palahniuk vibe. If there's more to the story locked away in your head, I encourage you to develop it further.
this is incredible. i wasn’t sure where this was going but the moment when the clerk started tearing up from not blinking immediately paints a picture for how dangerous this ability can truly be. also with the way she acted in the bathroom, i wonder if coming into physical contact with the protagonist would lead to something even more disastrous.
fights with her would be interesting. wonder how the villains would figure out how to counteract her ability, and what other tricks she has up her sleeve
Yeah this is a legitimate start to a book. And I am in for it. Hell of a beginning dude.
This is great, I was completely hooked all the way through.
One bit of weird phrasing that stood out to me: “staring down my collar”. She’s wearing a tank top so it doesn’t have a collar. She’d say “staring down my top” or if she wanted to be euphemistic then it could be something like “examining my collar bones” or “checking out my décolletage”.
Her interaction with the woman in the bathroom seemed much harsher than the one with the clerk. I get that she was trying to touch her, but it also makes it seem like she has a problem with women.
Thanks!
I’m realizing that I’ve got the word “collar” set in my mind as the top of any shirt, regardless of if the shirt actually has a collar. I probably need to reexamine that.
As to the woman, for sure, definitely harsher. I don’t think she has a problem with the woman, it’s more that she has no patience at all for random strangers interrupting her when she is doing something, seriously doesn’t like strangers touching her, and her power will almost certainly have a severe impact on them if she does touch them.
That little interaction will make a lot more sense in a longer work, when we see just how often this sorta thing happens to her. Patience really isn’t a feasible strategy.
Loved it! Very funny... and obviously a Dark power, ha!
Very nice. Some tweaks and I could see this being something of a horror piece. Thanks for sharing!
I enjoyed it. It reminded me of this other novel whose name escapes me. Regardless, this was a good read and got me interested to see more of her.
Ah this was great! Now I yearn for next season of the Boys…
If you are interested of other takes: I have a faint recollection of sort of similar idea in a tv show several years ago. It was maybe King, as it took place in Maine-like city and had weird shit happening. There was people with weird powers, and … police? That tried solving matters. One of the characters had a power that everyone liked him. A lot. Like ”you are my best friend” from the moment they met. It was also kind of tragic as it prevented a genuine connection. I think the show also had one wwf wrestler in it, to help find it. Not rock or cena.
Loved this! Reminded me a teeny bit of the Union Dues series by Jeffrey R DeRego (but with its own unique twist). Would love to read more.
Wait till the SCP foundation gets hold of her lol
Omg are we twins? I made a (very) short story similar to this when I had writer’s block. But the difference is my MC was male, and he wasn’t “handsome” in the typical sense, he was just “very pretty”. At first it was nice getting praised but then it became a struggle that lead to his demise lol.
Well written btw, I enjoyed that! x))
Let’s hope this poor woman ends up better off! I need a happy ending, sweet heaven. My last novel, Dreams Wrapped in Canvas, really left me needing a victory.
That was amazing, the part where she talked to the woman might want to be revisited, but overall 10/10!
Yeah, it seems that part isn’t coming across in the way I’d hoped. I think in a longer work, it would be clear why she reacted that way, as I was working under the assumption that she’s having people feel entitled to her time/attention/touch all the time. Probably multiple people every time she goes ANYWHERE, even after bundling up to try to protect yourself from it and just going to the bathroom. Seems like if that is happening to you for a few months straight, most people are going to develop some harsh boundaries and essentially ignore everything else, as it’s really the only way she could live. I think if I’d added a line or two making her reasoning for lashing out clear it would make a lot more sense. Cost of trying to be minimal in the prose is that sometimes you undershoot it just a bit.
I thought the bathroom scene was perfect. The interview establishes that her “prettiness” causes people to fixate, lose boundaries, and become dangerous. Really loved all of it
Amazing!!
I wasn't expecting to like it ... As I thought the premise a tad superficial.
But hot damn! You done write a good'un.
Definitely I can see a collection of vignettes (the unavoidable sadness of single issue supers)
Go. write it.
Love this! Really manages to catch a feeling of how a power like this would effect daily life:)
This a neat concept with potential.
If you want some inspirational reading, "A Gift from Earth" by Larry Niven introduces a psychic power with some similarities. Also, Alisha's character from "Misfits" has essentially this type of power, which is basically a nuisance bordering on serious liability.
Your character would have stalkers, for example. However, if you don't want to go in that direction, there are other problems: for example, if your character is a white collar worker, there are never, ever invited to any meetings, because in their presence, no work would get done. (And how would straight women feel about her? Would she be uninvited from a girl's night out? Or would it be the opposite, where she's the attractive friend that no guy is willing to talk to, so they talk to her friends instead?)
guaranteed success on charisma checks
This would make a super fun read!
Was smiling the entire way through. If the goal was lighthearted and funny you did that extremely well, and the idea is super intriguing. Love it
Glad I made you smile!