The story is 3 chapters so far.
Some important context:
The story takes place on the planet of Hyperion, which is roughly 10 times the size of Earth and orbits a dual star system of 2 Red Giants.
The story takes place in a WW1/WW2 dieselpunk setting.
The naming convention I used when making the title is based on the old Ace Combat games, for example:(Ace Combat Zero the Belkan War), due to the fact that planes and airships are a massive focus of my setting.
The story primarily focuses on the brutality and Apartheid of the Erubian military towards non-elves, as well as the independence struggle against the Erubians waged by the non-elves.
The Main protagonist is Emily Thorne, The exiled princess of the Erubians, who was overthrown due to the fact her sister thought it was outrageous that she had given full rights and equal protections to non-elves under Erubian law.
If the 3rd chapter feels unfinished that is because it is, still nonetheless I would appreciate some critique on it.
Hey OP, congrats on getting so much writing done :)
It seems clear that world building is a strong suit of yours. You have a clear idea on what this setting looks like, but I think you're having trouble conveying it to the reader in a way that is digestible. A lot of your sentences are either overly descriptive and run-on, or robotic and lacking some tone.
In addition, I think you're writing from a perspective of someone who knows this world, and not for the reader who's coming in without any idea where we are, who these people are, and what it's all about. I didn't read your author's notes because the reader wouldn't have that to rely on. It's a lot easier to throw a reader into the middle of a scene if it's something that they can relate to, but in a world like you've made it's pretty disorienting. It feels like you're dumping knowledge rather than introducing it. We learn about the royal elven air rangers, turfran boots, burster rifles, glowing visors, respirators, all in the first paragraph or so. Don't be afraid to drip feed this info to allow the reader time to get adjusted to your world.
Also, you're using a lot of abstract language to describe the scenes, but they don't really help form a picture. I have no idea what a slick, restless, raspy voice sounds like, nor a soft authoritative amused voice sounds like. Try to show things like authority by word choice or demeaner, and less by just saying it. Be considerate about how often you're doing "The x, the, y, the z." Within the first half a page you have: the island, the foggy sea, the waves, the wind, the old mountain, the hallway, the older female, the air, the royal elven rangers, the princess, etc. etc.
Finally, you'll need to do some editing on your format. Conversations are hard to follow, and are sometimes missing dialogue tags, or have too many. Also, you go in and out of tense pretty often, be careful of that.
"Their choices certainly baffle the elven mind, your Majesty." "Now come along Emily.."
"Nothing Much" Jaydn replied, "just got back(...)" she stated. (Two dialogue tags for one person.
From what I can tell, this is being said by the same person, so why are you splitting it into two quotes?.
Best of luck going forward in your writing, trust me I know what it's like to want to world build like this, it's exciting and rewarding. Just make sure you give the reader time to adjust and learn the space you've created for them.
Thank you very much. I appreciate the critique. I agree with what you said about it being overly descriptive at the beginning, I actually feel like most of the problems you listed are actually at their the worst at the beginning of the story, due to the fact that I was trying to make it sound more grandiose. Whereas in later chapters I dropped that act. I honestly feel like if I touched up the first chapters dialogue and overly descriptive elements to be more in line with the later chapters that it would make it easier for new readers to understand. The introduction of the Estroflyths being a good example of how I could better introduce readers to the setting at the beginning of the story. Once again, Thank you for your critique, Sincerely. Gabe
Of course! I'm writing a novel now myself, its funny how much better the later chapters are than the first couple. If you wanna get back at me, i'd welcome a read on my first ~8 chapters or so :p
you strike me as someone who has spent a long time making a very cool setting which you are proud of and are desperate to show it to us. unfortunately the writing as it stands needs a lot of work. im actually unable to follow or enjoy the narrative at all. it would take a long time to line edit, so i will just offer a few next steps and tips. first, halve the amount of new concepts and worldbuilding in the first chapter. try to introduce them more slowly. second, read a bunch of books and learn how pages of writing, especially dialog, are formatted. third, change all of your dialog tags to “said” instead of exclaimed or added. after doing all this resubmit your work and hopefully people will actually be able to engage with the story itself. hope that helps.