I was a Catholic until a couple of years ago when my mother died which changed something fundamental in me and I started to feel very separated from religion. Now I see the lack of sense it all makes and feel happy in my choice to move on from Christianity. My husband is really supportive in this and has helped me talk things through a lot.
My family have been Catholic for generations. My sister is very religious and has worked for the church, my father also. With it being Christmas, my family are trying to force me to attend church tonight. By forcing, I mean guilt tripping and telling me they are ‘upset’ and ‘disappointed’ despite the fact I never attend anymore. I find it utterly hypocritical to only attend at Christmas anyway, but especially now I consider it to be quite a toxic environment.
I would welcome any help on how to deal with this. My only thought is to be very clear on it, which I have been, and hope they get over it?
Their upset and disappointment is not your responsibility. Other people's feelings are not your responsibility. They own their feelings.
They aren't saying why attending church would benefit you, and if they were giving reasons you likely wouldn't agree.
They are saying that you aren't meeting their expectations, which is a them problem.
"Your feelings about my religious choices are yours to manage" is a full answer.
That’s a really good phrase to use, thank you. I needed to read this I think.
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with that.
I can relate, and while the family might think they’re doing something good they’re only cementing the fact that they’re not actually listening to what you need or want. Ultimately, they’re trying to make it about them and what they think your life should be.
I think that your inclination to be clear, and even blunt, is correct. It may have to happen more often than it should, but ultimately you should feel empowered to stand your ground.
Thank you. I’ve tried to do this today and what I’ve been greeted with is ‘but you’re upsetting Dad because…’ and disappointed faces being pulled at me. Blunt has got to be the way to go I think. Really appreciate your comment.
If you are not living with them and are financially independent, you can go low contact with them in December, and go on a vacation over Christmas, if you can afford it. You could go skiing or you could go lie on a beach in Tahiti (or wherever suits you). Not being around them makes it easier to ignore them.
Or, you can just stop answering your phone when they are calling you in December, and be slow to respond (wait a couple of days to respond), and respond only via text messages.
I wish I felt like this was an option! Unfortunately we live a few minutes away from them and my sister makes it very clear I’ll ’ruin her Christmas’ (direct quote) if my husband and I dared to go away on vacation or do our own thing. I know I should be a bit stronger but we’ve gone through so much grief as a family I feel like rocking the boat even more is going to just lead to problems… the religion stuff has been bad enough. It’s really difficult because whatever happens it is leading to resentment, either on my side or hers.
I don't understand that. If I was a Christian I would almost find it disrespectful for people who really don't believe to be in church
As would I, I don’t really get their reaction. It’s made everything much harder. They’ve never asked why I’ve lost my faith or shown any interest in that either. It’s really sad.
Same tbh. What helped me personally (it was only my one parent who is religious and cares if I go to church) is to just… not go. Like im an adult and she can’t physically drag me.
Last time she was guilting me about it and going on about “idk how I failed [about you not being religoous] maybe if we said grace more etc” I was like “yo. You calling me and trying to guilt me into doing stuff I don’t want to do isn’t activly making me want to go more and is part of the reason I try to avoid going. Calm tf down.” And that seemed to resonate with her because she stops harassing me and now I don’t make a big stink if I have to go for logistical reasons during travel. It’s much less tense now.
I know that won’t work for everyone though.
So I didn’t go tonight and now I’m at my Dad’s and he isn’t speaking to me. Thank you to those of you who have said that their feelings are their problem not mine - it’s really helping. It’s sad, but I’ll give them time to process and go from there. Thank you all.
i try to make declarative statements of my decisions, share my boundaries, and say the consequences of crossing them. i would say something like. i understand that you would like me to come to mass; however, my husband and i have chosen not to attend with you. i hope you can respect our religious choices, and we do yours. we want to have an enjoyable time at home with the family over the holidays and [insert any nice thing about visiting them]. while we would like to spend time together as a family over the christmas holiday, we do not want you to be upset at us or for us to feel guilty for our religious decisions. if our religious choices are not respected, it may be best for us to not visit over the christmas holiday. again, we really enjoy spending time together as a family, and i hope you can respect our choices as a couple.
Tell them how you feel about church ans Christianity and don't go. Or, don't tell them how you feel and still don't go.
Don't do something you don't want to do it it involves religion.