2 points dealing with marriage and different politics.
My husband and I are celebrating our 20 year anniversary next week. I got married at 18 because that’s what a pastor’s kid does. You can’t have sex outside of marriage and you can’t live with a partner and not be married. So I got married at 18, kids at 23 and 25.
Things haven’t been easy. Purity culture did a huge number on me that I’m only recently healing from and probably won’t ever fully recover from.
Backstory on me: “saved” at 6 years old at a Harvest Crusade. Heavily involved in the Southern California evangelical mega church movement. But I always felt “liberal”. I always had too many questions. I would categorize my style of Christianity from teenaged years on as “progressive”. Love your neighbor, that sort of thing. But the walls started crumbling about 15 years ago. Biblical inerrancy, old world creation, denominational infighting. It all created cracks.
All of it built up until November 2020 when I decided I’d never step foot in a church again and deconstructed completely over the next few years. I didn’t discuss this with my husband. I probably should have. But it was Covid and I got a job that I worked on Sundays and it was easy to just fall out of it without much fuss. I always thought he was going along with it to please me anyway.
Fast forward to today. We have LGBTQ friends, friends of color, friends in marginalized communities, his brother is trans and he’s stood up for him in the past, our oldest child is trans. I thought we were on the same page although he’s less vocal and passionate about it than I am. He’s recently turned into a “Why vote? They all suck” apathetic type person.
Today I found out Rob Reiner produced a documentary starring Phil Vischer (Bob the Tomato from Veggie Tales) called God and Country. I shared it to our family chat because my husband loved Reiner and Spinal Tap and I thought it was interesting. When we were trying to pick a movie tonight I mentioned that as an option. He scoffs “No! I’m not interested!” Ok. That’s fine.
Then when we’re going to bed he says “your whole Christian bashing thing is gross. You’re so woke. You’re obsessed with politics and it’s just sad. You were a Christian 20 years ago and that’s how you trapped me into marrying you. And I still consider myself a Christian and you’re just sad” That’s word for word. I’m not embellishing.
I sat in silence for a bit and then tried to push on how I “trapped” him and also what is “woke”? Is it empathy for other human beings? Because how is that wrong? Being up to date on politics is important considering the world around us. I also tried to kind of explain my reasons for deconstructing because we never discussed it. It was a lot of things, but I was taught that the Bible was 1,000% true and when I found out there’s little to no historical evidence that hebrews were enslaved in Egypt like the Bible describes, everything came tumbling down because if it’s all supposed to be true and one thing isn’t, it could all be false.
He didn’t answer any of questions especially not how I “trapped” him and said “This is what I get for trying to talk to you. I’m gonna roll over and watch this NASA documentary” and went to sleep.
And now I’m wide awake thinking wtf?!
I’m guessing the “trapped” thing is that he wanted to have sex with me but because as a Christian, I wouldn’t have premarital sex, that’s why he married me. He’s also mentioned me “trapping him” and “lying to him” when it comes to our mix matched libido. He says I lied to him when we got married. Dude. I was an 18 year old virgin. I had no idea what my libido was or what it would be at almost 40.
Sorry that was really long and there isn’t much of a point to it. I just need to get it out.
His willingness to talk through this will be very telling on your ability to be on the same page as him in the future.
Blaming you for feeling trapped, aka disappointed with how his life has turned out, is not productive or accurate.
This may have shown itself as a problem about religion, but the truth is he is holding some major resentment towards you that will continue to be a poison if not dealt with.
I agree. We went to couples therapy for a year but it was so focused on our sex life, it never got to actual relationship issues beyond that. We need therapy that isn’t focused on fixing my “broken” low libido
Couples therapist here. Other people have already said this, more succinctly than I'm about to, but I want to agree with the idea that your "low libido" is more to do with him than you.
I can't comment on your medical situation, and want to add a quick disclaimer here that there's always a possibility that there's a medical basis for your low libido... but look at the situation you're in.
I've worked with wives who have been trying to labour on in the bedroom, only to find that they're so disinterested that they can't muster any enthusiasm. Each has had something similar in common: temperamental, overly demanding, or helpless partners. So, I want to ask: how do you feel in general when you look at him? Like he's the best thing you've seen all day and you can't wait to hang out with him? Or is it possible you feel a sense of dread, or a weight in your stomach, or something along those lines? If it's the latter, then is it any wonder you don't want to hop into bed with him?
Do you have low libido, or is he just terrible in bed?
Or terrible as a husband in general?
Do you have a “broken” libido, or is your husband just an asshole?
Yes I remember having my “low libido” as well. I thought I just didn’t know how to have sex and I spent the last couple years of our relationship turning over and silently crying after every time we had sex.
“Sex isn’t something we should need to talk about, it’s just something that should happen.” Or “your body isn’t the same as what it was before” and “this is considered foreplay, you are the one who is doing it incorrectly” - anything along these lines that has been implied or said to you in your relationship will be a direct cause of low libido. (Those are all direct quotes from my ex if you didn’t catch that)
If he only wants to lay out his issues and how you have caused them, this is NOT wanting to fix your relationship.
If he genuinely wants to improve your marriage, it will be OBVIOUS! It will not be confusing or hurtful or mental gymnastics to feel seen. But you get mentally sicker and sicker in trying to please someone who is truly not going to do the same self reflection.
IMO your "low libido" is your brain telling you that he's the wrong person for you.
Yea, sex should not even be happening till you two get actual therapy and let the therapist know that you went before and exactly why. Don't hold back any details, have them reach out to the other therapist if you pick a different one.
Does he even care about your pleasure when you do have sex? You might benefit listening to the podcast "Sexvangelicals" if you haven't already heard it.
Yeah, it sounds like this guy has a sociopathic disorder. Low libido is a symptom of a problem, not something that can be treated directly.
Sounds about right. He might have felt trapped but if you're both in understanding you should be able to work together to make the best of it outside of the restrictions of the religion. Or not, and agree on that.
ngl it kind of sounds like he doesnt actually want to talk. do you know if hes been getting into any new youtubers recently? bc this reads a lot as "nonpolitical" content being used to smuggle bigotry and reactionary thinking.
Not that I know of. He’s always been a Joe Rogan follower. And all the Austin “comedians”. Tom segura, kill tony, that whole crowd. He was downright offended when I didn’t feel like watching the new Chappell special. He said “that’s right. You’re too woke for that”
Oh! Yeah, your husband isn’t apolitical, he’s a neoconservative. That explains a lot.
Honestly I haven’t met too many people who unironically use the word woke that you can carry on a decent conversation with, and I am not even a liberal.
Not sure I'd call him a neo-con since that heavily implies support for foreign intervention which is one of the few things Rogan is consistently opposed to.
But ya everything else you said is spot on. This guy is in deep
He’s in deep and because of that, he isn’t in deep 😉
gross, maybe hes always been like this then. the halfhearted support for yalls trans kid is pretty rough too. i hope he sees the light, it may be worth talking about if you both have the time.
if youre both up for it, my rec is to come with sources and facts but lead off with anecdotes etc, since a lot of the time people respond better to those. a good one is the study about how jokes affect peoples perception of minority groups: https://theconversation.com/psychology-behind-the-unfunny-consequences-of-jokes-that-denigrate-63855
also you may have some luck getting him to watch "the darkness" by contrapoints
Yeah that's not non-political. Maybe it's not traditional old school republicanism (especially because you're in California), but it's absolutely neo-conservatism.
Idk man, I'm just some internet voice from some dude in Canada who's been married for over 10 years, but if my wife was telling me that I "trapped her" into marriage I would have a big problem with that. Especially if this was something she said often, and especially if she used that phrase to describe things both in and outside of the bedroom.
That's resentment, and resentment shouldn't be a part of a healthy marriage.
You've got kids, which is different than me, so I won't tell you what actions to take, but I'm just saying I think you're right to feel the way you are feeling based on what you've described. You're not crazy.
In that case, every time he calls me woke, I'd be asking him what exactly "woke" means.
I dunno, you both have a trans child. He is “super woke” for loving and accepting his child. I mean assuming he does. does he?
He does to an extent. He uses our teen’s chosen name and either talks around pronouns or misgenders. With his trans brother it was a flip of a switch. “Thats J***** he/him and I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise”. With our kid it’s different. It’s like a half way acceptance
Sounds like the kind of guy who is okay with LGBTQ+ until its his own family, meaning the family he created. Ngl I feel like his resentment towards you is too high to fix, I wouldn't even put it past him to somehow find a way to "blame" you for the fact your kid is trans
That thought has crossed my mind. That he thinks my “wokeness” caused this.
Who came out being trans first, the brother or your child?
Yikes, that's sounds very similar to my ex. Bug hugs, If he's not willing to meet you and work with you, it sounds like there are difficult choices in the future.
I've been there, and you are welcome to PM me—there are a lot of similarities, except I got married as a virgin at 26 instead of 18.
Halfway acceptance is so heartbreaking. “I still love you” while kind of halfway ignoring us is almost worse than outright rejection (almost). When they “still love us” but act like big parts of us are invisible or untrue, we tend to stay and try to convince ourselves that this person accepts us (or will soon).
It prolongs the heartbreak, and causes us to stay and caretake someone who is choosing not to understand us. Incredibly painful. I’m so sorry that you and your family are going through this.
As a trans person, I know for me, at least, having people talk around my pronouns is as bad a feeling as being misgendered, and really, really hurts. It feels like misgendering without saying it out loud, but you know that at minimum, they still misgender you in their head. And he’s doing both to your teen. Maybe it’s different for your kid. But I’m no longer in any contact with the relatives who did that. It just hurt too much. So hearing that makes me sad and concerned for your teen.
In my case, it was because I’m nonbinary and those relatives refused to use they/them pronouns, even though they said they’d be fine with swapping to he/him pronouns instead of the she/her I grew up with. Also transmisogyny and being more hostile to trans girls/women or trans femme/amab nonbinary people could be a factor if that applies. No need to say whether either/both could be a factor for your kid, but I’m mentioning it just in case it’s helpful information for you and trying to make sense of things, given your husband’s comparative support for his brother who uses he/him pronouns.
And of course like others have said, sometimes people are harshest with their closest relatives or it’s just senseless, which also sucks.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds deeply painful to navigate. Sending kind thoughts your way.
Wow sounds kinda like my family. My mom uses my name but just avoids pronounce and my brother, well I can’t even talk to him anymore.
He's still xtian. It's not going to work. I'm sorry. But they believe in not being "unequally yoked" and he will always put god above you. That's just how xtians are.
Also, being "obsessed with politics" is being obsessed with life itself. Politics is life, it's everything. Anyone who doesn't understanding that is showing their privilege. Only straight, white, xtian males can be so cavalier as to not care because they are the only protected class. The rest of us need to be obsessed with politics in order to survive. The protected class stomps on everyone else. Politics give us equality. Don't let any man shame you for caring about "politics".
I don’t know that he ever was a Christian. At least he was never in it like I was. It was my everything. His parents bounced around at churches and he had fun at youth group. My worry is if he’s becoming a Christian on his own now it’s of the nationalist variety
I was referring to this part of your post
My condolences if he's becoming a nationalist. Ugh.
If he listens to Rogan et al, many of that crowd have a newfound but shallow belief in Christianity. A bunch of them, like Russell Brand, are newly "Christian" right around the same time their massive history of sexual harassment comes out.
I think many men desire a Christian woman even if they aren’t actually Christian themselves because of the expectations placed on women in the church. They know they will benefit from a woman seeing and policing herself via the church and not as an individual. Scares the shit out of them when they lose that
So many ppl already gave such wonderful advice, im just putting my 2 cents in about the whole both sides being bad and being non political. As someone who believes both sides are on the same team (im a Marxist communist) he sounds like he is using that as an excuse to do nothing & have no opinion. Does he actually believe that? Not everyone that shares this idea is an apathetic person.
The worst part is that the most privileged within the working class still are being held down by a system that puts profit over ppl. But the whole apolitical view shows more than just privilege, it shows an extremely self centered person. It shows apathy to such an extreme level that he probably has never put himself in someone else's shoes beyond ppl that look like him. Op is it even worth staying with someone that doesn't care about human rights?
"I’m guessing the “trapped” thing is that he wanted to have sex with me but because as a Christian, I wouldn’t have premarital sex, that’s why he married me."
That's exactly what it sounds like.
"You trapped me" is crazy if he's claiming to be christian and have always been christian. He would've been "trapped" by any woman he wanted to have sex with because HE wasn't allowed to have sex out of wedlock. That's not his wife's fault even by his own rules.
That's a big part of the problem though, isn't it? Christian men are given all the power. sold the idea that they're powerless anyway, and rail against the people whose realities cause any sort of friction, as if it's their fault. OP was under just as much pressure to marry, and marry young, but I don't suppose he cares about that. All he sees is his own victimhood.
Definitely. OP is also being hurt by being in a relationship where their sexual desires don't match which was caused by christian rules, but the husband is empowered to just blame OP by the way that christian men are taught to blame women for the rules of their own religion. It's so telling that he's just upset at what he's not getting without realizing that that also means OP is not getting what she wants.
But like she was trapped for the same reason, more so as a daughter of a preacher. Why does he blame her for what his religion did to him?
Correct. She was trapped by her father, which caused her to be trapped by her husband.
He blames her because he's a typical Christian who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions.
I want to give you a big, fat hug right now. I know exactly what you're going through.
Im in my late 30s and also grew up in the southern California conservative christian circle. I married young, had our son young, and while we had a happy marriage and I was always the "liberal" one. I lost my faith during covid, too, for multiple reasons. When I came out to my husband, I knew he would be upset, but he threatened divorce on me. He iced me out for half of a year and wouldn't talk to me about anything. I'd beg him to just please tell me what's on his mind, and he wouldn't talk. It was like he had a stone in his throat every time I wanted to work on things. Eventually, I sat him down and said, "I know it's hard to talk about because it's hard to think your wife is going to hell..." he stopped me right there and said, "No, it's not that. I just wanted a christian wife."
Ma'am, to abrahamic men, women are just commodities. We are an extension of them, just like their children. We are a status symbol, and as soon as we lose our luster or our use, they'll start looking for something else. It shocked me because previous to this, he had been the most loving husband, but I realized it's because I played my role. Now that I wasn't playing the game the way he wanted, I was of no use.
One morning, I dont know if it was the six months of little sleep, the pain, and the constant anxiety made my brain go into recovery mode, but something inside me snapped. I realized that despite my pleas, my reassurance that our family was always first, that I wouldn't stop him or our son from going to church, would never be enough for him. He wanted the perfect christian wife, and I'd never be that.
Leaving was the best decision I ever made. It has been almost four years since that happened, and I've never been happier with my personal life. I get to make decisions for myself, and I get to show love to wonderful communities my church deemed sinful. My son gets to grow up in such a colorful world full of diverse thoughts and ideas, and can explore his love for scientific discovery at my place he wouldn't have had if my ex and I were still together.
If your husband feels trapped, why not let him have some freedom? You may not be at that point, but please keep in mind that you can walk away from this budding christian nationalist any time and still have a fulfilling life.
Just wanted to slip in here and say, this was beautiful to read.
🫂🫶
So sad and hope things work out. Classical sociopath or narcissist. Once he found out he couldn’t control you… if you go.
"He’s recently turned into a “Why vote? They all suck” apathetic type person."
Aww, fuck. I'm sorry.
And for the record, Kamala Harris would have been a great President and I think she still will be.
I'm certain Kamala would have been a good president. I'm absolutely certain that Bernie Sanders would have been one of the best things to happen to the USA if he'd been president.
Let's face it though, last week's roadkill would be a better president than the 3 ring shitshow going on right now.
Just the 5 cents worth from an Australian living in New Zealand.
This is the age of questioning everything. The midlife crisis is no joke. I don’t like how he’s speaking to you though. I need to think about this some more and read other comments. The big questions I do have for you are: Are you happy with him? Have you ever thought twice about choosing to marry so young? What do you want for yourself?
I don’t think anyone should get married at 18. I know I was too young and immature to make such a big life decision.
I spent a lot of time trying to get these stupid emojis to line up, and probably failed. But girl, you and your boo need to get to
🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩 T h e r a p y 🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩
We went to couples therapy but it was focused on fixing my “broken” low libido. A year into it we weren’t having as many issues (aka we were having more sex like he wanted) and our therapist said she’d reach out to schedule our next appointment and never spoke to us again.
That’s not an excuse as why we shouldn’t go. We definitely should. But I don’t think I want to go back to her after ghosting us.
Did she ghost you, or did your husband answer the phone and tell her y’all’re good (since he’d already got what he wanted out of it)?
She was supposed to email me to set up the next appointment and never did. She emailed 6 months later to check in and I didn’t have the strength to tell her after all the money, time, and effort of over a year of therapy it only took a few months for things to go back to what they were. Which also put in my mind that any changes he does make aren’t genuine. He’s telling me what I want to hear to get what he wants.
u/7Mars might be onto something, but as a couples therapist, I really feel that this demonstrates that you'd benefit from a different therapist.
Any couples therapist worth their salt knows that couples will come in, often, one half of the couple is more enthusiastic about sorting things out than the other. The stereotype of the eager wife and sulky husband with folded arms is very real (though that's often not what the mismatch in enthusiasm looks like). I'm guessing when you two went, your husband complained that there wasn't enough sex and you may have been withdrawn, or keen to do what was ostensibly your 'duty' as a wife, or something like that. Your therapist should absolutely have been alert to the idea that pushing you to have more sex would only shift the problem elsewhere - and now you've been carrying the burden for a while, which is unsustainable. You can no more keep on having sex with someone you don't feel excited to do it with, than you can push water uphill with a fork. At some point, you'll want to throw in the towel. Anyone would.
Any couples therapist worth their salt should also be sure to communicate with both halves of the couple over most issues pertaining to the therapy, including ending. If, as 7Mars suggested, the therapist did call, got your husband on the line, and accepted his assertion that you two were done with counselling without checking with you that you agreed, was not doing their due diligence. It's not something where you just take one half of the couples' word for it.
I'd say, if you are interested in couples counselling again, please do find a different one.
I know someone who struggled with a "broken libido" in her marriage. After she eventually divorced her husband, she had sex with someone else and broke down afterwards crying (good tears), "It wasn't me! I'm not broken! It wasn't me!"
There could be many things at play here, but one possibility is that your body just does not respond to your husband in that way. Sometimes our bodies know what is going on better than our brains do.
I appreciate your emoji-effort, lol. That’s something I’d do
"You sound like you don't want to talk or get counceling, so allow me to serve you divorce papers and free you."
Reality might hit him sooner or later and he'll likely try to love bomb to turn things back.
You can try a few more times to talk to him, but you can't make him so I'd just get finances together and a lawyer
Reading your post I could have written it myself. Raised in Pentecostal charismatic churches, married my first kiss, went from leading worship in English and Spanish, planting churches, and running marketing in churches to covid where i conveniently had school and homework while i deconstructed and stopped going to church.
I also did not talk to him about my deconstruction, because throughout it, I’d make comments about creation, or questions I had, and was abruptly shut down by him. “You better be careful how you talk about creation, you’re riding a thin line”.
Jan 2 2021, I woke up and told him I was leaving him. I was done. He threw the biggest tantrum of his life, thrashing, throwing himself around, pounding and kicking the bed - it was a full blown tantrum.
From there, he told everyone I knew I was possessed, he was unsafe in the house, I was tormenting him mentally and spiritually and he couldn’t find a moment of peace “around me”.
He lost the divorce because he refused to sign anything, he wrote me letters telling me how horrible of a human I was, trying to control my spending, choices and trying to shame me for practicing black magic ( guess what it was? I had a crystal on my desk my woo woo friend sent me. That’s it. )
He then started to make fake accounts on my social profiles and tried to log into my shit to prove I was somehow cheating on him. He was so dumb that he created a Snapchat with a fake name, but because he was a contact in my phone “Zach” shows up instead of “Dan Scheiden 2021”
This man did everything he could, in his power, torment and hurt me to try to prove that I was the horrible, evil, demonic woman he told everyone I was. He said I had affairs, etc. I hadn’t. I had friends in other states, which wasn’t any different than before in our relationship.
Well, we had no kids, he had no credit and I had everything in my name. I left and was put in 90 days. It could not have come quicker.
Welp, 2 weeks after our divorce, his family took me out to dinner and showed me his Grindr profile their son found while on the app. It finally all made sense.
What I will say, is that what you’re dealing with, you should 100% remain strong in the support and love you offer your child. Your husband sees what mine did, and doesn’t like that you’re not on a headspace that allows you to be “led” (in christianese). My ex loved that I looked to him for beliefs and religious, philosophical conversations because he knew I knew nothing. And he knew his point of view would become mine. When we realized that wasn’t the case anymore and I started thinking for myself and finding things I believed differently, he had a problem with it.
Stay strong.
People grow apart and find ways to work things out. I don't think he's right to say he's trapped. I mean, he had two kids with you and stayed for 20 years. You didn't hunt him down. At 18 I think he could have figured out how babies happen. He probably resents that things are changing and he has to examine the inside of his own head and plan his own future. I'm pretty sure he's afraid that you will stand up to shenanigans and he won't have a moral leg to stand on so he's making his own insecurity your problem.
Unfortunately, your husband has become red-pilled by the white nationalist, sexist, neoconservative, alt-right media he consumes. Many people fall down this pipeline, it’s a cult and as long as he is actively consuming Joe Rogan and “anti-wokeness” propaganda, he will continue to shit on you, your marriage, your libido, and your experiences deconstructing your religion.
I know Reddit always jumps to divorce, but girl, you deserve so much more than a bigoted man. When women have libidos and everything checks out physically, it means their fundamental emotional needs aren’t getting met in some way. Life is too short to be with someone who holds resentment for you wanting to be the truest expression of yourself. I hope you choose yourself.
Many times, women evolve and men want to stay the same. It doesn’t sound like he’s capable of processing the deep changes you’ve been through and it’s just easier to insult you and say you’re the problem. Immature and petty communication skills. I would only try to have real convos in therapy and if he won’t, that shows he’s already checked out of the marriage anyway. Could also be you were never compatible, and just going with the program instead of choosing your path.
Honestly, it reminds me too much of my own situation. My spouse doesn't want me bringing up stuff that would make them question the bible, consider that YEC could be false, and where we live, there's not many people we know that challenge my spouse's views.
I (M) was the deconverted spouse. My now ex wife just could not handle it. The first couple of years were tolerable but clearly the resentment was building (looking back, I didn't see it at the time).
But eventually it exploded. I 'couldn't have morals' and so on. She started on a path of becoming more fundamentalist, left the mainline church we had attended together for a smaller one, etc.
In the end religion was not the only issue we had but we did separate and are almost divorced now. To her belief was so central to her identity, and she viewed me so poorly for leaving belief, that contempt and lack of trust developed. We went to therapy (so much of it!) but it did not work. She just took my lack of belief as an attack on her.
Being aligned on core beliefs is, I think, central to a healthy relationship. You don't have to be the same, but kind of pointing in the same direction. Or you need great communication and an open attitude to make it work. Whether it is religion, sex, politics, money.
Seth Andrews has a video "Letter to a Christian Spouse" that for me was spot on.
Good luck
leave fr
Starting an argument he refuses to finish right before sleep is him “trying to talk to you”?
I think part of this statement might be true, but much of it is false. You two probably were "trapped" into marriage. But it wasn't you who did the trapping; it was the religion. He is assigning blame to you when he should be blaming Christianity itself. It trapped both of you.
Out of curiousity, how old was he when you married?
Alright. I am saying this with as much gentleness and care as I can muster in my head.
Anyone who thinks they are trapped with you, doesn't love you. Let alone the fact that you questioning his abusive words made him pull a full blown DARVO.
And you and your children deserve love, and someone genuinely committed to building a life together.
He sounds bitter.
LOL. Dude let his dick lead him into things. He didn't have to marry you. He could have went out and found someone else without the same values that you had at the time to get his dick wet.
Was he Christian as well at the time? If not, then he just played himself. Men blaming women for the choices they regret later on in life combo strikes again.
Had I married the boy everyone wanted me to marry when I was 22 (or 26 or 28) I honestly think I'd be in the same position as you. We weren't ever dating, but we were BEST friends, joined at the hip. I deconstructed when I was around 32ish and I am now intensely liberal and pagan polytheist. People can and do change, and that's okay. What's not okay is for him to drop this on you in 2 sentences before bed, roll over, and not have an actual conversation about it.
You deserve a partner who will respect you. Call his bluff and say “fine, want to be untapped? You can leave and I’ll call an attorney.”
That is a very hard situation.
I'm in a similar one with my wife of 20 years, but we're working it out.
If your husband needs someone to talk to, tell him to DM me.
I get that this is a hard journey, and it's especially hard to face it on different terms with the person who you expected to face it on the same terms.
It sucks.
Your husbands world has become very different. This has left him living in a world he doesn't understand and no longer fits him. You came to a realization that what you were taught isn't the truth. You were open to it, and to some extent, you wanted to know.
He may still believe and want to experience a life of religious bliss. If he does Christian things, then God will bless him with the bounty of a Christian life. He will have a submissive wife who wants him every hour of the day. He will have obedient children who will grow up in the same mold as himself. The two of you will retain our values and standards of God first, and He will bless us.
Instead, he has a wife who doesn't want him. She alone has turned my life into something he never asked for. She has turned her back on God and is turning her back on him. His family is not blessed. Every conservative belief has either been challenged or has been corrupted because of a liberal, anti-religious, and woke belief. He may feel impotent as a man who is supposed to lead his family. Everywhere he looks, he is the odd man out.
You have grown or changed. The world is growing and changing. He has not changed in the same ways. The paths you two are on are diverging and have been for a while. Each step puts more pressure on his own beliefs, his own lifestyle, and his idea of what he wanted his family and his life to be like.
I hope you can find common ground to rebuild something stronger than what you have. This is what many people call growing apart. Part of that is the fact that many people don't want the same things at 45 as they did at 18. That sounds like you. Others want the same things at 45 that they had at 18. That may be him. How we see the world is an important part of who we are and how we relate to other people in our lives. I wish you the very best as you move forward.
I truly feel for your dilemma. People never stop growing and sometimes people grow apart.
Regarding your "Wokeness", here is a quote from our new Pope...
"To be called “woke”
in a world that sleeps through suffering
is no insult;
it is the Gospel.
…
“Woke” means
awakened by Compassion,
guided by Truth,
humbled by Grace,
and committed to Justice;
not just for some,
but for all."
[~]()Pope Leo XIV
My best to you...
He’s an adult, this is an issue he needs to deal with as an adult and not come at you with it right as you’re going to sleep. He sounds like he’s struggling and trying to find footing. He might need some therapy, or even couples therapy to work through it. You sound like a good person and have set up a good life, I think if he understands the root of his problems things will be ok.
You should go to therapy for you. Not for you as a couple. Single person therapy with someone who is informed on religious trauma. Reddit is cool and all, but I think you'll get better and more personalized advice from someone with credentials.. You should ask him what he thinks woke means? Try to keep it conversational and don't argue, but ask the question.
That sounds like shithead MRA / MGTOW / PUA talk. Let's put christianity aside for a moment and just talk about marriage as a legal contract (which is what it is). You don't have to be christian to set boundaries and demand commitment from a man. Getting married early has benefits. You can be a good dependable partner without being a christian. And you can be garbage and (say you're) a christian.
Ex: A friend of a friend of mine got dumped by her BF after 5 years of living together and helping him through nursing school. He used her as a stool to step up and reach the kind of woman he actually wanted. She gets nothing. Sure would be convenient to be able to get alimony for all her lost emotional and physical labor right about now, but that louse probably wouldn't have agreed to that.
Bring up the marriage thing to your husband in that context. Is this really about god or Is he disappointed that he didn't get to exploit you? Is he mad that you have actual rights in a divorce legally?
That sounds difficult for you. His beliefs are his and your beliefs are yours. It sounds like you are both drifting apart, and it is okay to consider if you wish to continue a relationship.
20 years is a little to long to just throw it away completely but its rough. Maybe talk with him deeper about what he ment and have yalls son and his brother discuss with him. Low-key intervention either all at once or gradually (depending on what u can handle) and judge it from there.
I only say this because he's still claiming to be christan, which Maybe his problem with everything to start with. You left and took some years to ask questions, having a different opinion then what you were told and deconstructing yourself and beliefs. He hasn't really had that same time or experience.
I think his words are kind of red flag like "trapped" but if You/Yalls relationship was enough to "trap" him he didnt get trapped, he just got indoctrinated. Same as you, no one forced him to be that religion or go at all. He did it cause he wanted to stay and having to adjust your own life/lifestyle (sometimes major ways) in order to have a decent relationship is exactly what a partner or marrige is about.
The sex drive comment is kinda crazy on his part. U didnt know then and couldn't know now. Alot of things happen in 23 years and if he wants to dip cause of that im not sure thats very "Christan"
sounds like he got married for the wrong reason and trapped himself. im so sorry he feels this way towards you, i think you and your friends and family sound cool. also feeling the need to be "saved" at six and spend your whole life that way is wild. 18 is young, people grow and change. it sounds like he is projecting on you by calling you sad. you seem well discovered in your spiritual journey to me. you deserve someone who appreciates everything about who you are
I really don't want to think it, but despite it being such a long and committed relationship, you may be different people now. In other comments you spoke about having gone to therapy before and it essentially covering your sex life...Which feels telling in and of itself on where priorities lie. It would make my skin crawl and leave my body if I were to be called 'woke' and said to have 'trapped' someone. You were both in the same boat when you married. I may say that it might have been a tad wiser to discuss how you felt in the process, but that kind of tell the level of communication you two have as well? Married at 18, you were still kids. Even worse, horned up ones ready to tie the knot. If anything, maybe you were "trapped"? Marriage vows don't mean you have to agree on everything, but not to put you down for being a caring person either. You have POC friends, Trans family and marginalized people around you, caring about them isn't hard, so why not more people like them that he doesn't know? There's of course so much more to it that I haven't/wouldn't be able to consider or touch on...just that is very concerning, I'm sorry that happened to you. Perhaps a little cooling off and a different approach...and more therapy may be of benefit. Wish you the best!
Tell him you want couples counseling and that the people he has been talking to at church instead of his wife about his feelings should like a good husband should. (Kids above all else, then spouse) And that as a good Christian man he has failed to honor his wife. But it can be fixed with therapy. But since you feel there is evil or the devil slipping into people at the church who are giving him bad advice that is leading him astray from his duties as a husband that it needs to be a professional who is unbiased.
You can phase things in Religious mindset without believing in it yourself, phrase it as if he believes this then he also must believe he failed his husband duties of supporting his wife emotionally as well as financially if he really thinks you trapped him. Reminder him he probably wanted to have sex and that's why he asked you to marry him. (Assuming he asked)
Also if he says no, get full custody of the kids and documents the crap out of it because he is also gaslighting you which is a form of abuse. Saying you trapped him is textbook gaslighting.
Sadly, your husband likely suffers the same affliction of many men: emotional illiteracy and compulsive repression. I don't know the guy, so this is just speculation. If he's anything like the folks I know, he's not able to talk about it because he doesn't know what he meant. He might not really believe in church, he might be really struggling with feelings he can't process like regret, and he might be consciously or subconsciously blaming you for it. Or he could just be mad that you posted something that made him feel bad and he can't explain why.
But that doesn't justify his treating you poorly. Nobody wants to be told they did something gross and then accused of ruining their life. That was an asshole move, and he shouldn't get away with talking to you like that.
I'm here to tell you that marriages can be repaired with counseling and kindness. But if he's going to be unkind to you it's going to make it really really hard.
The more I’ve seen and learned, the more I don’t believe that Christian and non-Christian spouses can be compatible. One lives in reality, one lives in delusion. Completely different worldviews. Couples are supposed to be teams. How can you be on a team with someone if you can’t agree on the most basic aspects of life?
[removed]
Huh? We removed your post or comment because we're not clear on what you're trying to say. Give it a think and try again.
Understandable, unfortunately, the premise of falsifying the original are in error.