Just here to say I understand and it is a horrible feeling. 

There's good news and bad news. The bad news is you're in a shitty position and feeling bad about yourself. The good news is that was all a previous you, to which the today you only has a passing resemblance. Staying on my theme this morning, past you no longer exists and future you is just a fever dream with no tangible existence either.

There are many less-than-useful narratives running through your head right now. And so fucking what even if you don't, in fact, care about everything alcohol made you lose. Or some normie's definition of "coping skills" and what that even looks like.

The problem with grand narratives that spread from past to present and into the future is that they distract from the number #1 most important thing: that all you control is right now, and in order to put your future "right now" in a better place, narratives aren't going to help. It's simply: what can I do right now to inch things forward? Maybe it's take a walk, eat a healthy meal, take a nap, read a book, etc.

All you can do is do smart things today. Forget the past, don't think about the future. There is only the right now and the today. Figure out what is achievable right now and today and just attempt to do it. Sleep like a baby knowing you did what you could.

Same. Pissed away 4 months of sobriety. We just gotta wipe the dust off and get back on that wagon. Get rid of that guilt and shame and keep pushing. Sounds like you’ve already got some coping skills in your toolbox, that’s great. Find a meeting, reach out to a friend or loved one or fellow Redditors, anyone. Go for a walk and reflect and think while you feel the air on your face. We’re gonna be alright. Feel through the emotions of this relapse and let it fall off your shoulders and get as determined to get clean as we are to get loaded. I never missed a day of drinking, I figured out how to get blackout everyday. Let’s work THAT hard on our sobriety instead.

Many of us have been there. Doesn't do you any good to beat yourself up. It takes a lot more than learning a coping strategy. For me anyways, there were several layers of fear and self awareness that I needed to break through in order to learn what I really needed to learn.

The notion that going into detox or rehab or sober living or whatever can make you sober is a fallacy. It affords us enough space to start working on things. But if you're like me, you went through that stuff and got a bunch of AA style advice, and weren't quite sure how to make any of it apply to yourself, despite actually trying. So you drink out of 'boredom', when in reality it's anxiety misunderstood.

Read through my post history. I think my first post was basically the same as yours. Learning about myself and developing a language for my feelings helped me get to a point where I could start applying some of the things they try to teach you in detox/rehab.

I could see what they were describing, but truly didn't know how to do it for myself.

When I first went to rehab, I would tell people that I couldn't think of a reason why I would have developed the level of addition I did. Because I couldn't. But after a lot of learning about myself, I have really come to understand why I ended up where I did.

It feels so hopeless when you're at a complete loss for why. There are reasons, and you can figure them out. But you need to equip yourself first. I'd start by looking into how to become more self aware (for what it's worth, I was self-reported "totally self aware" the day I walked into rehab). And then learning about how to give language to your feelings (I would have said I didn't have them). Those are foundational blocks to starting to get to the bottom of why you make the choices you do. No one can really answer that for us, which sucks. But there's so much power once you've learned some of these things.

Good luck.

If you haven't already. I really recommend reading Allen Carr.

dont focus on your slip-up. we all fuck up and make mistakes and bad decisions sometimes. focus on how badass you are for making it a month without alcohol, and remember that you can do it again.

you dont have to throw in the towel just because you messed up. like anything in life, sobriety takes a lot of practice and hard work. you're literally learning how to live your life in a completely different way. it doesn't happen overnight. you have to just keep going and keep trying new things to see what sticks, and to learn what helps (or doesn't help) you to stay sober.

im so sorry that you're going through a rough time, but just keep trucking. I'm sure you have been through really difficult things before, but you survived them - youre still here. you are so much stronger than you realize. and I believe in you.

I'm only 9 days out of a 14 day program, so 23 days sober. On my last day, the therapist said I hope I don't see you again, but the odds are I will (that pissed me off BTW). My point is, relapsing is part of the process for the vast majority until they get it right. Every person I met in rehab and AA I've asked the question "why did you relapse?". The number one answer was they thought they had it beat and one drink wouldn't hurt. You know how that story ends. #2 was Isolation. They felt alone and said, "screw it, who cares". And there were a few with traumatic events. Do not beat yourself up! Try again and take mental stock of what didn't work this time. You said boredom - stay busier. Or did you deep down think you could control it this time? Just keep on trying, you'll get it right!

I totally understand this feeling. I still shame myself, but my New Year resolution is to give myself some grace. Self loathing after I've made bad choices almost always leads me to drink more just to cope. So, i’m learning to reflect back and recognize my wins, even if they are very small. For example, 2 years ago I would NEVER be able to go a week or two without drinking, but this year I have been able to do that a few times. 3 years ago I would constantly buy huge 5 L boxes of wine - now I TRY to moderate by JUST buying enough for each night (not a perfect method especially when my stupid ass will sometimes go out to get more, but at least I don't have 5 L hanging around that I’d likely drink all day and night!), also I finally got myself a therapist last month - WIN!

Just wanted to share what works for me, it might work for you too!

I have fucked up so bad so many times, but I wont give up. Slipped up a few weeks ago, and everyday I tell myself this is the last day. Went all out last night as sort of a last party, but woke up with the worst anxiety this morning, took 5 mg valium, but it did not even touch the WD. Ran to the store the minute it opened, and bought two beers, feeling better now, but its a never ending cycle... Going to try to keep it as low as possible today, and tomorrow is a new day. Going to a sober NY dinner tomorrow, so thats good, but gotta get in shape before that..

Sorry for the rant, guess I am trying to say that I am struggling too.

Wish you all the best friend

A friend of mine said to me on many occasions "Your best decisions got you to where you are right now". I always blew it off until I tried to understand it. I'm a drunk too, but maybe tomorrow can be a better day if we just make better decisions. It's hard and some angel on here helped me yesterday but we can try and if we fail we can try again and again and again. Don't give up hope. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Always here for a chat friend. And I blew away 10 years of sobriety so don't think it doesn't affect all of us drunks.

Super small scetchy window of 2 drink or not to drink Sir!

I'm really sorry you're struggling but it's great that you're reaching out for help. Breaking free from alcohol is tough, especially when you're in a rough spot. Finding new coping strategies can take time and it's okay to have setbacks. Keep reaching out and leaning on others, you don't have to do this alone.

I do not have specific advice - but you do it because your brain is not OK now. Don't feel bad about it

Thank you everyone for the advice.