First of all, I am very honored to have been chosen as your Supreme Court Justice. I think we should get right down to business, so that Justice may be served.

Presenting Case # 15-DC-001-1 The Destructionist Government vs. /u/mncke for Necromancy in the First Degree.
That /u/mncke did knowingly and willfully create a program to raise the dead (Squire),
and recruited an unknown number of participants to sign up as Zombies in order to keep the Button alive,
and on Thursday, April 16 2015 did make a post in /r/KnightsoftheButton announcing his crimes for the world to see.

Evidence:

EXHIBIT A: The Announcement of Project Zombie
(The Prosecution and Defense must submit all relevant evidence to the Court as soon as possible.)

DEFENDANT: /u/mncke
JUDGE: /u/gummybearsyumyum
PROSECUTOR: /u/memyselfnirony /u/filthyplatypus
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: /u/blackleaf31
JUROR #1: /u/thefuckdidijustsee
JUROR #2: /u/dudeliketotally
JUROR #3: /u/pvoteseveryone
BAILIFF: TBD

UPDATE FROM THE COURT: I have no choice but to approve the request of the Defense. I dismiss this case, with prejudice, based on the prosecutorial misconduct displayed here, and the right of the Defendant to a speedy trial. I hereby release /u/mncke back into the wild with a stern warning.
updated at 4:21 AM Wednesday, June 3, 2015 (UTC)

  • Upon inspection into the Opening Statement made by /u/memyselfnirony, the Court has no choice but to remove him as Lead Prosecutor.

    He willingly incriminates himself which at first I was going to overlook, as long as he did his duty to the best of his ability. But further into the statement he does highlight certain things ... planting Easter Eggs of defiance here and there.

    Here it is, for all to see, his highlighted words:

    "star" "chamber" "kangaroo" "court" "miscarriage" "of" "justice" "/u/mncke" "is" "a" "hero"

    I am appalled.

    parent

    I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!

    parent root

    So, you confess to attempting to rig this court and making a mockery of justice.

    An interesting choice.

    parent root

  • [deleted]

    parent

    Hear, hear, have some popcorn (I've got loads)

    parent root
    parent root

    I hate to bother you, Dear, but do you have some cleaning equipment?

    As I said the toilets are a disgrace, and I spilled some popcorn, and as the prosecution seems to have died and/or be totally ignoring you (whilst setting up a whole new sub) I thought I would tidy up a bit.

    I thought some flowers and nice soaps in the ladies would be nice, but the only hope for the gents is bleach, lots of bleach.

    I hope you don't mind me bringing some tea making facilities and a radio ( I do like to listen to the radio while I am knitting), but it does seem like we are going to be here for a while.

    Oh, just thought, its my Bridge Club Sunday night......... That's ok, I'll just get a spanner and rearrange a few chairs and set up a table and then we can meet here.

    But I do really need the cleaning equipment dear?

    parent root
    parent root

    I'll have you know I used to clean for powerlanguage himself !!

    parent root

    *gasp* IT WAS YOU!

    Well, in any case, I'll see if I can find a few $$ in petty cash for the soaps and whatnot.

    parent root

    So it looks like its just me and you now. I haven't seen anyone else here in days, Want some popcorn?

    parent root

    Do you have any of that caramel kind?

    parent root
    parent root

    Therefore, the case must be dismissed in the interests of justice, and double jeopardy having attached, must be dismissed with prejudice.

    Is that so?

    Double jeopardy is a procedural defence that forbids a defendant from being tried again on the same (or similar) charges following a legitimate acquittal or conviction.

    As this case has not been dismissed, or completed in any way, double jeopardy does not apply here. The prosecution has every legal right to continue.

    parent root

    May it please the Court

    Motion to dismiss, with prejudice, based on the desertion of the Prosecution from his post. The Defense has an expectation of a Speedy Trial, and this has been anything but.

    May we put this behind us and get back to our individual endeavors.

    Submitted to the Court at 18:30:28 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)

    parent root

    I have just dismissed the case in an edit to the original post.

    parent root

    Thankee-Sai. Long Days and Pleasant Nights.

    parent root

  • [deleted]

    parent

    I will await for the Prosecution to come forth with the evidence regarding your request # 2, but unless there is proof elsewhere of a treaty we signed agreeing to diplomatic immunity, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to disregard that.

    edit: have added specificity to the charges

    parent root

    [deleted]

    parent root

    Fair enough, if you wish to proceed I will remove my previous judgement and hear you out fairly, provided you have evidence to support such a motion.

    parent root
  • parent

    [deleted]

    parent root

    My apologies,

    The charge pressed against /u/mncke is Necromancy, a crime against gods and men alike. The only law I could find concerning this most heinous crime is in Leviticus 20:27.

    "A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them."

    It is also within the right of the supreme court of the Destructionists to persecute War Crimes, which Necromancy in /r/thebutton falls under. The right to persecute war crimes is cited here.

    parent root

    I urge you to continue with your Prosecution as you see fit, Mr. Prosecutor. The Defense has shown nothing but contempt for the Court from the Start and unless they comply immediately, will be disregarded as non-compliant, and a "non-guilty" plea will be entered on behalf of the Defendant. I have no other option as Judge as it is currently impossible for me to hold another redditor in contempt of this court. I have been more than lenient with their demands and posturing until this point. I will have no more intentional delays from the Defense Counsel.

    The Prosecution will still be expected to prove the charges brought against /u/mncke, and the Court will still make a ruling.

    parent root

    Defense pleads not guilty to the charge as provided in the Court's specification of the charge "Necromancy in the First Degree."

    parent root

    Thank you. Now, please continue.

    parent root

    Defense has already said it is reserving its opening for its case-in-chief. Is the prosecution done with its case-in-chief? If so, then I will proceed. If not, I will wait for them to make their case, and respond to their case as may be appropriate.

    parent root

    IE: Defense defers their opening at this time, until the prosecution rests their case.

    We're waiting for /u/filthyplatypus.

    parent root

    Hang on'The rules of the court' say you need a bailiff and you don't have a bailiff.

    Aren't you breaking the rules of the court by proceeding without one

    (Comment from Court Official popcorn vendor)

    parent root
  • parent

  • I'll happily lead the prosecution.

    parent

    Present your Opening Statement whenever you are ready.

    parent root

  • I'll lead the persecution if no one else will.

    parent

    If you are still willing, we are in need of you.

    parent root

    I can do it!

    parent root

    Great! The defense is insisting on formal reading of charges, so for now, I wish for the Prosecution to comply for the sake of expedience. Please present to the Court the Formal list of charges brought against /u/mncke, so that we may continue.

    parent root

  • The prosecution rises

    Your honor, I thank you for your confidence in my abilities to prosecute this case. It is a privilege to be appointed to this role. Clearly, your honor's careful attention to the evidence will show that the charges against /u/mncke are apt.

    And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I come before you to tell you that it is doubtless that /u/mncke is a necromancer, a conjurer, a cogitator, and a goon. He has no respect for the Destructionists' key motive, to end the button. He would do all that he could to continue its operation for now and into eternity, ad infinitum, and so on, and cetera, et so on, to infinity and beyond.

    The defense will tell you that /u/mncke is not to be held to Destructionist rules, that he is of a different people who have different ways. He is their star knight. But, as we all know, ignorance is no defense! And more than that, he was not ignorant: as he sat in his chamber, he knew that his ingenuity and industry were going to the preservation of the button.

    Like a boxing kangaroo, the defense will hammer repeatedly that this court is not the appropriate venue for hearing such a charge. But if not here, among those who wish nothing more than the button's end, then where?

    Will you jurors allow /u/mncke to slither away like some abominable miscarriage? Or will we instead guarantee ourselves of the rightness of justice?

    Friends, I will show you plainly and clearly that /u/mncke is guilty of the charges that have been brought against him. He is what we have claimed that he is. And that, my friends, is a necromancer who has been most treacherous.

    parent

    Did we skip the part where you recite the charges, cite the specific statues said charges are relevant to, and then wait for Defense to enter a plea? I just ask because that sounded incredibly like an opening statement, which feels a bit Pulp Fictiony, wibbley wobbley timey wimey etc.

    parent root
    parent root

    Could you link the Prosecution conducting a formal reading of the charges and relevant statutes? I must have missed it.

    EDIT: Ah, found it.

    Defense appears to be waiting for the formal reading before entering a plea.

    /popcorn

    parent root

    Oh and motions, I think those have to happen as well, and you know, those are just loooooads of fun, so we wouldn't want to miss those! =D

    parent root

    The judge said, "Present your Opening Statement whenever you are ready."

    Just following orders!

    parent root

    Just seems a liiiiiil bit irregular. Granted it's the first time, bound to be hiccups while everyone finds their seats and all.

    =D

    parent root

    Indeed, this is our first case. We thank you for your patience.

    parent root

  • Firstly congratulations on being elected, let it not be said that i am a sore loser :) Secondly i would like to join the jury for this case.

    parent

    Thank you very much! :) It will be done.

    parent root

  • I'll be a juror, sounds fun.

    parent

  • I hereby summon /u/mncke to this Court, to stand trial for the offense listed above, and give notice that you may represent yourself, select your own representation, or let the Court appoint representation on your behalf.

    I give you 12 hours from the time of this post (current UTC time 2:28PM, 28th of May) to respond and state your plea.

    parent

  • This will be fascinating to spectate

    parent

  • Hi guys, just here to watch the show (eating popcorn)

    Where is my beautiful red flair? Must have mislaid it

    4s Red signing in

    parent

    Are you talking about /r/destructionist flair? You can select the blue flair. Blue represents all blues, greens, yellows, oranges, and reds here.

    parent root

    No, just my nice red button pressing flair.

    Just wanted to keep it, so I let you know what it is

    EDIT: so when does the show start?

    parent root

    We don't have red flairs here because it's such a small minority in this community. You can use the blue flair instead.

    parent root

    Nope, but thanks (red or nothing)

    Oh and if this trial goes ahead you may find you have a few more Red visitors, just to watch

    EDIT Do you know where I can buy more popcorn, do you have a stand or something? Oh and could you direct me to the toilets?

    parent root

  • I hereby declare in the power vested in me that this case be officially opened, as we have collected all necessary parties.

    LET US BEGIN!

    edit: sheesh, ok, as of 0000 UTC May 29 2015 I found that we had all the necessary parties signed up and in my most Judgy opinion, this is the time that the trial is Officially Opened.

    parent

    Pardon me for asking, but didn't you begin 9 hours ago, like the post in this string says, when you summoned mncke?

    I mean if its beginning now I'll go back and tell him its 12 hours from NOW and not from when you summoned him.

    EDIT I need to go back and get more popcorn anyway, and the toilets here are disgraceful, so no probs with sending the message ( red 4s signing off)

    parent root

    I see your point, But at the time we did not have a Prosecution.. in which case I signed off and am just now back. Carry on.

    parent root

    So when did it start? 9 hours ago or just now, I mean this is important. I need to gauge the amount of popcorn I need

    EDIT and set my alarm, 9 hrs ago means I need to be here in 3 hrs which is 5 a.m, 12 hrs from now its lunch time. You need a UTC time of starting posted in /r/thebutton to let EVERYONE KNOW what is happening. I mean this is a REAL trial???

    parent root

    Where is the bailiff, this man is drunk on popcorn!

    parent root

    Seriously? You want me to leave? You are having a trial that concerns the whole of /r/thebutton and you are not going to tell them?

    The whole point of a court is that it stands up to public scrutiny, is observed by ALL concerned parties and is seen by all to be fair and just.

    Just tell/r/thebutton, let them come and see justice...or are you afraid?

    EDIT and all my questions have been valid questions phrased politely, please dignify me with a reply

    parent root

    I have made an edit to my top level comment in this thread, hopefully answering your question? Also, I do not wish to be the one to x-post this trial to the outside world as it may tarnish my judgy bias. I am not opposed to anyone else x-posting it.

    parent root
  • parent

    Perhaps the Prosecution wants a witness more sure about what the fuck he just saw.

    parent root

  • Court will resume as soon as a Prosecutor is solidified. The Rules of the Court can be found here. I will start a new thread as soon as we are ready to begin.

    I also need a Bailiff, if anyone is interested, please respond here

    parent

  • *nudgenudge* /u/filthyplatypus, are you still prepared to continue with your Prosecution?

    parent
    parent root

    this is getting to be fun

    parent root

    Yeah there is suddenly a lot on my plate.

    parent root

    Does this trial feel a bit like this?

    parent root

    Does that make you one of the cats?

    parent root

    a rather annoying and persistent cat..

    parent root

    I Love you Too

    Want to make a four at bridge? Me, you, gummybears and ? ( you do have friends?)

    I have tea and popcorn, you could bring the drinks?

    parent root

    as-long as you do tea properly.

    parent root

    My job here is.....started?

    I'll let you know when Chaos and disorder tell me my job is done, but at the moment.

    • Toilets are clean (you owe me £9.86 /u/gummybearsyumyum
    • Snacks are available
    • Socialising ladies (not witches, no not witches) Nanny Ogg, Mistress Weatherwax, Magrat and me are just having a game of bridge.

    And WE are waiting to see the result of this trial.

    So could you get it started??? WHERE could the prosecution be?

    parent root

    The case has been dismissed, you may pack up your things now. The check is in the mail or whatever.

    parent root