Hi all! Merry Christmas! Long time lurker, first time poster.
My mom has mid-stage dementia and my dad (recently retired) is her primary caregiver. I live out of town (~4 hours away) and see my parents every other month or so. My dad (64) and I talk on the phone frequently and he is a gentle, wonderful angel of a man. My mom (72) and I had a bad relationship for most of my life and her dementia has badly exacerbated that - she’s an extreme narcissist, paranoid and very cruel (she she always has been).
All this to say - I am worried about my dad’s mental health. My mom is verbally abusive and very hard on him. He’s in good physical health, thank god, but I can tell it’s taking a toll on him. He is exhausted, she doesn’t allow him to nap and his anxiety prevents him from sleeping well at night. We’re working on getting him some daily anxiety meds.
Hoping for some ideas on how I can help provide relief to him from afar when I can’t be at their house. Any gifts/services/gift cards etc you’ve given to a caregiver that have cheered them up, made them laugh or helped them rest and unwind?? He’s so selfless and any time I try to help, he just says all he wants is to protect me from it 🥺 it has basically ruined his life and he has so much life left he should be able to live
Some things to make his life easier - arrange a bi-weekly cleaner to come in, or a deep clean reset, a robovac, some frozen meals or a meal delivery service. Respite care maybe?
I think you need to help your Dad understand that his emotional well-being is key to him providing good care to your Mother.
I had a similar situation many years ago with my Dad. He was my Mother's caregiver. It clearly took an emotional and physical toll on Dad. He refused any help my siblings and I offered.
Eventually, we were able to hire caregivers one day a week. Dad grew to love those days. He went to breakfast with friends. He gardened. Etc.
I think this would help your Dad a great deal.
It can be so hard to see a parent caught up in a bad relationship and suffering. Remind yourself that he made this choice to marry your mom and stay with her of his own free will. Now he’s making the choice to be her caregiver rather than putting her in memory care or assisted living. I say this as a daughter who feels responsible for the happiness of my parents. Therapy has encouraged me to check myself and remember that I am not the parent in this relationship. (But I struggle a lot with my desire to “fix it”).
That being said, probably talking on the phone and taking him out on solo outings is the best gift you can give. You can be there for him emotionally and give him someone to talk to. You can try to get someone to be with your mom and take him out to lunch and for a walk or an activity you enjoy together. My dad has been looking ragged lately due to being a full time caregiver for my stepmother who had a bad fall. He was finally able to get her sister to come over for a day and we went for a hike. Just getting out of the house for 5 hours and into nature makes him seem like his old self.