I once, foolishly, told my girl during an argument that she needed to take a deep breath and calm down. Instead of deescalating, it made the argument worse and I ended up sleeping in my car for the night. How do I stay calm enough in whatever argument may happen in the future to avoid making amateur mistakes like this again?
Welcome to /r/datingadvice!
Please keep the rules of /r/datingadvice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a message. We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Speaking from a girls perspective. You did everything what you did was right and you tried to have a civil conversation with your girl. It mostly depends on girl to girl and how they handle arguments. Maybe instead of saying to take a deep breath and calm down, rephrase it. Just say you are trying to have a civil conversation with no yelling and that you are trying to understand her part of the story. A lot of times you have to emphasize with the other person and that’s usually an effective way to calm someone down without saying it. If you are telling her to calm down, it makes the situation worse. Hope this helps!
Maybe paying your own rent and living in your own place would eliminate the possibility again in the future?
Except I do pay my rent and have my own apartment. Whats your point?
You are an ass for sleeping in your car. You have an apartment you paid rent for. Why are you in your car?
Smile and nod, just smile and nod. Then when she’s done you say “I totally understand why you feel that way.”
Smart. Smile and wave never go wrong.
In general, telling someone that they need to calm down rarely ever works, but most people aren't aware that how we word and phrase things makes a world of difference during conflict. It's honestly pretty painful to see people pour gasoline on a situation because they don't know how deescalate.
Next time, frame it as a collective issue in more neutral terms, e.g. "I feel like this conversation is escalating. How about we take a 20 minute break, I'll talk a walk during that time, and then we can chat about it afterwards if it feels like we are able to talk it through then?" Do not use a direct "you are doing/did x, y, z." Almost everyone will get defensive with such language.
Yeah for one, unless it's some power dynamic I gap where you are freeloading then don't get bullied out of your own house and if she has a problem she can choose to leave.
Secondly, use "I/ we" language. "I think it's best if we take a breath together" etc redirect it so it's not placing blame but find ways to circle back to rationality. Keep deep breathing yourself and be stoic and zen to the best of your abilities because that allows you to be rational. Then redirect energy so that it is you and her vs the problem instead of you vs her, "we've taken a breath and I want to listen, what are you feeling/ need?" And learn to avoid being defensive and taking things personally and continue to try and redirect energy and see what is the route problem and a collaborative approach to solving problems.
Also man, as someone who's dated a lot of borderline and other chicks, some people are too irrational even then and that is not your fault and the recipe for an abusive relationship so learn to establish boundaries and keep them too