This is my first time posting here on this sub, but I’m at a complete loss.
My daughter (1 week old) more than likely fell victim to SIDS last night and it’s completely tearing me apart inside. We had to feed her formula because of complications my wife was having for her milk production, so we were up about every 2-3 hours to feed her. When my wife was passing by to go to the bathroom early into the morning she walked by us sleeping in the chair and decided to give our daughter a head rub but immediately felt that it was cold. She started screaming and that’s what woke me up. I put her chest up to my ear but couldn’t hear anything and immediately started doing chest compressions and CPR. After about 5 minutes I threw on some pants and a sweatshirt and drove as fast as I could to our emergency room where at first, the doctor said she could hear a faint heartbeat (giving me a little hope) but that was it. I was quickly ushered out and was standing by my wife for the better part of an hour before they called it.. I’ve never felt so hopeless before in my life and I can’t help but sit here and wonder what I could have done to prevent this. I know there’s no planning for it and these things can happen, but I honestly can’t stop blaming myself. My wife is understandably devastated as this was our second child together (my other daughter is 2) and we were told by multiple doctors before trying that it would be next to impossible for us to have kids. Now we’re facing decisions on whether to have her buried or cremated instead of planning for her first birthday… Thankfully we have family flying here soon to help us as I don’t know how I’d be able to handle this without them. I hate looking around the house and seeing infant clothes and rockers that we can’t use and is a reminder of what a beautiful soul that was taken from us…
This post has been flaired "Support". Moderation is stricter here and unsupportive and unpleasant comments will be removed and result in a ban.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Sending love Brother.
At this raw stage, just keep going for your wife and 2 year old. No big shows of strength, no big efforts, let everyone else handle anything you can give them. Just survive until you can process. There's nothing else you can do until the shock passes. I'm so sorry.
Nothing I can say will help. But having experienced something similar, my only advice is to remember to lean into each other, and to grieve and cry together.
This will impact you both for years, you'll need all the kindness and love for each other to make it through.
Sending you and your partner my love bro. Kia kaha, arohanui.
This is exactly right. You did nothing wrong but your brain will punish you ruthlessly for months. It will get better, but it will take time. For us, having another child really really helped later down the road..
I am so sorry to hear this. Take the time to grieve, feel free to vent to us.
You're not alone. Sending your family love.
What was her name?
Her name was Lilith Michelle
I am so terribly sorry. I do not have words, as I just don’t believe there are any at all. I am sorry. I am truly sorry.
What a beautiful name. This may not be helpful, but in Hinduism, we believe in the concept of reincarnation.
A soul’s goal is to learn everything it has to reach nirvana, or enlightenment.
As I’ve learned it, the passing a young child means that A. They learned all they had to in this life time and B. That they don’t have much left to learn, if anything, to reach enlightenment.
My prayer this morning is to believe Lilith has attained enlightenment and is truly done with the cycle of life and rebirth. She is in the best place now.
Sending your whole family lots of love.
This is beautiful, my dude 🥲
Man Hinduism is so good
That’s what we believe for our still born daughter. She’s achieved moksh.
OP, I am so sorry. Give grace to yourself, and grieving is a lifelong process.
I’m just so sorry.
So sorry. My deepest condolences. Her name is beautiful. I hope you don’t mind, I included her and your family in my prayers.
Might I suggest grief counseling in your family’s future? Lean into the love of your extended family. Hugs.
beautiful name. devastated for your loss. no words. just sadness.
RIP Lilith Michelle.
Stand by your wife and start individual and couples therapy as soon as possible. You’re both going through a worst case scenario, and for the sake of your marriage and your 2 year old, seek as much expert support as possible.
Such a beautiful name!
Beautiful name, this is so horrible, I’m so sorry OP.
Mom here. I’m sending you so much love. I am so, so sorry.
What a beautiful, lyrical name. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Please don’t lose sight of the love the four of you have together, as you navigate this black hole of grief. Work hard at setting aside guilt - the guilt that so many times complicates already-horrible situations, and which we put upon ourselves for no reason. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Love each other, be there for each other, and I strongly recommend grief counseling together and/or separately, so that you learn how to navigate together.
Hugs.
Can't imagine the emotions right now.... You read about it but you don't ever imagine it can happen. So sorry for your loss man - sending huge hugs
As a fellow loss parent, there's no pain like it. r/babyloss is a good community to find others going through the same or just to scream into the void where people who understand are the only ones listening.
I'm so sorry. I hope you can somehow find some peace in this difficult time. I'm 2 months out from losing my son at 15 days old so feel free to DM me.
I don't know what to say, and I'm going through it, so unfortunately people will either say the wrong thing or say nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing. They don't mean anything by it. Hugs.
Fuck man. Fuck fuck fuck. Sending your family love ❤️
So sorry, my condolences. Lean on others while you grieve. Dont keep it in and just let it out.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine. I want to write for others who come across this…PLEASE do your best to not fall asleep with a newborn or young baby in a chair, on the couch, sitting in bed etc. Not saying at all this is what happened here, but it does increase the risk of SIDS. I’m sorry OP, this sucks. But thank you for sharing your story and if you can help others MAYBE prevent something like this…it counts for something.
Thank you. Seems a lot of people feel the need to reassure OP that "there's nothing (he) could have done" and I understand the intentions behind those sentiments are good... But don't co-sleep with an infant, especially a newborn. That's a well known, data-supported risk factor that significantly increases the chance of SIDS, especially in the first four months. We're talking three to four times the risk of SIDS from co-sleeping.
That's not to say OP is at fault. We still don't fully understand SIDS and it's entirely possible that it made no difference in this case, that OP's daughter would have passed from SIDS even if she had been sleeping in her bassinet adhering to safe sleep practices. There's no way to know. It's just an unfortunate tragedy and the blame game will bring no peace or closure to OP and his family. What's clear is that this is a loving father who would mean no harm, just as none of us would to our own children. My condolences are with him and his family and I wish them the best in their grieving process. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be.
Frankly I would find it inappropriate to dwell on the co-sleeping detail in a private/personal setting, but this is a public forum and this post has had a lot of eyes on it, making it pertinent to mention for anyone who may not know the risk factors that contribute to SIDS; Especially after so many posters have insisted that everything about the circumstances were fine. Unfortunately, as insensitive as it may be to point out, they weren't. And ultimately this is something OP will likely need to come to terms with as a part of his grieving process. It sucks to have to mention but, as you said, raising awareness may help prevent future tragedy.
Thank you, I was thinking the same thing. There is no delicate way to put what you said, but you did a great job laying it out.
Statistically speaking if risk factor X increases risk of SIDS by 50%, then 1/3 of SIDS cases happened due to factor X and 2/3 would have happened regardless/other factors. If the increased risk is 100%, then half of the cases were due to factor X.
Falling asleep with a newborn is like crazy high relative risk, meaning 80% or so of cases would be because of factor X. Meaning, it’s 4x times as likely it was due to falling asleep with the newborn compared to all other factors. Like rolling a 5-sided dice, if it lands on 1 it would have happened regardless but if it lands on 2, 3, 4, or 5, it happened due to X. This harsh reality is for all dads reading this and hopefully can be avoided.
The risk factor is even worse if the baby is sleeping on their stomach on the parent. The leading theory is that the air composition changes and has too much CO2 and too little oxygen.
A parent going by to give the baby a head rub could be a sign the face was down.
SIDS risk is like 500% when falling asleep with a young child. It’s jumped out as an alarm bell to me as I was reading that OP was asleep with the newborn.
I didn't want to say it, because I doubt anything could make him blame himself more than he already does, but it has to be said.
There's nothing wrong with contact napping, but you CANNOT fall asleep at the same time. As soon as your head starts to droop you need to put the baby down or hand them off to your partner. The fact that his wife was home and awake and could have taken over watching the baby is the most heartbreaking part of the story.
Thank you for saying it. Someone had to.
As a lurking mom who was just discussing this with her husband, thank you for saying this. There is no good way to point this out but it immediately jumped out at me reading this. Please, stay awake holding your baby.
So sorry to hear this mate. Reach out and get support. Lean into each other and work as a team.
Welcome to the worst group with the best people.
Infancy loss is an absolute tragedy that I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. Nobody is deserving of such a loss.
Some will say it will pass, it won't. But that's OK. It's OK to not be OK.
We lost our daughter at 1.5 days old. It absolutely sucks and no one will understand unless they’ve gone through it. People will say the most stupid, unintentionally hurtful things.
Moms often get more support in the aftermath - let people hold you up too.
There’s nothing to say except that sucks. The grief will not always be this raw, but you will never be the same person.
i am so sorry. real love from this stranger.. the only way to get through is to be helpful to your wife and move on a breathe at a time.
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you are going through.
This must be said. Do not under any circumstance sleep with an infant or young baby. It is possible for the baby’s breathing to be obstructed and you would never know. This leads to “SIDS” in many cases
Thank you for saying it. It is not uncommon for an infant suffocation to be misclassified as SIDS out of kindness to the parents who are going through unimaginable pain, grief, and loss. But this gives folks a false sense of security about unsafe sleep practices as suffocation/asphyxiation/airway obstruction goes underreported.
Positional asphyxiation (what can happen when a baby falls asleep in an unsafe sleep position, like on someones chest or being held in arms, snuggled up against another person in bed etc, where they cannot protect their own airway) though also silent, is different. This is why even those baby rockers are not sleep safe and they want folks to take their newborns out of car seats when they get home, even if they are asleep and why the push the message of the ABCs of safe sleep so hard.
Your not wrong. However sometimes when one is up 24 hrs + and baby won’t settle on their own, we succumb to our humanity and get tired. Not trying to excuse it, just explaining how hard it can be to have a newborn.
Sending love, strength, condolences… so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry! Don't be afraid to reach out to others for help
I hope you and your wife can get through this difficult life stage together. Sending love.
So sorry for your loss There is a subreddit with parents of the shitty club /r/babyloss
As someone who lost mine few years ago... She'll stay in your heart forever, and will probably nudge you a bit when you least expect it. I don't have any words of comfort other than a hug for you big guy.
I know I wished someone sent me some hugs that day.
[removed]
[removed]
It is too bad your post was removed because anyone with a baby that hasn't been educated on safe sleep needs to inform themselves ASAP. And there is a good deal of misinformation in these comments.
Read too many horror stories on here that made me extra careful not to do this. Scared my wife straight too.
My wife and i lost our son 3 years ago, when he was just 9 days old. His little sister turned one recently and she is the light that fills our hearts.
Be there for each other. From experience: the pain will not go away and it'll wash over you every now and again. Don't try to get rid of it, learn to live with it.
As i heard years ago: grief is the scar that love has left behind. As devastated as you are feeling, be reminded that your daughter is loved.
One step at a time. One task at a time. One day at a time. Strength and guidance, brother. Condolences to you, your wife, and your family.
Mourn. Weep. Talk. Cry. Share. Feel…
Let it out. You have experienced a trauma that is incalculable. Seek counseling with your wife. Remember to love each other through the pain and the loss. It’s no one’s fault. We weep for you. Do not be ashamed. Do *not be guilty.
I am so sorry for you loss. We love you, man. Be with your wife. Do what you need to do. Take as much time as you need to and take no shit from anyone about it.
Come back here if you need us. You’re still one of us.
Edit: missed a pretty important “not” at the end of the first paragraph
Sending prayers and love your way. Be the rock for your wife, cherish the time you had with your sweet little one and hold on to your eldest daughter. And take care of yourself as best you can. Reach out if you need anything. Be strong.
I can’t even begin to fathom this level of heartbreak, so sorry to hear this. Please lean on those around you for support. My deepest condolences
I'm so sorry for your loss, brother ... i'cant imagine what is like going trough this.. my thoughts are with you and your spouse
Man, I'm so so sorry. I don't think anything people say will make this feel better. Just know that there is support around you
My words cannot erase the pain but my heart is absolutely with you and your wife. I’m so sorry, may your angel rest peacefully.
So sorry for you bro. Time will heal you somewhat I hope. Hug your family and your other kid tightly and cherish them. Prayers with you man.
This is awful, from one dad to another, you got this. Be here for your other half, get support if you need it, and reach out to loved ones.
Fuck, I don't have the words, man - I am so, so fucking sorry this happened to your family...
I can't imagine the emotional devastation you and your wife must be feeling. Its so raw right now, so please allow yourselves to feel what you need to feel. Keep going as much as you can to be there for your wife and 2 year old. Everything else can come later.
Sending you lots of love and support during this difficult time. Life is not fair...
I'm so sorry.
So sorry.
Sending love brother.
Much love mate. That's unbelievably tough. Wish you all the best. Get help wherever you can. Big love.
Omg this is heartbreaking. Don't be afraid to cry and talk to others. A good support system is crucial here. Sending my love to you and your family. I'm so sorry.
So sorry. My heart hurts for you. I’ve also fallen asleep multiple times never thinking this would happen to me. The community is here for you.
I'm so sorry brother.
I hope you guys are OK and rememebr you're still are and always will be part of this community. We're here for you.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Dad. My heart is broken for you
So sorry, no-one should have to go through this, please accept my deepest sympathy 😥
I genuinely can't imagine it. I'm so so sorry that this has to happen to anyone.
She felt your love, and she knew.
Goddamn that is so brutal. Im going to go hug my kids. Wish I could give you and your wife a hug. Hang in there buddy 🙏
i’m not a dad, but a mom who lost her 2 month old in september. i’m so sorry that this is part of your story, and i’m gonna be so real with you that it’s gonna get harder before it gets easier. the worst of it, the grief, is still yet to come. but there are steps you guys can take to ensure you’re being responsible for your own mental health and each others, while still being the best parents you can to your other child. look into therapy TODAY if you haven’t already. support groups. my husband and i both developed bad PTSD and are on medication for it now, so definitely get with even your PCP to help you navigate the road ahead.
when we lost my son, I had to ask our family members to bear the burden of putting his stuff away. I collected every single thing that was out in a few piles and then let them put it all away for me while I was at the hospital.
im glad to hear you are going to be surrounded by family. LEAN ON THEM. also, I don’t know if you’ve been contacted by CPS or the medical examiner yet but be prepared for both just in case because it can be super jarring and scary when you’re on the midst of grief.
if you or your wife need someone to talk to, my inbox is open. r/babyloss is also a community to check out. it’s gonna be a tough road, i’m on it with you, and the way people are just not going to know what to say… there are no words. I am struggling to overcome the guilt and blame I have for myself, and my husband is constantly trying to assure me he doesn’t blame me. so lean on your wife. be strong for each other, but also make sure you allow yourselves to fall apart. talk about your feelings. you two are a team. specifically this kind of tragedy can destroy marriages, so it’s paramount you guys try to maintain a level of awareness so it doesn’t devolve to that.
I know that was a lot of info, but honestly when I was in the fray of it all, I had so many i’m sorrys and I honestly just wanted to hear the facts from others who went through it too. my broken heart is with y’alls… much much love to you guys.
My god. Utterly sorry to hear this. You and your wife, and daughter, are in my thoughts.
There's no words.. I'm so sorry for you, brother. Sending love.
I'm so incredibly sorry
So sorry for your loss
No words. I'm so sorry.
All the best man. That sucks.
Life can be so raw. I’m so sorry for your loss. Take the time you need. Sending lots of love to you and your family. Most importantly, go easy on yourself.
This is horrible. Sending you a lot of love and a big big hug.
I can't even imagine. Please make sure that you and your wife find people to talk to, and don't be afraid to ask for support. Whatever it is. Hugs.
I’m so sorry ❤️
I cannot even imagine the pain and disbelief you must be feeling. Sending huge love.
Cry with your wife and daughter, hold each other close and grieve together. I’m so sorry <3
I can't imagine the pain of such a loss. I'm sorry. Sending love and strength.
Fuck man. That’s rough. I can’t even imagine. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. I don’t have any advice, but from one dad to another, my deepest, deepest condolences.
I can't imagine the pain you're going through now brother.
Be there for each other and take any and all help you can get.
I’m so sorry mate ❤️ sending my love
There are no words. I am so sorry
My god this is unbearable. I'm sorry to read this fellow dad. Wish you the greatest possible strength to survive and be excellent to your remaining family. What a horrible shocker.
I am very sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences
There are no words. I’m so so sorry. I’m glad you have family coming.
Sending love and strength your way brother! I have no words to offer.
Sending love, brother. You'll be in my family's hearts.
I cant imagine man. Im so sorry to hear this happened. Sending love your way and hoping your family can weather this.
Hey brother, you’re in shock and will be in shock. Please let your family know you need help with the little things. Lean on them for support. You and your spouse need each other right now and not being ok is perfectly ok. You need to process this grief with your partner. You must understand that your 2 year old still needs the both of you and your family must understand that they need to help you with your 2 year old. This Reddit friend will tell you that your not alone in this and I’m sending love to you, your spouse your 2 year old and to your little angle Lillith.
Fuck, man. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through. Both of you are going to need kindness and grace during this. I would also suggest that you find some professional help to help you process your grief. Lean on your extended family for the everyday stuff to let you and your wife be there for each other and your daughter. Be strong, but don't bottle things up.
A parents worst nightmare. My condolences and so sad to read this news from you.
So so so sorry. May God give you'll strength.
I'm so fucking sorry, man.
Sending you and your family so much love
We are with you. Be strong
I am so sorry. Thinking of you.
Sending love and support my brother. I am so so sorry you had to go through this.
Sending strength. Those is truly my biggest nightmare.
My condolences 💐.
I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. May her memory always be for a blessing.
That is fucking awful. We are all here for you.
We’re mourning with y’all brother. 💔
I'm sorry.
This is horrible news. I can't even begin to imagine the pain..
I don’t know if you’re religious. But I like to think that losing children means that they were so loved by God that he didn’t want them gone for long. She is home now, is paradise, and she loves you. You will see her again, of that I’m certain.
Praying for you. I am so sorry
My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry that you lost Lilith Michelle.❤️
I’m so terribly sorry for your loss man. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m so sorry
Brother. I’m so sorry.
Having lost a child myself, all I can suggest is to feel your feelings. Don’t try not to cry, don’t try not to feel sad. Also remember that you and your wife may grieve in different ways. Just because you may not mirror each other does not mean that either of you are grieving correctly or incorrectly. ❤️
I don’t know what to say other than I’m so sorry for you and yours. Stay strong, mourn how you need to and get through this.
May she rest in paradise 🙏🏻😔🕊️
❤️🩹
Sorry for your lost.
Sorry for your loss.
Sending a virtual hug brother to you and your family. May your daughter rest in peace. Amen
Cant imagine having to go through something like this. Much love send to you and your wife and child. ❤️
Absolutely heartbreaking. I'm sorry man.
This breaks my heart please take care of yourself and let the grief flow.
Jesus that's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.
Brother, I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words that are adequate.
Please lean on those around you during this time. You all deserve every ounce of support as you grieve.
So sorry to hear.
No words 😢 terrible
Take care 🤧🫂
I am so so sorry. Please be strong for your family, and for yourself.
Feel hugged.
sending love and strength and more strength… love your 2 year old and i don’t even know what to say.
Cant imagine your pain, sending love my brother keep your head up and stay strong for the mrs
I am so so sorry. Absolutely gut wrenching. Take whatever time you need for yourself and lean on family for support. My condolences.
Can’t even imagine the pain. My deepest condolences to you, your wife, and all those impacted. Your daughter has a beautiful name.
I have no words, man. Truly sorry for your loss. Sending love.
You’re in my thoughts. I am so so sorry. I can’t imagine the amount of shock and pain you’re feeling at this time.
So Sorry
I'm heart broken for you.
So sorry brother.
Sending support and prayers
Sending love for you and your family, this is quite literally my worst fear ❤️
All I really know to say right now is I’m sorry, but that doesn’t seem like enough.
I can’t even fathom the pain you’re in. I’m so very sorry for your loss! Be there for your family, but don’t forget you are in mourning too and you are allowed to grieve. Please let us know if we can help.
Sending love! There are no words. It sounds like you have an amazing family!
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry man.
💔💔💔
Sending love your way. I’m so sorry.
Words seem hollow. I’m sorry you two have to experience this. Please get counseling for you and your wife. My parents never did and it affected them greatly. Praying for you and your family.
I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️
Sending thoughts, prayers and love. Hang in there.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Im so so 😞 😔
Be kind to yourself
Sending love and prayers.
I'm so incredibly sorry you're going through this.
My heart breaks for you, brother. Sending all the love I can muster.
Jesus Christ, man. Sending my love and prayers.
Thank you for sharing. What a cruel loss.
I’m so sorry. Sending a hug, from one dad to another.
I'm so sorry.
Sending love, brother. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your wife and 2YO.
So so sorry for your loss
I'm so sorry. No words for what you're going through, but sending you love.
I’m so sorry
My wife and I read this and both teared up, and pulled our 3 yo closer. I'm so sorry. So sorry. I just cannot even imagine. Words are nothing but family is everything.
Don't know what to say, but I'm sorry. Get the help you need to get through this.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter a few years ago due to a rare genetic disease. She lived for less than an hour. All I can say is that it doesn't really get better (there's always a part of my family missing), but it does get easier over time to deal with.
If you need support, I've found that r/babyloss is a good community. It's a group of people who have dealt with child loss and we look out for each other and support each other.
Sending love your way, deepest condolences to you and your wife.
I’m so sorry OP. Sending you and your family love
I'm so terribly sorry. My condoleances.
I'm sorry brother
I don't know what to say, I can't imagine your pain. The words "I'm sorry" don't cut it, it's not enough by a million miles. I'm overwhelmingly angry and gutted for you and it's crushing how unfair life is. Please please try to take care of yourself in a way that honors your daughter.
Sending you and your family love
My condolences to you and wish you strength and courage
I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you support.
I can’t say anything that will change how you feel right know. Sending love to you and your wife.
Sorry to hear this. I can only hope you and your wife lean into your love for each other and your other child going forward.
Love and support for you brother. So sorry to hear this.
Get as much support as possible
I’m sorry for this. you do have good people here.
Sending you all the love in my heart to you and your partner. I have no words.
Hang in there brother. It’s a process. It will get easier. Sending love. 🫶
I am so sorry Brother. Heartbroken for you and your family.
This is terrible. I’m very sorry, man. I’m sending love and prayers your way.
🫂
I’m so terribly sorry
I'm so sorry!
Father God, this family is hurting so badly. Please comfort them as this navigate and mourn this huge loss.
May Lilith's pure soul rest in perfect peace.
I'm very sorry about your loss. I can't even imagine the grief you are feeling right now.
I don't know you but know your your family is in my prayers. Sorry for your loss
I’m so sorry.
No words or advice. Just sending love. I’m so sorry you two have to go through this.
Don't hold back. Let it out. Everything. This is the time to grieve, to release. I hope you find some closure and find your new normal. But I know it will never be the same. RIP little one.
I can't think of anything to say that would help- I'm so sorry for your loss.
Noting some resources here: - Hospital Chaplain- most hospitals will have a spiritual care provider on site, and they can support you regardless of your religious, or non-religious affiliation. - Hospital social worker- you can ask for a referral, and they can tell you about any and all resources for you and your partner the area - if your (or your partner's) work has an Employee Assistance program, you can call them for both emergency and longer term support, including individual or couples counselling
None of these will make things better, but sometimes help, comfort, and a listening ear can make things more manageable. Wishing you care and whatever comfort you can find in the coming days.
I’m so sorry, brother. Praying for you and your family. We’re all here for you.
So, so very sorry for your family. You're not alone. Your wife and daughter still need and love you. Don't forget to take care of yourself. Grief counseling has been very helpful to me in my life and I recommend it. This community is wonderful and will be here for you as well.
I cannot imagine. Sending so much love my friend.