Before in my previous post I talked about how my husband was scaring me before we got married last year, that we were going to adopt kids to his family. Today we visited his family again for Christmas breakfast and his aunt was raving about us having kids. He and I were on the couch uncomfortable, while she kept going on and on about me getting pregnant and me being a mother and him being a father. He was just laughing and saying yeah then he looked at me while I was spiraling i was whispering not happening. She kept getting more intense about the whole kids thing he started yelling he got a vasectomy 3 times because his aunt was screaming about us having kids. She like froze up and kept on saying no he didnt then started asking why. She went through the whole 5 stages of grief within a minute and accepted that we made the decision together. It turned out to be a good discussion cause she asked him about the process and he explained it to her. The only issue is we dont know when he's going to tell his mom. She said she isn't going to tell her cause thats for us to decide since it's really noones business. Yet we all know his mother really wants grand kids, even though his sister wants to have kids. I was shocked that he actually told the truth just to protect me from scrutiny.
Edit: thank you to everyone that understands where I'm coming from, as someone who was raised and is still bound to in an abusive home. Alot of people keep insulting me because I was rushing my words when talking about this unexpected experience during Christmas, to the literacy of a child. I wasn't able to write this out properly as I could have. Besides that just so I am clear, I have stood up for myself many times by telling family members that I do not and will not have children. Where some of the confusion stems from is that previously my husband told his family we would adopt because I am fearful of being pregnant. When I spoken to him before I have stated the following: "if for some reason in the future I wanted to adopt a child with you I would be opened to having a discussion about it." I never told him i wanted a kid, which is where the miscommunication came up in front of his family. So they assumed I was forcing him to not have kids, which was not the case. Today he clarified with his aunt that he himself does not want children. They always assumed he did and he would never say anything because he had his own feelings of disappointing his family, until now.
Tldr: husbands aunt at Christmas breakfast kept raving about us having kids, husband blurted it out that he's snipped. His aunt went through the 5 stages of grief very fast and told us it was our decision to make
Her: "WHY would you get a vasectomy?!" Your SO who keeps saying he doesn't want kids: "Why TF do you think?"
Play stupid games. Win stupid prizes.
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Her reaction. LOL
My apologies yeah true
What do you mean by your husband “was scaring you that you were going to adopt kids to his family” (apologies I realize English may not be your first language!)
English is the only language I speak. What i meant by that is, i told my husband if I ever for some reason wanted kids. We could open up a discussion about adopting a child. He took it as "we are going to adopt a child" and I told him before we got married, that I cannot marry him if he wants to be a father and this is his out. He said he was already ok with not having kids since he was snipped.
He doesn’t ever need to tell his Mom what’s going on with his bits. It’s none of her business.
I get so triggered by the grandkids thing. I don’t think it’s a right to want that from your kids. And even if you do dream about it, you should never pressure your kids to “give” you grandkids. It’s perverse.
It is gross to me when she asks us "when are you going to start trying for a kid" and I tell her "never" then she says "you're going to change your mind at some point cause (my husband) would be a great father." I just don't continue the conversation, because it's almost every single time we meet we have this same conversation.
Maybe next time say “We’ve already had this conversation and nothing has changed since then. How was your visit with the doctor?”
That way, you’re refusing to even entertain the premise and you’re changing the subject to let her know the conversation is over.
This sounds like the best way to address this thank you for the advice I'll be using this for everyone
No, you just firmly tell her it's not happening. Discussion over.
You're all overcomplicating things.
I have told her many times firmly that I do not and will not have kids and she continues to say that I am going to have kids
"My husband had a vasectomy, I don't want to and will never have kids, learn to live with it."
My mom also wasn't thrilled about it, but now it's no longer a topic.
It's his mom he said he's going to tell her in person just so she can stop harassing me about it
You act like kids doing a bad thing. You are adults for god sake, so what if the family finds out you won t have kids? I would give eveeything just to savour their consternation, live.
Because I have trauma and Noone listens to me when I keep saying it's not happening
Then say it once and thats it.
Yeah but im also tired of people knowing I dont want kids and still talking to me about how I need to get pregnant
I find that “fuck off” works great in these situations.
"If you knew someone really wanted kids and they were pregnant, would you tell them they need to have a miscarriage? No? Of course you wouldn't, it would be terrible to wish for them to have the outcome they fear most, right? So why, knowing I absolutely DON'T want to get pregnant, do you keep wishing for ME to have the thing I would hate happen to me?!"
And then when they start "explaining" why it's different and you should have kids, say, "Now you're just doubling down on the rudeness and making it even worse. Just STOP."
I just stare then walkaway.
That's usually how the conversation ends after I say I don't want kids then the cycle repeats itself for no reason
no one
Okay, so… if it’s no one’s business if your husband got snipped (and that is true), the why is it your aunt’s business if you even have kids at all?
I would look her straight in the eye and ask her why my sex life is on the table for discussion. Should we discuss hers? Or something equally personal, like, “How many times did you poop, today, Aunt Karen?”
“See, Auntie, some shit is private and how we can determine if something is private is if it involves anything in people’s pants. Off the table: what’s in the pants, what is done and with whom, and when and where it’s done with the equipment inside those pants. Hammering at people to procreate solely to your own entertainment is inappropriate. Procreating involves taking off my pants so any discussion thereof is private.
“So can we please butt the fuck out of other people’s pants? Okay? Thanks. “
Because in their mind everyone in the family has kids and since we're married, to them it's like why haven't we had kids yet. Mind you we are broke, we work at a school, we barely have the time for anyone else, I don't like the idea of pregnancy at all, she assumed my husband wanted kids and I was forcing him to not have kids, even though I don't like kids I am great with kids, but thats because it's part of my job to care for kids to get by, my husband is great with kids because he's a gentle person, and I told her motherhood is not something for me or something I want before. They always assume I want kids just because I go out of my way to not be mean to kids, but thats just me trying to show common decency to them cause they didn't asked to be born. I wish it were easy for me to just tell them to fuck off.
I enjoyed his aunt screaming, yelling, trying to tell OP what to do. Then had the wherewithal to say it's no one's business but yours. Priceless!
She even said "kids aren't for everyone" but asked me about it for years
She goes through grief like Homer Simpson
Basically
WTF
?
It is crazy to me that you can get to a point of a screaming match with family because of YOUR life decisions. That shit ain't normal
I dont meant her screaming in a negative way she was just super hyper which lead to her yelling about babies she has 3 kids
Oh. English not your first language? Because screaming definitely means screaming. Some people are so invested in other's people's life's that is wild
I was born and raised in NYC
You talk as if you’re a child yourself, being scolded without any autonomy to choose to avoid it. You’re an adult. When they start this shit, stand up and walk out.
I was raised sheltered most of my life under a narcissistic parent I am still learning how to be an adult dealing with family is complicated sometimes
Understandable. Give yourself a pat on the back. You did well.
Thank you for understanding alot of people have been attacking me as if I never stand up for myself but I do i always say no and I try my best to set boundaries but not everyone will respect my boundaries no matter how much I stick to them
This is really kind of you to say and be understanding. People can forget how trauma affects everybody differently and OP seems to be actively working with surviving through it. It helps to put ourselves in their shoes and imagine how we would feel in their situation 🫂
Thank you for saying this I really appreciate it
Make sure you have your husband's back, it may be a mistake to have blurted it out, but he was at the point he had no other tool to stop that aunt.
Do not fault him for his action, make sure he knows you got his back.
You had to break that egg eventually to stop this nonsense, the sooner the better! Hope that makes the family FINALLY give you peace!
Oh no I don't blame him at all! I was just surprised he actually said it, I did back him though the entire time. Which is why we had a discussion with her and she was understanding it is our life to live.
The aunt is either going to tell, or encourage you to tell,or bring up adoption
If she does I will say no to all of it
If someone scolding my grown ass about not having kids then they'll get banished and banned from my abode for life followed by a barrage of character building adjectives.
The irony that she understands this is no one's business but not wanting children wasn't since she kept pushing it.
They're like npcs who randomly gain consciousness but you never know when it's going to happen. It's really annoying, it took my mom years to finally accept that i was never going to give her grandkids. I told her many times just because she enjoyed being pregnant doesn't mean I will.
Jesus, why are people messing around so much?
If someone bothers you, you just tell them the truth. Either they handle it well and things are great.
Or they spiral out and you cut them out of your life if they can't handle a discussion or respect your choices.
I'm not spending time and effort on people when I then have to pussyfoot around them and lie to not tick them off.
That's sadly how my life has been going so far having to lie about so much crap because people in my family have too many strong emotions about every single fucking thing
If I have to constantly lie to keep someone happy I'm just not going to spend any more time with them.
Should they be at the same family function, just don't talk to them or keep your replies short. "How was your vacation?" "It was nice." (now please bother someone else)
Sadly I live with my mom who is the main person I lie too because we live in NYC and it's insanely expensive to afford a apartment. She has no idea that I'm married, my uncle who owns our building is currently trying to find low income housing for us so that we can get away from her. If nothing turns up or she starts any trouble with us we will move into a shelter in case of an emergency.
Ah, in that case you just tell her what she wants to hear and move out in due time.
If she's as bad as you say you then cut all contact..
Oh I plan on changing my number when I move and telling people to not give out my number to my mom cause when I did move she ended up stalking me
The negativity and downvotes here are weird af. It’s like they never met people who continue to push and argue even after you tell them a firm no, eventually crossing over to yelling if you don’t relent. Not sure how this is on OP for “not acting like an adult.”
Yes, walking out of the conversation was an option but it’s really not that hard to understand why the husband chose to engage? He got irritated at the aunt being obnoxious and snapped back. As if no one here has done this before 🙄
Thank you for this mind you his family is very assertive and they usually dont take no as an answer and I'm very consistent with my boundaries and my stance on kids
Omg I totally get it! My mom is this way. She will continue to have a one sided screaming match at me for literal hours without me saying a single word to her. And no, “just leave” is not always an option cause I have shit I need to get done around the house regardless of someone following me around to yell at me.
Sounds like my mom too people love fighting for no reason especially with family I made my mom spend today by herself too cause I don't feel like having her rage bait me on Christmas over nonsense