I genuinely don’t understand why people feel so comfortable telling others they should have kids or in other cases telling parents that their child “needs a sibling,” especially when it comes from family like moms or grandmas. I’m childfree myself, and hearing this kind of thing makes me deeply uncomfortable.
It feels really invasive and honestly just disgusting. All I hear is people casually commenting on someone else’s sex life and reproductive decisions, but wrapping it up in “family” language so it’s treated like normal small talk instead of something deeply personal.
I don’t get why this is so normalized. Why isn’t that seen as crossing a line? It’s deeply uncomfortable to listen to and I don’t understand how people don’t see how weird it is.
This is still considered as offering advice (un asked for) an observation (un wanted) and done to shame, control and humiliate the young females to follow their elders. I didn’t do that. This was back in the 1970’s . I was CF long before it was heard of. My family ostracized me. I was fine with that. I didn’t want to be around them either. Back then, women had few choices. Marriage and children were the expected life choice. Today, women have the opportunity to attend university, choose a career and become successful and financially independent. Older women are secretly jealous of this. If you encounter these types of bingos, turn it around on them. Ask them why they are so interested in your sex life? Make them uncomfortable. Then inform them that you will live your life the way you want to and not the way someone else thinks you should.
My favorite response to busybodies is either that's awfully personal, that's a personal question, or I don't feel comfortable discussing that. Of course, family can be different. My dad is one of 4 and the only one that had kids. My aunts stayed unmarried and childfree. In an era where like you said it was unheard of. They are now late 60's and early 70's. Active and enjoying life.
I know, right?
You normally wouldn't ask your relatives or friends if they are bonking without protection, but "Are you trying for a baby?" is a completely normal question, huh.
Also, childfree folk aside, there are also plenty of couples who struggle with infertility and questions like these are really hurtful to them. Best to stay out of other people's intimate life in my opinion.
100% agreed!!
I never ask if people have or want kids. They could be childfree by choice, have fertility or health issues, or many other reasons. I never wanted kids. I also have/had multiple health issues. Had a total hysterectomy in my early 30's. I never would have been able to have a child anyway due to stage 4 endo and PCOS. In addition, I have multiple family members with mental health issues, as well as those that had difficult and high risk pregnancies. From a young age the choice was clear to me that kids were not in my future. I'm at the age now where people don't ask me about kids.
They don't question it.
Watched my 3 year old niece get a baby doll for Christmas and pretend to bottle feed it while all the adult women fawned over her and praised her and called her a good little girl.
She doesn't even understand it yet but she knows it's what everyone wants from her. It's an endless cycle of programming.
We are groomed for motherhood from birth. Some of us know how to resist it.
Oh god
It's a cult, the natalist cult. That's what cult members do.
My family did not pressure me to have children. When I was young and told people I would not have children, it was always people who were not my relatives who said I would change my mind when I got older. In many ways, I was fortunate to have the family that I have. I don't know if my parents believed me or not at the time, but they were not obnoxious about the matter.
As for your question, a lot of people are very rude and intrude into other people's lives in ways that they should not. It is best if one can completely cut such people out of one's life, but in cases where one cannot reasonably do so (as, for example, a coworker when one cannot reasonably get a different job), it is often best to not engage with them about such matters and to use the "grey rock" method with them. Their opinions don't matter, so there is no need to discuss it with them or try to persuade them at all. This is also why it is often a good idea not to get too chummy with people at work, as one cannot easily avoid them if things don't go well between you. It is often best to keep business and pleasure separate.
At work it is best to be professional and not overly friendly. Not oversharing is big. Keep your personal life private. I once had a boss that was so private that I only knew their name. No idea where they lived, married or not, kids or no kids, their education, work experience, hobbies, interests, nada. That may be extreme, but there is a good balance.
Yeah I’ve definitely personally been doing the grey rock method for years now, but it doesn’t make the constant questions less uncomfortable. For example, just today I got the same kind of comment from my grandma about how I’ll “have a couple of kids for sure”🙃I know I won’t but it still makes you wonder why people feel the need to say things like that
What is the grey rock method? With family, responses vary widely depending on family dynamics. Either just agree and go along with what they say, or can offer a different response. No one size fits all for family as dynamics vary so much.
Because breeders follow the life script. You need kids because you just do.
Now that lie is coming apart. They don't want to admit they had a choice.
My view is they are jealous of our freedoms.
I have a dear friend, who has one child, she has developed a response to distress the awkward question people. The pressure to have another has just been stupid, and goes to show the rest of us that bowing to the breeder pressure does NOT make it stop!
She starts going on about the shriveled moth balls that are her ovaries, it is a semi-funny half stand up style explanation of her pooooor shriveled and exploited ovaries- in the third person. Sometimes they die a dramatic death in her telling. If the social offense is particularly inappropriate, she has a follow up that includes the symptoms of perimenopause/ menopause and the social ills of tying a woman’s worth to their reproductive abilities.
The long form version can last roughly 10 minutes and makes me laugh-cry. The question offender tends to leave the vicinity very quickly. She finds it ‘better than therapy’.
Sadly, being childfree is seen as against norms and culture, even in liberal and blue areas. This should not be the case, but sadly is.
I absolutely hate it when someone pries into my personal life. I usually respond with “That is none of your business” or “that is private”
If it’s from family I would get “nothing is private between family”😃
...."well then let me tell you aboit my hemmorriods. Where are you going? This is fascinating!"
Because a consumerist society requires an ever increasing number of consumers, and (almost) everyone is indoctrinated, usually by religion, to have children to increase the number of adherents.
Religion is used to feed a consumerist society.
I honestly started considering it their weird fetish, and omg it shuts my family up super fn quick. 😂😂😂
That’s genius😆
Because so.ewhere people decided that each generation had to bigger than the last and everyone had to do their part
I just didn’t engage, and did super gray rock. I made it really awkward. I did this with everyone. Don’t debate, don’t discuss. Just regard them with disbelief. Be super stoic, calm & confident. F59.
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I think part of it is that birth control is a modern invention and traditionally people didn't have such a solid choice. It's just been expected forever
There are ancient recipes for birth control (not that they were all effective, but the intent to prevent pregnancy was certainly there!) and abortifacients (including a recipe for one in the Bible). The earliest birth control method I know of dates back to ancient Egypt.