We started dating young. I was 19, he was 20. Now we’re 26. At the very beginning, I told him clearly that I didn’t want children. He said he wasn’t sure yet. Our relationship was just beginning, we were deeply in love, and I chose not to break up over it right away. I hoped clarity would come with time.
Over the years, I kept asking him if he had made a decision. His answer never changed: “I don’t know.” To be fair, eventually he started adding: “If my uncertainty is hurting you, and you feel like you’re wasting time, I’ll understand if you leave.” I know now that staying was my choice and my responsibility. I didn’t leave because I loved him too much.
This year we talked about this topic again. Same answer. Then, only half year later, out of nowhere, he made me understand that kids are a must-have for him and he can’t live without them. A complete 180. After years of not knowing, suddenly a non-negotiable life requirement.
We broke up. Later, I admitted that maybe in the future I could change my mind, I’m not as strongly against kids as before, but I can’t promise anything. He said that wasn’t enough for him....Still...
And now I can’t stop feeling like our love meant nothing. Like I wasn’t enough. Like I’m worthless to him. How do you walk away from someone after 6+ years?
Maybe I’ll get hate for this, but:
Having children is harder than not having them. Pregnancy would be on me. The health risks would be on me. And I already have fragile health. I also never understood couples who split because they can’t have kids. I used to think, “Then your love wasn’t that strong.”
He even told me: "If you were infertile, I wouldn’t have left you.” So basically
he would’ve accepted a childless life if there were no alternative, but he can’t accept it when the alternative is simply my choice?
He says I’m the best person he’s ever known, and that he doubts anyone will ever love him like I did. He says he’s incredibly happy with me, and that we were great together. Those are his words. Not mine.
Still, he’s choosing the unknown. Leaving for uncertainty. No guarantee of a happy marriage or kids. Just a belief that he needs them someday.
I’m angry...I feel somehow betrayed. I know all emotions are valid...but be honest: am I wrong to feel like this? I need an outside perspective
TL;DR: Dated for 6+ years. I said from the start I didn’t want kids. He stayed unsure the whole time. After years of “I don’t know”, he suddenly said kids are non-negotiable for him. We split. Now I feel hurt and betrayed and can’t understand how he made such a drastic decision after so long. Looking for outside perspective.
TL;DR: Dated for 6+ years. I said from the start I didn’t want kids. He stayed unsure the whole time. After years of “I don’t know”, he suddenly said kids are non-negotiable for him. We split. Now I feel hurt and betrayed and can’t understand how he made such a drastic decision after so long. Looking for outside perspective.
If it’s not an absolute no, it’s a yes.
Even if it’s an absolute no, people are allowed to change their mind about anything at anytime.
And I have met people for whom it was not an absolute no, and they ended up choosing not to have kids in the end anyway.
It's fair for people to say that ambivalence or uncertainty is a dealbreaker, but, in reality, it isn't always a yes.
I'm never going to change my mind about being CF and I'm never going to lie to a person about that. People can change their minds, but they don't have to lie about it for years.
I changed my mind from maybe one kid to completely childfree when i was like 25 (culture always expected it and i didn't really question till i was older). OP and her ex bf are around that age and young, it's not surprising if he did change his mind from ambivalence to this.
We don't know that he actually lied.
Yea doesn’t sound like he lied at all imo he just wasn’t saying what she wanted to hear
Changing your mind is not lying
Based on the post, he didn’t lie. At 20, he said he didn’t know. From 20-25, he said he didn’t know AND told OP if “I don’t know” isn’t enough, she could end the relationship.
Exactly this. There's way too many shitty people who will play the long game and string their CF partners along for years, and there's nothing OK about that.
Good for you. That does not take away other people’s rights to change their minds.
And "I'm not sure" is a valid position to have, which can then go either way, and it isn't "a lie all this time" for someone's mind to change on that front.
True. But that's a hell of a rug to pull out from someone's feet. Not exactly a "I wanted Chinese but changed my mind" kinda thing. Just look at the posts where "CF" partners changed minds 10 years later. You're right, but damn does it fuck the other person over hard.
That’s true but this isn’t just for CF it’s free will and that’s life.
I mean...we're in r/childfree so...I thinks it's fair to presume your comment was about the subject at hand. Obviously people have free will.
Ya I am just reminding people that hey this is life even if someone has an idea it can change tomorrow and we have to accept it no matter how hurtful it is
Exactly. It’s only a betrayal if they lied and are manipulative
They absolutely are but it was never a no with him. It was an idk. To me that’s a yes. I wouldn’t have stayed with someone past that if our futures didn’t align.
told my now ex this… sucks but i literally already have my tubes tied. NOT HAPPENING.
It's not that you didn't "love each other enough", it's just not realistic to think that love is enough by itself.
You could deeply love someone but their long term plans involve becoming a Sherpa on Mt Everest. Or living in a country across the world. Or living in a densely populated city or in a cabin with a homestead. If their life goals are opposite yours there aren't many options for future happiness.
Love isn't compatibility. It's a building block, but it's not the whole foundation. Without compatible life goals the relationship will eventually crumble. Either by letting each other go or till the resentment kills it.
The resentment thing is so real.
off topic but your pfp looked to me like a side profile of a grumpy penguin till I zoomed in on it and saw it was actually a cat resting their chin on a piano
OMG I SAW IT TOO
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Lol 😻😻😻😻😻😹😹😹😹😹
Then why would it be okay for him if she was infertile? We know that people that want kids are not world champions when it comes down to using logic and being rational, but this...
I suspect THAT part wasn't him being completely honest. It's just too cruel to tell a woman "I would leave you if you were infertile." And also, if she were to be infertile, that wouldn't mean they had incompatible life goals. If they both wanted children, but she couldn't then they could explore other options for becoming parents or give up. But the point is that they would be navigating that life goal together. Wanting kids is the ultimate compatibility issue. It's not the same as one person liking the mountains and the other liking the city (this is my husband and I and we just split our time between both). Having kids or not is a zero sum goal. One person compromises, the other doesn't. Resentment is unavoidable.
So he can be okay with not having kids but only if it's a biological reason and not if it's a choice? I don't know man...
Yes. What thought_sitter said makes perfect sense.
Even if you can’t reach the goal, the point would be for them to work toward that shared goal together, whether that’s trying IVF or adoption or whatever. He could still decide to leave for someone who can have kids if none of that worked out, but ultimately lots of people stay with their infertile partners despite both of them wanting kids.
The point is, he would rather be with someone who is actively pursuing children than someone who is against having them at all. Life is not perfect and sometimes our calculated plans don’t work out, no matter how perfectly we think we prepared or planned it.
Hopefully OP can find a lovely childfree man to be with in her next relationship.
In that case yes, clearly that’s the logic the bf is using. Childfree is a choice, whereas infertility is out of one’s control, and he would accept it in that scenario I don’t agree with it of course, but that’s most likely what he meant
Potato brain logic
Because if the reason she couldn't have kids was because of infertility, then he would be open to adopting kids with her. I think that's probably the idea he had in mind.
But she doesn't want kids, whether biological or adopted.
He would definitely leave her if she was infertile... hes kidding himself
I doubt he knew this, but this should be common knowledge.. infertile does not mean you can't get pregnant.. sterile means you can't reproduce. infertile means it's more difficult
Because a voluntary decision is different from a "I have no choice", a person telling me "I can't have cats because I'm allergic" would be different from one saying "I don't want to have cats because I dislike them", and if I was the allergic one and never able to have a cat, I would still never be with someone who says "I dislike cats", it doesn't matter if I was never going to have one anyway.
Also, if the problem was infertility that possibly means he would want to try treatments or maybe adoption.
He's either lying about being okay with being infertile, or the reason why he's breaking up with her.
Yes. This is so true. Love isn’t enough. But without love everything is just void and meaningless
Happy cake day.
Yes! This is a little bit of a tangent but the reason I keep yelling about how important it is to live together before marriage is that being in love does not magically make you compatible as roommates. It doesn't make your life goals compatible either and kids in particular are impossible to compromise on.
It’s not that you aren’t enough, it’s that you’re fundamentally incompatible with each other. He didn’t betray you, he was honest with you when he had an answer other than “I don’t know”. You were dating a fence sitter which notoriously have high breakup rates due to differing reproductive choices. If he would have accepted it if you were infertile, he either would’ve left after a few more years, or he would have stayed and resented you.
I know it’s painful but there’s no happy ending with him.
Yea this is a big incompatibility. One of the major ones on life.
People have left a 10+ year relationship (when they had kids together) because their partner didn’t want to get married. Or to move to another area/country. Or they didn’t aspire to the same lifestyle (which kids can also come into).
They have much of the same fears your ex does: scared of not finding someone who’ll love them again, scared of stepping into the unknown, scared of giving up what’s essentially “good enough” just to end up alone. But you’re never going to find your person if you don’t take the plunge.
Yet many of those people do forge their own paths and once time goes on, many are happy that they took the plunge to breakup and search for what they really want out of a relationship.
You say your ex was obsessed with kids. Well, in many forums they say “if it’s not a hell yes, don’t have kids.” In the childfree world, if kids arent a strong “fuck no, then find another person to date.”
You guys started dating young. Early 20s is when the reality of life hits, you meet more people across generations and you start coming to terms about what you really want in your life. He has figured it out and has let you know once he did. He also gave you every opportunity to leave this relationship if his fence sitting was a dealbreaker, which it should have been for you. But you can only live and learn. And start this next quarter century of your life more intentional in your dating choices.
Your mistake was dating a fencesitter. NEVER do that. It's just too risky.
Most people don't really know at 19 or 20. Some do, but that's not the majority.
I knew. It took a girlfriend pranking me with false positive pregnancy test voicemail to get serious and get fixed. Knowing what I know now I would have done it much sooner.
This guy could be the greatest guy in the world but you can’t undo a kid.
i feel like a lot of people miss this part
"just try it", as if a whole human being is an item you can just return for store credit??
I feel like most childfree people know early on. At least from talking to other CF people.
Regardless, even if it decreases your current dating pool, it needs to be a dealbreaker even if you’re 18. If you know, you know. There are other people at 18 who know too, so wait for them, stay single, or have some casual fun.
You’re just asking for heartache doing it any other way.
Yeah but it's a active ongoing conversation they were having. He also gave her multiple outs by saying that she could leave. She should have left
If you do, that not sure what the problem is. If not, figure your own shit out first.
Yeah i have a little empathy for OP’s partner. Who really knows anything at 19??
Yeah that's understandable what about their conversations when they were 20 21 22 23 24 25. They talk about having multiple conversations where they even gave Op and out and told them they could be the relationship.
It’s also totally reasonable for people to change their mind. I wanted kids when I was 18/19. Obviously that has changed and I’m 31. I am certain my mind won’t change again, but if by some crazy chance that it does when I’m 35, it’s reasonable. Humans change their minds all the time.
And if you do, you have to understand the reality that they may say yes to wanting children and how you want to navigate after that.
While OP may have been okay with a fence sitter, they likely only had the expectation that their partner would say no (I could be wrong about my assumption) since their partner knows that OP doesn't want childre.
? Explain this logic to me. By definition, a fencesitter dosnt know what they fuck they want. Why would you assume they would say no? We have an assload of posts here where CF people thought their fencesitter partners would eventually say no. Guess how many actually did.
They either finally decided, and figured the CF person would change their mind, or they were always a yes, said they were a fencesitter, knew they wanted kids, and lied to get into the op's pants/change their mind.
Well, for starters, maybe bc there are so many excellent reasons NOT to have kids. And so few even halfway decent reasons TO have kids!
When you think about that, it suddenly makes sense that someone young, who hasn't had the benefit of hanging out here and reading the same sad story time and time again, would be optimistic that the person they love would, y'know, make the SENSIBLE choice!
Again, OP and many/most of the others here with the same sad story almost certainly weren't following this sub or any other childfree space back at that point in time. Or at least not regularly.
We have absolutely no way of knowing that. By definition that's not the life-changing event that the fencesitting partner wanting to breed is. Continuation of the status quo is just... Tuesday. And deciding life without kids is good is what the CF partner hoped/believed would eventually happen anyway. Very few ppl feel the need to post about life continuing as they expected it to!
Tbf he always was open about it. Some people just don't know until a certain age and that's just how it is. He never lied and said he was cf. But that doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. It's okay to feel the way you feel. You will never 100% know with the people you date, even the ones who're adamantly childfree can change their minds, sadly.
And to answer the question why he wouldn't have left you if you were simply infertile: Infertility doesn't necessarily mean the end of potential parenthood. There's still the option of adopting and fostering kids. And even if that doesn't work out, he could still bond with you over the loss of potential parenthood. Look at it this way: sometimes it's not about what we can or can't have but how we feel about these things - you wouldn't want to date an infertile person who still dreams of having kids, right?
In the end, sometimes it just doesn't work out and that's okay. Sometimes the reason is different plans for the future, other times it's something else. Don't be too hard on yourself and your ex.
Thank you. I think you cleared something up. But when I spoke about adoption he also refused. Like, I tried to find a compromise, but adoption is not an option for him. I don't get this obsession with kids. Seems like he has obsession. But ok, I will try to move on. Thank you again.
If you're child free, adopting a kid is NOT a compromise. You should not have a child unless you are 100% on board, not just to "compromise" with a partner who wants kids. You shouldn't have offered that to begin with.
It’s not an obsession, it’s his own normal desire to have his own biological children.. don’t villainize the dude for telling you how he felt this whole time..
My ex said adoption was on the table when we started dating the a few years in said no way. I would not have dated him if that was the case. Honest communication and faith make all relationships hard. Give yourself grace time will heal and counseling can help.
"I don't know" does not equal "no". He didn't betray anything. He finally decided what he wanted. Don't date people who are unsure.
And this is why we say “I don’t know” means yes. There was no 180.
I don't blame you for feeling this way. You invested a ton of time and energy into this relationship. You did the right thing in not caving to his desire for kids. Kids would change your life far more than his, and you would end up extremely unhappy and resentful.
That said, I don't see him as an asshole in this either. You got together young. I find it believable that he has been honest with you about not being sure until now and deciding now, at 26, that he wants kids. Sometimes people grow apart. It sucks, but it does happen even when neither person is awful.
It's nice to see a sane and compassionate response here.
I agree with this. I’ve been in the ‘I don’t know’ camp for over 10 years. I wasn’t lying, I simply wasn’t sure. It’s okay not to know until you do.
Men want a child the same way kids want a pet
I’m not trying to be harsh - but yes you are wrong.
He told you for 6 years he wasn’t sure and would understand if that was a dealbreaker for you.
Going from I’m not sure to yes is not changing your mind. It’s making it up.
He don’t betray you. He was honest from the get go. 20-26 seems about the right age to figure it out if you don’t know (as he stated to you).
In the future - you should treat anyone that isn’t a hard no on kids as if they are a likely some day.
Yea, it baffled me to read that he said so many times he said I don't know and then it turned into him doing a complete 180 and absolutely wanted them. A 180 would have been i don't want them to I do want them instead of I'm on the fence and not sure to picking a side.
He was honest from the start about being unsure one way or the others and then picked. He picked different, but he still picked and was honest. It's better to split then somebody resent the other.
More of a 90 than a 180.
Exactly.
I'm with you on this one. Going from "I'm not sure" to "I absolutely want kids" is not a 180, more like a 45.
Some people know sooner, some people know later, but you can't really blame the guy for taking from 20 to 26 to figure it out for certain. That sounds just about the right age.
I never wanted kids, but only at 34 was I so certain to get snipped.
Exactly.. I’m sorry baffled and feel bad how little sympathy I feel
We said
It wasn’t really a 180, though. Like at all. He’s been avoiding a real answer for a long time, so it was never “no kids” for him. I’m really sorry, OP.
He was young and he told you the truth, that he was unsure. You decided to stay. When he figured it out, he told you. I know it hurts, but he did nothing wrong.
There's the saying "I don't want to be a mom, but I'd love to be a dad" for a reason. I may get a lot of hate for this but I think it's a lot easier to be a Maybe when your human body isn't the one being risked.
Understandable that you feel betrayed, but it sounds like you both just solidified decisions, unfortunately in opposing directions. Sending peace your way because I know this is hard.
I've joked before that I would consider having kids if I could be the dad. It's so much easier to "want kids" (ie want to be there for the kodak moments but otherwise have your life change very little) when it's not your body and your career on the line.
Yeah I always felt like being a dad would be fun. Being a mom though? Hell nuh
It sounds like he was using the “I want kids” thing as an excuse to ditch the relationship. If anyone felt that strongly about having kids they would have known the entire time (so it’s either he knew and was lying, or wanted an excuse). OP you deserve better.
This is my instinct as well. Some men (yes I'm specifically calling out male fencesitters) see this as a way for you to be the cause of the breakup.
This did cross my mind too, especially in light of the fact that he's been saying to her for quite a while now that if she needed to end the relationship bc of his "uncertainty," he'd understand.
I agree
I mean this in the kindest, and softest way possible. But yes you are wrong. You knew that you did not want children, and you dated someone who was uncertain, which means you cannot be shocked that he decided he did want them.
If he had said he didn't want children and you would put on the same page from the beginning I would be on your side but this man made it clear for 6 years that he wasn't sure where his desire was. Realistically, you should have broken up with him as soon as he said he wasn't sure, because why would you stay in a relationship with someone who isn't sure they share your values??
I'm sorry that you're hurting and I hope that you will find someone who's on the same page as you. I know how much it hurts to be with someone and love them and find out that you don't want the same things.
43 y/o married woman here.
I'm so sorry this has happened. I think it's absolutely insane for this guy to admit no one will love him like you did and then leave the relationship. Love like that doesn't happen that often. He's an idiot to walk away from you.
A lot of men have this romanticized idea of what having kids would be like, but that's cuz they don't pay the cost like women pay... And literally we pay in every way. Career, financial stability, health mentally physically the whole thing, then the breast feeding and sleepless nights, hormones, fatigue, birth, pain, and we give up our lives. It's why it's easier for them to walk away. Not all men of course, but a lot men.
It hurts right now really bad I'm sure. Your feelings of betrayal are valid.
BUT your overall life quality will be much much better if you do what you want, not have kids, and lose this relationship than if you compromised and had kids with him to keep him. You probably know that but maybe hearing it from someone else helps. It's a really shitty reality, but you are better off without him if kids are a no go for you.
You'd have kids, regret it. You'd fall out of love with the guy real fast because your life quality would be so poor and you'd resent him big time.
Also this is a hellish thing but gotta say it. Many men change after kids... I've seen a handful of dads ride to the occasion and be great, but I've seen a lot of other dads take this path where sure maybe they were a little irresponsible and moody before a kid to those characteristics being greatly exaggerated after kids. So this fun loving guy who gets grouchy sometimes turns into a piece of shit who plays video games all day, can't hold down a job, and yells at you and the kids a lot. You don't know how this guy would be with kids. Sure, we'd like to think "oh how would he ever act like that" but I've seen it happen SO OFTEN.
Again, not all men. I know awesome dads.... Just not that many.
It's SUCKS right now but you are dodging a whole atom bomb.
THIS. EXACTLY. EVERY WORD.
Translated to:
“I’ve decided I don’t want to be with you and this is the easiest excuse/way to get out of this relationship.”
That was mean.
It wasn’t mean. People will take very intimate conversations and thought processes and use them later on as excuses to exit a relationship in order to cast blame on the other person.
After 6 years, “They just didn’t want kids and I do” sounds a lot better than, “I cheated, found someone else I like better, and I don’t want to be with them anymore.”
It happens more than you think. It’s not a jab towards OP.
This happened to me, albeit not about the kids issue. We thankfully weren't far enough along to have that conversation. But it was very hurtful the way I was ditched for a completely BS reason, when the real reason turned out to be... he'd met someone else at work, and couldn't think of any better way to dump me. (:
I'm grateful now that it happened, because he obviously lacked maturity, and in the long run it helped me do some growing up myself. But it was a huge blow to my self-worth at the time, and damaged my confidence for a long time afterwards.
You’re right to stick to your convictions but you probably shouldn’t feel betrayed. People will change their minds on things through life.
I think not having children is harder than having them. Because we're pressured into having them our entire lives.
You're right only in the very short-term sense that caving in to the pressure is easier than standing up to it.
BUT it's the most classic case imaginable of "buy now, pay later." The relief of falling in line with social expectations is brief, and it's nothing compared to the absolute soul-sucking, potentially lifelong grind you're enlisting for. At least if you're the woman in the equation.
Yeah, you're right.
I still think it’s harder to have children than to not, despite having to constantly defend ourselves. I mean, that’s a huge reason people choose not to have them. We don’t want to deal with how being a parent makes life a million times more difficult. Even though I have had a hard life, kids on top of all that would have been way harder, lol.
I was purely speaking on the decision to have some, versus not have some.
You need to be mentally strong to stay steadfast in the decision to not have some.
If you're fertile and sleeping with the other sex, you're probably facing an abortion or two during an entire lifetime. Since contraceptives fail, over time. Meaning it's not a passive decision, you have to stay on top of it and actively decide to end pregnancies.
And the whole time there's a chorus of breeders telling you to just have that baby. Telling you you'll be lonely if you never have kids. It's so magical. Bla bla.
It's really tricky to stay steadfast.
It's easy to give in and have the baby.
I definitely agree with that. Somehow saying yes to being a parent even when they don’t plan or even want kids all that much seems to be way too easy for those people. It does take a lot of effort to remain childfree, you’re right. Currently going through the process of seeking sterilization so that we no longer have to worry at all about that and yes, the road blocks are around every turn! Thanks for clarifying, you’re so right.
I’d rather deal with pressure than kids themselves. My family accepted my decision.
I can understand what you mean. But I mean shitload of responsibility if you have children....Not when you don't have them. And especially for men it's different than for women.
Yeah, I see what you're saying.
Realistically, it’s good you broke up, he didn’t do anything wrong by deciding and you’re not wrong for feeling how you feel, but next time, don’t date someone who isn’t a hard “no way” on kids. It’ll save you a bit of trouble. And you kinda can’t blame him for not knowing at 19-20 because plenty of people don’t. But again you aren’t wrong for feeling a bit betrayed that he gave up a loving relationship for hypothetical kids. Lots of men tend to do that because they know that having them will give them a status boost, but won’t really change their lives. Seeing as most hetero relationships the woman is the primary carer of the kids and she has the burden of pregnancy and childbirth, he thinks he’ll get to be “Kodak Dad” with the parenting bar in hell for men, & a body that hasn’t been destroyed by literal childbirth. 🙄
You’re allowed to feel betrayed just as he is allowed to change his mind. Feeling betrayed doesn’t necessarily mean he betrayed you. It’s a tricky distinction, but at the end of the day that doesn’t matter much because your task remains the same: grieving and healing from this pain.
Not sure = yes
Yup. I dated a lot of fence sitters in my 20s and 30s.
Not one went CF and all have multiple kids.
Fence sitting bastard. He thought he’d get you good and hooked, and then try to manipulate you into it. At Christmas no less. What a tool bag.
I'm sorry you are hurting. He was honest with you and, with that, I don't think he betrayed you. You knew the risk and he even acknowledged how the uncertainty could impact you and the relationship. Early to mid-twenties is an appropriate time to figure out what you want. Sometimes it even takes a bit longer.
I know you are hurting, but it isn't that he doesn't love you or the past 6 years don't mean anything. It's that he loves himself, too, and is giving himself the opportunity for the life he wants, a life he won't regret. I say this perspective because I would, undoubtedly, say the same thing if the roles were reversed (someone who ended the relationship because they don't want kids).
That being said, the end of a long term relationship is really hard and I'm sorry. I know that you will be able to look back and be thankful you didn't try to negotiate with one another for another 10, 15, or 20 years. You both deserve to live the lives you want and be happy. In the meantime, it's a large loss you'll have to grieve. 💜
He told you in no uncertain words that he didn’t know. Then he told you that you can leave if you need a definite answer which you didn’t and then he finally gave you a definite answer that you had requested. He did everything right, you chose to either gamble with hope or ignore it. He didn’t betray you in any way.
Yes, it’s sad. And had he told you in the beginning that he firmly didn’t want kids then you could be annoyed with him about it but even then people are allowed to change their minds about big life altering decisions.
You do not ask someone to choose between you and kids. You simply conclude you are no longer a match and move one. We’ve all been there.
This is why you NEVER date people who are not fully screened and CF.
You need to screen THEM upfront, without revealing you are CF, and before dating or fucking.
This person OBVIOUSLY would never pass the CF screening in a million years. So you should never have even done anything beyond talk to him a few minutes to screen him and then run.
NEVER date "don't know", fencessiters, unsure, ok "either way," etc.
If you do not screen, then you will indeed waste years giving free sex to breeders who will dump you as soon as they find their babymomma.
To them you are just a free, no-strings hole they are entitled to use.
That’s not a a 180 imo and I’m sorry this happen but that’s the risk you took by dating someone who was unsure. Yall were practically still teens when you started dating. From what you’ve explained it sounded pretty clear where his mind was at and you were just hoping he’d choose to be childfree and maybe he was hoping you’d change your mind as well. Either way imo this isn’t betrayal by any means. Just the consequences of dating someone unsure. 🤷🏻♀️
You’re welcome to feel betrayed but if I don’t know wasn’t a good enough answer for you then you should not had tolerated it. What do you want and then find a person who wants the same thing. You have plenty of time still.
Your pain is real. 6 year relationship ending will hurt just about anyone.
He simply realized he really wanted kids. If you don’t think he was lying about being unsure then it’s just an unfortunate situation.
Personally I think those that are unsure after the age of like 21 are….. well I don’t want to be judgmental and say stupid… but…. I’d personally never trust it. But think of it like this, the worst time to find out you’re incompatible is a week after you find out you’re incompatible.
You both took a gamble and you both lost. But you left the casino before you ruined your life with gambling debt. (I’m trying a to do a metaphor but maybe it’s not landing).
Ugh, yeah. Guys say "I don't know" and "It doesn't matter" until suddenly one day it does and he's tired of waiting around for you to agree to have kids LiKe WoMeN aRe sUpPoSeD tO. Been there, done that, got blamed for the breakup even though I was honest from the beginning.
But I learned - when getting to know a guy, anything less specific from him than "I don't want kids, ever" got a "You don't seem sure, we're not compatible, good luck" from me until the day I met my husband.
Honestly it's best for you to just move on from this. It's not easy but this man clearly does not value you; saying he wouldn't have left if you were infertile is proof positive he does not take your heath concerns seriously, and he does not take you as a person seriously. Maybe he did at the beginning, but something has gone wrong in his brain and it's not your job to fix it.
Regardless of why, the point is that he would not be telling you these things if he truly loved you and wanted to keep you in his life as a partner. He wants to use you to produce children more than he wants to be in a romantic relationship with you, which is more than enough reason to stop having anything to do with him.
He said he doesn’t know. It could be a yes. He didn’t betray you, he just didn’t know yet and was open with that
I don't know can bteak the heart of CF or child hopeful people. Lots of things can break a relationship. They were as honest as they could be. It doesn't always work out.
While I totally get the frustration and resentment you're going through - which is normal after a breakup, feel what you need to feel, it'll take some time to get over it - you're simply not compatible long-term and he was honest with you from the very beginning, even when you were still so young, so try to give him some grace.
And personally, I don't think any loving relationship is ever wasted. I'm sure you grew and changed in a positive way because of experiencing it and that will accompany you your entire life :)
Don’t go with someone says I don’t know in this very important topic.
If they’re not willing to snip, they don’t mean it
33F, voluntarily never dating/having sex again so take my advice with a grain of I do not date salt.
You're not wrong to feel betrayed, but at the same time you did know that he was a fence sitter. Nothing can be done about it now, so learn from it. Next time date a man who's actually childfree. It sounds harsh, but that's honestly just what I would do in your situation. ❤️ Either way, I'm sorry he's an asshole.
Yeah, that's the risk of dating someone who did not made up his mind.
But those 6 yeats spend together were joyful one, i hope. It's not wasted time if you had fun, use the experience for the future!
If he said he doesn't know, there was a possibility that he'd want kids
Why do men always "need" children? Is this some ego bs? 'Muh legacy'? Kids aren't a legacy, they are new people. They want kids but they never want to care for them. I don't get it.
Kids are mid
Fencesitters will almost always disappoint you in the end.
And this is why we tell people over and over to not date fencesitters.
I’m sorry you’re going through this op.
But this is why you have these conversations as early as possible and don’t date fence sitters.
He likely always wanted kids but was smitten with you, then fell in love with you, and wanted to see if that would eventually change his feelings about kids, because things in the moment were just too good to leave.
But now he’s older and needs to really start thinking about his future and can’t keep trying to fool himself. He’s likely known kids were non-negotiable for a while now but had to collect the strength to leave a good relationship, and then collect strength to hurt you by finally telling you the truth.
I don’t think it was an intentional lie or betrayal. I think it just took him a long time to come to terms with what he wanted and what was ultimately more important to him.
But in heartache, I would definitely feel much like you do now. So I understand.
Just take it as a hard learned lesson. My general rule was to talk about being CF at least before or during the first date as to not waste anyone’s time or allow feelings to develop and cloud my better judgement. And I would accept no answer but enthusiastically childfree.
If my partner was male, I also wanted him to be very open to getting a vasectomy or already having one, as that really seemed to separate the liars and lovesick from the truly CF guys.
My partner tested my standards by saying he was truly fine either way, and his ex-fiancee before me had 100% wanted kids, which he was on board with. So his answer seemed kind of unbelievable to me. I then asked him whether he’d consider a vasectomy if we ended up dating long term, and he was 100% on board. So I cautiously proceeded with him.
He scheduled a vasectomy completely on his own the day the anti-abortion Heartbeat act passed in Texas (our state) a year before Dobbs and Roe fell. All doubt was settled permanently then.
We’ve been together over a decade, and he’s still happily childfree, although we do act as emergency fosters. It allows us to help kids in need for a few nights or a week now and then (both of us love kids 4+), but still essentially maintain a CF lifestyle.
Anyway, it’s important to realize that people will say things in the beginning to manipulate you, while others will say things they don’t actually mean because they are completely clouded by the dopamine rush of new love. They’re so infatuated with you that they convince themselves they’ll change their mind about wanting kids.
You’ve gotta look for someone certain, unwavering, and willing to do something about it eventually (vasectomy). That last thing really tends to cause the manipulators to falter and wakes up those who are clouded by new relationship energy.
It never failed me when I was still dating - and all the men who passed the vasectomy “test” (hate calling it that lol) who I dated are all still childfree today with other partners.
You’re going to be okay. This is the best thing for both of you. I promise.
Sorry but I see nothing wrong with this. This is why your 20s are for you to figure yourself out - your life, your wants, your nonnegotiables. People should not be making life changing decisions before their brains are fully formed. I applaud him for being honest with himself in this decision. If kinds aren’t an enthusiastic hell yes from both parties, then they’re a no.
Okay, but he leaves me for a weak chance he will find something like we had. He even says it himself, it will be hard for him to find someone like me and people like me are rare. I don't want to sound like I'm praising myself, but those are really his words. So all of it means nothing if he has small chance to have happy marriage with kids? Bruh
Last year my ex and I broke up after 5 years, I was (and still am) always solidly on the no kids line, he said he didn’t want them either until he ended it saying he did. It has taken almost an entire year for me to get past the “why wasn’t I enough” and “my love/our love meant nothing” feelings and thoughts. It is not easy to get past, but it will happen eventually (I know easier said than done and right now it doesn’t feel real) I’m still not certain I want to even entertain the idea of ever dating again because I don’t want to risk ending up in the same situation again. Through lots of therapy I am learning and starting to believe that loving and having loved someone is never a waste, the time and the memories are something we won’t get back but that’s a good thing, who we are today wouldn’t be the same if we didn’t have the experience of knowing and loving the person.
He didn’t do a 180, he told you form the beginning. Never date someone that hasn’t 100% decided they don’t want kids - it’s only going to lead to heartache down the road.
Nah. He sat on the fence till he thought your fondness for him would override your desire to never have kids. Sunk cost fallacy. Good thing you didn't fall for it.
You're not wrong for feeling betrayed. Your feelings are valid, especially when it comes to such a sensitive and life changing decision within a partnership. I'm really sorry this happened, OP. Sending gentle hugs your way 🫂💜
A bit of unsolicited advice; if you're 100% CF, never ever date someone again who's a fence-sitter as that's a recipe for disaster. If it isn't a hard "no, I don't want kids either" they will switch up on you sooner or later. No "maybe", "I'm unsure", "whatever happens, happens" — only a hard "no, never" are a safe bet in dating. Sure, they can switch up on you too, but the chance definitely decreases massively.
Fwiw, if he was the right person for you, he would've been CF too. But he isn't. You two simply aren't compatible when it comes to the most important decisions in life and your partnership. It really hurts like a bitch right now and takes a hell of a time to process, but I can promise you that your person is still out there.
Solely focus on healing your battered heart now, and be grateful that you're able to live your best CF life on your own terms. 💜
I will never ever understand anyone who would throw away a great relationship like this. I just can't wrap my head around it.
I feel just the same. Btw, he doesn't know if he ever find love like this.
That's exactly it. Amazing partnerships don't grow on trees.
I agree with you that his behaviour of going from not sure to absolutely certain is akin to a 180. Yes flipping from I don't want kids to I do want kid is maybe "more" of a 180 comparatively, but the suddenness and the certainty would feel completely like a 180 and a betrayal of what you have built together.
What I think you are missing is an honest testimony from him on exactly how and why he changed his mind. I think that would give your brain something concrete to anchor on and justify his decision. I agree with your feeling here, people do not just suddenly make up their minds and make such a drastic decision. Something happened to him to get him to this space. And I think if you knew the full story your brain could rest again. You may not like the answer but at least it will make sense to you.
Without a concrete story of cause and effect, the brain starts to runinate and reverse engineer all the possible stories that brought him to this drastic decision. There are many of these causal chains and without an honest testimony from him, you will never know and that is what is eating you up now.
To demonstrate what I mean, these are the types of chains that could account for the abruptness of his decision:
He has been thinking a lot about it over the last 6 months and slowly became more and more certain. This is maybe the least useful and most avoidant answer. You should ask for a lot more details if this is his answer. I wouldn't accept shoulder shrugging, fuzzy, kinda-, sorta-, not sure-, just-... answers. He has a real story, get him to tell it.
He had a sudden positive emotional experience. He saw a flash of his future in someone else. A dad playing ball with his son in the park, or a family out for a picnic together, anything that triggers a raw instinct of being a parent, raising that child and finding deep spiritual meaning in his life.
He had a negative emotional experience. He saw an old man dying alone and afraid, perhaps in a movie, perhaps advice from that old man himself. He saw life as an office drone and no light at home to give him a purpose.
He had a spiritual experience, he took a hallucinogenic, he had a vivid dream, he at a religious event and it moved him. People reflect on family and their future at year end and around Christmas, perhaps someone flipped in his head.
You mentioned your health was fragile. I'm not sure how severe your condition is, but it there is a chance you die an early death from your condition, that may feel very scary to him. He's getting older and realising people aren't immortal, they do die, and your passing would leave him alone. His story of children then would be partially true - he wants the best chance of a family that persists until his own death.
And there's always the ugly option, he found someone else and wants a guiltless way to break up with you.
There are many more possible scenarios. Only he can settle this. If you are still on good terms, if he truly respects you and is amenable to telling you the truth even if it's got darkness in it, then asking him for that true account may give you the peace and closure to close the book on this.
I don't believe he just one day woke up and his mind was changed. This isn't how people work. There is always a story behind a decision like this.
My final observation relates to that comment about how he would stay with you if you were infertile. That is a stoic decision and comes from deep loyalty to a moral value, or it comes from guilt, or it's not true (either a lie or an unfalsifiable claim - either way it's a safe thing to say). As you have already realised, it doesn't logically follow and once again you could probe him on this further to get to the truth.
All of this is irrelevant if you can come to terms with his decision and let it go. But if it's eating you up, resolving some of these questions I think will help you finally move on.
Merry Christmas if you celebrate this occasion. I wish you a wonderful future life, you sound like a good person worthy of love.
He was very likely just not ready to have kids at a young age and thought you might change your mind. Neither one of you have done anything wrong. You just want different things. You cant spend a lifetime with someone who wants a vastly different life. It takes a lot more than love to make a marriage / lifetime commitment work
Yes people do change their minds, the fact that you previously cognitively chose to go with that uncertainty, doesn't mean your emotional response to the reality of it should be suppressed now. You are grieving him, the relationship and the future you thought you would have. Allow yourself to grieve, and sometimes that comes with some negative thinking like nothing makes sense or there was no meaning to it. But that's part of your emotional processing. Good to hold space for it, and then pull yourself back to reality.
The reality is: your time together definitely had meaning to it. Do you think relationships that end are completely useless? Because in that case you might want to skip relationships altogether; most of them don't last. You find meaning in the time you spent together, the good memories, the lessons you learned.
He is choosing an unknown over you, and you're taking this personally. Don't hurt yourself like that. Love is important and part of the mix, but it really never is enough on its own. You need compatible goals and lifestyles to make it long term. You were quite young when you got together, so it's also not the strangest thing that you are both still evolving and discovering yourselves. And as a consequence, you may have turned out too different to be compatible. Being mismatched doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of you.
The way I see it is that no relationship is a "waste of time". Especially for us childfree. They simply run their course, you learn your lessons and either you stay together or you move on.
"If you were infertile I wouldn't have left you." I feel some doubt about that. If you got yourself sterilised years ago he'd have had to face facts that you would definitely not have kids. If he's been a fencesitter all this time that might have knocked him off
Sad to hear that. I know its not a consolation but women like you should be cherished haha. Peace
Can you please explain why they should be cherished? Genuine question :)
Hey, I didn't expect an answer! Haha. But what I meant was that from my perspective its reeealy hard to find an honest childfree girl that is so open about this from the beginning. So, I'm really sad all this has happened to you and truly wish you a great partner in the future :)
You’ll be happier without him than you would be with him and children.
He didn't change his mind, he made it up. You had to know that this was a possibility
That s why relationships when young usually don t work. Sorry for your loss, you have plenty of time to find the one OP, i found her at 32. Next time, if it s not a straight no, i would skip. " dont know" usually means not now, but probably later.
I don't know if you're wrong but I'd say that he is not wrong. He didn't say he won't want kids he said he didn't know. He was very young and it's normal he didn't know yet. He had the right to choose later in life what he wants. He has just one life and he doesn't see a life without kids. It's his right.
What I don't like is how he wouldn't leave you if you were infertile. So it's about your choice or having kids? Would you be OK with adoption? Or it got to be biological. That's a bit messed up.
I’m scared this is my future. I’m tearing up with my bf next to me sleeping. I don’t think we’ll be together forever like I thought. He keeps saying I don’t know and maybe he will change his mind. I won’t. I’ve been the same since I was 13. Im 33 now. I hope you’re okay and I’m sorry for everything that has happened
I'm sorry that my post happened to be in your feed and now you are upset 😔. But you see, this situation has no solution. I hope for the best of you.
"he doubts anyone will ever love him like I did"
He should have said "I will never love anyone like I love you"
Very telling on his personality and when you are healed you might see that there was more in your relationship than wasn't working than incompatibility with kids.
I got your point. But he really LOVES me. He says that he doubts that he will ever lose his feelings for me. And he is really supportive, caring, he did for me so many things, really. He was for me at the time no one was. He helped me survive death of my father, he helped me with job...He is such a sweet soul.
He always knew he wanted kids, he was just hoping that you would change your mind eventually.
He didn’t do “a complete 180”, he was in the middle and he made his decision. He also gave you an out you decided not to take. The betrayal you feel is one you did to yourself. Here’s the thing, this is perfectly normal for people your ages. Yall were so young when you started dating that it makes perfect sense it took 6 years for him to come to that decision. The problem here is you were perfectly certain and took the risk to stay with someone who could’ve chosen either way. This exact situation is what you risked when you chose to stay. Grieve him. Cry. Take your time. You will move on eventually. And next time you’ll know to leave someone who is uncertain.
you were both very young when you started dating - people are saying it was your mistake to date a fencesitter, but people rarely do everything right in their first relationships. the most important thing is that now you have that wisdom to only date those who are very clearly childfree. give yourself time to heal from this heartbreak. i wish you all things good ❤️
Ehh I’m sorry you’re going through this but after the first idk I wouldn’t made that relationship just a FWb or ended it as obviously not aligned in long term goals. He was saying idk to bid his time assuming you’d change your mind.
Meh you hurt your own feeling. Should have broken up sooner. He didnt do a 180. You just didn't listen to him. Yall have been incompatible from the start.
So from your point of view people who don't know shouldn't start relationships? Because you call his uncertainty and my decision incompatible. But he also could have decided to not have children. How can you call this incompatible?
Yes ultimately you guys were not on the same page from the beginning. You didn't want kids and he was undecided. You we're not compatible from the beginning. The only way you would have been compatible is from the moment he said no I do not want kids then you start dating. You guys were never compatible.
You are incompatible because you claim to be child free and therefore you made a huge mistake staying with someone for years who would not commit either way which is likelier to end up wanting children. You are now trying to represent this as some sort of devastating betrayal when that isn't actually true
You gambled 6 years and you lost.
With all respect, but I don't think I lost these years. I was in love and I received a lot of love and support. But why I feel it as betrayal because I don't understand even if you want children after all these years you decide to quit? I don't understand why love isn't enough for people. After all, children are fruit of love but what was first is you two. They just born eventually. I feel it as betrayal the whole idea of love if you prefer.
I realize that staying with him was my choice and I don't blame him for it.
You aren't wrong. A lot of guys enter relationships and expect to change the woman's mind over time. It sucks it was basically a waste of 6 years but he was gaslighting you the entire time
Love is only one important component in a successful marriage.
Respect, mutual values and shared views on how to live a happy joint day-to-day life are also fundamental to a long term partnership. Love is just the oil that keeps logistics running more smoothly.
This was his choice. It impacts you, of course, but this is a “I changed my mind about one of my core values” decision, not an “I can’t live with this other terrible human anymore” decision.
If he’d changed his mind about what kind of car he wanted to drive, or what he wanted to do for a living, you could have worked through that. This particular core value is a deal-killer. Just like if he’d suddenly understood he was gay, or changed faiths, or any other core feature.
You haven’t been betrayed. He just didn’t know what he really wanted or didn’t have the skills or the courage to talk to you about it before.
Take the love you shared, and the good times, forward with you into your next great love. Let that continue to enrich your life. Leave the sadness and bitterness behind, or it will harden your heart. Bless and release.
I don't know means they'll want kids. I'm sorry OP and I hope you have time to heal.
When I dated, I made it abundantly clear kids were a no go. If anyone said I don't know I said I do and broke it off.
It's tough out there but you have to put your needs first. Take care friend
Be glad it is over. He was not for you.
To be fair, any partner of us we decide to leave because they want kids while we don't can also say "so love was not enough, our love didn't mean nothing".
Children is a very important topic and if you're not on the same page then love is indeed not enough, everyone has their deal breakers and sometimes they're more important that couple love.
While compromise is imperative in a relationship, one of the few things you should NEVER compromise on is having children.
Like you said, all of your feelings are valid. But like other people said, it’s not that you “weren’t enough”. You just ended up being incompatible with him.
A lot of people seem to kind of “blame” you for dating a fence sitter but I think that’s unfair. Even though a lot (maybe most) of fence sitters end up wanting children not all of them do. Also, when you love someone you ignore things that may become problems later on. It’s only natural.
It seems a lot of people in this sub knew they’ll never want kids before they turned 15 but there’s also a lot of us that solidified the choice only later in life. He could have been one of us. It’s not a crime to be optimistic (or naive as some might say).
And like some people have said I don’t think he would’ve actually been fine with you being infertile in the long run. I believe he would’ve started to resent you at some point – but it’s not something people are willing to admit since being infertile is not a choice.
Don’t blame yourself for what happened. And know that his choice isn’t based on logic or facts. If he could think about things rationally he probably would choose to stay with you. But wanting kids is inherently so irrational that there’s usually no use debating about it.
There’s nothing you could’ve done differently that would’ve made the situation work. It’s not your fault.
Try to keep in mind that it will be way easier for you to pick up the pieces and create a happy, fulfilling life for yourself than it is for him to achieve this abstract dream of his.
Thank you for your kind response, your compassion and your support. And may I add something to it? The thing that makes it even more fucked up for me is that we are from Ukraine. Our future is sooo unsure. Everything could happen, you know what I mean. We are under constant threat and YET taking to account all of that he still decides for kids. I don't speak about irresponsibility of having children but about he doesn't know what will happen with us tomorrow. And he decides to break one of a few certainties that he has in life.
Oh wow that makes it so much more absurd… Like you said, ”he decides to break one of a few certainties that he has in life”. That’s a crazy decision to make. Kinda proves how that decision isn’t based on logic or reasoning in any way.
And I’m sorry for what y’all are going through in Ukraine. I’m from Finland and there’s this constant uncertainty and threat about if P*tin is gonna attack us at some point. It’s pretty anxiety inducing so I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling in Ukraine. I hope the situation will be resolved soon :(
Thank you, dear stranger ❤️
When he said, I don't know, you should have walked away. He could have legit been unsure or he could have bided his time until he thought you wouldn't leave. You can't read his mind. Tell the next person that you have been stripped and it is impossible for you to get pregnant. That should weed out any liars or fence-sitters. Good luck.
It wasn't a drastic decision he made "after so long."
It took 6 years.
Your 1st mistake was dating someone who said they "weren't sure."
You're 26. You're young.
Lick your wounds and move on.
To be fair, he never agreed no he didn’t want them. He said he wasn’t sure. To me that’s a yes, just not right now especially male coded.
English is not my first language ( He said he didn’t know. I used translator for it. And today I asked him again he swears that all these years he didn't want kids, he really didn't know. And don't have reasons to not believe him.
Hey ThaiCh;
I feel like these things are complicated and best not to date a non like minded soul. That said, as a childless person myself, i understand your reasoning and would have to agree that creating, carrying to term, birthing and raising is much harder/more work and the children should be grateful, no matter how tough life gets. That said, a person should never be used, by another person, to keep another person around
Im sorry if you house is haunted with what could've been, or maybe ur on native lands. Send>
You’re still so young with so much time to start over
Yes but it doesn't look like there are a bunch of decent childfree men. Sorry if you are a man :(
I don’t see it as a total 180. If he said I don’t know, there was basically a 50/50 chance of him going to a yes or a no. He chose yes. I don’t think he lied or betrayed you, I think he simply didn’t know, and now he does. At 20 I was just going through the motions in life and married my high school sweetheart at 25 because that’s what you do. I didn’t even think about kids. Then at 30 I was like wait what no, divorced him and decided I never wanted kids. To him, it seemed like a 180 but to me, it happened over time.
Take this from an old divorced (2x) CF gal: people grow and change over a long relationship. Sometimes they grow and change in ways that aren’t a dealbreaker for staying together…but sometimes they don’t and it’s right to end the relationship. 🩷 This sucks, I get it.
Yes but I don't understand he leaves me for a weak chance to find love like ours....
That's his problem, isn't it? And in the meantime, you get to do whatever you want with your one wild precious life. Personally, the older I get, the happier I am that my life is mine, and not beholden to kids or a man.
Yes, it is. But it makes me feel like our love is nothing for him. That's why I feel betrayed.
I don't think it was nothing. 🩷 Feeling betrayed is normal. But this will get better for you, I promise.
You're not wrong for how you're feeling, it is very understandable that the duration of your relationship gave you some sort of certainty that it would continue at the steady happy pace you guys seemed to be going at. It would however be wrong if you treated him as if he betrayed you, because from what I've read, you both gave yourselves completely to try and make it work. Sadly it didn't. The situation sucks, but I bet he feels betrayed by his own feelings as well. He never said he didn't want children, he said he didn't know yet, and now he finally does.
Best of luck to both of you! Remember to treat yourself nicely OP, because life is gonna suck enough for a while and it's okay to feel however you feel, your pain is valid.
I fear this may happen to me in the future, my gf is unsure if she wants kids or not, we are both female. I don't want kids.
I love her so much that I'd rather wait to see what happens rather than just run away now. Our love is real and very strong. It's worth it to be hurt in the long run because I am happy now.
Just because you broke up after 6 years does not mean your love was fake, it just changed, you wanted different things is all.
Best to move on and find someone who really doesn't want kids after this break up. You gave the relationship a good shot but it didn't work out, it's always much more sad to leave someone who didn't do something bad to you, but I promise time heals all.
Do NOT have a baby just for him, you'll resent them both in the long run.
"I love her so much that I'd rather wait to see what happens rather than just run away now."
Exactly my case. And I don't regret it. I was very happy with him and I experienced a true love.
It just hurts because I really love him. And he loves me. I don't think these feelings will go away. Maybe it's stupid, but I suggested to him that we get married at 40 if nothing works out for either of us. Why at 40? He doesn't want to have children too late. He agreed. Or if he already has a child, but the relationship doesn't work out. He also agreed.
That whole "if the uncertainty doesn't work for you I'll understand" is a weak way of him positioning himself to take absolutely no responsibility for his decisions. I don't know is a decision, too. It's not your "fault" for staying. He knew you didn't want them. He also gave you sort of a 50-50 chance that he didn't by saying "I don't know" but more than 50 since he decided to stay with you
That said, you're so so young and there are plenty of wonderful cf men out there. Your feelings are valid. You deserve better. Take some time to get to know the real you as she will exist in this world, then go meet someone better.
Thank you so much for compassion. But it is even more sad because under certain circumstances I don't believe in a future for myself. We are from Ukraine and you know....men are mobilized, they die and so on. May sounds cynically, but chances to find someone here again are extremely low now.
And also these circumstances make HIS choice even more incomprehensible to me. Doesn't he understand that now is not the time at all? Anything can happen to us, and he is destroying one of the few stability that he has in his life. I don't know if you understand what I mean. I think his act is very irrational. But obviously, the desire to have children in itself is irrational. However, this hurts me even more. I honestly don't understand when and how he is going to have children, especially when he now says that he doesn't want any relationship and no one else but me.
Looks like I need to accept being alone for a long time.
I'm so sorry - this is indeed a terrible time for you to have to go through this. A very complex time too. My heart goes out to you.
People change. He was basically a kid back then. Now he’s growing up and realizing he wants a different life. It sucks, but he’s allowed to change his mind. Move on, you’re still young. Be glad he decided this now and not 20 years down the line.
Seems like I was too adult back then. Ok, he was a kid at 20, but not at 23...But ok, what hurts me more that he leaves me for a weak chance he will find love like ours. Like someone here said, it doesn't grow on trees.
To me, it looks like our love is worthless. But he even says that it will be difficult for him to find someone like me. Even his family says so. No exaggeration) That is, he is once again leaving all this for the sake of a completely incomprehensible future.
You guys got together so young and still are very young. Our requirements for a partner evolve and change a lot in the years you have been together. I met my ex fiancé when I was 23 and when we split at 28 there were so many things I knew I needed in a partner that I didn’t even consider or even know about at age 23. Relationships are about so much more than love. Love is important and necessary for relationships, but you need other things too.
Yes. Youre wrong. Anyone and everyone has the right to change their minds at any time.
He can live without you, but not without those other still-imaginary humans? You're gonna hurt, but you're better off without him.
A-hole fencesitter 🤬💢.
Find someone with the same mindset as you and live your life happily without him 👍
Girl you dodged a bullet. He’ll be missing you when he’s dealing with sleepless nights and exploded diapers.
I'm so sorry. You're not wrong to be hurt. I too got together with my now husband when we were young and in college. He was a fencesitter and didn't realize at first that not having kids was a choice, not just an expectation, whereas I've been firmly childfree all along. Obviously we came together on the same page but particularly when you're young and in your late teens/early 20s, there's so many changing feelings as we learn, grow and get to know ourselves.
This may be drastic or it may have just taken him a while to determine what he feels that he really wanted and he may have been reluctant to express his feelings or blow things up unnecessarily. It's less of a knock on you and that he needs to explore the potential of children. After all, having children is never a compromise.
He said that if you were infertile, he wouldn’t leave you - but also that having kids is non negotiable to him.
One of those statements is a lie, and it’s not the latter.
I'm sorry for how everybody repeats "You are wrong". I don't think you are.
These people don't understand how hard it is to be CF with someone who is "I don't know" guy. Would that people be able to break up with someone they love just because "The partner doesn't know"? This is an incredibly hard situation. The only way to get through it is to hope that the person will understand you/come to the same decision, just hope, not expectation, but hope. Otherwise you're living a life of fear (which I do right now) when I just simple don't know if the same thing will also happen to me. But the relationship is so good, that I'm willing to accept that maybe I'll be heartbroken the same way you're now. And it's completely fine to be angry and heartbroken in such case. Living a life of uncertainty of the partner, who can't decide, when you already know what you want - isn't easy. But that's the risk we are taking. Also as a lot of people said, the changes in the view on this topic happen to all. So nobody is safe from it ;(
I'm really sorry for you and I hope that you'll be able to recover from this and find a better long term match🤞