I’m trying to figure out how to cope with this marriage. I’m disappointed with the behavior I have seen with my husband. Also, over the last couple years, I realized how many of my friends are in a similar situation, unhappy with their husband’s, but staying because of finances, the house, family dynamics, etc.
does anyone have any tips or coping mechanisms for living with someone you just don’t have a lot in common with? And who also can be total jerk? Also, I believe he might be a covert misogynist. I had no clue otherwise I wouldn’t have married him.
Other than his sometimes shitty attitude, my life is very good and he can be very nice at times, but when things get tough, he throws a tantrum. Is this how all men are??!!
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Just mostly ignore him until you can leave.
Poetry 💫💖
I've learned to focus on me. I'm a SAHM and don't have many friends. There would be times he'd come thru the door and I'd talk my head off, only to barely get a grunt back.
Learned I can't get adult interaction out of him. I joined a local garden club and am putting myself through a college extension program at the moment (master gardener)
I don't "check in" anymore - hey love, how's your day, etc. If he does, I'll respond, but I don't go first. I picked up reading again to fill the silence of when he's home. I hate doomscrolling all day Sunday.
I'm hoping its not like this forever. But at the same time I can't put all my hope into he'll notice me anymore.
It's bleak but you are making the best of it. Make your life as nice as possible, don't wait around for him to decide to pay attention to you again. 💞
Its been 10 long years of SAHM. Luckily with the 10 yo being older, my "freedom" has gotten a bit better. I decided about July 2025 after sending him huge paragraphs about my day and only getting shit back like "oooo", he doesn't give a fuck about me and I'm wasting my time.
No advice. Just solidarity. I am at a breaking point. I could actually tolerate the unequal division of labor plus the financial pressure of being the main provider if dude could just take responsibility when he screws up or learn to respond in a relational/empathetic way when I express a concern.
Instead, any insistence on accountability gets framed as "trying to fight." I can say, only people with poor communication skills see every attempt at discussion as an attempt to fight.
But these days I think it's more like "only someone who is unwilling to grow beyond emotionally abusive levels of dismissiveness and defensiveness would see any attempt at receiving understanding from a partner as trying to fight with them".
Or, more plainly: only someone that refuses to share power in a relationship will say their partner is trying to fight when that partner refuses to drop an issue that they feel is not resolved to their satisfaction. It's only a fight because you turn my emotional needs into a battle for power and control over who gets to dictate reality.
To cope, I have reached back into interests that my partner didn't nurture, wouldn't let me discuss safely due to his judgmental comments, etc. I am differentiating and reclaiming all of my parts that dimmed or got set aside because of my role in the family.
I am also researching the effects of divorce on kids, effects of conflict on kids, etc. So my perspective on "what's in the best interest of the kid" will be informed.
I am doing things for basic health to conserve energy as being with someone like this is draining AF. Trying to eat regularly, exercise a few times a week, find things to appreciate without ignoring issues that need to be acted on.
Seeing it as a role and making pockets of life where I can be me instead of the random person who got plugged into the wife role and became invisible after that.
Wow, I feel this.
I did exactly this! And then I left and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. I’m rooting for you on your journey!
Fully agree with this. I am also at a breaking point for similar reasons and it’s extremely frustrating. I’m in therapy and he refuses to go and I’m just like what’s the point??? Anytime I try to tell him I’m not happy, the reasons why, he gets defensive and tells me I have a really nice life and should be happy.
Right. Like I should be happy even though my partner seems to not care if I am feeling emotionally neglected and chronically overwhelmed? Even though I feel unsafe emotionally because I can't trust him to be a dependable partner in the adulting of family life?
It's like for them, are you trying to chop their arm off? Physically cheating? Anything else they tell themselves "I have a nice life and I should be happy" then get mad when we as different people do not cope the same way.
Suppression doesn't work for me dude. (It doesn't actually work for him either but he can't see fae enough ahead to realize the things that happen that are tied to suppressing and minimizing everything that might otherwise demand a bit of thoughtful emotional processing or thoughtful collaboration.
That's another area I'm feeling increasingly frustrated about. My husband is incapable of collaborative problem solving or any kind of negotiation. He wants to state his position and leave and that's that and if I want my way considered he wants to hear what I want him to do then I disappear and he does whatever he thinks I asked for. He doesn't clarify. Doesn't make room to both share what we would like to see so.we can find a way to both "win" in the scenario.
I fucking hate it and I wonder is this also a thing most men just suck at or more proof mine sucks extra in more of a covert narc kinda way.
It’s not all men but it is a lot. It is common enough that basically everyone I know who is in a happy, stable relationship (myself included) does a lot of babying their partner emotionally, making life as easy as possible for them, taking on a huge proportion of household responsibilities… all while managing their own stuff too. It’s so widespread, it has to be something we are doing on the societal level.
My partner is a good dad, he’s nice to me the majority of the time, we laugh and have fun together… he also takes on basically zero responsibilities in running our household and is much more fragile than I am with any sort of hardship.
You are spot on. Even the good ones seem to be doing so little compared to the moms. I hate to make that assumption, but it’s just what I’ve seen in my circle.
When I had my daughter I was single for the first two years and it was objectively easier. I was doing everything but I was only worrying about myself and my issues (and my daughter’s of course). Now I spend a huge amount of energy talking him through his emotions, creating routines for him… it’s beyond just the household stuff. His stress becomes my stress, I have to guide him through everything, he doesn’t have to do the same to me. I guess I see it as a choice. It will always be harder than being alone but that is the cost for companionship, love, for my daughter having a father. I have accepted that I will always have far more responsibility than him and that I will have to support him in ways he doesn’t have to support me… although it is very frustrating at times.
I'm not sure if it's all men, but it's enough of them to make divorce an option. The question I have is, are you happy enough to stay? Are you wanting this to work? And if he doesn't, what do you believe your options are?
Center yourself and your interests and needs and don't revolve your life around him. Work on getting financially independent until you can leave him. Being single is the ✨ absolute best✨.
I'm in a similar spot, but it's extremely disorienting for me. I have a decent life, a good kid, a nice house, etc. Nearly 20 years of marriage and he wasn't anything like this for the first 15 years. Not at all. He was the kind of husband that women dream of. He was empathetic, kind, and he truly cared. We had ups and downs and rough patches, but it never felt threatening. I felt lucky and secure.
But I think covid broke him. He works in the medical field, and covid was absolute hell for us both. We came out of it okay, but then two unexpected deaths in my family (not from covid) destroyed me. By the time I escaped my own grief fog, I realized he had changed. He was anxious. He had lost his empathy. He wasn't there for me anymore. I became an NPC in his life. His health suffered from panic attack after panic attack. It took YEARS to just get him to admit that maybe, just maybe, he had PTSD or anxiety.
And then it was at least a year before he did anything more than halfhearted baby steps to address it.
And even then, it took a severe "Are you fucking kidding me?" event before he finally agreed that maybe we should do couple's therapy.
And just a few days ago, he kept nagging me over something trivial that was emotionally flooding me, and I was spiraling. I asked him to stop. He kept going. And going. And going. We were in a car, so I couldn't walk away. I was barely keeping myself together, when he pulled a stunt that my abusive parents often did when I was a kid.
Now he says he feels hurts and I didn't listen to him. Like he's the fucking victim and I'm a bad guy who won't tell him what he did wrong.
I had one of those good husbands. He slowly morphed into a stereotypical shitty husband right in front of me. I've never been so disappointed in a human being then I am right now.
My plan is simple right now. My daughter graduates high school in 3 years. On the day she graduates, if nothing has changed, then it's over. Until then, unless I see honest effort from him (without me hand holding), I'm just going to grey rock our home life.
Would you be OK with me sending you a chat request? After Covid, my husband changed a lot as well.
can we start a group chat or something because same. Covid plus a few other losses just broke him it feels like. I’m sure he would say everything’s fine and dandy with us. But it’s the loss of empathy that I notice most
Maybe we should. Maybe this is a bigger problem than is realized
Sure, although I don't know if I'll be much help. It's been brutal because of how it happened both gradually and suddenly, plus the loss of my family safety net when my dad died. I'm still attempting to navigate between standing up for myself when he's an ass, but also blaming myself for everything.
But at least we know we're not alone now. I thought I was the only one who saw covid change someone's personality
I do not think this is how all men are but it is how some people behave. That said, I think that you have had what I like to call a glass breaking moment. Time to reevaluate and figure out whether you want to be tied to this person in 5 years, 10 years, 30 years? What does that look like, and is it what you want for yourself and your family?
Or making medical decisions for you.
Good point.
It’s not all of them but I think it’s way too high a percentage. 12 years together and my man has never thrown anything close to a tantrum, never snapped or raised his voice with me, never been condescending, is present, a true partner in the home, etc. They exist. But for so many sad societal reasons they aren’t the norm. I’m sorry you’re stuck. It’s not fair. The best advice I have is to remind yourself it’s not forever, it’s just for now.
Not all men. My husband is of course just like yours, which is why I’m here.
But I’ve seen other spouses be very involved and emotionally attuned. We just have shitty luck.
I’m so happy I’m a single parent, lol