My son is almost 3. A few weeks ago, I painted my nails and he asked if he could also have his “fingers painted.” I said sure and asked what color he wanted (pink). The next day, before I had had a chance to get him any kid nail polish, he mentioned it again while we were in the car with my husband/his dad. I told him sure, I’d paint his nails, and he said he wanted green.
Later that day I grabbed some green Piggy Paint, came home and painted his nails. My husband was present during this. While painting my son’s nails, I asked my son a couple times whether he liked it and mentioned I could take it off if he didn’t. He said he liked it and was happy.
Later, my husband told me he didn’t love that our son had painted nails and did not appreciate that I, in his view, influenced our son into this. He acknowledged that our son brought it up and requested that I paint his nails, but he didn’t like that I actually went and bought polish and painted them. After discussing it, he acknowledged that his concerns were rooted in what some might call regressive ideas about what kind of behavior is appropriate for boys and kind of dismissed his own thinking as outdated. He even let me paint one of his nails when my son asked if dad could have some polish.
I really thought this conversation was over and none of this was a big deal. My son is 2, he’s just a toddler copying his mother and having fun. If he were a few years older I might have warned him that he might get some comments at school from people who think nail polish is only for boys, and discussed how he might respond to those comments. The kids at his day care are too young for that kind of bullying to be a realistic concern and none of his teachers are going to be bringing it up negatively, we live in one of the most liberal places in the nation.
My son has mentioned a few times over the past few days that his polish is chipping, and I’ve been telling him I could take it off and maybe replace it. Tonight, in front of my husband, I told my son I’d remove the polish because it was chipping. He looked at his hands and said, “I like it!” I told him I’d replace it with new polish and I did so. My son then ran into his room, noticed his construction vest in his closet, and asked me to help him get it on. He hadn’t touched it in months, which will be relevant later. He scampered around in it until bedtime.
After I put my son to bed, my husband confronted me and said he had been relieved at the thought that we would be “done with” the polish after it chipped off and he did not appreciate my encouraging my son in this. He said I should have either let it chip off or simply taken it off and not raised the prospect of putting more on. He said when my son said he liked his polish and wanted to keep it, I should have said something like “I know you like it” and kindly changed the topic. My husband said he wanted to basically nip this behavior in the bud now because this kind of stuff “confuses” kids and he did not want to encourage our son to present femininely. At one point he basically said it starts with nail polish and then maybe he’ll want to wear a dress, implying that this would be a problem. My husband also accused me of deliberately putting my son in the construction vest to make some kind of a point about gender presentation.
Throughout all of this, my husband insisted that he will always accept our son for whatever his choices are and would not be bothered if our son chose to present femininely when he is older. He somehow believes our son is too young to choose how he likes to play, and he does not believe our son is choosing to play with nail polish, he thinks I am influencing him to do that.
I told my husband I really didn’t know how to describe what he was saying other than being rooted in fear at the prospect of having a feminine or gay son, i.e., simple homophobia. He told me he did not appreciate being called a bigot and I said I didn’t know what else to call it.
My husband thinks his behavior is fine because he is “tolerating” the nail polish (is he though?) instead of demanding that it be removed, and he has not said anything to my son about it being only for girls. He simply wants me to paint my son’s nails ONLY if he expressly asks me to do so without my bringing it up at all. If my son says “I like polish,” I am not permitted to ask if he wants some on so he can enjoy something he likes. If he says he wants to keep it on as it is chipping off, that’s not good enough and I’m influencing him if I suggest that we redo the polish.
I am so frustrated and honestly sad. I knew my husband had some discomfort with the nail polish, but I thought it was fleeting and he had reasoned through it and realized how stupid it is to care about this. I am really upset to discover how important it is to him that our son not present as feminine. Not that this matters, but our son is a stereotypically male child in every way other than this single two-week instance of being interested in copying me by wearing nail polish. EVERYTHING is about cars and trucks. This is the ONE TIME he has EVER expressed interest in anything stereotypically feminine and my husband was undone by it.
That’s all. I’m just sad.
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I have kind of a hoard of nail stuff from doing my own hard gel, my daughter's, etc. It's a thing because the stuff is always around and my nails are always done. When I was doing my daughter's nails for the first day of school, my son asked for a manicure. He was going into 3rd or 4th grade, I can't remember. He picked a ludicrous colour combo with cat paw stickers. My husband was quietly worried he would get teased, I was too busy being horrified by his design choices.
On the first day of school, he was not even the only boy in his class with his nails painted.
My point is, first, that kids want to take part in what they see, that's why there are toy kitchens - but most importantly, that times have changed. Giving your husband the benefit of the doubt and assuming he's coming at this from a place of concern for the wellbeing of your son, he can probably remember a time when something as innocuous a boy picking a yellow ball over a blue one would invite teasing. The environment we grew up in was incredibly stifling for boys and I think a lot of men carry the fear that their sons will experience some of the things they witnessed or were subjected to. This is a great example of how toxic masculinity is most damaging to men. We've had kids for 10 years and this still comes up regularly with my husband - who, by the way, now regularly enjoys a mini facial and a pedicure because letting yourself be cared for in a gentle way is not actually girly, as it turns out.
That kid is now in 5th grade and of all the things a 5th grader has to be insecure about (and there are a lot), his gender presentation isn't one of them. For one thing, it's pretty typical - he hasn't asked me to paint his nails again or taken me up on it when I've offered, he just wanted to try it - and for another, these kids...they simply don't care. It's beautiful. My friend's son is a very rainbows-and-glitter kid. Pierced ears, dressed as a mermaid unicorn last Halloween. He's the same age as my son and you know what they talk about? Minecraft. Kids find a lot more in common when they're not socialized to point out differences.
Keep the faith. This is going to sound soft on sexism but just going by my own experience watching the dads I know and comparing to THEIR dads, it's a process and it usually starts with the uncomfortable realization that they were short-changed. Everything up until that is like talking to a brick wall.
Oof, he's full of shit. Claims he accepts a gay/femme son, but is actively discouraging expression when the stakes couldn't be lower. Doesn't like being called out on his bigotry because he knows you're right and he'd have to confront that about himself. He should, though, because playing with colors doesn't magically turn you gay. He accepted a painted nail, does he suddenly feel the urge to download Grindr? What an ass.
But kudos to you for spending quality time with your kid and letting them explore new things. Your attitude is the only healthy one. Kids just like to play with stuff, it's not that deep. If he always had a preference towards feminine things, then well, dad claimed he was going to accept so he better start accepting.
My son wanted his toenails painted when he was 2. I absolutely had zero issue with it. He rocked his sandals and pink polish. His dad i could tell was likely processing through it, but he never said a word because we both believe that colors and toys don't have any affect on ones preferences. My son played with his toy kitchen all day, but equally loved figurines and everything became a sword or battle. They are playing and doing things they enjoy with no attachment to their gender imo. Healthy exploration. Also, we are pretty conservative so take that as you will, but I think your husband is really refusing any self reflection here.
And btw my son is the typical boy. Loves sports, is rough and tumble, and guess what...pink is hugely popular with the elementary kids. Every single baseball boy loves pink and rocks "the drip" as they call it. We have bright pink shoes, arm sleeves, baseball bat grip. All the pink. I am not super into pink, but I actually love it. They all look so cool and cute.
I like that your husband thought it through and accepted it. I wonder if raising a boy in this era is helping him through some stuff that was put on him as a kid. I can tell my husband is just relieved when our son doesn't get his head bitten off for expressing himself. Sometimes there's a very quiet "oh no, oh no, oh no" moment, and then when nothing happens, a biiiiiig unclench.
I'd like to hear what he would say if he could be convinced that nail polish actually can't turn a kid gay. Would he say "Oh, well, it's fine then, go nuts"? Because that would say a lot.
My son wore tulle skirts at 2. He saw his sister wearing one, so he grabbed one and put it over his shorts. He hung out in them on and off for a few weeks.
I didn’t bat an eye. Neither did the husband. I simply headed it at the pass like this: “He worships his sister. She’s basically like a superhero to him. It’s a phase like any other.”
10 years later? He’s him. Presents stereotypically as a boy, but will do things like crochet anigumi. No one thinks twice about it, nor does he get teased at school. His friends think it’s cool (it helps that it’s kinda like being able to create toys).
He wants to be a robotics engineer, and likes to do culinary projects, “especially those that are like chemistry”. In 5th grade, he made ice cream for his entire 5th grade class. No one told him it was girly.
He will make an awesome husband someday, if we can ever get him to do better when cleaning up after a cooking project (that part is still a work in progress). 🤣
(OP, feel free to show your spouse this post, if it will make him shut the fuck up)
If he cares so much about this why isn’t he stepping in and saying no? Is he a coward? Let him be the bad guy, it’s bullshit that he expects you to do this emotional labor on his behalf.
He acknowledges that it would be bad to outright prohibit the nail polish. He thinks his method of trying to kind of downplay it in a deliberate effort to put a stop to it is better. I’m not sure he understands that I am taking issue with the idea that we SHOULD put a stop to something our son is doing, regardless of how we go about doing that, solely because that thing is typically for girls.
I totally agree with you btw, it doesn't matter that your son does this. It's just outrageous that he expects you to enforce this *on his behalf*. It's more about codddling his ego than teaching your son anything.
If this were my husband I would tell him he needs to deal with it, since I don't care either way. I've had a controlling relationship in the past so I have zero tolerance to people telling me what to do or micromanage my parenting.
Had a very similar issue come up with my husband years ago. Nailpolish included. Through several discussions I realized it was mainly fear about our son getting picked on. I pointed out that so far, the only one viewing his preferences negatively was my husband. Somehow that sunk in a bit. About a year after that my son wanted a my little pony outfit from Santa. My husband had loosened up enough on the topic that there was no resistance to it but I even have a picture my husband wearing the outfit (or at least the part that would fit).
He lost interest in the “girlier” things after a while but still looked for ways to express himself with clothing accessories though boys don’t have a ton of options. He stopped doing that when he got tired of other kids asking him why he was wearing something like a cool hat.
Now he expresses himself with funny t-shirts.
It’s not that you’re encouraging the choices, you’re SUPPORTING his choices.
Not sure what is at the root of your husband’s resistance or what may work but I did want to hold out hope that he might be persuaded to loosen up.
Not sure if he’d see it different with a daughter and getting to think of it from that perspective could help. My stance that I also verbalized to my husband was that I was a “tomboy” growing up and was allowed to like what I wanted and do what I want and I’ll be damned if my son isn’t afforded the same freedom. It actually gets me a bit fired up about equality working both ways damnit so if he sees it as a limitation that isn’t fair for boys maybe that could be a key to shift how he looks at it?
Ugh, he can kick rocks if he can't give you a good reason he cares so much other than "it makes me feel icky"
My son loved nail polish at your son's age. He was a nail biter so it helped encourage him not to bite. He went to a Christian preschool at the time and no one ever bothered him about it. He's 8 now and hasn't wanted nail polish in years. Meanwhile, his cousins (7 and 11 year old boys) have a special tradition with their grandma where they go get pedicures together and they love it when they have freshly painted toes. Both are 100% boys boys. It is the sweetest thing.
Go Grandma! Love it
There you go! Because honestly, why are colors and sparkles and grooming "for girls"? I've always had serious questions about glitter, specifically. Why do we pretend that everyone doesn't love it? Come on. It's glitter. Guys should be allowed to admit that they love it.
My son is 10 now, but I went through the exact same thing when he was 2 or 3. M husband was unhappy with me painting my son's nails alongside my daughter's, who is two years older.
We had several discussions on it, he said all the same things your husband did. He didn't want me pushing this stuff on him, when I asked why he thought it was weird but he could never really vocalize WHY he though it was weird. He told me he'd tolerate it and that was that.
A few years ago we were with some friends with younger kids, and they brought up having some mixed feelings about painting their young sons nails. My husband said he used to be against it, but these days he could not care less. As long as our kid's happy and healthy he can do whatever he wants. I was (am) really proud of him.
I think we've just got gender norms baked into us, my husbands parents are 100% stereotypical boomer and he's a product of that. I'm not sure if he actively worked on himself to change these things or if as he got older he realized what's really important, but I'm glad he "tolerated" it, never made it a big deal in front of the kids, and ultimately moved on completely from it.
My son is also 10 and went through a similar phase with painting nails at 3. I painted his nails black or blue typically (his favorite colors).my husband didn't care and neither did anyone else. To me it's not even a femme thing. Lots of performers who are not femme wear makeup and paint their nails. And we wouldn't care if he was femme or gay, but painting nails doesn't even reflect that.
Heisman Trophy winner, NFL number one draft pick, and starting NFL quarterback Caleb Williams paints his nails. I am so sick of this toxic there's only one way to be a man bullshit.
Toxic masculinity ruins the party again
I just think it's funny how many of these dads think a boy wearing nail polish is "femme" while completely ignoring how many punk rock alternative dudes with painted nails are absolutely drowning in 😺 lol. your man's ideas aren't just outdated, they're flat out inaccurate. guys with painted nails are hot af 🥵
Lil eyeliner, touch of contour on good cheekbones ... 🔥
I think it's a confusing time for young fathers right now. Especially if maybe his dad (who is probably a boomer or Gen X who may have been taught to believe some older ways of thinking) said something about it.
If your son turns out to be gay it would be biological. Not influenced. That is all. So what is the big deal about a little polish?
My husband’s dad absolutely made his preference that the kids be straight and gender-conforming known in a “subtle” way throughout my husband’s childhood.
Then it sounds like that's where this is coming from. And if his dad, someone whom he respects and has looked up to his whole life, showed disapproval, your husband was made to feel shameful/embarrassed and probably told to "control the situation" either directly or indirectly. Do you think your husband would have said anything if his dad hadn't shown up? I recall your post eluding to that.
I've been with my husband for 10 years. Together for 5. We have a big blended family. 4 kids. Different political views flow through the extended family like oil and water. Especially now. To keep the peace we keep things politically neutral when family is around. It's a marital compromise for our family's and our sake. We shouldn't have to but we do because of situations like these. It just keeps the added tension away. And it is so worth it.
I wouldn't try to fight it too much. Sometimes a man's family is everything to him. If that's the case you're included. But if your husband is forced to choose between you and his family, that will make things messy and horrible.
I would take the polish off when family's going to be around, say something like, "Today is a naked fingers day!" And maybe take your polish off too so he can be the same as mama.
Your husband already didn't mind the polish before his dad game. This is not about polish but his dad's approval. It sounds like that's important to him and I would respect that as his wife, if I were you.
This is not the hill worth dying on. Trust. Other things will come and it's a great way to show your husband you are showing him the same respect you expect. I'm sure there will be a time in the future that he caves for you. 💛
Then it sounds like that's where this is coming from. And if his dad, someone whom he respects and has looked up to his whole life, showed disapproval, your husband was made to feel shameful/embarrassed and probably told to "control the situation" either directly or indirectly. Do you think your husband would have said anything if his dad hadn't shown up? I recall your post eluding to that.
I've been with my husband for 10 years. Together for 5. We have a big blended family. 4 kids. Different political views flow through the extended family like oil and water. Especially now. To keep the peace we keep things politically neutral when family is around. It's a marital compromise for our family's and our sake. We shouldn't have to but we do because of situations like these. It just keeps the added tension away. IT IS WORTH IT.
I wouldn't try to fight it too much. Sometimes a man's family is everything to him. If that's the case you're included. But if your husband is forced to choose between you and his family, that will make things MESSY.
I would take the polish off when family's going to be around, say something like, "Today is a naked fingers day!" And maybe take your polish off too so he can be the same as mama.
This is not about polish but his dad's approval. It sounds like that's important to him and I would respect that as his wife, if I were you.
This is not the hill worth dying on. Trust. Other things will come and it's a great way to show your husband you are showing him the same respect you expect and deserve. I'm sure there will be a time in the future that he returns the favor. 💛
That really sucks and I would also find that very upsetting coming from my husband as well. My husband really likes going for a pedicure with me and ever since we met and we went the first time he got nail polish on his toes. He said it was the first time he had ever painted his nails (he was 33) and now 6 years later, he gets toenail polish every time he goes for a pedicure with me.
We currently have one daughter, she’s 2 1/2. I am also expecting twins right now, a girl and a boy. While I’m not worried about my husband‘s reaction to our son potentially wanting to do feminine things like his sisters or cousins (my sister has 2 girls, so it’ll be 4 girls and him), I did tell him I’m concerned about his parents because they have very conservative Christian Patriarchal views on gender roles. There have already been several subtle comments made when my daughter has put her butterfly hair clips in my husband‘s hair. So I’ve already told him now that we are throwing a boy into the mix, it’s on him now more than ever to be nipping that shit in the bud Because otherwise I will and it won’t be pleasant for my in-laws.
To the hair clip comment they had made about how daddy doesn’t wear those, I responded that daddy can wear whatever makes him feel beautiful. They’re very passive and had no response so I left it at that.
Fuck .... Nail polish is cool. Let's look at all the grunge/rock dudes out there rocking black nail polish. My son has become a nail polish fiend and do you know why? Not because he has seen me do my nails thousands of times, because he loves Jack Black so wants all the funky colours Jack has! My lad has Down Syndrome, he's 20 now and has never had the "girls only" view, because I haven't taught him that. He currently has a fry up breakfast on his toes thanks to colour/nail stickers. It's self expression, not gender/sexuality expression. Sigggghhhs What a sad world humans have created when coloured nails are frowned upon! There is even a "male polish" sub Reddit. ENJOY ALL THE COLOURS WEE DUDE, This Mama IS encouraging you... PAINT THOSE NAILS!!! 😄💚
The kid is 3!!!
Time for hubby to do some deep work. Dig your heels in, remind him it's 2025, and tell him to get with the program. Do not cave to his unreasonable requests. Keep educating him, and encourage him to have some self-awareness about how he was brought up and how that was actually harmful. He has some inner work to do.
Man my son (5, youngest of three, only boy, idolizes his sisters) will sometimes go get hair clips when the girls are getting their hair done in the morning. Wtf do I care? It's shiny and pretty and makes hair more fun. He's done it less and less over time, probably peaked around age 3, and recently he said "that's for girls" and rejected a hair accessory. Honestly, in that moment, it wasn't like I preferred him with hair accessories vs. without, but I found myself wondering like, where did he hear that? In what context? What was the tone of whoever said that? What was the intention? Is he learning fragile masculinity or am I overthinking TF out of this?
I don't mind at all if these arbitrary little outward things become characterized by my children as "for girls" or "for boys", but I don't want it to eventually become "careers are for boys" and "emotions are for girls", because no fucking way is my son going down that road.
I would tell your husband that wigging out about nail polish is just the first building block in a big dark scary castle of low emotional intelligence and catastrphocaly repressed anxiety.
My son is 6 and has his own pouch of nail polish colors he's picked himself.
I wish adults would stop putting those social pressures on kids and just let them enjoy things. That attitude is what causes the stigma, not him wearing the polish.
I hear you. My son has two pink breast cancer shirts because both of his grandmas are breast cancer survivors. However, they are both the shirts he picks to wear the instant they come out of the wash.
Kiddo asked me for a purple shirt. So I found a purple monster truck shirt. Husband blew up saying I needed to stop dressing him like a girl.
The thing is, I buy 100% of kiddo’s clothes. And if he asks me for pink and purple shirts, I’m going to get them. If hubby doesn’t like it he can take over wardrobe acquisition.
My husband and I have had similar conversations. What has helped is pointing out how disheartening it is girls can be whoever they want but boys are still pigeonholed into this masculine obsession of what a man must be. A girl can have short hair, wear pants, wear any color, like trucks, like guns, like dinosaurs, like sports. Can a boy have long hair, wear a skirt (which is far more comfortable), wear any color, like dolls, like dance, and wear polish without judgement? Can boys express emotions without judgement or side eyes? Does my husband enjoy the restraints placed on him? Did he enjoy feeling less than for many years because I made more than him and he had society instill in him that he must make more? I don’t want my son to be homosexual or whatever but if he is, he will have all the damn support from me. If forcing masculine ideology was what kept all boys straight and femininity was what kept women straight, LGBTQ wouldn’t exist. Let people freely be who they are as long as it’s not harming others. I paint their nails when they ask in whatever color they ask for. If they get bullied, they can decide what to do then and we can address it then. I met a national park ranger with gorgeous green nail polish on and I complimented him on it. My kids absolutely loved that he also wore polish! What’s more masculine than a national park ranger?
My husband is liberal btw. He let me paint his nails when we were dating, far before we had children. It’s just that toxic masculinity beliefs are very deep rooted. It is up to our generation to raise children in defiance of it. I absolutely believe the only way my husband would turn his back on his sons is if they came out as republicans 😂 our husbands are most likely trying to protect their sons underneath all this b/s.
We discussed this exact phenomenon - girls can enjoy whatever they want but god forbid a male child explore “girl stuff” the first time we discussed the nail polish issue. My husband was the one who brought this double standard up and HE STATED that it was a stupid double standard. That’s why I was so shocked to find that the discussion was not over and he actually cares about this.
So frustrating! You are so in the right here.
My ex husband, who I can say nothing to about this, apparently refuses to talk to my daughter about religion. He went to Catholic school and is an atheist. I am agnostic. My daughter doesn't show a ton of interest in religion in general but my ex's mom kind of tries to inappropriately push religion on my daughter without talking to us about it, so it comes up sometimes. I tell her if she has questions, we'll talk to her about it. She says "daddy won't talk to me about it." I desperately want to tell him how little sense that makes, like informing him about religion all those years ago made him continue to be religious all these years later, so why does he think her knowing about religion will make her religious? Also, why does he get to decide who she is?
I just think that people have these ideas about parenting and then when confronted with the idea of their kid being "different" than what they thought they would be, they really freak out. We just don't get to decide who our kids are, we have to accept it and love them for who they actually are, and it's as simple as that.
There is a TikTok/Instagram lady named PayalforStyle who does a lot of content about her son’s self expression and specifically nail painting. I think you might find some of her posts helpful in navigating this.