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i hope you know what a wonderful mom you are. because she trusted you. you were her safe space. and she's not going through it alone anymore because you're there for her now.

i have four brothers... boys are different. they take a long time to process emotions and they react wildly different than how we do. it doesnt mean you're not close.

sending you the biggest virtual hugs ever

She told you almost right away — that means they do trust you. You’re looking at this negatively and taking it too personally. You sound like a wonderful, loving, supportive mom. Appreciate that she told you. It’s not an easy thing to talk about to anyone. 

I think you can be proud of your son for not coming to you, and allowing his girlfriend to only tell those she felt comfortable with. He chose his partner over his mother, and as much as that hurts, it says great things for his character. Just as much as it says good things for yours that she opened up to you almost right away. 

Only even possibly helpful thing I could say here is that I would KILL for my MIL to be as kind and welcoming as you are. It sounds like the kids have a safe place with you, which cannot be oversold at their stage of early adulthood.

I wish you’d been my mom when I was 19 and going through this. And if you’ve raised your son the way it sounds like you have, he may have been reluctant to come to you with something that was happening to his girlfriend’s body and not his own.

You did every single thing you were supposed to do; it sounds like you spent twenty years doing those things. You made a terrified young girl feel safe at a time when many parents (like mine) think they’re being good parents by yanking away a child’s sense of safety. They’re lucky to have each other, and they’re both very lucky to have you.

If she’s anything like I was, the thing she needs most is a mom to tell her it’s OK and she’s OK. You gave her that.

Feel everything you need to feel honestly and completely—we don’t fully get to the other side of these things unless we do. But never doubt that you’ve done right by your child in this. You’re a good mom. And if you ever need to talk at a stranger who gets it, I’m here.

He may have been respecting her wishes by not telling you.

But you offer such a safe space she felt okay coming to you.

You’re doing great for your kiddos and then some.

Another perspective:

They didn’t need your help navigating this. You did a good job raising him and supporting her, and when they were ready they told you. That’s a sign of the great job you’ve done as a mother.

I don't think anything you could have said or done would have changed the outcome. In my first marriage, I found out that I was pregnant and drove as quickly as I could out of excitement to tell my ex. His first words to me were, "you know we can't keep it right?". We were both pro-life (I can't speak for him now as I do not know his current beliefs) and we didn't tell anyone. We were looking at all of the options, but as much as it now pains me to admit it, abortion seemed like it might be the most reasonable path. I ended up having a miscarriage where I almost bled out, and it prevented me from having to make that decision. But I can say, if I had gone through with it, I wouldn't have told anyone even though I wouldn't have wanted to do it without my mom. It doesn't mean he doesn't trust you. If he felt at all like I did, there is so much shame, regret, and fear all mixed together, it's hard to admit it to anyone else and risk having their emotions mix with your own. You sound like a wonderful mother and he is lucky to have you.

Also, there is no shame in feeling regret and grief for the little life that was lost. Even if she feels like she made the right decision, it sounds like part of her regrets it a bit too. Take the time to grieve and remember that it's okay to feel this way. It does not change your morals or beliefs. It's okay to feel sad with death, it's only natural.

I think the fact she came to you on her own says everything you’re a wonderful mother with wonderful children around you

I think it’s perfectly normal to feel all these emotions. Huge pro-choicer here, but we are complex humans and it’s only natural to wonder all these things. I actually think people who are pro choice have more empathy than those who are pro birth. Those who see things as black and white don’t consider the trillion different reasons someone might need an abortion. You are a wonderful mother, I wish peace for your heart and your son and his girlfriend. ❤️‍🩹

I wondered the same thing with my two abortions. Doing the right thing can still have conflicting emotions. Hugs mama

It's really great she trusted you to tell you so quickly. I'd also be upset if my son hadn't talked with me, but maybe it's more a matter of him not being ready or not wanting to share before his gf was ready to put it out there. It's a heavy topic even when you know you have support and feel confident in your decision.

Just want to say my son is very young but I would be honored if one of his future partners came to me with that and I was able to provide the comfort you did. You’re a great mom to both of them.

Honestly, the fact that she came to you, and not her own mother or her friends or whatever, speaks volumes about your relationship with both of them. I would never have gone to any of my partners' mothers with news like that, not in a million fucking years. She trusted you in that moment to put her first, and you did. That's fucking huge.

Your son may or may not be feeling it as deeply as she is. He certainly isnt feeling the physical effects the way she is. He may be trying to process his own emotions, his own fear of disappointing you given your history, etc, even if you don't see it that way. He may be more in his head about it, or he may just want to be more private about his process. That's ok and it isnt a reflection on how close you are. He may just want to keep this close hold til he wraps his head and his heart around it a little more securely (or it's also entirely possible he just doesn't feel like it's as big a deal).

They may have chosen to go through it alone because that's what they thought best for themselves in the moment, much the way many couples choose to go through labor and delivery without family, because they want that privacy to feel their feelings without anyone else, supportive or not. Maybe she now regrets that choice, but it was a valid one. And she's bringing you in now and showing this immense trust and belief in your relationship that you will support her, and you have. That's a win.

I'm sure it brought up a flood of emotion for you. Supporting her/them in the way they ask for support doesnt mean you don't feel things too, it just means you put their needs ahead of yours and deal with yours yourself or through your own channels. You've done right by not asking or expecting the people who need your support to support you. Now you come here. And your feelings here are valid and normal and worth working through.

But seriously, take the win that she came to you. Sit with that, and understand what a beautiful thing that is.

It's highly possible she wanted to tell you herself if she feels close with you. I think it's an amazing sign that you were told at all. That's a sign that they trust you so I would recommend trying to continue to encourage that closeness and be supportive.

You are such a good mum. 🩵 My boys are only 9 and 10, but I hope when they’re young adults that I can build thr safe space that you have done. The fact that your son hasn’t spoken with you doesn’t speak to his trust in your relationship, probably just that he processes big feelings differently, and talking about it just now wasn’t what he needed. His gf obviously needed to confide in someone, and how lucky she is that you were there for her.

It’s because you love them both and you know that this was such a hard decision and no matter what they had chosen, it would have been the hardest decision they had probably ever made, that you’re experiencing so many hard emotions right now for everyone. But obviously you are radiating safety since she told you after the fact. This was a grown up decision that they had to make alone together, but afterward when it was hard and she didn’t want to be a grown up and needed a mom, you were there and loving and I think you should be very proud of that.

There are so many indicators here that tell the story of what an amazing mom you are and the job you did raising your son. Big hugs mama

I actually think your son was so super respectful to his gf by not telling you, though I understand how much your mum heart is hurting right now. There's no way they didn't talk about her telling you, and then she did, and you gave her the exact support your son knew you would give. You did good.

My first thought was that your son out of respect for his girlfriend might be letting her lead the way on who/when to tell since it was her medical procedure. I think her specifically coming to you shows that they do respect and trust you! I’m honestly impressed by what a good supportive son you’ve obviously raised

You're an awesome mom! 

I was that girl. I was a bit older, but very similar experience. I had an abortion at 22. Bf (who is now my husband) was 23. We were both still living at home, and I used to sleep over at his house all the time. The big difference is that I couldn't confide in my mom or his mom. Not at all. And my BF was terrified of anyone finding out.

The fact that she felt comfortable telling you? That's huge! And that you were there for her and she knows she can talk to you and cry with you? Huge. You are doing all the right things. And it's absolutely normal to have mixed emotions and cry about all of this. My abortion at 22 was one of the most difficult experiences of my life but it was the right choice for me. It doesn't mean I don't still wonder "what if?" or that I never cried about it. I cried a lot. But wow...if I had been able to tell my mom or my MIL? And gotten support? That would have been huge. It would have made such a difference. 

To put it in perspective: my abortion was almost 20 years ago. My MIL still doesn't know about it (probably never will). My mother will never know about it. I no longer keep it a secret, but I did for years. I don't think I've ever been able to openly talk about it with anyone. In two decades! Your son's girlfriend must love you and really trust you. That is huge. 

As for your son? I don't think it hits men the same way it hits women. It's just different. He might not be struggling and maybe didn't need to confide in anyone about it. But I'm sure he knows he can talk to you if he needs to.

But for real, you are doing amazing. You're a great mom.

What a wonderful mom you are! I’m sure this is a hard thing to process. Teenagers/early 20 somethings want more than anything (or at least I did) is to prove they are mature enough to make adult choices without needing help from mom. I’m sure they kept it private for genuine reasons, grief is weird at times. Sending virtual hugs your way.

She will never forget your reaction. I hope that helps. You sound like a good, loving mom and a safe space for her.

I imagine he was trying to respect her privacy, which is honorable, & also, she felt safe enough to tell you. She probably had no idea how hard & emotional it would be for her, even though it was the right choice for them right now. Don’t blame yourself, it sounds like they were doing everything right & trying to be super responsible. Accidents happen. Fortunately, they don’t have to become parents right now because of that. It’s still hard & a loss & there are hormonal changes so she’s probably feeling so much & please give yourself credit for being there for them. You are a good mom.

I am really, really sorry. That must have been a whirlwind of emotions in that moment.  I just have to say, you mention your son didn’t tell you.  But it’s really very likely he did encourage her to be able to talk to you. You’re a good mom and their rock to rely on. Whether they came to you as a unit or not, it’s you she trusted.   That’s such a big win in my book.  Please feel better bromo, it really is okay to be sad about something that shouldn’t have been.  💜

Your son either felt capable of processing this with only her, or he wanted to tell you but respected his girlfriend’s privacy and autonomy. Either way it’s a huge win. You’re clearly a safe person for both your son and his girlfriend. I hope you know what a big deal that is! You can think through a lot of “what ifs”, but at the end of the day it was her choice to make. Even if you provided a different environment and had all the money in the world, she still may have chosen abortion.

The first thing I thought was she must really trust you and respect you as someone she can look up to. You must be a really important person to her. That must feel really confusing, while you are feeling pride for them making a decision that worked for them, and maybe a bit sad or disappointed that your son didn’t share this with you.

I’m someone who it helps me to explain/air my decisions or experiences with someone else. My husband is the opposite and likes to ruminate on them and then once some time has passed on the decision/experience he will share. It. It could be similar for your son.

Either way, I do understand you can feel multiple feelings at once while also having no idea what to feel. All I can say is my thoughts are with you. I don’t speak to my parents and while I love my grandmother, she’s the only parental figure in my life and I can’t think of another parental figure I would share that experience with, so again…you are doing something really right. 🩵

You were in an incredibly tough position with that conversation and it sounds like you did amazing. I've not had an abortion personally but am super prochoice (even/especially as a mum of 4) but it sounds like you were there for your son's gf and gave her what she needed.

Just a thought but your son may not have told you about his gf's abortion out of respect of her privacy not because he didn't trust you or didn't feel able to tell you. It's not something he could discuss with you without letting you know his gf had a abortion or implying he'd cheated and the cheatee had an abortion if he wouldn't specify it was his gf who'd had the procedure (or doing the whole 'this happened to a friend of mine' shenanigans.

So take heart that your son put his gf's right to privacy & bodily autonomy over telling you, but now you know you can offer him a safe place to talk too.

All the best for your whole family.

I love you.

Thank you.

I think the fact she told you at all speaks volumes to how they view you. You're obviously a great mom. Maybe they discussed it beforehand and he didn't feel it was his place to mention it because it didn't happen to him personally, and she probably wanted to be the one to say anything about it if she chose to.

Speaking from my own point of view, that's how it would be if I were in their position. I would want to be the one to talk on this kind of subject. If my boyfriend did before I was ready I'd probably be upset with him considering I was the one who physically went through it.

Oh my gosh, you are such an amazing mom and support to his girlfriend. I hope you know how proud of yourself you should be.

There are circumstances that you've listed that are outside of your control ex. Mental health etc. I don't think at all you could have changed this situation.

Wow. You are amazing. I would have killed for a mother like you when I went through this myself. They’re so lucky to have you. Totally normal that you would feel emotional about this given that it blindsided you. Stay supportive in their corner, but also take time to process your own feelings ❤️

You are such an amazing mom… I wish mine was like you

You are a beautiful human. You are an exceptional mother. I cried reading this post, partly out of heartache for you and your children (let’s face it, they are both yours) but mostly out of adoration for how well you have loved them.

As a fellow biological mother, as an adoptive mother to a child whose birth mother was not ready, and as a woman who has had an abortion, I want to say thank you. You are doing all the right things. And the feelings you’re having about it are completely valid. You have the right to grieve.

But please don’t for a second allow that grief to lead you to believe you have done anything wrong. You haven’t. They’re adults. They didn’t need your help to make their decision. But they do need your help to deal with the aftermath which is when they (she) came to you. That is a gift and you are the right person for the job.

Sending you and your family a tremendous amount of love and healing ❤️‍🩹

We had three miscarriages before our rainbow that's due in six weeks, and his mother had a similar reaction when he said he didn't think she would handle it as they've been kind of standoffish about me and he didn't want to add stress to me especially with trying to ensure I didn't miscarry again.

She's been far more gentle and open with me now, but it speaks volumes that she spoke to you about it and opened up. You sound so sweet, just like my future MIL. When they do decide to have children, if they do, your relationship will be so lovely. Thank you for caring for her.

it's amazing that you were able to comfort and support her. abortion isn't an easy decision, even when it's the best decision. i wouldn't worry that your son didn't tell you. that seems very normal. 

I was extremely close with my parent and they never would have known if I hadn't blurted it out in an argument, almost ten years later.

And honestly, me never telling them had more to do with shame than their reaction. They would have supported me either way. They truly would have been there every step of the way. I was ashamed of my decision.

So sure, you can feel sad about this event in your kid's life. But you can't base the level of trust and closeness they have towards you on their silence.

First off, I’m sorry for all the emotions you’re going through… I understand how blindsided you feel and yes, even though the kids did what was right for them, the three of you are entitled to feel all the emotions that you are currently going through right now.

As for how to support them, do exactly what you’re doing. Be there for them. Let them guide the discussions… but let them know that you are there for them, no matter what. Time will help heal this, just be patient with them, and yourself.

You have given them both a stable home & the security to make choices in line with what they wanted. She did come to you for support & that speaks volumes! I don't think something sentimental would be helpful, but I think telling her your proud of her for doing something scary that aligns with her goals & beliefs. Even when its the right call it's hard. Pregnancy, post partum & parenthood can be incredibly destabilizing, especially for someone managing bipolar disorder. I think they made a responsible choice & trust you to provide supportive & empathetic comfort in this very vulnerable moment. You did a good job mom ❤️

I think good home cooking is soothing for all.  Sending lots of hugs to your household.