Exactly the title. I’m in my early twenties and have a 3 year old. She was a surprise baby and came at a very transitional time in life. I was a full time student and just barely graduated this past spring. I work full-time while I’m trying to apply for graduate programs that are part-time. My partner just opened his own business and is still at the beginning of his career, also working 14 hour days, two jobs, 7 days a week. We are both exhausted and trying our best. But we live in the most expensive state in the US and cannot afford to cut hours.
My mom makes me feel like I’m doing everything wrong. She was a stay-at-home mom, almost 30 years ago, and judges me for how I parent. My in-laws look at me funny because I don’t spend as much time with my daughter as I “should” (because I’m working, not because I’m going out).
My daughter is amazing. She is the smartest, most quick-witted and hilarious little girl. I’m in awe if her constantly. However, because of the lack of consistency in schedule and who’s watching her (switches between grandparents almost every shift), she can act out of character sometimes. I understand this is my own fault, but I’ve tried my absolute hardest to keep it uniform in each household and I have no control over what happens when I’m not there. If one grandparent was able to watch her every time, I would have that but availability is short and I run on everyone elses time, which again, I understand is a privilege regardless.
I guess I’m just asking for any and all advice on how to be more present. I’m so tired and try so hard but I’m solo parenting most of the time with someone in my ear telling me I’m doing it wrong. This isn’t my daughters fault, but unfortunately I feel like she’s getting the short end of the stick every time. I want to be a good mom. I don’t want her to think all I do is discipline her and run a tight ship, but she doesn’t listen because of the lack of structure. Honestly, any thoughts, hope, advice (hell, bring on even more criticism than I already get, I don’t care at this point lol) would be really appreciated. I need to know there is hope in this somewhere, cause right now I’m doing everything wrong.
Sincerely, a very tired, over-worked toddler mom.
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My advice: you’re doing a great job and need to stop listening to your parents and parents-in-law.
One of the hardest things as a mom is learning to tune out our own parents.
It’s been twenty years since your mom had a toddler to deal with, and times have changed.
Also, this is YOUR baby, not hers.
Also, I think it’s wonderful, just absolutely wonderful that your daughter gets so much time with all of her grandparents. Not many of our kids these days get access to this type of village.
Your daughter is acting out because she’s three!!! I also have a 3yo, and hoo-boi I cannot WAIT for this age level to pass. My 3yo lives with me full time, with his older brother, has consistency and routine- and he acts out. He acts out because he’s three!
A three year old’s job is to push boundaries. Our job is to just maintain them.
My advice is to just practice some sentences to use with your parents:
“Oh times have changed since you were my age, we’re doing what works for us as a family. How lucky that she has time with her grandparents.”
“lol no, we won’t be parenting like that! I’m glad it worked for you though, but we’re doing what works best for us.”
My other advice is to try to make sure that you take care of yourself too, try to have little rests when you can, because pouring from an empty cup is painful.
And remember time with kids is about quality, not quantity!
Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s funny because I tell my friends with younger kids the same thing about it just being the age. I guess I just don’t consider it for myself because everyone else says “well she acts fine with me” so I assume it’s me. But you’re right, I do need to stop listening to them and set some boundaries, I just worry the comments they make to my daughter about me and my parenting are going to make her think of me differently too.
yeah they should not be making comments to your daughter about you at all!! That makes me angry.
I remember being reeeaaallly exhausted when my eldest was 3 too! And my mom came and took him for the day. At the end of the day I said “phew you must be tired, I’m always knackered by the end of the day” and she said “nope, it’s easy, he’s so well behaved for me”.
And it was so invalidating that years later I still remember it.
BUT kids are always better for other people. I remember babysitting for my friends when their daughter was about that age, and I mean whole day and sometimes overnight and she would be a sweet little peach. Her parents would come home and she’d have a meltdown and I’m like “yeah cos you’re her parents”. . . but I forgot about all of that when I became a mom.
Hey, so if yours say anything like “oh but she is SO well behaved for meee” THEN say this;
“aww don’t worry, maybe after a while you’ll become safe enough to her where she can show her real emotions too. I love it when she’s safe enough with me, but it’s easy because I’m her mom.”
☺️