I’m honestly laughing because it’s so ridiculous. I’m trying to finally, finally get divorced. I called my husband, who I haven’t seen in 8 months, and asked for his address so I could send him the papers. He refused to tell me, instead saying we could fill them out together via email/printing. Okay, fine. Then he asked if I will “screw him over” in terms of custody/child support. I told him no, I just want it to be over with and to keep things as they are (he makes no effort to see his son, and rarely sends a little money if I ask). He replied that he wants to see his son, and that this is all my fault.
I asked when he would like see our son, and offered summertimes when it wouldn’t disturb his school schedule and they could do fun outdoor father/som activities. Husband replied, “No because then I’ll have to pay for him all summer!” ……….. -_- So I offered 1-2 weeks during the summer instead. Keep in mind he has been present for about 9 months in total of our son’s life. Husband’s response: “Only one week with my son?! I want 50/50! I want to see him whenever I want and be able to make decisions for him!”
He then started berating me for taking our son away from him (we were living with him in a camper in the middle of nowhere with barely any electricity, plumbing about 10% of the time, and showering with water bottles because he didn’t allow water when he was mad at me. We had to leave lol). Idk what to do. I was considering just letting him have shared custody because I know he’ll never use it and we wouldn’t get child support from him anyways. That way I could just get divorced. But then my friend brought up that he could use that to prevent me from moving out of state in the future, which I plan on doing.
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Living in a camper, limited access to basic utilities, and he only wants to see his child if he doesn't have to pay for him? Honey, move all communication going forward to text messages and petition the courts for full custody.
Do not wait for him to agree with you to file for divorce. Prepare your paperwork, file it with the court, and have him served by a process server. Ask for full custody with support and let him respond through the courts.
He may not even need to respond at all to get divorced. You can request a default judgement.
If you want to move out of state, you should do that BEFORE you file for divorce.
Also... there are some likely mistakes you were making here. He is legally obligated to provide support for his child. Each state has minimum amounts that the parent should pay based on a percentage of their income. Your child is owed that money and you should accept that money. If you feel you don't need it then put an equivalent amount into a savings account for the child each month so that they can have it when they turn 18 or for down payment on a house someday. But don't just decline it because the child is entitled to support from Both parents. In my state it's 18% of income for one child and 22% for two children, but it is calculated differently everywhere, so you should get guidance on this specific to your state or the state you plan to move to etc.
Also... don't underestimate the cost of summer camp. Where I live - ina. High cost of living area- if you want to send your kid to day camp all summer it's about $8-10k. You should keep this in mind because when daycare expenses for the child and and you need to go back to work you still have to have care for them all summer long. The other parent is supposed to ensure that the child also has financial support so that both parents can work. Imagine having to quit your job every year before summer because you can't afford summer camp on your own, but never having to quit his job because he relies on you to watch the child all summer.
I think you need to set up some consultations with attorneys to get advice here because you're going to make a mess of things if you don't understand the long-term consequences of what you're putting on paper and you're trying to do stuff like refuse all support and later move out of state
At the bare minimum, look up your state's child support tables, and if you do plan to give Summer physical custody to your ex, make sure you have it in writing that you don't contribute towards the bill for childcare in the summer so that he can keep working , and possibly put in writing that he will pay for mutually agreed-upon childcare for working hours in the summer so you don't find out that he has the kid for the summer but his latest irresponsible fling of the moment is "totally watching" your kid all summer so he can save money and maybe she's irresponsible etc.
Speak to a lawyer. consultations are usually for free or low cost.
I do my own divorce and custody agreement (but I actually DID go to law school first, though I never practiced family law and didn't know anything about it), and I WISH I had included the language about financial contribution towards summer childcare in my custody agreement. We had kept it loose that I would have 100% physical custody and we would have shared legal, and I found a place just down the street within walking distance that he could rent so he could still do the kids three nights a week and drive them to school in the morning.
After his one year lease was up my ex moved out of state, and decided he'll just see the kids whenever he feels like it which turns out as one day a month when he comes back to this state and takes them out for pizza and a movie. That basically means that all summer childcare falls to me because all childcare falls to me by default since he no longer exercise exercises any of his visitation. I absolutely wish that my divorce and custody agreement had included applause that he had to financially contribute for summer childcare expenses AND additional babysitting hours for when he doesn't use his visitation. Because he has free as a bird and can do whatever he wants to stay in and out and now I have them 100% of the time by myself and have to pay $30 an hour for a babysitter if I want to do anything outside of working hours, which adds up quickly.
He went from being a guy who "would never let me take his kids!" to guy who has to be reminded he even HAS kids, and never ever does his share. This leaves me with $20 K an extra unexpected expenses a year just to be able to work in the summer months, and probably an extra $9-12K a year in babysitting expenses, if I want to have any sort of life outside the walls of the house not during working hours in Sept-June. That's basically like paying the cost of infant daycare EVERY YEAR FOREvER by myself.
This element of language assigning childcare costs - I haven't heard much about it & it seems so important! Maybe it's a default thing that is routinely addressed in proceedings, but I think you should make a post about it cause damn!
Also, I'd like to add some language here about college costs. This is also something you should consider. An important reason for this is that even after your child turns 18, colleges and the FAFSA we'll take the father's income into account when determining whether or not to give financial aid to your child and how much. Basically, if you don't design a plan for how much he will contribute, and make him put it in a college savings account or be responsible for paying it at the time it is due... Your child will still be penalized for that amount anyway, and not given enough financial aid because they impute a certain amount that Dad "should be paying" and reduce the amount of scholarships and federal funds the child can have by accounting for what dad should be contributing. This runs until the child is 21.
So, down the road, for example, even if you don't ask for $300/mo into college fund now, they will reduce the amount of scholarships and grants and loans that they offer based on what the father should've been contributing, and your kid will get screwed out of it even if they never "collected it" from Dad at all.
I also want you to add language for Teenage years costs. Half of the cost of getting a drivers license including drivers ed, half of insurance for the car, half of the car and maintenance of said car, half of gas. Half of Prom costs, Half of AP class cost (or advance classes/College credit classes) Half of year books, Half of class ring etc. Half of what ever hobby the kids has at the time.
If you think your kid is expensive now...Teen years are out of this world.
Yes. I spoke recently to someone who had their stuff set up by percentage of income per parent. They knew already what percentage of the car they were going to be paying for, do their child that would be a teen in 10 years.
I am glad they did. I have a 15 year old and I am in awe in how expensive she is. It was nearly $700 for drivers ed alone Let alone the time it took me to drive her to the class and back (it was on the entire other side of town) and it was HARD to even find her a spot for the class. Her insurance to drive is at least $220 a month. Since she does not have her license quite yet, she turns 16 in June, I wont know the exact cost of her insurance till then And Gas will be at least $140 and that is only 2 tanks a month.
And she is all ready talking about Prom....Yikes
As someone who was stuck in the worst living situation in the world because of being forced to live in a horrible county, YES TO MOVE FIRST! MOVE FIIRSST BEFORE YOU FILE, especially since if he doesn't show up to wherever you file, it helps a default case
Not to mention emergencies. I also live in a HCOL and after 6 years of paying $300-$350 a WEEK during the school year and like $500 a week during the summer, we were so happy when kiddo started 1st grade and only had to pay $200 a month in aftercare.
We literally got less than 2 years of that break because when he was in the last few months of 2nd grade, they closed the schools for the pandemic. My ex owns an auto repair shop so couldn't stay home and my work wouldn't allow it so we were suddenly back to paying $350 a week for "Remote-School Child Care" (which defeated the fucking purpose).
Even when they went back part time, the cost stayed the same because they could only accept a certain number of kids. At one point, we were paying $350 a week for 2 half days a week and aftercare. You just can't predict that kinda stuff.
No way. He doesn’t just have 50/50 on paper and an option of having him if he wants. If he wants 50/50, then he should get him that much. And it definitely doesn’t sound like he wants much at all, other than low or no child support. I would not agree to anything, and contact a lawyer. It seems like he’ll do anything to weasel out of his responsibilities.
He didn’t allow water when he was mad at you. How’s he going to treat your child when they’re alone? It’s worth fighting for sole custody here and honestly even supervised visitation. You’re going to need a lawyer if you don’t already have one.
DO NOT give him 50/50 custody. And this comes from someone who actually shares 50/50 custody with kiddo's dad. This would not benefit you what-so-ever and could seriously come back to bite you in the ass some day.
Raising a child is expensive. You might not need the help now but what if he wins the lottery next week? You know not a penny of that will go to you or your costs for your son. I highly recommend looking into resources about finding someone to mediate and draw up your custody agreement. Afterwards, keep notes of every child support payment he misses and every scheduled day with his child that he misses.
But more importantly, depending on state laws, you might have trouble leaving the state your son lives in unless it's written into the custody agreement that you can leave or that you can prove he's shown zero interest in being a father to your child (refer to last sentence in second paragraph).
Please tell me you have a lawyer. This guy is trying to screw you over. DO you trust your child with him? Fight for custody!
No girl. You agree to absolutely nothing and put absolutely nothing on paper without your lawyer’s direct specific advice.
Do not let the light at the end of the tunnel make you complacent. Do not give him an inch.
He wants 50/50 custody on paper because if that’s on paper his financial liability will drop to almost nothing. He’s fucking with you and playing you as a fool. Stop talking to him completely. Lawyers only!!!!!!
Nope.
You do everything by the court. Lawyer get a lawyer.
This feels exactly like when I got divorced, almost like a slightly different alternate reality version. I waited and waited for him to work with me on getting divorced, he never did. I filed on my own, he never responded. He asked for 50/50 afterwards and no child support and instead of letting it default to give me EVERYTHING I refiled and gave it to him. Why? Young. Stupid. Afraid of being seen as a crazy gold digger like his family claimed (even though we were constantly without a place to live and had no money, what "gold"?). It complicated my finances, my schedule, my career, my ability to move, everything--all of which complicated the life of my children. And did he use that 50/50 custody? No. He routinely cancelled his weekends, would go months without seeing them, and once I did move out of state he only sees them once a year for a couple weeks in the summer. Doesn't even call them.
Moral of the story: DON'T DO IT. If he really wants it, he can legally try to take it, but chances are he won't. File for that custody & support, mama, your kids deserve it.
Call a lawyer, BroMo. Fuck being nice to this asshole. Protect your son, get the legal coverage you both need.
My husbands ex wife literally told him she wanted 50/50 on paper “but obviously [he’d] have her more”. They started at 50/50 and when she barely had my stepdaughter overnight, my husbands lawyer recommended modifying the custody schedule. His ex wife has every other weekend for four overnights where my stepdaughter stays at her grandparents house while mom visits there.
Making you use water bottles to shower because he’s mad at you sounds like abuse to me… I personally wouldn’t be letting him have unsupervised visits because who knows how he’s going to punish your son?
You’re used to placating him because he was abusive. He is still abusive, but you do not have to placate him anymore.
He does not have to agree to divorce and custody in order for you to file. Also, get counsel and get him served. This is clearly not a person you could just sit down with and expect to agree upon a reasonable and fair legal agreement with long term implications for you and your child.
Stop trying to “work things out” with him without an attorney, because you are still in a headspace (which is very typical after exiting an abusive relationship) that you are not thinking straight nor protecting yourself and your child to your full extent, in hopes that bending over backwards will make him be more reasonable; It will not.
Please see a lawyer. This will affect your rights on where to move, your rights to medical decisions for your kid, child support. Please talk to a lawyer.
Girl you need an attorney like yesterday. Get full legal custody and have child support taken out of this ass clown's paychecks.
Do not allow him to retain power over you if he is not doing his share.
File for custody and support. Dont leave your child in "maybe"
Hahaha! Ah, that's a great joke 😂
He can go sit on a cactus.
If he wants 50/50, he gets to have the kid half the time. If he don't want that, he doesn't get 50/50. Either he agrees, or lawyers up! And considering his reaction to having him all summer... I don't think he'll get the lawyer.
H! I hope I might be able to help:
My ex-husband and your situation is/was almost identical to mine.
Mine accused me of baby trapping him but he also wanted 50/50 but not really and absolutely did not want 0 custody and to pay child support.
So this is what I did,
I filed for 50/50 no child support with one clause "I had sole custody in determining the physicial living location of our son without limitation to milage."
It sounds like what your stbx is trying to do is not exactly parent but have access to you for 18 years via being legally obligated to parent for him, which I'm sure it was probably already like that before hand.
And no, it's not your fault he's an abusive spouse, because that's what this is. You didnt break your family up or ruin his parenting: you got tired of holding your and his end while he take the laurels of perceived parenting.
I'm two years out from that scenario so I get the emotions and confusion whole heartedly.
To put it into further perspective from this side of things after having a similar situation:
The father did exactly what I expected he would, fade away after he no longer had control over me and now instead of scheduling time himself to see his son he puts it on his son to do...which the kid is 9....so yeah that's a thing.
Absolutely not. Respectfully, this man is abusive. Your child would be in danger if you left him with him. This is not an "lol" situation. Please divorce him and allow AT MAXIMUM monitored supervised visitation. This man sounds like an absolute narcissistic psychopath. I will pray for your child that you never leave him alone with that man. He is dangerous.
Seriously, fuck him and let the courts handle it. He doesn’t even have a safe place for your child to go! Until he gets his shit together, he gets ZERO custody.
I BEG you to speak to a lawyer about your rights here, before you discuss anything further with him. There are often services around who will support victims of family violence with legal services, at least they definitely exist in my country.
Yeah, any kind of shared custody would effectively prevent you from moving across state lines or even out of a certain radius.
I was in a situation where I needed to get divorced and moved, and consulted an attorney in my area and in the area I was planning to move to. Definitely don’t file yet if you’re planning on moving.
Has he not seen your kid in 8 months, either? Or sent money? In my state at least, that equates to child abandonment.
I highly recommend keeping contact with him to a minimum and be extremely boring but not enough to raise red flags. Talk to a lawyer before you do anything. You shouldn’t have to personally mail divorce papers. You can file without him. He doesn’t even have to agree to want to get divorced.
For the not legal aspect of it… Yes, it’s completely laughable. Men will really not parent at all and then demand 50/50 (or hell, even full custody) and STILL expect to not have to parent if it’s not convenient. I always loved the excuse “but I have to work.” Umm yes, don’t we all. If I have to work and absolutely don’t have childcare available, I simply have to miss work. And yes, it affects my career and overall career trajectory. I mean bffr. Marriage is a scam.