The fact is there are so many factors that play into how we turn out in life. Sure, having parents who do a great job will impact a child more positively than the opposite. But what’s a great job? Just having wealth, status and opportunity?

I’m dating someone who came from wealth, siblings all went to boarding school, speak several languages, blah blah blah. But his parents were wildly neglectful & abusive. And what’s success? A high paying job and multiple degrees? That isn’t my idea of success and it might not be the children’s either. I’m a farmer who plans on tending to the land for the rest of my life. I’m living my dream but some people would think the opposite.

This question is just too complex.

My children’s happiness and stability is all I care about. I always told mine that I can’t live their lives for them. I gave them the opportunities and tools to succeed so it’s up to them to use them to accomplish their goals. Or not.

Every situation is different. My parents both worked in healthcare, have zero debt, live in the suburbs in a low cost of living area in a southern state, and are lower middle class comfortable with a paid off house, and modest security for retirement. I have a higher level of education with a Masters degree, but am single in middle age, rent with roommates in a high cost of living area in NYC, and have student loan debt, and somewhat secure retirement. My job is about as secure as theirs were but yet I materially have less because of different circumstances. On paper, they are doing better overall but I have freedom, and wouldn’t trade that for their level of success. They are very insular people who don’t experience much, aren’t that curious, are content with the status quo. These are go to church, maybe travel to see family, but don’t do much else type people. These are people who think there is nothing to do in Los Angeles. These are people who learn most of what they know from tv. I have never been like that. I chose to be wild and experience different places, fell on my ass a few times, figured it out a few times, and am curious about life, art, culture. I also had so many traumas that I’ve survived that I know I could be way worse off than I am. Sometimes I beat myself up about not having more but, whatever. My worth isn’t tied up in marriage, my bank account balance, and home ownership. Me being my own person is a win. 

You lose the moment you put expectations on a new human. You can't guarantee their personality, their wants or their drive. Nature and nurture don't work like that.

If all of your kids are living a life opposite of what you wanted, maybe take a look at why they fled to the other end of the spectrum.

I’m an adult offspring of 2 parents who grinded to elevate the family who didn’t or maybe hasn’t reach their perceived potential.

I did extremely well up into hs and moved away to a good college where I went through a lot of abuse and trauma which tanked my grades. Didn’t end up officially graduating and have been in and out of work since (I’ve worked everywhere from front desk jobs to the biggest tech companies but end up getting laid off or fired).

I just haven’t really done well since and currently live at home, currently underemployed. My other siblings are fine and are in graduate school, so doing well otherwise.

My parents don’t know anything about the abuse or much about my employment history but they have vocalized being disappointed in me. I feel like if they knew everything they wouldn’t be as hard but think they’d be sympathetic but it’s been a few years now so they’ve given up.

My parents did everything right (maybe not emotionally) so I wouldn’t put it on them on how I turned out

I’m an adult only child who grew up in upper middle class with parents who had PhDs. I played 2 sports, and was in a service group that met every Tuesday. My schedule was always laid out for me, I was always told what to do and sometimes how to feel.

As an adult, it’s hard for me to do anything without being told what to do or how to feel about it. It’s hard for me to commit to things I’m unsure of because I’m used to being good at everything. I don’t ask for or receive help in any way from my parents and I do end up in really good corporate positions but I’m not a ‘black excellence’ person. I am a low achiever and i like to have me time more than I like money or talking about how successful I am. I am simply just not motivated by money or the rat race.

Well, there’s not enough information provided to respond with an informed answer. I mean, are these young adult children who haven’t yet seized opportunities like college, but are early 20’s and otherwise working and/or self-sufficient?

Are there other serious and deeply rooted issues or medical diagnoses like addiction/substance use disorder that explain (note: not an excuse, but an explanation or reason) lack of stability or progress towards major life goals?

Do the adult children have other demonstrated passions or goals that they’re pursuing, but aren’t typically well-paid or achieved via a traditional college/university path? Like performing arts, automotive industry, or other careers/interests that are very worthwhile, however, firsthand work experience are how one builds this career path and college isn’t necessarily a requirement?

It’s hard to tell from the post whether there’s an actual “problem” at-hand and these are unmotivated, lazy or otherwise dysfunctional adult children…or they simply took a path OP and their spouse/coparent didn’t envision and OP is having a hard time recalibrating expectations for independent and thriving adult kids doing things on their own terms

I’m the parent of adults who on paper may not look as successful (yet) as their parents. They grew up in a different country from me, and a whole different world. COVID interrupted a lot of things, and jobs that used to be easy to get are disappearing or filled by temporary foreign workers (who are exploited). The whole structure of social life is different. I didn’t have a cell phone until I was 35, they got them at 13. Also, the old expectations (graduate, get a job, married by age X, house and children by age Y) are going to have to change. Did you feel rushed to do things by a specific age? I know I did, and regret not having taken a couple of detours.

Our children have different interests, skills and knowledge from us. They’re doing the best they can in the time and place we live in. I don’t expect that they could replicate my life, even if they wanted to. I just want them to find their peace and be able to carry on when I’m gone.

Who envisioned these lives for them? What did they envision for themselves?

Both my parents climbed the corporate ladder and make six figures; my dad being the wealthier parent. They completely ignored my mental health struggles and assumed bc I was smart I’d somehow land on my feet. That never happened. I know they wish I had a serious career or more money, etc. But I watched them both be unhappy despite having money, and I knew then that chasing a dollar was never going to be my motivation.

I’m 35 now and while I do wish I could make more money, my life still turned out decent for someone who was suicidal throughout the 20’s and went through a lot of traumatic shit. I’m as happy as I could be in the life I built for myself without anyone else’s influence.

This mentality is why I don’t talk to my parents much and have had too much anxiety to go home for thanksgiving or Christmas. I feel like I’m not worthy of their love because I haven’t found a career using my degree. Every conversation we have turns back into school or work.

They don’t know my hobbies or friends’ names. They never involved themselves in my extra curriculars or hobbies growing up. any excitement I shared would immediately be dampened by them asking how that is relevant to my job.

I have really bad ADhd, anxiety and depression, all diagnoses they claim don’t exist in the family and that I just am being lazy about executive disfunction and rejection sensitivity. Facing an intense trauma during college destroyed my already fragile GPA, and it still impacts me in ways my family doesn’t get.

I’m grateful that I’m still on their car insurance and phone, but other than that I have been out of their house and financially independent for 10 years, yet I am still not good enough for them.

I feel like I should leave my parents alone until I can tell them I have a good job and want to leave the city I’m currently in. I feel that until then, they don’t want anything to do with me aside from criticize me, and I really can’t handle that.

I thought the purpose of having children was to love them, not remind them how disappointed they make you for not living up to their idea for you.

Sort of? I would be disappointed if she was unhappy with her life be she felt she wasn’t living up to her potential or if she lacked drive to be independent. Personally, I feel like she could be the first surgeon turned president but if she was happy working a retail job in a modest town I’d be happy as long as she was happy and not struggling to stay afloat.

Mine is reaching hers and I am proud of her!

However, if she wasn't I'm wise enough to realize it is her life alone. My perceived perception of her potential is just that my perception that has nothing to do with her, but my own unhealed, ego. I try not to go down the spiral of projecting my "should have", "would have" onto her.

She has her own individual life, with her own individual goals and me as a parent allow her to live her life and offer support when asked or when needed. If she makes a decision against my better judgement, I am there to offer support, but I let her navigate that as there are lessons there for her to learn. We all are on our individual journeys on this Earth!

My parents told me and my brother to do more for your kids than we did for you. That’s the standard in my household for the kids and spouses. Both my parents had masters degrees. My brother and I met the standard and I’m a better person for it.

My idea of my children's potential is not their actual potential or, more importantly, what they consider their full potential.

If they're stable, happy and healthy there's nothing to be angry about. You've done your job as a parent. Kids aren't born to fufill predetermined roles, no matter how soft they may be.

Clairvoyance isn't real. You can never 'see' what someones future may be. All you can do as hope and wish. Wishes aren't entitlements.

I just typed a huge rant that barely had an actual answer to your question so lemme just tldr cuz this got me in a certain headspace.

Were those children raised to recognize and prioritize their own personal growth? Or were they purely to achieve goals and earn praise like it's money?

Potential may not look the same to everybody as well.

As long as they have a stable income and are able to feed themselves, and also do what they enjoy. I don't care. Just be happy and healthy even after I die.

Becoming a parent itself is a selfish act. The world is dangerous, violent, and traumatizing. Even when they are minors, unless you spend every waking moment with your kids they are exposed to things that can cause them physical, emotional, or psychological harm.

You cannot control their feelings, desires, or ideologies. What they decide to do with their lives is on them and parents don’t really have much control over that. So you can be upset but it’s kinda pointless.

That drive will most likely be lost in sheltered kids. At that point the kids find little meaning in a life with expectations of living up to their parent's dreams. So they'll either most likely have secret lives they don't tell you about, or simply follow their own path. Generational wealth is its own curse.

i mean theres alot of reasons my children may have ended up this way so i cant say how id feel

Not a parent, but an adult child who often hears how I’m wasted potential.

Yes I wished I would’ve done some things differently in life, but I don’t regret NOT following the route my mom had in mind for me. I would’ve been miserable and I honestly wouldn’t been able to handle the pressure.

I can use myself as an example. Based on how I grew up. I had parents cover things for me. But at the same time I have a narcissist for a parent with extreme cases of mental health illness that were undiagnosed at the time that has caused decades of trauma towards me. Honestly having 2 parents that were just normal would’ve done a lot more for me in life verses the situation I am in now. All I can do is move forward in life and do what I can to get by.

I learned to let that shit go. My kids aren’t on drugs, in jail, and they work and are law abiding citizens. I didn’t live up to what my parents wanted me to be. 🤷🏽‍♀️