After several failed situationships from online dating, a little over 1 month ago, I met a guy irl at an event. He seemed into me so after a few drinks we got to casually talking at a bar, exchanged numbers, and have been talking daily since. We met a few times at local places I had suggested, he paid. He’s 7 years older than me, and lives in his family’s house basement apartment. He’s kind, attentive, and supportive, checks up on me, encourages as I am job searching since I'm currently unemployed, buys me food, and calls me everyday as he wfh. We’ve kissed and cuddled several times but haven’t had sex; I’m proud I’ve waited. After my last situationship I vowed to myself that I would wait until I'm sure on someone. I like the comfort and care, but I’m unsure if I’m truly attracted to him or just bored from not working or enjoy the nice attention as I never really experienced that. Since he is super sweet and kind he seems to have a lot of female friends that talks to him about the relationship drama. He seems ready for a serious relationship and displays boyfriend-like behavior without asking to be official. Example lately it's been a few "Who's texting us?" if we were on the phone and someone texted me or "Once you get a job, I already know you are going to break up with me" and remarks on if I was planning on going somewhere and did not mention it.
I’m concerned about differences in age, lifestyle, and chemistry (his height not my preference but I can accept that; his breath/teeth are things that can be fixed). I feel like he is taking advantage of the fact that I'm free all day to call me on the phone and talk for a long time in order to build a connection. He offers to pay for a lot of things and I appreciate it but I sometimes have to tell him to not worry about me. Not sure if it's because he's older but I sometimes feel like he's trying to do everything to lock me down now and I honestly never really experienced a lot of nice guys. As much as I enjoy talking to him, I can't but shake the feeling that I should have more dating experience before settling down. Advice on whether to pursue this, set boundaries, or slow things down?
Those two examples you gave at the end aren’t really giving me boyfriend behaviour more like entitled or insecure behaviour girl. That would actually be a red flag to me.
Yup I agree I see that too now. I was just maybe brushing it off in order to still trying to get to know him.
100%
If you have to wonder whether you're attracted to him, you're probably not. You wouldn't want to lead him on and you're wasting your own time by dragging things out.
The two quotes you gave at the end gave off an insecure man who's rushing things. All this happening in a month or two sounds suspicious. I'd have a chat with him about what his interests, hobbies, beliefs, and ambitions are and see if they align with yours. I'd also suggest thinking about his behavior towards you from the moment you two met up until now. Does anything concerning stand out?
Nothing too concerning, we are from similar background have some common hobbies and beliefs. Towards me is has been nice but when we talk and joke around that's when he makes certain comments so I have been taking notes
Him living with the parents and making those statements are a huge giant red flag. Sounds like an insecure entitled man.
If he's still somewhat young (under 35), I might not think anything about his living situation as long as he's working and self-sufficient. Things are expensive, and the economy is shit.
But the insecurity (I know you'll break up with me if you have options) showing up as presumptive control (Who's texting US?) is a big red flag. GTFO... Just no. That's not boyfriend behavior. That's not husband behavior. That's some kind of royal “we” enmeshment of identity nonsense, and I'm guessing he's not the king of anything—least of all you. This is a guy who could potentially try to cut off your options to keep you trapped so he doesn't have to worry you'll leave.
Dumping him now is totally understandable and maybe advisable.
But if you want more data, I'd take a week to set some gentle boundaries and see how he responds. That will tell you what you need to know. If he calls in the middle of the day, cut off the conversation after a few minutes and tell him you're busy and will get back to him when you have time. Or let his call go to voicemail and respond by text, “I don't have time to talk right now. Hope you're having a good day.” Go a day without talking to him at all. It's only been a month. Don't let him command and monopolize your time, and see what happens. ANY amount of whining or pouting because you don't make yourself available to him for hours on end is grounds for immediate dismissal. Not one iota of comment/look/complaint.
What's the hurry and anxiety about? I saw this online the other day, and I think it's totally true. “The right person gets better with time. The wrong one gets exposed with time. Slow. Down. When. Dating.” Rushing for attachment can be a sign he's worried about exposure.
Thank you so much for this. For perspective he's 38 and I'm 31 but do not have a lot dating experiences so I was wondering if I was overthinking things.
Someone in here recommended the Burned Haystack method. There’s a Facebook group and the woman has an Instagram page with great info about understanding the rhetoric (communication patterns and meaning) of dating. It’s very helpful to get confident reading verbal cues and knowing when to cut off a new relationship.
And at 38, I’d say goodbye to this guy. Nice and kind are too different things. He could be love bombing you with nice (buying dinner, showering attention) and be unkind (controlling, manipulative). He’s too old for this immature behavior, and his living situation is now a red flag in my opinion.
Gurl reread everything you said. It doesn’t sound like you’re into him at all… it’s like you’re trying to convince yourself. He seems a bit annoying. I don’t think you should pursue this
💯% agree! Not to mention his oral hygiene is sus!
pull back, learn to trust your gut and intuition.. then move on and continue the work.
Honey, why are you seeing a bad breathed barnacle who lives in his parents’s basement?
He is love-bombing you. He’s taking up your time and insinuating himself in to your life.
I think he only offers to pay for things because he’s sure you won’t accept. If he had money like that why would he live in his parents’s basement?
Be careful with this type of guy. He’s a parasite trapping you in to being his next host. He’s literally worried that you escape him the minute your life improves.
Your best bet is to cut him off completely before you find him living with you. You’ll be the one supporting him instead of his parents.
Lmfao!!! I’m sorry, but I just died at “barnacle”!!! 🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Effort has to be reciprocal so whilst hes in an overgiving mood, resentment can build up later if you dont draw a line and take your time.
Consider whether youre compatible (family goals, religion, social life, politics, sex kinks) on a practical level because these factors increase longevity more than emotions. You have to know who you are and what you want before you can guage if someone is the right fit for you.
I say this with big sisterly love…but these are very concerning red flags you named. Control issues, insecurity, asking you to “prove” your feelings for him to heal his own lack of self-worth.
May I ask your age? Not bc you sound like a child, but bc from what you’ve shared, I’m concerned this is like a 30 year old grown man who is targeting a very young woman and borderline grooming.
I’m not calling you a child or trying to insult you at all. But you sound like you maybe don’t have a ton of dating or relationship experience. And it’s more based on what you’ve said about him. Bc unfortunately, a lot of men know that young women with less life/relationship experience are easier targets for manipulation and even later abusive behavior.
Bc those two examples you gave aren’t “boyfriend behavior” - those are really alarming and concerning red flags. Asking who is texting you?! Commenting whether you’re going somewhere or have plans, but didn’t mention it earlier?! Saying he knows ur gonna break up with him once you get a job, and expecting you to reassure him?!
Sweetheart, those are indicators of abuse. Manipulation. Serious controlling behavior and insecurity that already - and you just met a month ago - he’s expecting you to satisfy and alleviate through reassuring him.
That’s why I asked about age. Bc a 33 year old dating a 40 year old isn’t concerning. But a 29 or 30 year old with indicators of abuse, control, manipulation, love bombing? It’s not an accident or coincidence someone like that would go after someone who has pretty recently entered adulthood, such as age 22 or 23.
Again, I’m not trying to make you feel young or small. But this is really concerning behavior and when you’re less experienced in life and relationships - like we all were in our teens and 20’s - you don’t recognize red flags as well as you do once you gain more wisdom with adult experiences.
It sounds like now might be a good time to really focus on your job search, building and maintaining your friendships and taking up a hobby or even like a daily walk. (Bc girl, we’ve all been there with boredom when you don’t have a full-time job to structure your day around).
I’m currently searching for a new job myself and doing contract consulting in the meantime. And i can totally relate to your self-esteem taking a hit or feeling bored when your career hits a speed bump! I kinda get that sense from you, like you’re not seeing yourself as valuable as you are than if your job situation was better at the moment. But you are just as worthy and valuable today as you will be when you soon find a job and get out of this employment slump many of us are in in 2025!
Take some time to yourself and focusing on friends, family, and then maybe reassess whether you want to reenter dating spaces in 6 months. Bc you deserve it!!
But this guy is BAD NEWS. He’s exhibiting indicators of a potentially scary situation. Or at BEST, he’s certainly not someone you’ll ever have a healthy relationship with if he’s already doing all of this.
And re-read your post. Your intuition is shouting at you that you don’t like this guy, and you sense something ain’t right. Listen to your inner voice - she’s a smart girl! ❤️👸🏾
Why doesn’t he already have his dental hygiene together and he’s 7 years your senior… he seems pretty immature you shouldn’t date for who a person can potentially be, date them for who they are currently.
the age gap, him living in his parent's basement, having a lot of female friends, and displaying boyfriend behavior when he hasn't actually asked you to be in a committed relationship are all red flags.
don't make any special exceptions for him. the men you aren't attracted to will still do you dirty.
You gonna get a job and get dental and add him to your insurance and pay all the deductibles and stuff to get his teeth fixed? Bc if he wanted fixed teeth he is a grown man he would fix them. I’m assuming you’re younger, do not try to get a man to change and fix him to your liking. He is who he is
This situation sounds interesting, but what I will say is I don't like all the confusion that's going on. He should be more direct and you need to ask way more questions. If you're looking for something serious /long term you need to start bombarding him with questions. Keep vetting him and see if he ever is caught lying or changing his mind on topics to please you (red flags). He shouldn't be hinting that you two are together (especially since he's older) he should directly ask you. Maybe he doesn't want to face rejection, maybe he's insecure, or maybe he's not looking for anything serious but expecting commitment from you. The living situation isn't bad if he's financially responsible and not a mamas boy,.... NO KIDS EITHER!!! Don't get caught up with gifts or him trying to pay for things. Men expect things in return if they're giving you things. Pay close attention to him(you should do this with anybody) but try not to nitpick If you're SURE that his flaws aren't a big deal then maybe you should move forward. But don't let yourself get pregnant, still no real established relationship, and you realize you hate him and settled Ask about politics if that's important to you, redpill stuff, money scenarios, past relationships, his family upbringing. I could go on and on tbh
Omg his teeth AND breath are janky?!😱
Forget online dating ur better then that