Me (30F) and my boyfriend (30M) just did our Christmas gift exchange yesterday. I thought everything was great until he texted me this out of the blue today:
"I feel weird about our Christmas, it seems I got you double or more than what you got for me, even though I had let you know I had spent a lot of money on your Christmas and you had said yesterday “you were tired of shopping for me”
For context, in the past I usually spend around $100-200 on his Christmas gifts, not that I'm actually counting or anything. And I'm sure he spends around the same on me, not that I've ever asked.
This year, he has more money than he had last year so I asked him MULTIPLE times in November what our gift budget for each other should be. He never gave me a response and skirted around the answer or said "idk" so I just spent my usual, probably around $150.
I bought him 7 items. He bought me 8. So we had around the same number of gifts. I got him some cashmere tops, workout gear, socks, misc stuff. He got me more items, but many were basic grocery/hair care items that I was going to buy myself but he insisted on getting for me when we were at TJ Maxx. But he also surprised me with this purse which was around $130 alone. Mind you, I did NOT ask for this bag at all... But I do like it and am grateful for it.
My guess is that this handbag purchase may be the reason why he feels this way. But again, I never asked for it.
I haven't texted back yet because I'm so gagged! Like I've NEVER given someone a gift and expected anything back. I wasn't raised that way. And then to text me this on top of everything is just weird. Like...? I'm honestly shocked and don't know how to respond.
EDIT: Thank you all for the comments. Lack of communication is an issue that he's had since I've known him in every aspect of his life (friends, family, work, me) I think it's bc he was raised in a toxic patriarchal environment where his own dad never spoke up about any issues: money or feelings or parenting or anything controversial. Dad was either getting his way or he was silent. His mom ended up filing for divorce and he never saw an example of healthy communication in relationships growing up. (I didn't either tbh) It's deep stuff that we've talked about before but I really had to pull the conversation out of him lol.
I know that it may not be worth it in the long run, but any advice on what to say to start the conversation would be helpful. We have been together for years so simply breaking up out of the blue seems a little hasty. I feel it at least deserves a conversation.
He sounds very transactional. He should be giving out of a place of love… not keeping tabs on how much you got him compared to how much he got you. Esp when you even asked about budget…. Weird.
Yeah, this sounds transactional
Sister you were more than generous. It seems like he's keeping tabs and shit. This is why I give men grass as a gift
Grass 😹😹
Straight from the Easter baskets 😂
Your presence in his life is a gift in & of itself. The fact that you bought him anything, ever, is more than enough. If it were me, I'd tell him he can take back the gifts he "thoughtfully" purchased since he's in his financial feelings.
"when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." -Maya Angelo
This needs to be pinned.
This is one of those very critical moments where we see someone’s character. This will not be the first time you see this trait.
Hopefully you two can resolve this like adults (because he needs to be called on it). If not, you’re either going to accept it or move on.
But don’t act surprised when he does it again.
My favorite thing to do in these situations is to confront them by asking “why”:
Why do you feel that I got you less than you deserved?
Why do you believe that I should have spent more money on your gifts?
Why are you dissatisfied with what I gifted you?
Why is this so important to you?
And one more, why didn't you ANSWER me when I asked what this year’s gift budget was????
My most charitable explanation is dude is super unaware of his own emotions and didn't realize he was setting himself up for disappointment by refusing to communciate. Less charitable one is that he's very dumb. Least charitable is that he did this on purpose so he could pick a fight with OP for failing to meet his secret expectations.
Also when some men make more money, all of a sudden their gf is a gold digger, even if it's the same gf who never changed her behavior at all...
I think its probably all 3
Im definitely gonna ask him to explain his thoughts to me, and all these Whys are a great start!
I wholeheartedly agree with your first point, definitely sets himself up for failure bc of communication.
I would disagree with the 2nd & 3rd because hes smart, but we're also pretty sure he's somewhere on the autism spectrum, so I try to be understanding when he doesn't immediately grasp some social concepts. But maybe I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt too much? Idk
OP, please don't mistake this for a communication issue when it is a character issue. this line of questioning might create the space for him to say a bunch of bs that makes you feel like you're really getting to some sort of deeper understanding, but the bottom line is that his behavior is selfish, unacceptable, and is a clear reflection of how he views you.
women are socialized to believe that relationship problems are fundamentally communication problems. that if you just find the right words, ask the right questions, explain your feelings clearly enough, he'll understand and change. there is no one question that will just clear all of this up. this is who he is (entitled) and it's your decision if you want to be with someone like that or not.
Idk. Again, hopefully he had no ill intentions but "what's our gift budget this year" is a pretty direct and unambiguous question, no? I'm not sure what aspect he would be failing to grasp, especially since this you've been a couple and exchanged gifts for multiple years.
Best of luck either way! You aren't wrong for feeling this weird and I applaud your desire to communicate with him.
This is not a communication issue
I would be completely turned off by boyfriends behavior because I don’t like men who wine. Yuck. But if OP care’s about him and wants to hear him out without leading with overt judgement— I think these questions are the right way to start.
Ding ding ding. Get to the root!
"get to the root" assumes there's a root worth finding. sometimes the root is just "I'm entitled and I don't respect you."
what the hell? idgaf about the "why." get out of my face with that selfish stingy bullshit lmao
Girl, this isn’t your relationship lmao
it's not your relationship either so why are you commenting about your favorite thing to do? oh, it's almost like that's what this sub is for...
Because she said she didn’t know what to do? 🤨
oh so you're sharing based on your POV, even though it's not your relationship? hmm...
https://preview.redd.it/dlem4keta19g1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ea805957ae9b1ed2ad696b19de98251eee67e151
Very funny and very real. Never thought about this b4. Not rare and not elusive . . .
wow
He sounds exhausting. Don't waste your time on this man anymore.
Yep, definitely this
it looks like he's punishing you because he refused to communicate with you (around budget etc)
I had an ex like that and this was just one of many signs of emotional immaturity, low self esteem, and ultimately abusive selfish behavior
you deserve better than a resentful man who is pissed that he chose to spend money on a purse for you.
did you show normal levels of appreciation? I bet he wanted over the top praise and thanks for finally showing up (if he's anything like my ex)
you got him thoughtful gifts and he got you groceries, a purse, and a tantrum
It's a common tactic of emotional abuse to be overly generous and then hold it over people's heads. It's quite subtle and nasty and usually takes people a while to figure out. I have a feeling he will continue to be ever so slightly more generous than OP so that he can continue to guilt trip her. Some people are unhealed and need conflict, and a sense of self righteousness or victimhood, to feel better about themselves/in control.
That's deep & seemingly simple at the same time. Much appreciated, thank you. 💚
Hope this helps OP & anyone else it resonates with.
I dated someone similar, they want accolades.
they also never give them
hate it
I don’t know if you’ve ever seen The Joy Luck Club, but somehow this reminds me of a scene where a woman’s husband split everything down the middle, including the flea treatment for the cat. When he asked her to pay, she was appalled and said you’re making me pay for the fleas on the cat you gave me??
This isn’t about fleas. This is about a man who keeps score. It’s calculated and controlling. Gifts are to be from the heart and this man is checking of equity boxes, making sure you are keeping pace. This will absolutely show up in other areas of your relationship if it hasn’t already.
Girl…run
Not OP but I read The Joy Luck Club back in the day and that scene has always stayed with me. It’s literally the first thing that comes to mind when I encounter situations like this. I don’t want to be with anyone who keeps score like that.
Seriously.. I’ve never forgotten that. Her mom was like, “ he’s got you paying for half his ice cream and you don’t even eat ice cream”!
Yeah..no
Sounds like he is dipping into redpill nonsense. Give him a 20 dollar bill to covere the difference and an exit to nitpick with someone else. Sir it was a 130 purse...not the hope diamond.
😂😂😂 thankfully he's NOT chronically online enough to be in the manosphere! He's never asked what I "bring to the table" or any bs like that cause it would be an INSTANT hell nahhhh
He seems exhausting and like he wants princess treatment. He seems like he’s not truly generous but only wants to give when he gets something in return. Just the smile on your face and bringing you joy and happiness should be enough of a thanks. Also he seems like a beta male, he doesn’t have the spirit of a provider man. I would dump him. This is a big red flag.
That tit-for-tat is childish. Is there love in this relationship?
Y’all better than me. This would be enough to break up over. Because why the fk you texting me bs like that?
He thought he parted the waters with that $130 purse. Did he expect you to OFFER something too? That’s what it’s also giving :|
He’s only going to get worse as the relationship progresses.
“I believe we have different values. I believe someone else is out there for you that matches with what you want. I wish you the best in finding that connect,” or some other bs. Girl. Time to GO.
He sounds shallow, entitled, and unprepared for a relationship. Your response should be what you have told us, OP, "I've NEVER given someone a gift and expected anything back. I wasn't raised that way."
I'm sorry that this is your experience in dating. I hope that you expect better of whomever becomes your partner for life, OP. Happy Holidays!
This whole thing is kinda weird. I've never had boyfriend act that way about giving me things. And my husband gives me stuff freely. I could get him socks and he would be happy even if he spends 1k+ on me. I've never done a gift exchange or gift budget for a guy either. I'd ditch him and find someone else. If you get married that behavior will get worse.
These men truly are in their "sassy" era, and it's evident every day. He should be grateful that you got him anything at all, that you took the time to pick out a gift that he might like, rather than how much you spent/how many gifts you got him. I suggest you wait until Christmas, get your gifts, and dump his ass before the new year. You don't need him dragging you down in 2026.
It's his fault for not setting the spending budget if he expected you to match him. He must have placed some delusional expectation on you that you were getting him something big and expensive, similar to him giving you a bag. He's not only entitled but also ungrateful.
Somebody needs to tell him that $100 for a bag is an excellent sale price...
😂
It was on sale!! A Telfar!! Idc about it being on sale bc Ill never blame anyone for scoring a deal in this economy. But if it was too much money, then why even buy it??
I try not to pay full retail on anything. And I love bags. My comment wasn't a knock on the bag or the amount spent—that is an excellent sale price and more accessible than dropping $450—but an indictment of his attitude regarding the purchase of the bag. We're talking value over cost. That's the tension between you: numerical amount vs impact of thought and generosity.
He doesn't even realize how stingy he's being because he doesn't calculate the value of things the same way you do. Quality over quantity and all that.
I enjoy buying gifts and im pretty good at it, i also spend around 150-200$ on my bf for birthday and Christmas gifts.
He is not a gift giver. He usually buys me little knick knacks. He spends maybe 50$ on me. This doesn't bother me at all, because i know gifts aren't his thing. Acts of service are. He might not buy me the most amazing decedent gifts, but when i needed a new pc, he spent days comparing parts and made a list of everything id need, found the parts in a color i like, then when i purchased the parts and they arrived he spent 3 days straight assembling a computer from scratch, installed all the software and put my data from my old pc on the new one.
Once i dropped my ipad and cracked the screen minorly. He took it to work and replaced the screen for me while i was at work without me asking. I could go on.
So in the end, it balances out. I buy him really good gifts and he inconveniences himself to do stuff for me, often without me asking.
Does the give and take in your relationship balance out? I think your partner is being ridiculous counting pennies like that regardless, but you should consider all avenues of give and take before tallying who owe who here.
The problem is giving shit like this any air to breathe. What he said to you is completely out of line. I get feeling it, but the fact that he said it out loud shows that he is a petty-ass, selfish man. I feel like when people say crazy shit to you, you shouldn’t even try to make it make sense or think deeply about it. You should just see it for the insane shit it is and move accordingly.
This man legit has a problem with the fact that he gave you more than he got from you. He doesn’t want you to have a gift if he doesn’t have one in exchange. And then HE TOLD YOU THAT.
There’s nowhere to go from here sis. The disrespect is just too blatant.
Ur better than me. I have a big family so if I spent $100 on one person I wouldn’t have enough money for everyone’s else’s gift lol
Man doesn't seem to treasure his woman. Petty BS you don't need in your life.
Girl run.
The 'bean-counting' is not a good sign. He'll never do or buy you anything from the goodness of his heart.
He seems a little zesty too. Very 'princess-ish' and a bit too demanding for a hetero male.
Don't let him ruin your Christmas. This is what Men do as a show of power in a relationship dynamic sometimes. They ruin birthdays, milestones, holidays with petty gripes like this. Personally, I think he deserves 0 gifts.
Yuck!!!!! 🤮 This would turn me off so much. At 30 he's literally counting how much you spent on him, yuck!
The guy I’m dating is estranged from his family & peacefully doing Christmas solo. He decorated his house a little bit because he likes to be festive.
I’m begrudgingly going to my family’s. We both could care less about Christmas and that’s why fingers crossed I hope I’ve found my person. We’re in alignment around all things holiday and that’s important, sis
Sometimes my husband’s gifts are a little subpar at Christmas lol but I don’t get upset. There was one time he bought me a foot bath spa and come to find out it was a vibrating bucket, no heat 🤣 He will not live it down and I bring it up everytime we discuss gifts lol. But it’s the thought that counts. I gauge his gifts by how thoughtful he is. Keeping score just seems petty and exhausting.
I feel there is more to the story. Did you say to him: “you were tired of shopping for me”
No. His family does Secret Santa every year, which is nice because I don't see his family often so it's a nice way to bond with them in a big group. But this year, we were randomly selected to be each other's Santas so we just exchanged gifts amongst ourselves.
Since we bought each other these extra gifts for SS too and I JOKINGLY said to him "we're probably tired of shopping for each other by now lol" or something like that. Literally told him to his face that it was a joke bc I don't mind gift-giving at all but maybe he does secretly mind?
PS. The purse was NOT the Secret Santa gift
ooookay.
Sweetie, I will pre face by saying: I TRULY HOPE I AM WRONG.
It's sounds like he's looking for a reason to break up with you. Just my instincts. First clue is him ignoring you when you clearly asked him a question, the second is that text trying to cause a fight.
I’m going to go against type (and comments) here: sometimes you feel something is fine, then it bothers you later. Preemptive communication is all well and good but you cannot predict all your future reactions. Similarly, it can often take a little bit to process a) that something hurt and b) why it hurt and c) whether it’s something to work through internally or work through as a couple. This incident doesn’t make him a demon, just human.
You can absolutely say “so for all holidays we’ll be setting price ranges” and tbh a “okay what are our money styles”? Bc MY preference in a partner (esp a man) is if someone’s making more than they did, we expanding the budget 💅🏾 but if he’s not like that (more a saver, prefers to spend in other areas, etc.), he’s not like that. And if YOU are like that, AND are bothered that he’s not like that, def worth a conversation
You've been together for years. You know him better than we do.
Is he generally loving and kind? Then it's probably something going on. Is he generally selfish and entitled? Then this is probably him being him.
I grew up in a transitional patriarchy. It's honestly exhausting. My father is a gift giver and I hate it because it's so little thought that goes into it unless it's money or have the receipt. I'm in my 30s now so I usually just return for something I want or put it on bills but he use it as a way to negate that he doesn't want to put the energy into getting to know his only child. On my maternity side, we stop gift giving when I was 18 unless we actually really want to (I bought everyone Broadway tickets one year). For my dad, I usually buy one big gift (Burberry cologne that I'm sure he's not wearing) so I don't feel like a bad daughter for the remainder of the year. I also think my dad's side is narcissistic so take what you will with that.
Idk. Before you ex him out completely. I think this needs an in person discussion. It’s an awkward text from him but worth finding out the underlying feelings.