Some context here: I coparent. Me & my long-term partner do not believe in god, are not religious, hence why I’m in this group… and the person I coparent with is newly religious (was previously not, did not go to church, was even traumatized in his 20s from joining a cult).
Post separation from Coparent, Coparent decided to go back to a Christian church, introducing our child to a pastor etc. I grew up Catholic & have separated from the religion about 15 years ago.
I’m struggling with Coparent telling our child that I’m basically “the devil” for not believing. I’m afraid that Coparent is using religion to indoctrinate the child, manipulating Child to do/say things to get Coparent’s way in pending divorce & custody proceedings. For example, Coparent is high conflict & recently called CPS, coaching Child to tell CPS that me & my partner are neglectful/abusive, letting Child know that Child will be forgiven by god even if he tells lies. Child told me this himself & CPS discussed Child was very obviously coached. I’m scared out of my mind to say the least, esp after having gone through that.
I’m honest with Child & say, yes I don’t believe in god. I believe in values, like kindness, honesty, etc, and 100% respect his beliefs. Child asks me to pray with him & I do it. My mom recently found out Child is fairly pious & gifted Child my childhood bible, given to me by my late grandfather. I accepted it and thanked my mom.
I’m curious what you guys’ opinions are on all of this & if anyone can give me any advice to parent better given the situation. I have nobody else to talk to aside from my partner because everyone around me is religious & firmly believe in god. Any parenting tips/advice?
Sounds like your ex is trying to alienate you from the child. Have you talked to your lawyer about all of this? And are you keeping a record? If not, do both immediately. You may also want to see about getting a court appointed therapist for your child so they can talk to a third party about the things your ex has been trying to get them to do and say. I wouldn't worry about the religious indoctrination right now. That can be dealt with once the custody is dealt with. It's the indoctrination against you as a parent that is the issue (yes they are tied together, but simply believing in god isn't the issue rn).
Yes, definitely have a lawyer & ongoing documentation.
I agree with needing a therapist who's expertise include religious indoctrination. Considering that we have 50/50 legal right now, Coparent is not gonna go for it. But hey, I am going for final decision or full legal so when the time comes (or when the court decides it's just for the best), that's a good thing to bring up. I do agree that believing in god isn't the issue right now. It's definitely the indoctrination.
With a court appointed therapist, it doesn't really matter what the other parent wants. It's basically the judge saying "this child is getting therapy." Going against the judge would be a great way for the other parent to lose custody fast.
Keep loving your kid and being supportive, but sounds like you need a lawyer if you don’t already have one.
Yes, we definitely have a lawyer. It just seems like we can’t “prove” any kind of emotional abuse which is frustrating.
I always told my child “faith is personal. You can choose what you want to believe in or not. You cannot tell other people how and what they should believe.”
Mine went through a phase bc her dad was making her go to church. When I was unconcerned and accepting of her choices, she decided she didn’t believe.
If your child asks you if you’re the devil or says their other parent told them you were, I suggest laughing. I know it’s wrong for the coparent to do, but from my personal experience, it puts you in a much better light with your child.
My ex told mine I had munchausen’s. I laughed and said “man, my case is so bad the federal government believes it’s a disability!” For the record, they have all my medical records and decided via magistrate that my illness is entirely physical and probable. My kid knew better and didn’t take him seriously. His actions negatively impacted their relationship.
I feel sorry for him. He has to obsess over me when I am completely indifferent to his existence. If you respond harshly in front of your child or denigrate the religion, it puts you on his level in your kid’s eyes. Not taking it seriously will help.
Yes, I do have a lawyer & have a binder of documents. Did you ever take your ex to court for parental alienation/emotional abuse? I want to get full physical & legal over this but I keep hearing that “emotional abuse is just so hard to prove”.
No. He had tons of money and I had none. He came from a rich family. The court system is stacked against the poor. If you have the means, keep the evidence and work towards proving it. Either way, stay on the ‘nice’ side of things.
Kid: “daddy says XYZ BAD THING about you and your beliefs.”
You: (laughs) “that’s just silly! Dad can believe what he wants, I really don’t care. I DO care about what you think. What DO you think?”
It opens the door for a conversation and builds trust with your kid. Kid will know you are open, not easily triggered, and kid can come to you for anything. Trust me, that alone is worth its weight in GOLD.
It's worth trying. At this point, my kid answers, "What do you think?" with "I don't know" 80% of the time. But hey, maybe there'll be a shift sooner than later. Thanks
No problem. If the answer is “I don’t know,” say “that’s ok, too. No one can know everything.”
You can set boundaries with your Mom.
Also, I wouldnt pray with the child, just let them pray on their own.
Just out of curiosity, would you "pray" with them if it's just being silent together or not at all? Also, what would you say if they ask you to pray with them?
This is highly suspect and I think religion is a poison you must protect young people from until they're old enough to know the difference between beliefs and facts. Remind everyone to accept their belief is fine but when they start professing to have the objective "truth" to everything in the world.