I (18M) have a pretty mid relation with my parents, ever since they discovered I'm a Christian they start looking at me like I'm weird, they love sneek dissing, they even want me to go seek therapy, FOR ONLY BEING A CHRISTIAN !
I have no mental illness, I have no tendancies, I'm just a regular dude, that's it. And it's not like I force them to eat Bibles everyday, I do my life and they do theirs, ok we have different opinions, but thinking I am sick just because of my religion I 100% joined willingfully is some next level fucked up stuff.
It's been a year since I became a Christian, and my life became so much better, I moved on my past, I found inner peace, I can finally enjoy Life, isnt it what parents want, the happiness of their kids ? It's not like I'm killing people and have a box on my head, I'm not in a sect (I'm non-denominational anyway, maybe Catholic in a way but I dont follow manmade traditions), I'm just yo average Christian neighbor, trying to do better without pushing myself too hard (I tried that before, one of my biggest mistakes).
I just want to "fix" our relation, they are awesome people, I just want them to love me like before, why is it so hard for them ? Yes I consider myself as a new individual, but for them I'm still their son they always loved, I dont want them to accept my beliefs or anything, I just want them to accept me, I try to talk to them, I try to be closer, but everytime they somehow have something to do, or they just push our conversations (idk if I'm clear here, I'm not English-native).
So what's your opinion on the situation ?
I strongly suspect this is a troll post.
On the off chance that it is not; It's extremely rare for people raised in an atheist. Household become religious, without some very significant outside influence.
If my children started talking about the sky wizards that they communicate with, and that make them feel good, my first thought is some kind of organic mental illness. I would seek to have that illness treated, but if they were unwilling to seek help to let go of their their delusions, I would love them anyway.
Check my account then, that's not a troll.
Everything is explained in my account, it's way too long to explain everything.
Man you're aware you're talking like these christians who think that being gay is an illness 💀🙏
Good to know, I dont force them to believe, I just want them to accept me as a normal son.
This subreddit gets a lot of ‘just asking a question’-type trolls, when this is not intended to be a debate-an-atheist subreddit. So I apologize for the downvotes.
I assuming you’re asking in good faith, I hope some of the comments here help give some perspective. Feel free to DM me if you ever want a parent’s perspective.
youre just proving to him that atheists are awful people. I dont believe you all are, but you definitely arent making a good image. Your statistic about atheist households is also completely bogus. Most of the adult Christians I know were raised atheists and were staunch atheists their whole life until they found the truth. These are smart, critically thinking people. You dont understand faith in the slightest.
You are an idiot.
Atheists makeup something between 4 and 6% of the population, and you're asserting that most Christians start out atheists, when Christians are roughly half the population?
This is very simple math. Which you fail.
Wishful thinking on your part does not alter reality. And again that's the problem with a religion.
yeesh you did not read my comment
Because this subreddit is for atheist parents trying to raise our children non-religiously, I don’t think you’ll find what you’re looking for here. I wish you the best.
Ik, I'm asking here cuz I wanna see the opinion of other atheists. Thanks for the head up anyway 👍
If my kids become Christian at 18 and are happier, I'd support them and love them and do whatever it took to maintain a healthy relationship, so I think the ball's out of your court if they know this about you.
If I was them I'd also question where I went wrong in teaching you how to critically think, find meaning without superstition, understand logical fallacies and biases, teaching you standards, morals, values, meditation, mindfulness, and self worth, and how to be spiritually in a secular way by finding awe and connection to yourself, others and the natural world.
Thanks man, that's good to know.
Ex-atheist, used to be grounded, even today I am grounded.
Uhm does that mean for you religious people dont have morals and values ? 💀🙏
Meditation was something I used to do as a way to chill down and have focus, but my mind is too filled, like pop-ups in a screen, I stopped doing this cuz that wasnt useful (for me at least).
I know my self worth ? I dont understand here sorry :/
Why are y'all acting like being religious is being all alone is like living under a rock 😭🙏
I'm in peace with myself, maybe I have some unwanted body reflexes (unrelated to my mental state, it is more natural reaction I developped (and I should stop doing this)), but I'm easygoing and open to everyone, and almost everyday I go outside touching grass and taking a walk what's your point here ? 🤨
I grew up in Mormonism for 34 years before I woke up to the harm of religion, but it's not all bad and works for some people. If I was raised atheist with the things I mentioned, I see no reason for religion. What value does it bring you?
mormonism is very different from Christianity. Look up the difference and you will understand.
It is much more than value, this sub wont get it because everyone think God isnt real, and so I thought too.
But basically, He saved me when I was in my absolute worst, like fr, due to some events (too long to explain, once again check my account for more infos) I touched rock bottom, and when I was in that same place that's where He saved me, and during the last year He helped me healing my traumas and stuff. Something that I never thought would be possible, before turning to God I tried Self Improvement and stuff like this (not Alpha Male bs, I talk about genuine Self Improvement), I tried to do it by myself, I first denied what happened to me so I could feel better (spoiler : the result was worse), then I tried to face it and tried to "fix myself" by doing Self Improvement, it didnt work neither. Then God found me and that's when I learned I was not the one to blame, and that I shouldnt push myself to hard, so I learned how to forgive myself, how to deal with it, how to heal. Keep in mind, no one is aware of what happened irl, I tell my stories on Reddit because I take advantage of the fact no one knows me, so I was alone in my fight, just me vs my traumas.
But if you want a concrete answer about what values the Bible gives me, then probably :
Acceptance toward myself, others and those who did me dirty (hard to forgive, it was a slow process, almost a year, but I made it, doesnt mean I accept what happened of course, I just decide to give it to God, Hate was replaced by Sympathy, and trust me, the moment you start having sympathy and pity for those who did you the worst shit is where you achieve peak peace).
Unity (The Christian Faith insists on the fact we are all brothers and sisters and we are all the same, no matter our differences we are still the same (you get it ?))
Forgiveness (already explained)
Taking care of yourself while putting others above you (for example giving to those in needs)
And a lot more
The neat part ? I dont do that for "the ticket to Heaven", every Christians should know our actions arent what gives us Eternal Life, no, I do that cuz everything worked out since the day I met Him, it may sounds like bs for you guys, but that is genuine for me, I lived those changes, in Christian Faith we say that the Holy Spirit does His work in us, I dont just believe in this, I live this.
Glad you are finding what you need in your life through your beliefs 🙏 Religion and a belief in God fucked me up in every way imaginable from mental health, finances, relationships, etc. I am alive and happy despite religion, not because of it. But I know your experience is opposite of mine and I'm glad it's working for you. It seems we just traded places and are both better for it 😄
Thanks man, sorry for what happened to you, hope you're doing better 🫡❤️
I think you should go to therapy. Let your parents think it's for any reason they want. But it's clear from your post history, and very sad and tragic, that you could use some help due to being raped. That is above all of our pay grade. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
In terms of your specific question here, as a parent, I would worry what triggered the change, and worry it was something exactly like what happened to you. I would be concerned for you, in other words.
If my kids choose religion, I won't be upset by that in itself. I will be upset if they use it as an excuse to not think or make their own decisions or become hateful.
Yeah I'll think about it, thanks for the head up, appreciate it.
Fair.
True true, I believe if you start using religion as a way of being hateful then maybe you dont get what you follow in the first place.
I think I would also be worried about you. In my humble and honest opinion, religious people (churches, preachers, etc) are often predatory, in the many definitions of that word. I would worry that you were looking for answers outside of yourself and maybe being influenced by other people. I’d worry you lost some of your critical thinking skills, and maybe therapy would be a good solution to get you back on track. Maybe it would be good to explain to your parents what made you come to the decision and also explain how it is improving your life. Above all, though, you may want to start by telling them that their behavior hurts your feelings.
As an atheist that was raised very Catholic, I feel there is some irony here. I also got a lot of criticism for my choices, so I can relate. The least we can do is explain the impact our parents have on us when they choose to mock or make fun of us.
I know about that, but I pretty good at finding creep-worthy behavior, trust me if I see some weird behavior I wont miss the opportunity to expose it to the police and I'll be the first one to stop talking with them.
I was the only one in my decision, I had no Christian friend at the time, and I was surrounded by atheists (still am).
Uhm how ? 💀
Before asking I'm not a Young Earth Creationist or some stuff like that, maybe in the USA or where you are from it is common for Christians to be too literal on their Bibles, but not where I'm from (I live in France, pretty atheist country since a century). Based on my teachers I have some good critical thinking (currently doing History Studies where you have to think outside the sources and stuff like this, so Critical Thinking is pretty useful (if not necessary).
I would like to, the problem is, I'm not ready for them to discover some stuff, not today at least.
I can go to further than explaining, I can show em. The thing is, they are kinda in their own bubble when it comes to this, they have a pretty linear definition of religion (my theory is that they had religious trauma, not sure but I have some good basis for that claim), for them religion ≠ bad, and they stick with that, they dont want to change their POV, they have their opinion and they stick on it.
I tried man, tried to tell them how ridiculous it is to blame their son JUST because he became a Christian, and how their behavior is putting dirt on our relations and hurts me, but they always end the discussion with "One day you'll see, this is just a phase and you're just lost, when you'll be mature you'll realize all of this hurts you more, we only say that so you can live a good life" like c'mon what's your definition of good life anyway ?
I hope you're doing better rn, sorry if you have a similar experience.
As an ex-christian, I fully endorse you getting therapy from a licensed therapist specializing in CPTSD and SA, and I want to gently call your attention to the fact that Christianity has frequently been used to target vulnerable people - initially gentle and inviting, but eventually getting you deep under sway.
Christian have become notorious for harboring serial abusers.
Your parents are probably wrestling with a lot of concerns, not the least being that you'll be revictimized, and their recommendation is on point even though they're communicating it poorly
That's why I go to church usually for the community side, ik the risk of the Church, even tho my local church isnt like that and my pastor isnt a creep (he also asked everyone to not try anything to physical for not triggering me (for example people usually kiss or put hands on each other, not comfortable with it, so I thank my pastor for the effort and put my own problem above their local tradition)), and if someday I see there's something off (creep-worthy behavior, you get it) I'll be the first one to leave.
So when it comes to that dont worry, I have a spider-sense and I'm not very involved in what they do. My Christian Life is more about the relationship with God (the core of Christianity btw, but some Christian folks seem to not understand this sadly), praying in my room or at church (I prefer at church tbh, I prefer having a physical support (like Jesus) so I can pray while watching the one I talk to), I read my Bible, my Christian Life isnt based on the Church (that is once again corrupted by abusers just like you said), it is personal and private (well no because my Reddit Account is full of this, but you get it, it's not "My pastor, my nun friend, my church crush and me", it's just "God and me".
But I was an ex-atheist, raised in an atheist househood, so dont worry I'm more than aware of what happens in the Church, that's why I try to keep my distance with it (I just show up on Sunday cuz the community side is cool but I'm not invested in what my church does), I'm just a background character for them and that's what I want (not to be a side character in my own Life of course not, but for the church yeah).
Maybe, I know they hate religion but man that's not a reason to think I'm a crazy lunatic 💀🙏
They arent aware of that, no one is aware (except my pastor who had some doubts when he saw that I wasnt comfortable with physical stuff, so I said everything to him, so the next Sunday he asked everyone to not touch me even tho they wanted to do good, without saying anything about my past, glad he decided to keep it as a secret just like I asked).
I don't have any advice for you, but I'm sorry your parents are pushing you away.
I am curious what this means:
Is that an idiom I am not familiar with?
English isn’t their first language, so I think it’s something quite literally lost in translation
I thought that was likely, but seemed like an interesting idiom, so was hoping to learn more.
Me too! Idioms are so weird. Especially ones that you don’t even understand in your own language. (For me it’s “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” … what? I couldn’t even remember it correctly and had to google bc wtf?)
Oh sorry I meant "head" like some kind of cult, sorry for that error I'll fix this 💀🙏
It’s all good! English is such a difficult language.
Some people are good at change and some are not. To me, this feels like a change and adaptation issue above all. I know you became Christian a year ago. How long have you been “out” with your parents?
Any big change, whether religion, sexuality, political ideology, dressing totally different - as a mom, I will have questions. If it is something that feels like rejecting my whole world view, I might feel hurt and more worried.
Give it time. Think of how long it took you to come to the conclusion that you were Christian and double it.
In July, so it's been 3 months.
Nope, or at least not in sexuality, politics, ideologies or clothes, I changed in my habits and my views on the world (I became more positive, and my "faith" for Humanity was restored in a way). But nothing like you described.
I was not implying that you changes all of those things. I was just saying that any change requires a period of adjustment, regardless of whether it is a big ideological change like religion, a superficial change like dressing different.
Your parents are going to need time to feel comfortable.
Christians can run the gamut from Doug Wilson to Fred Rogers. Keep reassuring them that you are more Fred Rogers and not an ounce Doug Wilson, and give them time to adjust.
ETA- 3 months is really no time at all for this kind of adjustment
True true, I'm not the type of Christian who puts politics everywhere (politics is not my thing in general), or the one who's doing hateful stuff (and ts is not Christ-like too), I'm just a guy who happens to be Christian, religion may became a major part of my life, but I wont like slap them with my Bible everytime they are doing things we consider sinful, if someone is intrigued by my Faith I would be glad to talk about it, but if someone never tries to have this conversation that's okay.
If your parents are political, a way of showing them you still share family values would be to get involved politically, especially if they are politically left/progressive. A lot of activism actually started from religious movements. Feed the poor. Help those who have less, invite your parents to come with you to volunteer at a soup kitchen or give out hygiene products to the homeless. Whatever feels natural to you and your family. If your parents have skills that can help others (doctor, lawyer, nurse, etc) ask them if they could donate their time to help people who are low income or in domestic violence situations. Doing things like this as a family could be a good way to remind them that you’re still you and still share their values.
Even just donating clothes, books, clothes, hygiene products, starting a garden and giving away the extras… could be a cool family project.
Idk I dont wanna be associated with politics, I dont find myself in any party (even tho in France we have like 100 parties), maybe one day I'll be interested in one, but not today, I just cant find myself with rich people saying "I feel you I feel you" while knowing they were born in the richest street of Paris (in France it is like the standard).
I do that, not for "checking a list" like some Christians or for approval, I do that cuz I guess the Holy Spirit worked on me.
They arent really into that tbh 😬
Idk how I can tell you that, they are "lukewarm leftists" or something like that idk I just made that up, they follow thoughts, but they dont act on them.
Maybe I'll try to do things like this.
Thanks for the recommandations 🙏
Of course! I haven’t slept well lately so I’m not going to respond in full right now, (lol writes whole response anyway) but in the next day or two when my brain is at full capacity I’ll respond with more articulate thoughts.
A few assorted thoughts for now:
I’m so glad you have a pastor/priest (really just an adult in general) who you feel comfortable talking to who protects you and encourages you to set boundaries and encourages and protects your personal space! He does that too, right?
It’s normal to be averse to sex - I went that way too. Still, make sure you get vaccinated against hpv (called gardisil in the us). At the very least discuss it with your doctor. And please make sure your doctor knows about the assault. If you haven’t been tested, you can ask your priest to come with you in case you experience ptsd symptoms. They don’t have to see your body! He can just give you a ride, talk to you, stand on the other side of the curtain, whatever you feel comfortable with. Most likely it will be bloodwork and peeing in a cup.
I don’t think your parents/mom would blame themselves, and if they do, they can go to therapy for that.
You also can say as much or little as you want. “Something scary happened to me, and I have found comfort in this community. I’d like to go to therapy and in time we can talk about it. You and dad/mom acting like something is wrong with me doesn’t make me want to open up to you though. Please respect my choices”.
My wife and I were Christian for a long time, and took our kid to church until they were about 6.
After a while my wife and I realized we didn’t believe in any of the religious stuff, we just stopped going.
(Our small group read a book called the Reason for God and it was supposed to be logical arguments for why god exists… and we realized we were unimpressed with all of the ‘logic’…)
But even after we stopped going to church, I continued to teach my kid about religion — we went to a synagogue, a Hindu temple, a mosque, etc. just to visit and talk about what other people believe.
Ultimately now they’re 19 and a non believer as I am — but I tried to create an environment to help my kid make up their own mind.
Having said that, I don’t know your situation, but I will say being a parent is really, really hard and it’s not like they tell you how to be a perfect parent. Try to forgive them if possible — it sounds like they’re trying (but failing) to help you .
Best of luck in your spiritual journey — we’re all trying to figure things out. Maybe you’ll stick with Christianity, maybe you’ll land somewhere else in 30 years like I did.
Hey op, I’m not a parent. But I am an atheist, a former christian, and probably old enough to be your parent (38,f). I also have cptsd and have been sa’d (and raped).
I’m so sorry what happened to you. I believe you. You weren’t at fault and you didn’t deserve this. Please don’t suffer alone. Secrets like this are not meant to be kept. The shame will lessen when you share with safe people. I’m so sorry that we live in a world where men are thought of as less masculine when they’re victimized. Women and men are both disbelieved, by both men and women. And anyone of any gender can be a predator.
I think your parents might be more understanding if you opened up a bit about what’s going on. If it’s a sudden big change in your life they might be worried about what prompted the change. They don’t need to know every detail. But if they’re good parents, some information would help them help you.
Are your parents emotionally safe? One way to test the waters would be to bring up an article or a show where men or boys are abused and see how they react. What about other adults in your life?? Relatives?
My view of Christianity is us-centric, so I can only speak to that. I am not sure where you’re from and each belief system differs. My concern is that a lot of Christianity centers purity culture and demonizes sex and very normal sexual desires. This isn’t healthy. It also has a culture of blaming rape and SA victims for what happened to them and pressuring victims/survivors to forgive their abusers. This is never okay. If you choose to forgive, it should be on your own terms and because you want to not because someone says you should or need to.
As far as sexuality is concerned, trauma already makes it complicated, and hearing that it’s bad or wrong but magically ok once you’ve had a ceremony (marriage) is frankly confusing and leads to a lot of shame. As far as your ethics/religion/spirituality, I support anything that makes you feel fulfilled and happy (as long as it doesn’t harm you or others) but I also want to make sure it won’t cause confusion or black and white thinking around sex. You deserve a community and belief system that supports you intellectually, emotionally, physically, sexually, and in every aspect of your life. I don’t know what that is for you. It may be Catholicism but leaving some parts out. It may be Episcopalianism. It could be Buddhism. Being in nature. It may be a lot of things. It may be a men’s group. I have no idea and pretending I do would be really arrogant, tbh. But I’m open to talking and I hope you get the support you need.
Also, there are a decent number of groups on here for trauma and ptsd and some are just for men. If you need links I’m happy to help you find some.
Thanks, I already passed through this phase, kinda hard because you have to accept this thing wasnt in your control, but not too long ago I already made peace with myself.
I know, even tho I def feel better rn I know we shouldnt keep this for ourselves, but the reason is pretty egoistical, this is the type of stuff that will change the vision someone have to you, y'know ? I dont want to be seen as "That SAed guy", or people care about me because they have pity, I dont want that, I just want to be seen as the random guy, if people like me it is for who I am and not for what happened to me, I would like to tell everything to everyone, I really do, if I have the guarantee everyone will still look at me as who I am and not "Hey isnt your son the one who was SAed ?", I would tell that, even more now that I am found inner peace, but I know the second I'll tell that to anyone they'll only see "that guy" on my forehead, and I dont want that, I dont want to be associated with ts anymore, yes it was me, but that was the past I wanna move on, and I already moved on, mentally speaking, my body still have reactions, I try to do things step by step, but I know I'm not the same guy anymore. It is not "shame", I already accepted what happened after 2 years of me trying to fight my traumas by denying, hating, being ashamed of myself, you get it, no it isnt shame, it is just I dont want to be associated with something like that anymore and I'm sure no one want to be associated with ts.
Man I would like to, my mom is pretty invested in SA and rape stories (she loves watching Law And Orders), but once again it isnt shame anymore that is blocking me, it is just an egoistical wish I have, I know if I explain everything to them they'll probably understand, but I dont want them to discover what happened, at least not today, I'm not ready and I dont want them to be depressed (imagine you discover your son was assaulted by a girl (no hate of course, but it isnt common just like you said) ? I would be in a bad mood too cuz I would feel like I am a bad parent by not seeing the signs. I dont want them to feel bad, they already have so much on their mind rn, financially mostly, rn is not the perfect time).
I was pretty good (sadly I guess) at hiding what happened, it happened during the entire school year, the only thing I could say changed with me was the fact I hated being touched (still do, but I try to learn how to be more open, by not pushing myself of course), and I got a period where I used to shower 3 or 4 times a day (against two normally), but I did that while they werent at home so for them that was still my average Morning/Afternoon showers. While a lot of people showed everything, I was very careful to not raise any suspicion (and this time that was because I was shameful yeah). For Christianity it was a sudden change but I gave them a few "clues" before revealing my Faith (like taking care of the homeless (I became friend with one, he's chill I like him he have good vibes), disappearing on Sunday morning etc... nothing too explicit, just enough to make them question, and it worked, they first thought that was great I improved myself so much in a short period of time, but that was until I told them that was because I became a Christian).
They are good parents, really good parents and human beings.
I think so ? I'm sure they are.
Oh I already know what they think of my situation, my mom by watching Law And Orders is pretty aware of this stuff and she keeps saying "The worst crime you can do is rape, and on a child". She would break down if she ever knows it, imagine she discovers her son is a Christian (she prob had religious trauma) AND was a victim, in the same period of time ? That's bad timing.
I'm from France, our country is not religious at all, even more compared to USA. In France, churches arent these big influencal things, they are separated from the laws and powers, imo it is a good thing because it keeps religions rooted to modesty, a core part of Christianity, and by looking at what happens in your country rn, I'm glad we're not doing ts 🙏
True true, we consider sex outside mariage sinful, tbh I dont find this an issue for myself because I lost appeal to sex and have a pretty bad view about it (some victims become addicted, some just become disgusted by it (like me)), but I also know Christianity is against SA and rape, in the Bible (mostly in the Old Testament) there are a lot of stories about SA and rape being well, a bad thing (as it should), for example in Genesis with Dinah being raped by Shechem, and the texts are clear, it was an awful act.
True, even tho it isnt my case there are a lot of churches doing that (I assume), and while it isnt even biblical to do that they even defend the abusers. Thankfully the pastor of my church (who's the first one aware of this) listened carefully and understood, he never judged me or blamed me, he even asked everyone in our church to not touch me (in our church people kiss and hug each other, he saw I wasnt comfortable with this), and he kept my story as a secret and I highly respect that.
You're right. I became a Christian a year ago and I only forgave her a few months ago, that doesnt mean I support what happened, not at all, if I forgave her it is because I finally found peace with myself and I moved on, it's been 3 years since the last time she did me, dirty (and started 4 years ago), and the last few months were def the best of my life, I felt like I was finally free, I took my time to forgive and move on, she now faces legal justice because someone else sued her (I hope she'll stay in jail), and that's the only thing I want, her facing this justice so she wont hurt anybody anymore (at least if she's found guilty), and me forgiving her, meaning she wont live in my head anymore.
Thanks, appreciate it.
Of course.
I'll be honest I lost appeal for this, maybe I'll try again but that'll def be with a girl I 100% trust, and a girl that treats me like her equal.
Thanks for comment, it feels good to be understood 🙏❤️
As an atheist who has a son who has told me that he is a Christian, I want you to know that it is not your job to fix things between you and your parents. If you are living with them, maybe it is time to start looking for your own place if they can't accept you for who you are. If they ask why, tell them it's because you don't know how to fix things between you and them due to your finding religion, and if you can't live as your authentic self around them, that you feel like it is perhaps time to move on and find your people.
If you don't live with them already, I would tell them gently that you are going to go low contact with them. When they ask why, tell them exactly why. That you can't be yourself around them, and they can't respect you as a religious person. That you are not trying to convert them, and if they can't treat you like they used to, then you need to go and find people that uplift you and make your life positive.
My son is 8. He has been telling me that he believes in God and is religious since he was 5. I have no problem with this. The same thing that provides me the liberty to be a non-believer, also protects him. I don't want one of the things he needs protection from ever to be me. I try not to scoff when he brings up religious stuff (although my religious trauma makes that difficult.) and when he asks specific questions about why I am an atheist, I answer him gently and truthfully. I always want an open dialogue with him. This is their job to fix. Not yours. Let them know that they are losing you, and ask if it is what they want.