I matched with this woman on Bumble, she texted me first as that's how that app works. We exchanged pleasantries and then started a series of on and off texts for a few days with long gaps in between, mainly her and later on myself included because I don't want to keep putting in effort without any substantial response. During that time we did discuss both of us wanted to watch Avatar. She had a plan with another friend so I didn't ask her to watch it with me. During this time I lost interest in her because I am really big on connection
One day suddenly out of the blue she asked me if I wanted to watch the movie with her tomorrow if I had no other plans. I agreed to it because I wanted to watch the movie too. I live in a country where English isn't the first language so she offered to book the movie tickets for me. I thanked her and told her I would buy snacks as a thank you from my side. To which she responds "Doesn't that sound romantic". I proceeded to tell her there was no sign that this was a date. It just meant two people meeting to watch a movie and honestly I did not want to assume things that aren't there. The conversation there took a turn. She goes into questions like " before we meet, I want to know what are you looking for on this app?"
Now for some reason I had fun, casual dates set on my profile instead of what I really want a long term relationship. I explained it to her and thanked her for pointing it out and changed my profile. She told me I seem like a nice guy and she would like to meet me tomorrow for the movies. Since it was a movie date I offered to pick her from her home (I live an hour away) and buy dinner (she paid for the tickets).
Next day I met her and from the very first second she could not stop talking, non stop and about everything. It was like I knew this person all my life. It was a bit of shock to me because this is the same person who did not talk much on texts. During the movies she constantly came close to me to ask if I was ok or if she wanted to ask something she could not understand and I did too. After the movie we had dinner and talked about so many meaningful things, jobs, careers and most importantly if raising a family is something both of us want in the future. To my surprise we agreed on so many things. Later on I dropped her home and drove to my house. Dropped her a text saying "Thank you! I had a really good time with you today and would love to see you again" around 11ish. No response, Next Monday morning she replies me with a "Good morning, I had a lovely time with you too and would like to see you again as well"
So far it was good, but then started a repetition of what I mentioned before, long gaps between texts, half hearted convos, unanswered question. After three days I decided to discuss it with her that I find her attractive but it feels like she isn't interested and I don't want to continue if that's the case. Connecting with my partner is very important to me and I don't see any here. She assured me that wasn't the case and she was not a big text person so we called a few times after that, During this period she had a rough day at work and called me right after she got off work to tell me about it. It felt nice.
Next weekend we planned to meet again. I picked her up in the afternoon and the date lasted until midnight. This time she was very close to me on several occasions. Touched my arm, chest and my ears. I did too by touching her and keeping it appropriate since I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. The important thing here is when I dropped her home, we are in front of her house and I can sense she is delaying getting out, My mind starts spiraling, could she be waiting for a kiss? a goodbye hug? or something she wanted to talk about?. Before I think too long she goes like "Can I give you a hug?". I would love that I replied. The hug was not too long and not too short either. I told her I had a good time with her and I will see her again. After I came back home I texted her "If we keep continue to meet I will eventually start having feelings for her".
Context: For people who might say that wait should have been my clue to go in for a kiss, Both of us talked about how we like to take the physical aspect slowly, Neither of us have dated a lot and are a bit conservative. I don't want to rush things and make it uncomfortable between us.
She replied me the next day (since it was already late that night, probably slept after getting home) that she felt the same way and had a really nice t.
(The thing about me is I find her very attractive, when we talk in person she seems very kind and warm hearted. We share quite a few mutual good experiences and some mental problems in the past. She is the type of person I usually go for physically and emotionally as well). That was Sunday and then I expected we would talk more or maybe her texting or communication style would change a little but fast fwd Monday and Tuesday it has been same.
What's making me confused is trying to understand her completely, she told me there was a mutual interest and in person meetings are so good. Talks with her just kind of flow, first few dates can be awkward but it wasn't with her. I obviously am attracted to her and its not just the appearance but at the same time when we aren't meeting in person its almost as if she forgets about me. There are times when she would finish work, go home, shower, eat and then get back to me before going to bed.
Now a lot of people would say I need to discuss this with her but it's not something that I haven't already discussed with her or one she hasn't explained (not a big texter or good at non face to face communication). Should I bring this up with her again or just tell her this isn't going to work for me? I need an outside perspective.
It sounds like texting is very important to you in a relationship, and I think you need to be way more up front about that. It sounds like the only time you said anything about it was when you said you thought she wasn’t interested and she assured you that she was but she just isn’t a big texter.
If you’re going to date, a few different things need to happen. First, you should decide if this is the make or break for you. If she’s lovely and you enjoy her company and she’s great on the phone and in person but doesn’t text as much as you like, is that a dealbreaker? If it is, then you need to say so. However, I’d suggest that (unless it’s truly a huge part of a relationship for you that you know you can’t live without), try some compromise. Explain why it’s important and what you prefer it to look like (are you wanting regularity, like good mornings and talking about your days, or are you wanting to be asking each other questions and getting to know each other more?). Setting clear and reasonable expectations is good for both of you. But also, compromising a bit and realizing that for her, she can feel connected without texting all the time. So maybe doing more phone calls rather than texting.
Ultimately, it depends on what you really need. You did say that you’re relatively new to dating, so I’d recommend taking some time to think about why you need constant texting. Is it anxiety? Is it because you want to feel connected throughout the day? Is it the dopamine of hearing from her? Everyone has different expectations on regularity of communication. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong, just maybe incompatible.
thankyou for such detail. I don't think I prefer to be constantly bombarded by texts. Just enough to feel connected to her. Since she explained and as I wrote before, the two times we met its been so great. Rather than being assured I am feeling otherwise. If I were to talk about it once more would it come off as some sort of insecurity on my part?
This is a pretty ambiguous feeling and is different for everyone. I think you should spend more time thinking about this thought. Sounds to me like you may feel anxiety about the texts and the time elapsed between texts is different each time
Yeah, if someone couldn’t at least text back, I’d let them know I at least need some effort on their end.
Just save yourself the trouble and move on. She’s only good in person. Sounds like object permanence to me. She can only give attention to you if she can physically see you. The great thing about this world is the ability to phone anyone anywhere. She’s not willing to change or make the effort.
Listen, I’m like you. I like a lot of text communication. But some people just are not like that. It’s the in person time that counts. In my last serious relationship, we didn’t text during working hours ever. It broke our work flow. When we were together, we were fully focused on each other and not texting other people on our phones (within reason). I think you’re putting a disproportionate emphasis on the meaning behind someone not texting much. If she told you she liked you and she’s still getting to know you, that’s a win to this early on.
She might have adhd and it’s just out of sight out of mind for her. When she’s with you, she’s present and interested, but if you’re not in front of her she may be distracted by other things. Search up object permanence. It’s not just an adhd thing but common overlap.