I'm asking from a pure curiosity standpoint. How did you all find what identity fit you best? I'm always oscillating between whether I want to be a woman or if I'm gender fluid or non binary. And I started wondering how others have addressed this. Surely I'm not the only one who doesn't quite understand everything yet.
I can only speak to my journey- but a lot of it for me fell into two categories: A: it’s ok to have a little fun / play around/ be constantly exploring B: answering the question “who am I “ doesn’t also require being able to prove it to everyone around me.
When I first realized I was gender-weird I spent a lot of time throwing spaghetti at the wall. But I was also closeted so it was only really in my head or with close close friends.
When I came out- it was as a Trans Man, and I convinced myself that I could be a man, and wanted to be a man, and wanted everyone to see me as a man. Which… ultimately felt like wearing a comfortable shirt with a Large Itchy Tag. There were places where “be a boy” was fun and exciting and fit very nicely into my self view, and there were places where “be a boy” felt like a task I was trying and failing to accomplish. I spent a lot of time trying to contort to fit into the “be a boy” box before I realized why it was hurting me.
And when I let myself acknowledge it wasn’t quite working, I threw the away labels entirely and referred to my gender as “the looming shadow monster in the corner”. Because it felt easier to Not Think About it. So I called myself nonbinary, but I meant “gender is confusing and scary and I don’t want to think about it so stop asking”.
Over time (7 years?), the fear has faded. I started acknowledging that I do Have a gender, and then I made peace with that knowledge. And now I find it fun to experiment and find the edges and features of my gender. It’s more like a long form art experiment than anything concrete, and I don’t need it to be anything concrete, it just needs to be… authentically me!
I call my gender nonbinary - because that’s easier to explain to people. And it’s accurate as an umbrella term. But really my gender is it’s own little grab bag of things I find pleasing and interesting.
My usual advice for people exploring their gender identity is “take the pressure off” don’t worry about fitting it into a nice little box. Figure out what you like and don’t Like. What you feel and what you believe. And then when you’ve got enough of an arrangement that you feel satisfied with it you can see if that has a definition or not.
I appreciate such a long and detailed response. Thank you!
Spend time in quiet reflection, exploring new things, and taking notes on what you experience. Ignore labels for now. Direct experience is the essence of life, the labels come afterwards to try and talk about the experiences.
I have a therapist I talk to about these things. We are making progress slowly.
Having a therapist helps a lot. Keeping a journal helped me too, since I could look back and notice patterns in what I was doing and feeling. It takes a while to get clarity like this, but keep it up, its worth it!
A journal is probably a good idea.