Hello,

I'm sorry in advance as I feel like this isn't the first time something like this has been posted

TLDR: Dealing with immense bouts of anxiety and overthinking as HRT appointment approaches, and I could use some support.

I'm a trans woman currently waiting for HRT (currently closeted), and I have recently been constantly debating and questioning in my head whether or not I am actually trans or trans enough, whether or not HRT is right for me, whether or not I should transition or not, etc. It's at a point where whenever my mind is unoccupied, it automatically starts debating again and hyperanalyzing every feeling, doubt, and thought I have, and it is just so anxiety inducing and exhausting, and it feels like I have a constant weight and tightness in my chest.

I just want it to stop. I just want to feel at ease and at peace. I just want to transition and I have wanted to ever since I was first starting puberty more than a decade ago. Why do I have this much anxiety over it now that I'm actually getting closer to my goad? How do I get over this?

I guess if I were to answer my own question, some of my sources of anxiety are:

• I can never be 100% sure. I try to accept that fact and fight the anxiety with the overwhelming evidence that I want this, but the lack of absolute certainty still just fills me with dread. I don't want to make this major life change, possibly ruin relationships and affect my career, and then realize I was wrong.
• I've lived a very low-resistance life where I've just gone along with whatever others have wanted of me, and this is one of the very rare times I'm doing something for myself without knowing if the people in my life approve of it. Like, seriously, I can probably count on one hand the number of moderate-major risks I've taken in my life.
• I don't really have severe dysphoria. What if HRT isn't actually right for me and I end up getting severe dysphoria because of it?
• It would probably help to take things slow and socially transition first or start on a low dose so I can feel things out and ease my anxiety, but I am getting my professional license in a little more than a year and I desperately do not want to present and be known as a man by the time I do. Because of that, I feel a sense of urgency to transition as fast as possible.
• What if I'm not trans? I don't want to be a man. I get that if ever I do come to that realization, either from not liking HRT or something else, it wouldn't be a bad thing, and I'd be better off finding out through experience, but I really do not want to be a man. I can get by and cope, probably, but I don't want that. I want to live the rest of my life as a woman.
• What if I can't trust myself? I don't really have an explanation for this one. Just, what if I shouldn't trust that I know what I want and that I'm mature enough to make this decision for myself?

I'm so frustrated and honestly deeply ashamed that I still have these worries after all the certainty and confidence I've felt over the years. I'd appreciate any support or comfort from the community. Thank you all in advance, and also just thank you in advance for letting me get these feelings out. I love you all and wish you all a great day.

Also, I don't have a therapist, counselor, or anyone to talk about this with, which is probably contributing to me being so in my head about this.