My boyfriend, 24, admitted to a porn addiction after arguments and a mental breakdown on my end. He uses YouTube to fantasize and masturbates excessively, even after we have had sex. I'm glad he's honest now, but it's hard to believe he still finds me attractive. We both have work to do to rebuild my confidence. Any advice on how to feel better and help him?

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    parent

  • Please go look at and join r/loveafterporn

    Its an amazing resource for your exact situation.

    parent

  • I don't know how much you know about the affects of porn use on the mind, but I'd search up and research it. For you to better understand what he's healing from, it would be best for you to understand how porn hurts an addict because the affects on the mind aren't different in each user. We suffer the same thing. I'm recovering myself and so I know a lot about it.

    Porn use lowers empathy, raises casual objectification of others, it alters the way we see women. It affects and lowers our reasoning in the brain which makes us more impulsive. And it eats away at grey matter in the brain. It can all heal, but only from abstinence. Also, you need to see porn for the destructive thing it is. If you, in any way, see it as neutral, it will hold him back.

    And you need to expect that this won't be an easy journey. Don't shame or guilt him, but don't let it become something that's allowed for him to do either. For him to overcome this, he needs to always be honest with you and learn from every relapse. He needs to tell you when he falls. Secrecy is where this addiction thrives.

    And my advice for some stuff I've learned is -

    1. Limiting phone use for him. Don't have it in bed. Don't have games on it. Don't have it on the sofa or comfortable places. Don't have YouTube or Instagram or Facebook even installed. (He may slip and reinstall it early on and then uninstall it, but building the habit of not relying on the phone is a big step)
    2. He needs to have hobbies and goals. They can be small, but fast dopamine needs to not eat up his time. Something healthy does. Support him there.
    3. Find the triggers. Is it fast dopamine? Can it be alcohol? Is it certain locations? Whatever it is, cut those out. And then after that, figure out the root cause. We are addicted for a reason. What is he escaping. Porn addiction stays to cope with something else. He needs to ask himself these hard questions.

    I hope this helps! Good luck, and remember, you aren't to blame. Porn isn't replacing you in his mind. He's not doing it because you're undesireable to him. It's just something he hasn't escaped and now it's hurting you. I'm very sorry for that. You don't deserve it.

    parent

    Another good tool I've used that's finally started working after getting exposed at 6 years old and now having been addicted for 21 years, is to try building other smaller habits, and conquering smaller addictions first. For me I laid off drinking, then smoking, now porn, started doing daily walks, then added yoga, gym, and music which gave a good foundation. I also did a 3 day water fast which really helped me ring in my self control and gave me a great boost to quit cold turkey. My gf is extremely supportive and understanding, and it's her support that has really helped me finally take that step. Patience will be a virtue during this transition, and if it goes well, will build an extremely strong bond.

    parent root

    Toilet trigger

    parent root

    What do you mean? If you're talking about bringing the phone to the bathroom, then yes, for some that can be a trigger. And it's good practice for anyone not to bring their phone to the bathroom anyway, for cleanliness alone if nothing else.

    parent root

  • Break up. This will eat you up for years if you stay. Of course you can try, but after a porn addict ex and then a partner who consumed it until I asked him to stop, I am a wreck. The earlier you break it off the easier it will be.

    High chance that your partner will continue to watch it

    parent

    It's easy for us on the outside to say breakup, and it might be the best option, but unless she feels it's the best option, we should refrain from giving life changing advice on a situation we only know a little about. I'm very sorry for what you dealt with in the past. Sadly, many addicts aren't willing to quit because they defend the poison that hurts them. You didn't deserve that. But we don't know her whole story or her significant other beyond this post.

    parent root

  • Why do you want to stay with this person?

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