I (23M, gay) am single and thinking a lot about the kind of relationship I actually want. Honestly, it’s very specific, and I’m not sure if that makes me unreasonable.
I’m looking for a man who’s confident, masculine, emotionally steady, and financially stable — someone who genuinely enjoys leading and providing in a relationship. In return, I’m happiest creating a calm, supportive home life, being loyal, affectionate, and caring for my partner. It’s not about laziness or taking advantage; it’s just the dynamic that feels right for me.
The problem is whenever I talk about this with friends or people I know, I get told I’m “lazy,” “gold-digging,” or “living in a fantasy.” They say relationships should be 50/50, and that wanting this kind of setup is outdated or unfair. But I’m not asking anyone to date me unwillingly — I just want to be honest about what I want.
So my question is: AITA for wanting a traditional provider-style relationship and being upfront about it, even if people don’t agree?
TL;DR: I’m a 23-year-old gay man who wants a traditional provider-style relationship, where my partner provides and I support and care for him. AITA for being honest about it instead of pretending I want a 50/50 dynamic?
There is a reason my women have put up resistance against this scenario, as you have no financial rights as the homemaker and must rely on the benevolence of the wage earner for your security. You'll have none of your own income, no savings or social security credits, potentially no Healthcare, no independent communication or transportation, no job skills or work history, or means to purchase clothing or shoes or anything that he doesnt sanction. That might sound ok at 23, but it's not great at 33 if he dumps you for any reason, or if he treats you badly, or you just change your mind or what have you. Then you end up swinging from branch to branch of whoever is willing to support you.
That happened to my sister, shes now 53 with severe arthritis and mental health isses, no longer cute, and trying to piece together some disability payments to not become homeless again.
This world can be cruel if you dont secure your own bag.
This. There’s nothing wrong with wanting for and attaining the kind of trad-wife life OP wants, but it comes with major disadvantages that should be acknowledged.
And for gay men, it’s naive to assume your partner won’t get bored of you (or you, him). There’s probably the perfect man out there that fits these limited parameters, but the likelihood of finding him before you fall in love with someone less perfect is low.
Yep. Here in Australia, women over 50 are one of the fastest growing groups among homeless people - because they lived the traditional homemaker lifestyle that /u/lio_planet is aspiring to, but then got dumped in middle age. So now they have minimal working history, reduced ability to get work, and very slim financial resources of their own (because of course their husband made sure to get the lion's share of his money and assets).
That's something /u/lio_planet needs to be aware of: this is the risk he's taking. He could end up middle-aged, alone, relying on his own resources, and at risk of slipping through society's cracks towards homelessness.
Consider this. What happens if your breadwinner partner:
Dies?
Cheats on you?
Dumps you for being no longer attractive?
Refuses to pick up the slack or help when you're ill?
Coerces you into sex because of the financial advantage they have over you?
Being a trophy partner is a risk. There are too many people who go without financial protection/independence, only to end up homeless years later because they have nothing to their name and zero career prospects.
Verdict: You'd be an asshole to yourself, and to those who care about you.
You're not an asshole, but you might be overly optimistic. It's okay to have that goal, and be open about what you are looking for. However, a lot of people are not going to be able to meet your expectations, and that's going to severely cut into your dating pool.
You’re not an asshole, but this dynamic isn’t something you should aspire to
Not an asshole, but I think it's pretty unrealistic in this day just because of the financial issues with having a single income.
A TBD. Fellow gay man here. Dear young man, I understand the world is scary. Lots of us want to avoid the shit that has become our world. We all long to feel safe. But here’s the real truth from a fellow gay, and who has been married to another man going on 18 years - both husbands need care, support, affection, authentic presence from the other.
I don’t think you’re lazy, I think you have not yet had opportunity to underhand what a healthy adult relationship can really be.
I close with wisdom imparted to me a long time ago, “If one or two people call you an asshole, ignore it. If 5-6 or more people say it, you might want to check yourself.” Your friends and people you know might be onto something.
This is not a way an adult should live. I saw it in my parents and dependency is not cute, not smart, and leaves you incredibly vulnerable to the insecurities of someone who would actually find this appealing. Whatever skillset you think you have to avoid a bad outcome by “pleasing your man”, it isn’t there, because that was never what keeps a relationship like that together.
It’s totally reasonable to ask for what you want. Make sure you have backup plans in case if you don’t find the relationship you want or if that relationship doesn’t turn out the way you want.
I'm in the same boat as you but as a lesbian. My dream is to be a homemaker and be a SAHM but realistically that's not likely to happen, still we can hope^
I am currently in a relationship like this but it DID NOT start out this way. Just for reference, I stay home and take care of the house and my partner is the provider. We've been together for 14 years. For the first 6 years of our relationship, we had our own jobs, our own bank accounts and this dynamic wasn't even our goal. It wasn't over night and it took time. We had to learn how to communicate clearly, control our emotions, and trust each other. Once we started this way of living, there was a lot of adjustment about what was expected of me AND them. All the cons that everyone is mentioning are correct, but it is not impossible. You need to have 100% trust, transparency, and communication between the two of you and that is not something that comes easy or without work
Those dynamics 100% exist in the gay world, it's called having a sugar daddy, but it's almost always all about looks on your part and accepting them for however (old, out of shape, lazy) they are.