Honest to god I wish I was any other sexuality. I was fine with it until about a couple of years ago. I'd love to have a crush, or to find someone physically attractive. I just don't, and no amount of "just accept yourselfs" will remedy that.
It's like everyone gets this set of emotions and experiences but me. If there was a way to change your sexuality, I 100% would change mine. Whenever I ask people about what attraction actually feels like they respond to me.. like I'm an alien or naive or something. It's so isolating.
More than that, it's like an easy way to get close to someone and to also care about them. Sure, you can have friends and all that, but it's not the same. I've never really clicked with anyone well even platonically. Plus, idk, in society's eyes you're a bit of a failure if you don't date. That's not my main worry though, like fuck society but it's more the fact that there's these widely experienced emotions I'll never get. I'll never care about someone like that. I'm envious, to put it ugly.
Like, even in the LGBTQ+ community, at least on the sexuality side of us, most people can join together in their shared differences in how they experience attraction. I don't really feel like I can relate to that when I feel nothing at all.
I don't hear many aroace people talk about this sort of thing.
That sounds incredibly lonely and frustrating, especially feeling like there’s a whole set of human experiences everyone else seems to get and you don’t. I can understand why that would hurt and why “just accept yourself” feels empty when what you’re grieving is something you genuinely wish you could feel.
You’re not broken, and you’re not missing empathy or depth. You’re describing loss, envy, and isolation, which are very human reactions. It also makes sense that even within LGBTQ spaces you’d feel out of place when attraction is still the main thing people bond over.
I don’t have a fix for this, but I want you to know I hear how real this is for you. You’re allowed to mourn the experiences you don’t get, even if others are content with being aroace. And you’re not wrong or defective for wanting closeness or connection in a way that just doesn’t come easily.
Thanks
As a demisexual, I'm perfectly content whether I'm alone or in a relationship.
Personally, I've seen too many people commit to relationships that make them (1) miserable, (2) suicidal, (3) experience financial/physical/sexual abuse, and/or (4) their eventual death at the hands of an abusive partner. Unwanted pregnancies in today's political climate are also a detractor.
Being single is a privilege. Anyone I allow into my life should enrich it rather than taking away.
It sounds like you still need to deprogram yourself from societal expectations. No one on reddit will offer you the assistance you need. Therapy is the gold standard.
That’s definitely valid. It is hard when love and attraction is so abundant in the world. I’m sorry it’s been hard for you to accept your sexuality.
Traditionally, this is how a human’s brain is hard-wired. For attraction, reward, pleasure. If you’re feeling different, you really just adapt to feeling differently.
I find it interesting you say you have never really clicked with anyone platonically even. I’m not suggesting nor qualified to make this kind of assessment, but out of curiosity: have you considered talking to someone about the possibility of you being on the autism spectrum?
It happened to a friend of mine. She wasn’t interested in dating anyone romantically for many many years. She ended up dating her childhood best friend. But she was later diagnosed with autism and everything kind of clicked for her with her friend, work, home, and romantic life. Just a thought. Again, not trying to diagnose you, but it may be worth a thought.
Also not sure how old you are, but our bodies and brain synapses develop slower than people think and the human body goes through hormone shifts several times in life. You may not have hit a significant hormone shift, it’s possible.
If none of these are true, it’s understandable to feel that way.
You could try hanging out or doing hobbies with groups of people where you’re more likely to find common interests. Just going out and meeting more people in general would help, statistically at least, you maybe find friends. Or moving to a bigger city or one with higher populations of LGBTQ+ people to meet more aro folks. Your world is as small as you make it, really. Travel, do hobbies, move, meet people, have deep conversations and ask people about themselves and let the show you how beautiful they can be as a whole person.
Best of luck with your journey to self-acceptance!
I mean... I'm 18. I feel like if I'd get horny for an actual person it would've happened at least once by now. I honestly consider and have considered trying to force my sexuality by making myself date someone, never actually done it but like.. I think about it. As far as I know I'm not neurodivergent, but the school definitely thought I was when I was 12. I've done online tests but I don't know how accurate they are.
I'm thinking of going to uni next year, probably in a big city or something but at the moment I live in a small, rural area. Like, my town has 2000 people and it's the biggest one in a 30 minute area. Although yesterday I was working and I spent like 40 minutes talking to this customer because I mentioned what I was thinking of doing for uni even if I wasn't very passionate about it, and I honestly felt like... good after that conversation. Like, I don't really get conversations like that, and it cheered me up for the whole evening. I was more talkative too it was so weird but so nice
That’s good to hear! I would say keep your mind open while at uni. Focus on just meeting friends and having those longer types of conversations. Your courses will help open your mind a lot, as well, and see the world in a much more expansive view. Meeting all different types of people from all over. Adventuring into the city with college friends and meeting people there. Most people change their major/focus at university anyway, you’ll find a passion as you dive into class.
As for hormones, for AMAB it peaks in their early 20s, for AFAB, hormones and sex drive peak in their 30s and continue through into their 50s. It happens again in their 60s, usually. So your brain and body will get a bigger push. Most times younger AFAB people are more interested in exploring their own body in their 20s usually because AMAB people are pretty flippant about sex and there’s not as much time taken for exploration. Just kind of have raging hormones and are looking to satisfy that. A lot of AFAB people don’t even have orgasms until their 30s because of this. Not to say that it can’t happen, but statistics show this.
I feel it’ll get better for you. For now, you’re pretty much right on schedule with questioning for identity and struggling to find your place. That’s all very natural and to be expected with everyone.
I mean like I have a normal libido just no attraction. It's really weird
Yep, that makes sense. As much as society and movies and TV show you different. I’ve also always been choosy about friends and partners and consider myself demi. It takes more for me to dig deeper with someone for an attraction to form, usually. I have a hard time finding celebrities attractive unless I’ve watched them in interviews and hear their thoughts and see their mannerisms more, as themselves, not a character or stage persona.
I would say university may help you connect with more people. More like-minded people, too. Better odds of finding a connection platonically and perhaps romantically, but even after uni, you may not find it for a bit. Who knows? There’s no blueprint for every person. We’re all unique, that’s for certain.
Find what drives you about not accepting your sexuality. Is it the judgement from others? Is it judgement or impatience from yourself? If it’s others, definitely seek out like-minded people to build that community up for yourself. If it’s yourself, remember there are many things that make you yourself, your sexual orientation and identity are just one of those things.