Ive been convinced I’ve been making it all up for years, despite the flashbacks and refeeling it, and the mental and physical health damage. I was sure it was all in my head and I was just some insane deranged liar who made it up to get away from a neglectful and verbally abusive father.

But this flashback finally made it click. It’s not fake. I didn’t make it up for attention or something. I’m hoping writing it down will help me move on from this one, as it’s been stuck in my head since.

I was crawling on the floor to get a snack because I didn’t feel like using my crutches (Im disabled). It was really dark because I didn’t want to turn a light on and bother my mom, or accidentally flash my neighbors since I don’t wear a shirt at night (nonbinary/ transmasc and autistic so shirts at night are a bit dysphoric and sensory issue).

It was so dark I couldn’t see and then suddenly I was back in my bed at my dad’s house. I woke up in bed, laying on my belly. My dad was already inside me and it was hurting really bad. I assume the pain is what woke me. But when I woke up, I couldn’t see anything. It was solid black. And my neck hurt. It took me a bit to figure out what all the painful sensations were since I was a little groggy and couldn’t see anything and just had sounds and feelings to figure it out. I couldn’t have been older than 9. I realized he was raping me again, and had his hands over my eyes with his fingers interlocked, yanking my head back. That’s why I couldn’t see. And because he was pulling on my head, that’s why my neck hurt. Then, it jumped to him raping me while I’m on my hands and knees, a very similar position to the one I had bee crawling in, but still with my eyes covered and him yank on my head hurting my neck. My fingers started clenching the carpet just like I was in the flashback in an attempt to stay quiet and just deal with the pain until it was over.

Irl I froze and just started crying. Luckily I had turned the light on just before I went into the flashback.

I’ve been convinced for years that I’m making it up. But this flashback ‘proved’ I wasn’t. I started crying really hard because of that, while still feeling everything, and automatically started doing some coping mechanisms to prevent an asthma attack from crying too hard. This gave me enough control to do some boxed breathing which got me out of it enough.

It’s both good and bad I feel less like a liar. It’s just all so horrible. How could he do that to his own daughter. How was he so evil and sadistic. I know there was some abuse in his past, but I don’t know the details other than he was duct taped to the toilet for potty training and told to hit bullies in the head with rocks.

What happened to him that fucked his brain up that much that he could do all this violent shit to his own daughter? There were so many times I thought he was going to kill me. So many times I lost consciousness. So many injuries.

I don’t know how to deal with this now that I finally believe myself. I’m glad I finally started trauma therapy but holy shit. It’s just a lot and I hope that by typing this all out, it’ll help.