So it’s almost been a year of me cutting off my family. I’m away from my brothers, and my parents that enabled it. The parting was messy. A lot of victim blaming and underestimating how hard it was for me to come to the conclusion that being near them hurt me more than anything.

I’d love to get back into therapy but as of now it’s not in the cards for me. I’d want to read more. I just don’t know why it happened to me. I do know, from what my brother confessed. And I know what horrible things my mom has said to me whenever I tried to get her to care about me.

I just don’t know why it happened. Why did they say they loved me if it caused me to throw up and other horrible physical symptoms. I don’t know why now that I’m gone, they say they “miss me”. I just don’t understand them.

My brother and I have a five year gap. It stopped when I was 9 or 10. He apologized later but also said disgusting things like, at least he didn’t go further, or just gross things about the me too movement.

When we had to go to college and figure out what we wanted to do in life, our mom kept on ragging on him to do something. It made him frustrated. He said he just wanted a place where he could keep all the things he liked, like his anime body pillows and figurines, video games, that kinda stuff. He asked me if I wanted to move into an apartment with him. “We could live the lives we want.” He said.

I said no because I obviously didn’t want to be near him.

A few summers ago, he confessed he really enjoyed the romance in My Little Sister Can’t Be This Cute. He continued watching that kind of content after he stopped contact and even while we lived together. It made my skin crawl and made every interaction we had… different. Even the normal ones.

He said that it was okay because it was fictional and that they weren’t blood related. But. We are blood related and he did that and we have step siblings.

I tried to get help but my mom just told me she was done with me so I ran away.

Long story short; she took my savings, I was told by my step siblings to apologize to my mom so that they could get help with getting their car fixed, family dog got sick and died from neglect while I was away from college and I had to be the adult. After I moved out with my fiancé that helped me throughout the thing, I’m left feeling… very confused and hurt some days even though the worst is behind me and they can’t hurt me anymore.

Sometimes the words they said still linger and I’m left with horrible implications. The apartment. All the things he liked. I don’t get it.

I just don’t understand why they did it. Only that they must’ve hated me. That’s the only reason why. But I just don’t know what I did.

I told everyone why I left. I just don’t see why it’s such a big fucking deal to them that I just don’t want it to hurt anymore. I don’t want to love them anymore.