I know you didn’t ask, and you probably don’t care, but I just want to talk about it. This probably isn’t even the right place to put this, and I don’t know how to put what i’m feeling and want to say into words. Please don’t tell me to go to see a doctor, I won’t, because something stops me every time I try to go to someone to talk. I feel sad, because I want to die, even though I live a literally perfect life. theres a few things, like, I feel like I shouldn’t feel this way because other people have it worse, and my parents are loving, and I know that, which makes me feel incredibly ungrateful, and hate myself more, like, I try to be kind and think nicely of everyone, but sometimes I don’t. I ruin all the nice moments in my family, like Christmas and Easter and even movie nights, and I know if I wasn’t here, yes, they’d be sad, but they’d be better without me. And anyways in the greater scheme of life, i’ll be forgotten within half a decade or so. I have a masturbation addiction, which is the main thing right now that pushes me, I absolutely hate it, and I feel so disappointed in myself afterwards. Football had been one of the only things stopping me from not eating properly, or hurting myself, but now it’s not doing that as much. I think if I can try to get a better sleep time then I can work on making my mental mind stronger, but it’s hard because I don’t know how to. It’s been like this for almost two years. Nobody in my family knows anything about any of this, I’ve told my online friend but they already have problems in their life, so I don’t really talk to them about this. I’m homeschooled and I feel very alone sometimes, and I feel like it would be easier to restart life if I could. I sometimes spend hours sitting in my cupboard crying about it. I’m good at hiding how I feel, I think. I’m sorry I’m putting this all here.