It's been two years since the loss of my faith from Christianity. Me and my wife, whom were both Christians, used to attend a non denominational church with my in laws, who were leaders in the church.
We stopped attending due to personal beliefs, as well as personal problems at the time. However, given that we both basically abandoned Christianity at the same time, we saw no point in attending any further. About 6-8 months later, ironically, the church closed down as the pastor left for other opportunities elsewhere.
That said, even though I am not a Christian, I still sometimes miss the sense of community, and sense of belonging that came along with attending. However, I would now categorize myself as a Skeptic, Humanist, an agnostic, religious naturalist, or maybe all of the above in some way. I don't personally believe in anything supernatural.
That said, I wish I could sort of have a community again with like-minded people. Unfortunately, nobody else in my family shares our views and are all evangelical or fundamentalist Christians.
It's hard in my particular stance to attend anything on the regular, as my wife works every other weekend so I'm alone with my son and he does not sit still.
When she is off, I don't particularly like the idea of rushing out to go to church before 10am, since I would be the only one going.
Is there any way to get to know other UU people without necessarily jumping every time to a service? Any advice?
Alot of UU churches have live streams of their services, and the ones that use Zoom typically have an online "coffee hour" where people can sit together and chat for awhile and get to know each other. At times they will also have facilitated and reflective conversations on zoom after the service.
We don't go to every service, just life is like that.
Try it and see if you enjoy it and go when it makes sense.
Your kiddo would not be the only one who doesn't sit still, totally normal to have kiddos crawling under the pews sometimes at my congregation. Part of being a place that nurtures kids means giving them the ability to act like kids.
And I think UU congregants, in general, are more tolerant of little wiggles.
Or maybe there's a good RE program for the kid to wiggle in!
I don't attend services all that often, but I am more involved with other activities. Some people are really into ceremonies, ritual, worship, and such, which is fine, but not really my thing. I"m also not a fan of the Protestant-Lite sort of services UU churches typically do. I've been involved in Young Church (aka Sunday school), high school youth group, small group ministry, and meditation.
There is definitely a way to experience community at a UU church, depending on what’s available to you.
Some churches have evening vespers on, say, Wednesdays. Some churches also have social events like potlucks, fundraisers, etc.
A really good way to create relationships with people is through a program called covenant groups, or small group ministry. The problem is that— well, I’m asking myself as a minister how comfortable I would feel welcoming someone to a covenant group if they didn’t come to church on Sundays. That’s the norm.
I know you don’t want to hear this, but going to worship on Sunday morning is how to become known, and form relationships with other people. You might want to think about going twice a month – it’s really the best way to figure out if the community is a good fit for you and I think you’d probably get something out of it. If you do, don’t be surprised if you feel a lot of grief come up. It’s very common for people to find us after they have left another religion and coming to a church tends to bring up residual feelings of grief and loss. If that happens to you, it’s normal.
Good luck! And sorry I wrote a whole sermon here. 😆
This is rather unwelcoming of those with barriers to attendance, on Sundays or in general, and this can get into classism (who is most likely to work jobs outside of a M-F 8-5 schedule?), so you might want to consider examining this and looking for other ways people can demonstrate their intent.
Those are great points!
I am the small group coordinator for our congregation and we do allow people to join into the group but I do vet them first. I want to know what they are looking for and what they expect out of the group. We have multiple types of groups, so I try to put them in something that works for their schedule and their expectations. We also have some Zoom groups for those that cannot get out (some watch the service on Zoom, other don't).
That seems totally reasonable. The only part I was questioning was the idea that you need to attend church on Sunday in order to participate in other activities.
It's okay to go sometimes! Normally there's some kind of kids programming, so if you attend with him, he can do something age appropriate while you worship. In our church, kids are with the grown-ups for the first 10 to 15 minutes, then they go their classrooms. They'll share their joys and sorrows for the week and do an activity that relates to the day's theme. I think this is a pretty typical setup.
Some UU congregations have Humanist group events too!
You might find them at https://huumanists.org/local-groups/ (site under construction) or https://americanhumanist.org/get-involved/find-or-start-a-chapter/
We have people that rarely come to services but who do social justice activities, committee work, church clean up days, etc. But never feel weird about going to church alone, many people do it. We have people at our church whose partners are Christian so they go to their own churches on Sunday.
Every congregation and fellowship is different. We have 1st Sunday, New comers basic boot camp, 2nd Sunday Flame Keepers sharing joys and concerns over coffee, 3rd Sunday CUUPS, 6TH Source, (tarot & tea also on that Sunday), 4th Sunday Main Meeting and Potluck. 5th Sunday none or business or work day. Find out if your UU has a coffee time (ours is Thursdays) or other less formal meetings or ways to engage. I share numerous cups of coffee a month with people who just want to talk or find a place to fit.
I don't know the extent of your son's inability to sit still, but I think it's likely that he would be able to attend either at service (my congregation has fidget toys and coloring books by the door) or at a "religious education" program that runs concurrently with service. I encourage you to ask about the curriculum for that before committing; I'm assuming that you may have hesitations with trusting a religious system with your child, although I suspect you would agree with the principles that they focus on. But if nobody else is bringing this up then maybe it's not super common?
Overall, I have felt very accepted by my congregation despite attending service around 1-2 times monthly. I do go to a number of potlucks and other socials, but I have a long history of imposter syndrome (especially when it comes to "belonging in a community") and I genuinely feel like I am a member of the UU community.
I would encourage you to attend service at least one time (either Sunday or midweek/vespers) and stick around after, talk with people, say it's your first time. I don't think anyone would bat an eye at anything said here, they would just point you in the direction of the best fit for social events/groups and such.
In my congregation it's pretty normal, though by no means required, for parents to hang out with their kids in RE until everyone is comfortable. Parents are comfortable that it's a safe space, and kids are feeling okay with the separation.
I addition to what's already been said about small groups and stuff...
This isn't like fundamentalist churches. While attending services is a good way to get involved in the community, there's no imperative to attend every week. It should be fine to go every other week, or whatever works for your family.
Many churches have their services online in some form, often both real time via Zoom or similar, and reposted on YouTube or another platform later in the week, so you could still "attend" when it doesn't work to go in person if you would like to do so. It's also a good way to get a feel for how things go before attending in person.
Second both of these points. Church is not an all-or-nothing thing with Unitarian Universalists. We understand that people have lives and complex situations. Come as you are (with or without spouse and with rambunctious kid) when you can. And with kids everyone will understand if you and your kid need to step out or even in and out.
The other thing I would say is to reach out to the RE program. One, they will be able to explain all of your options (crying room, playground, nursery or classes depending on your kiddo's age). Two, they will be able to explain the RE program and what resources they have for your kid and your family.
You can have community without specific faith. That's the beauty of UU. U do U. 🙂
I remember a post that someone was trying to figure out what a uu service was like. Someone described two UU churches in Boston, one which was very Christian like in their beliefs and services, the other which was the complete opposite and more multi-faith leaning. (I’m not describing that entirely well, so if someone else can help clarify).
I lived somewhere where I was within 20 minutes of two UU congregations. One I never went into, because the building had a bunch of stained glass and reminded me too much of a Catholic Church. I went a few times to the other one. Finally I found one about 35 minutes away that really “fit.” You may not have options around you, but I guess I’m trying to say that there’s a lot of variation within congregations, and if you have the opportunity to check out different ones, you might want to :))))
Have you looked into the UU services around you? They might have a schedule that works for you better than you’d think. Churches in my area have Sunday services at 11 am or noon, not 10 am. Depending on the church they may also have a nursery or childcare.
There are also many churches that livestream their Sunday services or have online events. My church specifically has a support group for people who find it difficult to attend events in-person due to caregiving responsibilities.
I’ll also echo what others have said, that UU churches tend to be far more casual about attendance than some Christian churches. Many people attend once a month or even less frequently, or have seasons where they’re coming every week and seasons where they don’t attend for months. Nobody should hassle you or imply that you’re somehow deficient if you don’t attend every week.
It was that loss of shared control my pity that led me to a UU church. I’ve never looked back. But