He wanted more from you than you’ve been giving and decided to take it.
Deliberately so.
You say you don’t want him cumming inside of you. He knows this. He clearly has been wanting to do so anyway because he tricked you into letting him tie you up so he could do a thing he knew you didn’t let him while you couldn’t resist.
So honey, not only did this man rape you, he did so with premeditation.
He asked for your permission to tie you up precisely because he was planning on doing something he knew you wouldn’t let him do if you could stop him.
It’s why he ignored your safeword. It’s why he covered your mouth when you got louder.
He had already decided, before the first rope went on, that he WAS going to cum inside of you while you couldn’t stop him.
He deliberately put you in a situation where you couldn’t stop him because he deliberately planned to do something he knew you wouldn’t consent to.
Oh my god reading this and thinking about everything from this perspective makes sense and makes me sick to my stomach. It's sickening if he planned everything. I was at my most vulnerable moment, I just needed his love and protection.
And if you get pregnant from this rape, he has baby-trapped you. That makes you even more vulnerable. You need to seek a morning-after treatment immediately.
I'm not disagreeing that you should do this, but please don't think it's a "silver bullet" that will prove the sex wasn't consensual (definitely going to be his argument if she pursues this). A rape kit will document injuries if there are any, but any she may have (rope burns, etc.) could also be caused by consensual BDSM/rough play.
You can usually overnight ship a pill called “MyWay” from several retailers like Walgreens or even Amazon. It tends to be cheaper (the pharmacy I used to work for sold it for $10 as compared to Plan B that sells for around $50 and they are the same dose of the same meds)
I just stepped out of the hospital, got the rape kit done. Unfortunately, when they administered a pregnancy test, they found that I'm already pregnant. I don't know if he previously tampered with condoms or what, but I'm already pregnant. I don't know what to do now.
DO NOT TELL HIM!! That's the absolute most important element here. He raped you and has proven that he can't be trusted to consider your safety. If he decides he wants you to continue the pregnancy and you don't want to, things could get very dangerous. There's absolutely no reason he needs to be told.
Depending on where you'd live, I'd be extremely wary even of telling a friend or relative. Secrets are safest when no one else knows them. Do you feel able to handle this yourself?
I'm not sure where you're from but three weeks tends to be within the termination window. You'll need to check your areas laws. If this is the route you want to take you need to schedule that appointment sooner rather than later.
Do you live in a state with legal abortions? You caught it early enough for many states. I am so sorry OP. The last thing you need is to be carrying a rapist’s baby— it’s just another way for him to trap and control you.
Do not, under ANY circumstances, tell your husband that you are pregnant right now. Make an appointment with your gyno. Find out how far along you are and consider your options. I will not diminish how difficult this choice is. But do ask yourself if you want to be chained to this man for the rest of your life, and know that courts will not work in your favor when a child is involved. I'm so sorry.
If you're planning to file a police report, do it as soon as you can. Do you have a lawyer or know any lawyers? If so, talk to them first. Ask the police about getting a protective order. You might not be able to get one, but you should ask, and make it clear that you feel unsafe and that you believe he is capable of escalating even further.
Get to a secure location away from your partner as soon as possible. Today. TODAY. Do so completely in secret. DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHERE YOU ARE. Do not tell anyone who doesn't absolutely NEED to know where you are. Take what you can with you, especially valuable items that belong to you specifically, medication, paperwork, and pets if you have any. If you have to return to your marital home later on, bring a large man or a cop with you.
Don't know a lawyer/ don't have one? Start doing some research to find one.
Go to the bank, NOT the one you currently use, and open a new bank account just in your name. There are legal issues related to money/ marriage/ bank accounts but if possible, find a way to put a little bit of money into this new account. A lawyer's advice would be valuable here. But get the account set up no matter what.
Change all of the passwords to all of your online accounts - email, social media, anything that he could potentially access that you don't want him to.
Block his phone number, and block all means of him contacting you aside from maybe email. When possible, direct all future necessary communication with him to be done through lawyers.
Start telling a few important people in your life, whom you can trust, like TRUST trust, what has happened and let them know that you are in danger and need support. Do not expect ANYONE whose relationship basis lies with him to support you. His friends, his family, anyone loyal to him - avoid contact with them. Especially his family - start blocking their numbers now. He will use them to try to get to you.
I had to leave an abusive man in a "bolt in the night" situation, please DM me if you want any further advice or support, I really mean that. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Today is a day to be unbearably strong, once you are in a safe place, then you can let the emotions come in and start processing them. But right now - you have to secure your safety. Immediately.
If I were you I'd find out immediately how/where to terminate that pregnancy. You DO NOT want to be attached to this evil evil man anymore, and a baby is something he will 100% use as an excuse to harass and demonise you. Although let's be clear here: even without that, if you chose to leave him this man will 100% demonise you anyway to anyone you jointly know, he's going to make you out to be the bad person. You need to get the hell out of dodge. I hope you can gather together all your courage and crack on with it 💪🔥 we're all gunning for you ❤️💪❤️
You can buy Plan B on amazon. Same day delivery. No questions, stares, nor judgement. Get out of the house ASAP. You were raped and oh honey. Oh, honey.
Has he pressured you to cum inside of you?
Complained about it?
Nagged?
Repeatedly brought it up?
If he has, realize that this man DELIBERATELY decided that he was tired of you refusing him and then DELIBERATELY planned to rape you.
Every time you discussed BDSM, he planned to rape you.
When you discussed safewords, he planned to rape you.
When he told you it’d be fun, he did so planning to rape you instead.
When he reassured you that he’d stop if you said a safeword, he did so KNOWING he wouldn’t.
Think about every conversation you had with him about him cumming inside of you, every time you told him you didn’t want to do that, every conversation you had about BDSM, safewords, and him immobilizing you, and realize that the entire time, he was sitting there planning on how to take something from you you had made clear you weren’t voluntarily going to give him.
That when after repeatedly nagging you about cumming inside of you it became clear you weren’t going to consent to what he wanted, his plan shifted to figuring out how to take it from you without your consent.
Sit with that. Think about what he was thinking about, lying about, and why.
Then ask yourself again if you really love this man.
Do you even know him well enough to be able to love him, or do you love the false facade he’s been showing you?
A facade that has now really started to crumble, and will -I guarantee it- soon be gone if you don’t leave him.
What other red flags has he been giving you that he doesn’t care about your opinions or consent? The little nagging things you’ve been ignoring because it’s not that bad.
I know they exist. They always do with a guy like this.
You just hold on to the hope that they’re minor enough that things will get better because he’s not that bad overall.
It’s not going to get better.
If you stay, you send him the message that he can get away with stuff like this, and all those little things are going to get a whole lot worse.
Fuck everything looks different now. He used to request me to let him cum in me every once in a while, and to swallow it when I gave him BJs. But I never allowed either and always had him ejaculate on my boobs or butt.
Like everyone else said. Get the assault documented ASAP. Urgent care or er/ae if you can afford it. Morning after pill. Get out of there ASAP if possible.
The replies on reddit and especially in this sub can skew to the absurd. This is not one of those times; there are times you get to see who your SO really is inside and this is one of them.
This kind of abuse and the people who do it tends to skip punching as physical punishment and go straight to punitive sex. Rape as corporal punishment. You didn't acquiesce to what he wanted and he took it in a way that is meant to put you in your place.
Good. Tell them exactly what happened, and they can get you in touch with services. I know you don't have much money, but it's very important that you don't go back to him. You can do this.
Even if you let him do as he asked, the entitlement & audacity is there. I feel like sexual assault is a line you have to cross with great intention especially as an older adult so if you do it, your moral baseline is now lowered & doing it again will not seem as low as it once did. Wouldn’t doubt you were not the first person he ever did things like this to with how he kissed you and left for work as if everything was normal.
You cried while he raped you and it didn't stop him. This man is a monster. He'll beg and plead and make excuses. He'll try to gaslight you that it's not a big deal and you're making him feel bad. He'll probably cry and try to emotionally manipulate you.
But you cried while he raped you and he wouldn't stop. He could. They always can. They really are in control. They're not dogs. They know.
Marital rape is against the law. He doesn't own you or have automatic access whenever he wants just because you're married.
Please get out BEFORE you do anything about it. Get all the info on your financials, but then go to people you trust and divorce this rapist.
This is what hurt me the most and broke my heart. When tears started dropping, I fully expected him to understand I wasn't just being a spoilsport and actually in pain and agony, because I don't cry easily, but he just kept going and I kept writhing in pain.
Im sorry about how harsh the following is going to sound. You’re in so much pain already so I don’t want to make it any worse, but you have to hear this because you have to understand fully what happened so you won’t be tempted to listen to him when he starts to make excuses.
And he IS going to gaslight you and make excuses. He’s going to sound remorseful and convincing while doing so, so you have to fully understand what happened so you’re not open to his manipulations.
The reason he didn’t stop when you started crying, why it didn’t “get through to him”, why the impact and severity of the situation didn’t register to him as a result of your tears is because he wasn’t done with you yet.
Once he committed to raping you, he predetermined what his goal was. How far he wanted to go. What he wanted to accomplish.
And once he decided that, he was going to go all the way no matter what you said or did.
It didn’t matter if you were just quietly protesting, safeworded once, cried, went full blown into hysteria, screamed, hurt yourself trying to escape, or just quietly and in shock laid there while he used you.
Because he had already decided that you didn’t matter to himbefore he tied you up.
He already decided what he wanted, when he would be done, and what he wanted to do to you. Once that decision was made, he was going to finish what he started, no matter what you did, because he had already decided beforehand he wasn’t going to let you stop him.
If he was open to you stopping him, he wouldn’t have raped you.
So seeing that he decided that your consent didn’t matter to him before he tied you up, it didn’t matter to him how you expressed that lack of consent, or why you didn’t consent.
Your pain didn’t matter to him because he already decided beforehand that him cumming inside of you was more important than you are.
Though I have my doubts he will be remorseful. Gaslighting, absolutely. Your rapist will try to convince you you’re overreacting. Or how some unrelated thing actually hurt him, so it’s really your fault. This is DARVO. Please Google it and learn to recognize it. Do not participate in their world view.
And take care of yourself. And maybe find yourself someone safe to stay with while you sort this out?
He’ll totally pretend to be remorseful. He’ll probably cry crocodile tears and claim he “didn’t know” and thought she was having fun too. He’ll 100% DARVO her as you stated.
100%. My ex loved to hurt me and abused me under the guise of BDSM. I'd tell him to stop and he didn't care. I'd have a serious talk with him and tell him he needs to listen to me. He'd feel "really bad" and agree and say he thought I wasn't serious when I asked him to stop. Then he'd do it again.
I need you to never forget that your tears & pain continued that man’s sadistic pleasure. Wishing you safety & getting as far away from that depravity as fast as possible.
Please don't forget this or let him explain it away. What happened was 100% not BDSM, it was rape. You agreed upon a safeword, he didn't just ignore it, he covered your mouth so he wouldn't have to hear you keep saying it. Listen to the other posters, this was premeditated in order to get you pregnant. Get away from him asap.
If your mum still with us? Is she supportive? If so, please call her, tell her and ask for her to arrange tickets home. Even if they're dirt poor a mother will move mountains to get you home. Please do that if that's an option for you. Or a best friend?
I've seen people say he waited until you were isolated and they're right. You need to not be isolated and if that's not possible, you need to find a shelter and get rape crises help.
Really sorry this happened to you. You would not be a spoilsport for saying stop or "pineapple." It is your consent to revoke any time, for any reason.
I am so sorry you were betrayed by the person you trusted most. That was not bdsm. A proper dom takes very good care of his or her sub and always respects the safe word.
He took the mask off; he is a monster. He will try to downplay this and make you ok with it. I'm so very very sorry.
If OP’s situation requires that she stay any length of time while creating an escape plan, the IUD is probably the best bet. If he escalated zero to rape while she screamed and cried, I can’t imagine this would be a one off and she needs to be in control of her fertility while she plans.
Definitely. I mentioned the IUD because many women don't know that IUDs can also be used as emergency contraception. But this only applies to the copper IUD.
She can also get a plan B and then do any birth control that she thinks is the best suited for her. But being on something is a must in this situation, at least until she gets to somewhere safe and away from him.
You need to go to a doctor and get this documented but most importantly to get yourself some plan b. You do not want to be baby trapped by this man. He is not safe. You are not safe with him. Please make an exit plan.
If you don't feel comfortable talking to the wives could you talk to a coworker? If any one of the women I'm acquainted with came to me and told me they aren't safe I would do anything I could and feel no resentment. There are shelters that will give you all the information you need to get out of there asap and failing that churches will often help. I know it's hard. The hardest thing is asking for help when it's something like this. There is support out there. Would your family pool together some money for a ticket home?
please you need to leave asap, you said your family is far, contact them. have them help you get a plane ticket back, pack only the essentials and don’t tip off your husband. i feel like if he knows, he will play dirty tricks to keep you there. personally, i’d be gone before he gets home from work, but your situation may not allow this.
please check local orgs for DV victims. the websites also have an escape link, so if your husband is walking toward you, click the link and it’ll take you to another web page. i’m seriously scared for you.
It was the first time and yet he ignored your agreed safe word, even when you screamed it and were in obvious distress. He 100% planned it and he 100% raped you. Please don’t sugar coat this and keep yourself in danger. Please take a morning after pill as soon as possible and leave this man. How could you ever trust him again after he raped you and then just acted like nothing happened?
OP, please, I'm begging you to take this advice seriously. You need a Plan B, and you need to leave this man. You are not safe, and if you become pregnant you are significantly more at risk.
My partner and I enjoy some really sick, dirty, fucked up shit, but they would never, never do this. Any person who would is absolutely dangerous.
This is very important. It's clearly VERY premeditated based on his actions and his having asked to try BDSM before. It's clear he sees BDSM as a way to get what he wants. This man is VERY dangerous. I hope OP can make a plan to leave him safely because with that much malice aforethought he's probably capable of murder as well.
Your husband raped you and wants to pretend like nothing happened. You need to start making a plan to leave him. Do you have somewhere safe you can go now?
I could never have imagined he would do this. My family lives across the world so I can't go to them and I don't have any friends close enough that I can crash at their place, all the women I know in my city are his friends' wives.
If you're comfortable doing so you might consider going to a doctor to document the bruising/injuries. You don't have to press charges but at least you'll have some evidence later.
Thanks for bringing this to my attention! This didn't even occur to me since I'm so mind-fucked rn. I won't press charges until my emotions are stabilized and I can think clearly, but I will go and get my bruising and injuries documented immediately at the hospital. It has been hurting really bad since the morning so I'm sure there are several injuries.
100% this. My ex-husband would love bomb me for a day or few hours than explode when I just didn't take him back immediately.
He repeated this cycle so many times and just could not understand. I saw his pattern of behavior and didn't want to even deal with the love bombing bc he would just explode at me again if I didn't react how he wanted.
Good for you. It is a good thing to do something to take back a measure of control too. He could overpower you while you were tied up...but you're not fucking tied up now, are you? He thinks he owns you, but he's about to discover that he fucking DOESN'T.
It's okay to wait on major decisions of what to do! In the meantime I'm just so glad to hear you're doing what you can right now to put yourself in a position where you have the widest range of options, once you've had some time to process what's happened 💚
This is the sort of thing that can take years to process so don't rush yourself on that...the most immediate important thing is to find a way to stay safe from him.
I haven’t read enough of the comments to see if anyone else suggested this, but if you are in the US you can request a SANE (Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner) kit. The examiner is a specially trained RN who will provide compassionate care, examination and evidence collection. Tell them you experienced marital rape. I’m so sorry this happened.
Everyone has rightfully been highlighting in concrete terms what he actually did to you, but I also want to remind you that NONE of this is your fault. You didn’t ask to be raped. You agreed to participate in consensual BDSM and then you withdrew consent and were ignored and hurt by someone you trusted deeply. You mentioned a lack of a support system for you locally. The hospital should be able to refer you to local organizations that can help if (and hopefully when) you decide to leave. Seek therapy if you’re able. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you quick and whole healing.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It will take time to process and I completely understand how it feels to not know how to feel or what to do. You’ve received some excellent advice here, please follow through with the hospital visit, police report, and quietly start making plans to leave. You’re in a very vulnerable position right now and will need to advocate for yourself. You have the strength, I promise.
THIS, definitely go to the ER and make a report. Even if there's no evidence.
If he's willing to do this to you, he could be capable of anything. Maybe he's been out there victimizing sex workers and finally got to do it to you too. I'm so sorry, my heart is literally aching for you. u/Reasonable-French - If you are on the US East Coast lmk, you may not have women friends in your area but that doesn't mean you can't find support 💚
If there is anyone near by you think you can trust I’d open up to them. I’d also start planning to get back to my family. This is domestic abuse and you’re entitled to those resources. You can google that and see if there are local options.
You say your family is across the world, so OK you can't go to them immediately. But are you close?
If you told them what was done to you, would they support you? If so, go make that call, have them help you get out this situation.
It's not uncommon for "men" like your husband to target women with low social support, so if that's the case, please get your heart on page because this means it was all premeditated.
I don't know where you are, but most countries have some organisation or agency to help women in your situation.
Could you afford a hotel or an Airbnb for now?
I know this is a nightmare. But there are ways out. There is always a way out.
So sad. I was gonna say. Many men choose partners specifically for vulnerability reasons. Economically or socially-vulnerable spouses + thousands of miles away from their home countries or families = high dependency on the earning spouse (usually the man). They want subservient domestic escorts, not wives and partners.
I don't think it's a coincidence that he decided to abuse and rape you now that you're isolated and not before when you had support. He's banking on the initial shock and then the fear of the unknown (as well as the effort of disentangling) to keep you from leaving.
He is dangerous and calculating. Please do not confront him. Get your ducks in order, get your passport and legal documents, valuable YOU own (not joint property) and sentimental items and LEAVE.
Edit: also get the morning after pill (if available to you) and get STD testing. It leaving right now is not a possibility, then I would also suggest getting on a form of birth control he can't tamper with. Reproductive coercion is unfortunately a common tactic in the abusers tootlkit
I don't know where in the world you are and what resources are available, how their police respond to sexual assault, etc. If you feel comfortable sharing the country you are in, maybe a redditor with knowledge of that country can help you navigate the resources available.
Your priorities right now need to be about physical safety, short term and long term.
Do not get trapped with this man's baby. Seek plan B. If it's not readily available where you are, maybe r/auntienetwork would know how to get you some. Ask for it at the hospital. Please go to a hospital and get this documented.
Do not trust him. If you can leave now, leave now. If you have to stay with him while putting together your plan to leave, do not be fooled. He will try to downplay this. He will try to convince you he's "sorry", he "just got carried away", he "didn't hear you." Don't confront him, don't argue with him, DONT BELIEVE HIM. Avoid sex with him. Get an iud. Don't fall for his excuses and lies. He hurt you very badly and he will do it again, this is who he is. He's already done something awful you never thought he would do. You need to assume hes capable of anything now. Find a safe way to document everything he does to you while you are getting ready to leave.
Plan, plan, plan. How much money do you need to leave? Do you have access to it? Can family send you some? Do you have a bank account he can't access? Can you get one? Can you leave the country, go back home? Will friends/ family back home give you a place to stay? Is there a shelter you can go to? Is there a hotel you can go to? Pay for everything in cash when you can, he can look up cc statements to see what hotel you are at, etc.
This is not your fault. I'm sorry.
Edit: secure your important documents NOW! Passport, ID, anything you need to leave the country/ prove citizenship back home. Get them and keep them someplace he won't find. If you are able to leave take them with you.
I just called my mom, crying, and told her what happened and if she could buy me a plane ticket to get to her.
Her response: "He's your husband dear, how can he rape you? Maybe there was some miscommunication and he got confused. You should be a good wife and not break up your home over some disagreements. I never understand why you young people do all this nasty stuff in the bedroom anyway".
So I guess that's clear, that door is closed and I can't go home. And I don't have much money of my own.
I’m so sorry she responded that way. I hope you know she’s entirely in the wrong, marital rape is rape, none of it is your fault, and you are in no way overreacting
Be very careful with your mother. I can see her calling him and “helping” him retrieve her. Don’t go there, don’t tell her where you are. If she is this clueless, she is dangerous to you.
I would go full mama bear on him. Like castrating with a butter knife mama bear.
Do not let your mother's archaic attitude make you think you have no other support or options. You do. This is not some little misunderstanding and she'll never understand.
I'm so sorry. Do you have any friends in your hometown who could help you? Do you have any local friends who may help? I know it's hard to ask and it'll be hard to explain why. You don't need to offer details. Just tell them your husband intentionally physically harmed you and you don't feel safe. In the meantime, contact a local domestic violence agency and see what resource you can access to get you out safely. The ER will likely be able to put you in contact with resources. Please take care. Good luck.
Also, if you have a credit card of your own, don't be afraid to use it to get out on the next available even if you know you won't be able to pay it off You can deal with debt later. Now your safety is top priority.
I'm so sorry. My heart just broke a little more.
Your mum is in the wrong for this.
Don't listen to her! And he is going to use similar words to hers to pull the wool over your eyes.
Do not listen to him either.
He was not confused. Or lost in the moment.
You don't get confused for that long a time.
Just doesn't happen. Or if indeed he lacks that much wherewithal, he's dangerous anyway.
What if the next moment he gets confused or lost in is even more violent?
I found this via a quick Google. There will be help wherever you are. If by any chance you're in Berlin, or Germany just private message me.
If you have to, look into women's shelters in your area. You need to get away from him. I'm sorry your mother is making excuses for him, that's really heartbreaking. If you have any friends of your own, reach out for help. Even if they can't house you, they may be able to store some of your things or help you get somewhere safe.
Oh OP, I’m so sorry that your mom isn’t supportive in your time of need. My heart breaks for you. Please get away from this monster by any means necessary. Have your doctor document the injuries. Get Plan B. Are you physically & financially able to remove yourself from the situation to a safe place? A hotel even? Just don’t use any credit cards that he has access to & can trace you with.
OP, a lot of times moms react this way bc they underwent marital sexual abuse or it was somehow normalized. Please do not rely on her perspective; it has been twisted.
Many lawyers will offer a free initial consult. You can usually book a meeting room at your local library so there's no chance of him overhearing you. With evidence of marital rape, you may be able to get additional access to joint assets earlier in the process.
Ask the lawyer if they have any particular recommendations for local women's shelters/assistance. You may not have to stay in the shelter for very long or at all because sometimes they can help people identify emergency housing options. You won't know until you call.
I am so, so sorry this man betrayed you to fulfill his own rapist fantasies.
sorry for what happened to you, no one deserves it. I believe there is a subreddit called auntie network, try to look into these kind of groups, I hope they can help you get temporary shelter
Classic abuser move. Isolate you so when he did this you'd be stuck. Gather the wives, tell them what happened, go to the police. Get your important paperwork and leave. Stuff is just stuff. Your safety is in danger. This man does not love you. That was a lie. This is the real him. Don't let him show you twice.
Hiya I don't know where you are but please look at women's refuges in your area. They will help you make a plan and get out.
If your husband asks for BDSM play again, refuse.
Just as a point, if you get someone who genuinely knows about BDSM, that genuinely practises BDSM, this wouldn't have happened. Your husband simply used it as an excuse to tie you up and rape you.
The woman's refuge may ask you if you want to report him and if you have the courage I hope you do so.
I am sending you lots of love and warm comfort, and many internet hugs.
If you need time to prep to leave please consider getting an IUD without his knowledge. Let the ob that places it know your situation so they can help make sure it’s undetectable.
I just stepped out of the hospital, got the rape kit done. Unfortunately, when they administered a pregnancy test, they found that I'm already pregnant. I don't know if he previously tampered with condoms or what, but I'm already pregnant. I don't know what to do now.
I’m not sure how you feel about abortion but I agree with the others in seeking one out. He absolutely baby trapped you & will use it as a form of control & further instill in you that you can’t leave him.
Has he attempted to reach out to you at all? Does he suspect anything at this point?
Three weeks is very very early. They count from the first day of your last period — so it is more like one week since conception. We are talking about a dot 1/100th of an inch that might not even be implanted in your uterus yet.
The mask slipped and he showed you who he really is. Raising kids with this man will be literal actual torture. Please don’t have a baby with this person.
I’m surprised the hospital didn’t offer you anything to terminate your pregnancy, esp since you just went in for a rape kit. If you are just barely pregnant, you still have time in most US states to get a medical/pill termination - typically till 6 weeks. If your state has a ban, contact the r/auntienetwork. They’ll help. Or aidaccess.com
Yes, please try to go on autopilot enough to get this step done. It's just one step, you don't need to talk to the police or figure out what you're going to do. Just go and get the kit done and then worry about everything else later.
Oh my god I somehow missed this. He did this horrible thing, ignored your cries, then when he was done with it all he left you there to wallow in your fear.
Go and get Plan B to prevent a pregnancy immediately. I know you are reeling from the fact your husband has raped you but you need to take steps to prevent a pregnancy and quickly. The sooner you take Plan B the more effective it is.
I am so so sorry and I hope you find the strength to leave this awful person.
That’s all I could think, she needs a plan b because the abuse gets worse after pregnancy. The very first time he ties her up, he rapes her. I don’t want to think about what he will do when she is pregnant and vulnerable
You appear to be quite socially isolated (no friends you can trust, no family close). Your husband knows this and will take advantage of it. So even if your family is across the world, please reach out to someone you can trust to either leave this place or have them come pick you up. If I were your family, I guarantee you distance wouldn't matter and I would want to be by your side.
Please also get a rape kit done and document it. Start lawyering up, make sure you have a separate bank account he cannot access etc. and make quiet plans to leave him.
He will try to gaslight you, dismiss you, control you, fake-apologize and cry or whatever to keep you but you need to leave.
I don’t know if you saw OP’s comment, but they attempted to contact their mother and she dismissed the worries as a miscommunication and doesn’t see marital rape as rape, so unfortunately OP is more limited.
This was marital rape and has nothing to do with BDSM. I’m so sorry this happened to you, you deserve better from the one person you’re supposed to trust in this life.
OP- I’m in Oslo, Norway. If this is your part of the world, I would be happy to escort you to the doctor, a shelter, anywhere you can get away and get help. You are not alone in this. Look how many others in this thread that are here for you. We got you.
My brain tells me it was rape but my heart can't seem to accept that the person I know and love so much did this, I'm still just trying to process everything, it doesn't make sense.
I've been where you are. My ex husband did the same thing to me... and I stayed for a while after it started because I couldn't face the fact that it was rape. I even tried to talk to him about it and he dismissed my feelings and made me feel like I was in the wrong. It never got better, only worse.
The person you know you never knew. They never existed. They were fake, they were a lie. They'd planned on raping. You are not alone. Do not let him get you pregnant either.
The person YOU love does not love you, or he would not have done this. That's what you need to tell yourself. Take a moment and pretend this happened to someone else: she let her husband tie her up during sex, she tried to tell him she was hurting and he ignored her, she tried to tell him to stop and he covered her mouth and kept going, he ignored her tears and finished and left her on the bed tied up and crying while he left the room. Does any of this sound like the actions of a man who loves a woman?
Your own feelings, all of them, are valid, but just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to stay with them.
If he were into BDSM he would prioritize your safety and aftercare
If he were your loving husband, your pain and tears would stop and concern him
He enjoyed it
He likes traumatizing you, if you follow his lead and let him get away with it, things will get worse
You’re isolated, he pushed past all your boundaries and if you accept this abuse it signals your weakness, your dependence, and his freedom to do as he pleases without fearing your retaliation
This is only the first test of how broken and agreeable you are. Besides the most obviously vulnerable / easy to victimize women, men will usually wait until a certain level of buy-in before they try these behaviours.
It may be love, cohabitation, marriage, economic dependence, kids… it’s not always an intentional plot, but whenever the abuser starts to feel comfortable with their power in the dynamic - that’s when you’ll find your dehumanization into an object begins
This is absolutely true. All that time being sweet, loving and tender was to soften the target, otherwise she never would have gone along with it. How despicable.
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how difficult that is to experience. Sometimes hearts and heads don’t always sync up as quickly- add shock onto it and it’ll take some effort and time to process. You are brave for reaching out to this community to get perspective. We’re here for you even if we’re strangers.
Now that he's done this once, do you think he'll stop wanting this? Because I don't think so, especially given that he left you tied up so long, didn't comfort you in your distress, and pretended it hadn't happened this morning. You need to get somewhere safe. Is Plan B available where you are, getting pregnant right now would make this whole situation worse.
Please also grab a morning after pill. I’m so so sorry this has happened to you, this is awful and it’s understandable you are not thinking straight, but this is one point that could be really important to make sure he can’t trap you.
This happened to me, too. I gave it a few months, and my brain tried to forgive him, but my body just couldn’t. He didn’t feel like my safe space anymore, so I left.
I’m so sorry. I know it hurts to have your trust betrayed like that. (Hugs)
Safe words are literally the difference between BDSM/role play and assault/rape.
And it doesn't sound like you negotiated consensual non-consent at any point, so he should have stopped when you said no, and stop anyway!
I'm really sorry he did this to you, OP. I'm really sorry that it's so clear that he knew you wanted him to stop, and he just didn't give a shit about your consent.
I really hope you can make a plan to leave.
"If I were sorry for my actions, would I ever stoop so low?" Is a line from a song, but if and when he apologises for raping you, I urge you to remain sceptical. He knew what he was doing was every kind of fucked up and wrong, and he did it anyway.
The BDSM part was just a convenient way for him to get her into the vulnerable position he needed. Dude never cared about anything about it except how he could use it to his ‘advantage’.
Absolutely, safe words are sacred. But, outside of consensual non-consent, "No" and "stop" mean exactly that.
Really, "no," "stop," "untie me," etc. are the original safewords. The only time you need a word like "pineapple" or "red" or any other word like that, is if you've negotiated in advance with your partner that you WANT to be able to say things like "no" or "stop," but have your partner continue anyway.
OP, I am so sorry for what he did to you, and fully enraged on your behalf.
This was rape. Please at least go to a doctor and get the physical damage documented. You should also go to the police but they aren’t reliable so only do what you’re comfortable. Also, try to get him to admit what he did in writing. Text would work. Just document as much as you can and Dow why you need to take care of yourself because he showed his true face and he doesn’t love or respect you.
this is how abuse starts. First the abuser gets you isolated from friends and family and then the abuse starts. You need to get out now. You may find r/abusiverelationships to be helpful.
I hate to sound like I'm jumping on the bandwagon here, but if someone ignores your safeword, then you have every right to fight back with everything you've got. He knew that you would be in a confused state and took advantage. Listen to your gut...there were reasons you hesitated to engage in this activity previously. Keep listening to your gut, it's not wrong.
He raped you. He knows he raped you. He doesn’t feel bad about it. He tied you up and put a hand over your mouth. He has raped other women before, I promise you.
Go to the hospital then call the police. This may seem extreme because he is your husband and this will blow up your life. But he already blew up your life when he raped you and he will rape you again and again if you stay with him. Be safe. Be smart. Protect yourself. Do not confront him, do not tell him what you are doing.
He raped you. I’m so sorry. For me this would be a relationship ender, then and there.
If he acts like nothing happened, and you are set to leave him, my advice is don’t address it and get things in order to leave. Get all your important documents and sentimental items somewhere safe, and ghost him. I would honestly suggest telling friends and family he did something violating and unforgivable and leave it at that, most people will be able to connect the dots without prying
I’m sorry you went thru that OP. Keep yourself safe.
I was with my husband for 6 years, and it took 4 years before I started even getting a glimpse of the real person he was.
you can know someone for a long time and not truly know them, okay? he raped you, and that somehow feels like an understatement to say bc of how terribly violated you were.
I'm so sorry. What happened yo you should never happen to anyone. He raped you and he knows it. You need to get away from this man ASAP. Can you go to the police? Or at least a doctor to get plan b and a rape kit done? I'm so sorry.
[This turned out pretty long, so my TL;DR here is:
Protect yourself from pregnancy
Alert medical professionals
Flee the danger with important documents in hand
See EDIT below for further explanation]
I'm going to say this bluntly, this was rape and it was planned ahead of time.
When you said you needed lube, he should have given you lube. When you said the word, he should have stopped. When you began to show clear distress and fear, he did not care and sought to silence you. You had said you were not okay with him finishing inside you, he did it anyways against your wishes. The biggest point of BDSM is to be safe, sane, and consensual, and he did none of these things. He didn't want to try BDSM with you, he just wanted to tie you up so he could do the things he wanted to that he knew you wouldn't be okay with. He wanted that power and control with no respect or care involved, and he used BDSM as a pretext to get you there.
He will probably not acknowledge that this act was rape, and that it was an act of violence against you, or he may make up an excuse (lost in the moment, confused/mixed signals/thought you enjoyed it, husbands can't rape wives/vice versa, you deserve it for XYZ reason, etc). This is all bullshit. You very clearly were suffering, and he very clearly is the individual who instigated it. There is no good reason to bring such soul shattering pain to those you're meant to love and cherish.
Your husband has raped you, and I'm so horribly sorry this happened. Please continue talking with folks on here and professionals who can help you navigate this kind of trauma. I hope you're given the outpouring of love and support through this that you deserve, both online and IRL.
ETA: Seconding all the other comments!!!
If nothing else, while you start to navigate this malestrom there are 3 big things to be sure you fight through the fog to get done above all else right now. I'm gonna call them P.A.F.
Protect, Alert, Flee
[P]rotect yourself from pregnancy (test, plan B, contraceptives; be sure you know where they are and that they aren't tampered with)
[A]lert medical professionals (rape kit, photos of bodily harm, document the event and your experience, etc. Police can wait.)
[F]lee the source of violence, taking important documents with you (birth certificate, passport, ID, title of your vehicle, medical info, bank info, etc.)
Do so swiftly and covertly. Contact DV and women's shelters in your area even if you don't think they can help you. When you go looking for the helpers, you'd be surprised at what they can come up with.
Once these things are taken care of, log out of any and all accounts (email, social media, bank, etc) that your husband may or may not have access to. Be very mindful of where your car keys are. He does not need access to your phone/laptop/computer/vehicle now.
I hate to put it this way, but when someone chooses to harm you like this, you must no longer assume they have respect for your well being and life. If some random were to attack me in the street I would assume I'm fighting for my life and trust nothing out of their mouth; this situation is no different. You must assume that someone capable of this kind of violence towards you would also have no moral qualms with trying to silence or punish you for fleeing them and seeking help, and this is why it's not safe for you to stay there.
When someone you thought you knew well shows you they're capable of something truly heinous, please please get away. There is no number of "I'm sorry"s, date nights, or crocodile tears that can make up for this.
Tell your family. Find domestic abuse shelter help. Women who are strangers to you will help you get out of there- especially if you are in the US. Get angry. 😡 You are a victim of a heinous crime. Be sad and mourn the marriage and man you thought you had later.
People we love make mistakes, and they can make BIG mistakes. But rape is not even in the same zip code as a mistake. He wasn't misguided. He wasn't oblivious. This was an intentional violation and abuse against your body and mind.
I hope he can never again convince you to be bound so that you can't protect yourself. You now know he can't be trusted. He showed you his teeth, he showed you he sees you as prey and that he's a serious danger to the well-being of your body and mind.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's devastating.
First off- I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard this must be to process.
I strongly encourage you to go the hospital. You don't need to press charges necessarily, but you need to document that this happened. If he says anything in written communication about it, screenshot it and save it. Get Plan B while you're there. You need to do this today. I know it's going to be hard, but unfortunately it is time sensitive.
Then you need to go file for divorce. I know you don't want to believe he would do this again, but I would gently point out that you didn't think he would do it the first time either. Contact a womens shelter about resources. I know it's going to be hard to do without a support network, but the alternative is staying with a man who raped you, and it seems very much like he planned to do so. You are not safe with this man.
As much as you may feel like you want to talk to him about this
Dont
Most men never want to believe they've raped someone even if the rape was violent and deliberate. He will try to gaslight you and make you feel like what he did was consensual and make you feel like a perpetrator for suggesting it. Please don't try to talk about this with him.
As a kinky person who was in bdsm relationships in the past, this is not consensual bdsm, this was rape.
Something else worth noting, as this was a fake attempt to bdsm, is that usually after a scene the first thing the dominant part does is taking care of the submissive part. It's called aftercare. You talk to the bottom, make sure they are good, cuddle and console them if needed, make sure they are back to a normal power dynamic and sound state of mind before doing anything else. From what you say, your husband clearly didn't care.
I agree with what others are telling you.
Please go to the ER and get your injuries and soreness documented, try to get after day pill and really, really sit and think hard if you want to spend a single day more with this monster. He took advantage of your openness to try something new to use you and satisfy a fantasy of his, with complete disregard for your pleasure, your wellbeing, and your pain. It doesn't matter what he has been before yesterday. He showed you his real face, please believe him.
My last bdsm relationship was absolutely unhealthy, my ex was a douche, but when doing kinky stuff he never once ignored me when using the safeword, and always made sure that I was okay before, during and after.
He wanted more from you than you’ve been giving and decided to take it.
Deliberately so.
You say you don’t want him cumming inside of you. He knows this. He clearly has been wanting to do so anyway because he tricked you into letting him tie you up so he could do a thing he knew you didn’t let him while you couldn’t resist.
So honey, not only did this man rape you, he did so with premeditation.
He asked for your permission to tie you up precisely because he was planning on doing something he knew you wouldn’t let him do if you could stop him.
It’s why he ignored your safeword. It’s why he covered your mouth when you got louder.
He had already decided, before the first rope went on, that he WAS going to cum inside of you while you couldn’t stop him.
He deliberately put you in a situation where you couldn’t stop him because he deliberately planned to do something he knew you wouldn’t consent to.
He didn’t just rape you.
He PLANNED on raping you from the start.
Oh my god reading this and thinking about everything from this perspective makes sense and makes me sick to my stomach. It's sickening if he planned everything. I was at my most vulnerable moment, I just needed his love and protection.
And if you get pregnant from this rape, he has baby-trapped you. That makes you even more vulnerable. You need to seek a morning-after treatment immediately.
[deleted]
Also Costco has plan B for like $6 if OP has a membership!
Can get plan B from Costco even without membership
Oh good! I didn’t realize - I have a membership
Yup, all medications and pharmacy are available for everyone even those without membership.
They even sell the Opill and you can buy 3 packs at a time which is 9mos worth of birth control.
wise badge apparatus party rock abundant wrench fade cover mountainous
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
No. Go to the ER before the police are called. They are more likely to actually do something/take her seriously and not brush her off.
Yes go to the er for a rape kit
I'm not disagreeing that you should do this, but please don't think it's a "silver bullet" that will prove the sex wasn't consensual (definitely going to be his argument if she pursues this). A rape kit will document injuries if there are any, but any she may have (rope burns, etc.) could also be caused by consensual BDSM/rough play.
And anyone who knows anything about BSDM knows what a safe eord IS and WHY it is used, and that when the safe word is given and ignored itsvrape.
I would also go to the hospital and get any injurys documented.
This breaks my heart for op.
You can usually overnight ship a pill called “MyWay” from several retailers like Walgreens or even Amazon. It tends to be cheaper (the pharmacy I used to work for sold it for $10 as compared to Plan B that sells for around $50 and they are the same dose of the same meds)
I just stepped out of the hospital, got the rape kit done. Unfortunately, when they administered a pregnancy test, they found that I'm already pregnant. I don't know if he previously tampered with condoms or what, but I'm already pregnant. I don't know what to do now.
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support swim shy plant late sharp wild abundant public tidy
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THIS.
DO NOT TELL HIM!! That's the absolute most important element here. He raped you and has proven that he can't be trusted to consider your safety. If he decides he wants you to continue the pregnancy and you don't want to, things could get very dangerous. There's absolutely no reason he needs to be told.
Depending on where you'd live, I'd be extremely wary even of telling a friend or relative. Secrets are safest when no one else knows them. Do you feel able to handle this yourself?
I'm not sure where you're from but three weeks tends to be within the termination window. You'll need to check your areas laws. If this is the route you want to take you need to schedule that appointment sooner rather than later.
Do you live in a state with legal abortions? You caught it early enough for many states. I am so sorry OP. The last thing you need is to be carrying a rapist’s baby— it’s just another way for him to trap and control you.
That embryo is still the size of a poppy seed. Hopefully you live somewhere where you still have a choice in what to do.
Do not, under ANY circumstances, tell your husband that you are pregnant right now. Make an appointment with your gyno. Find out how far along you are and consider your options. I will not diminish how difficult this choice is. But do ask yourself if you want to be chained to this man for the rest of your life, and know that courts will not work in your favor when a child is involved. I'm so sorry.
If you're planning to file a police report, do it as soon as you can. Do you have a lawyer or know any lawyers? If so, talk to them first. Ask the police about getting a protective order. You might not be able to get one, but you should ask, and make it clear that you feel unsafe and that you believe he is capable of escalating even further.
Get to a secure location away from your partner as soon as possible. Today. TODAY. Do so completely in secret. DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHERE YOU ARE. Do not tell anyone who doesn't absolutely NEED to know where you are. Take what you can with you, especially valuable items that belong to you specifically, medication, paperwork, and pets if you have any. If you have to return to your marital home later on, bring a large man or a cop with you.
Don't know a lawyer/ don't have one? Start doing some research to find one.
Go to the bank, NOT the one you currently use, and open a new bank account just in your name. There are legal issues related to money/ marriage/ bank accounts but if possible, find a way to put a little bit of money into this new account. A lawyer's advice would be valuable here. But get the account set up no matter what.
Change all of the passwords to all of your online accounts - email, social media, anything that he could potentially access that you don't want him to.
Block his phone number, and block all means of him contacting you aside from maybe email. When possible, direct all future necessary communication with him to be done through lawyers.
Start telling a few important people in your life, whom you can trust, like TRUST trust, what has happened and let them know that you are in danger and need support. Do not expect ANYONE whose relationship basis lies with him to support you. His friends, his family, anyone loyal to him - avoid contact with them. Especially his family - start blocking their numbers now. He will use them to try to get to you.
I had to leave an abusive man in a "bolt in the night" situation, please DM me if you want any further advice or support, I really mean that. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Today is a day to be unbearably strong, once you are in a safe place, then you can let the emotions come in and start processing them. But right now - you have to secure your safety. Immediately.
Can't upvote this enough.
And don't feel you are alone. There are resources you can pull on to get you through this.
If I were you I'd find out immediately how/where to terminate that pregnancy. You DO NOT want to be attached to this evil evil man anymore, and a baby is something he will 100% use as an excuse to harass and demonise you. Although let's be clear here: even without that, if you chose to leave him this man will 100% demonise you anyway to anyone you jointly know, he's going to make you out to be the bad person. You need to get the hell out of dodge. I hope you can gather together all your courage and crack on with it 💪🔥 we're all gunning for you ❤️💪❤️
edit nvm 🙄
If you're in a state that has outlawed abortion, I recommend an out of state camping trip.
You can buy Plan B on amazon. Same day delivery. No questions, stares, nor judgement. Get out of the house ASAP. You were raped and oh honey. Oh, honey.
Has he pressured you to cum inside of you? Complained about it? Nagged? Repeatedly brought it up?
If he has, realize that this man DELIBERATELY decided that he was tired of you refusing him and then DELIBERATELY planned to rape you.
Every time you discussed BDSM, he planned to rape you. When you discussed safewords, he planned to rape you.
When he told you it’d be fun, he did so planning to rape you instead.
When he reassured you that he’d stop if you said a safeword, he did so KNOWING he wouldn’t.
Think about every conversation you had with him about him cumming inside of you, every time you told him you didn’t want to do that, every conversation you had about BDSM, safewords, and him immobilizing you, and realize that the entire time, he was sitting there planning on how to take something from you you had made clear you weren’t voluntarily going to give him.
That when after repeatedly nagging you about cumming inside of you it became clear you weren’t going to consent to what he wanted, his plan shifted to figuring out how to take it from you without your consent.
Sit with that. Think about what he was thinking about, lying about, and why.
Then ask yourself again if you really love this man.
Do you even know him well enough to be able to love him, or do you love the false facade he’s been showing you?
A facade that has now really started to crumble, and will -I guarantee it- soon be gone if you don’t leave him.
What other red flags has he been giving you that he doesn’t care about your opinions or consent? The little nagging things you’ve been ignoring because it’s not that bad.
I know they exist. They always do with a guy like this. You just hold on to the hope that they’re minor enough that things will get better because he’s not that bad overall.
It’s not going to get better.
If you stay, you send him the message that he can get away with stuff like this, and all those little things are going to get a whole lot worse.
Fuck everything looks different now. He used to request me to let him cum in me every once in a while, and to swallow it when I gave him BJs. But I never allowed either and always had him ejaculate on my boobs or butt.
Like everyone else said. Get the assault documented ASAP. Urgent care or er/ae if you can afford it. Morning after pill. Get out of there ASAP if possible.
The replies on reddit and especially in this sub can skew to the absurd. This is not one of those times; there are times you get to see who your SO really is inside and this is one of them.
This kind of abuse and the people who do it tends to skip punching as physical punishment and go straight to punitive sex. Rape as corporal punishment. You didn't acquiesce to what he wanted and he took it in a way that is meant to put you in your place.
I'm currently on my way to the hospital
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This. There’s other methods like going through a women’s shelter who have ways and protocols to hide this stuff from abusers.
Good. Tell them exactly what happened, and they can get you in touch with services. I know you don't have much money, but it's very important that you don't go back to him. You can do this.
I am so, so proud of you! Please get looked at and we'll be rooting for you the whole way.
Sending love and support to you as you navigate your path through this.
Even if you let him do as he asked, the entitlement & audacity is there. I feel like sexual assault is a line you have to cross with great intention especially as an older adult so if you do it, your moral baseline is now lowered & doing it again will not seem as low as it once did. Wouldn’t doubt you were not the first person he ever did things like this to with how he kissed you and left for work as if everything was normal.
You cried while he raped you and it didn't stop him. This man is a monster. He'll beg and plead and make excuses. He'll try to gaslight you that it's not a big deal and you're making him feel bad. He'll probably cry and try to emotionally manipulate you.
But you cried while he raped you and he wouldn't stop. He could. They always can. They really are in control. They're not dogs. They know.
Marital rape is against the law. He doesn't own you or have automatic access whenever he wants just because you're married.
Please get out BEFORE you do anything about it. Get all the info on your financials, but then go to people you trust and divorce this rapist.
This is what hurt me the most and broke my heart. When tears started dropping, I fully expected him to understand I wasn't just being a spoilsport and actually in pain and agony, because I don't cry easily, but he just kept going and I kept writhing in pain.
Im sorry about how harsh the following is going to sound. You’re in so much pain already so I don’t want to make it any worse, but you have to hear this because you have to understand fully what happened so you won’t be tempted to listen to him when he starts to make excuses.
And he IS going to gaslight you and make excuses. He’s going to sound remorseful and convincing while doing so, so you have to fully understand what happened so you’re not open to his manipulations.
The reason he didn’t stop when you started crying, why it didn’t “get through to him”, why the impact and severity of the situation didn’t register to him as a result of your tears is because he wasn’t done with you yet.
Once he committed to raping you, he predetermined what his goal was. How far he wanted to go. What he wanted to accomplish.
And once he decided that, he was going to go all the way no matter what you said or did.
It didn’t matter if you were just quietly protesting, safeworded once, cried, went full blown into hysteria, screamed, hurt yourself trying to escape, or just quietly and in shock laid there while he used you.
Because he had already decided that you didn’t matter to him before he tied you up.
He already decided what he wanted, when he would be done, and what he wanted to do to you. Once that decision was made, he was going to finish what he started, no matter what you did, because he had already decided beforehand he wasn’t going to let you stop him.
If he was open to you stopping him, he wouldn’t have raped you.
So seeing that he decided that your consent didn’t matter to him before he tied you up, it didn’t matter to him how you expressed that lack of consent, or why you didn’t consent.
Your pain didn’t matter to him because he already decided beforehand that him cumming inside of you was more important than you are.
Please listen to this person 👆
Though I have my doubts he will be remorseful. Gaslighting, absolutely. Your rapist will try to convince you you’re overreacting. Or how some unrelated thing actually hurt him, so it’s really your fault. This is DARVO. Please Google it and learn to recognize it. Do not participate in their world view.
And take care of yourself. And maybe find yourself someone safe to stay with while you sort this out?
He’ll totally pretend to be remorseful. He’ll probably cry crocodile tears and claim he “didn’t know” and thought she was having fun too. He’ll 100% DARVO her as you stated.
Oftentimes the pain is intentional.
100%. My ex loved to hurt me and abused me under the guise of BDSM. I'd tell him to stop and he didn't care. I'd have a serious talk with him and tell him he needs to listen to me. He'd feel "really bad" and agree and say he thought I wasn't serious when I asked him to stop. Then he'd do it again.
I need you to never forget that your tears & pain continued that man’s sadistic pleasure. Wishing you safety & getting as far away from that depravity as fast as possible.
Please don't forget this or let him explain it away. What happened was 100% not BDSM, it was rape. You agreed upon a safeword, he didn't just ignore it, he covered your mouth so he wouldn't have to hear you keep saying it. Listen to the other posters, this was premeditated in order to get you pregnant. Get away from him asap.
I'm so sorry.
If your mum still with us? Is she supportive? If so, please call her, tell her and ask for her to arrange tickets home. Even if they're dirt poor a mother will move mountains to get you home. Please do that if that's an option for you. Or a best friend?
I've seen people say he waited until you were isolated and they're right. You need to not be isolated and if that's not possible, you need to find a shelter and get rape crises help.
Really sorry this happened to you. You would not be a spoilsport for saying stop or "pineapple." It is your consent to revoke any time, for any reason.
Please go to the hospital, get a rape kit, and notify the police.
This man is a predator.
I am so sorry OP
I am so sorry you were betrayed by the person you trusted most. That was not bdsm. A proper dom takes very good care of his or her sub and always respects the safe word.
He took the mask off; he is a monster. He will try to downplay this and make you ok with it. I'm so very very sorry.
Plan B now. Don't get caught with his child.
Get a plan B immediately! Emergency IUD can also be placed up to 5 days afterwards.
I'm so sorry. He is an awful human.
If OP’s situation requires that she stay any length of time while creating an escape plan, the IUD is probably the best bet. If he escalated zero to rape while she screamed and cried, I can’t imagine this would be a one off and she needs to be in control of her fertility while she plans.
Definitely. I mentioned the IUD because many women don't know that IUDs can also be used as emergency contraception. But this only applies to the copper IUD.
She can also get a plan B and then do any birth control that she thinks is the best suited for her. But being on something is a must in this situation, at least until she gets to somewhere safe and away from him.
You need to go to a doctor and get this documented but most importantly to get yourself some plan b. You do not want to be baby trapped by this man. He is not safe. You are not safe with him. Please make an exit plan.
If you don't feel comfortable talking to the wives could you talk to a coworker? If any one of the women I'm acquainted with came to me and told me they aren't safe I would do anything I could and feel no resentment. There are shelters that will give you all the information you need to get out of there asap and failing that churches will often help. I know it's hard. The hardest thing is asking for help when it's something like this. There is support out there. Would your family pool together some money for a ticket home?
please you need to leave asap, you said your family is far, contact them. have them help you get a plane ticket back, pack only the essentials and don’t tip off your husband. i feel like if he knows, he will play dirty tricks to keep you there. personally, i’d be gone before he gets home from work, but your situation may not allow this.
please check local orgs for DV victims. the websites also have an escape link, so if your husband is walking toward you, click the link and it’ll take you to another web page. i’m seriously scared for you.
It was the first time and yet he ignored your agreed safe word, even when you screamed it and were in obvious distress. He 100% planned it and he 100% raped you. Please don’t sugar coat this and keep yourself in danger. Please take a morning after pill as soon as possible and leave this man. How could you ever trust him again after he raped you and then just acted like nothing happened?
Get yourself some plan B, and start making exit plans. Someone who loves you will not rape you. This man raped you.
This is rape in marriage. You are not safe, go to a hospital and get a rape kit but consider legal actions and please take plan b.
OP, please, I'm begging you to take this advice seriously. You need a Plan B, and you need to leave this man. You are not safe, and if you become pregnant you are significantly more at risk.
My partner and I enjoy some really sick, dirty, fucked up shit, but they would never, never do this. Any person who would is absolutely dangerous.
This is very important. It's clearly VERY premeditated based on his actions and his having asked to try BDSM before. It's clear he sees BDSM as a way to get what he wants. This man is VERY dangerous. I hope OP can make a plan to leave him safely because with that much malice aforethought he's probably capable of murder as well.
also the fact that he wasn’t in the least turned off by his partner crying and wanting him to stop! finding pleasure in the pain of your wife..? wtf
Your husband raped you and wants to pretend like nothing happened. You need to start making a plan to leave him. Do you have somewhere safe you can go now?
I could never have imagined he would do this. My family lives across the world so I can't go to them and I don't have any friends close enough that I can crash at their place, all the women I know in my city are his friends' wives.
If you're comfortable doing so you might consider going to a doctor to document the bruising/injuries. You don't have to press charges but at least you'll have some evidence later.
Thanks for bringing this to my attention! This didn't even occur to me since I'm so mind-fucked rn. I won't press charges until my emotions are stabilized and I can think clearly, but I will go and get my bruising and injuries documented immediately at the hospital. It has been hurting really bad since the morning so I'm sure there are several injuries.
Get ready for love bombing bullshit
100% this. My ex-husband would love bomb me for a day or few hours than explode when I just didn't take him back immediately.
He repeated this cycle so many times and just could not understand. I saw his pattern of behavior and didn't want to even deal with the love bombing bc he would just explode at me again if I didn't react how he wanted.
Yep, and the gaslighting. My ex told me so many times that it “didn’t happen” that I started to believe it until I snapped out of it again.
Good for you. It is a good thing to do something to take back a measure of control too. He could overpower you while you were tied up...but you're not fucking tied up now, are you? He thinks he owns you, but he's about to discover that he fucking DOESN'T.
It's okay to wait on major decisions of what to do! In the meantime I'm just so glad to hear you're doing what you can right now to put yourself in a position where you have the widest range of options, once you've had some time to process what's happened 💚
This is the sort of thing that can take years to process so don't rush yourself on that...the most immediate important thing is to find a way to stay safe from him.
This is so powerful! I'm glad op is reading this. It's very easy to push your trauma aside and submit.
I haven’t read enough of the comments to see if anyone else suggested this, but if you are in the US you can request a SANE (Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner) kit. The examiner is a specially trained RN who will provide compassionate care, examination and evidence collection. Tell them you experienced marital rape. I’m so sorry this happened.
Everyone has rightfully been highlighting in concrete terms what he actually did to you, but I also want to remind you that NONE of this is your fault. You didn’t ask to be raped. You agreed to participate in consensual BDSM and then you withdrew consent and were ignored and hurt by someone you trusted deeply. You mentioned a lack of a support system for you locally. The hospital should be able to refer you to local organizations that can help if (and hopefully when) you decide to leave. Seek therapy if you’re able. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you quick and whole healing.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It will take time to process and I completely understand how it feels to not know how to feel or what to do. You’ve received some excellent advice here, please follow through with the hospital visit, police report, and quietly start making plans to leave. You’re in a very vulnerable position right now and will need to advocate for yourself. You have the strength, I promise.
THIS, definitely go to the ER and make a report. Even if there's no evidence.
If he's willing to do this to you, he could be capable of anything. Maybe he's been out there victimizing sex workers and finally got to do it to you too. I'm so sorry, my heart is literally aching for you. u/Reasonable-French - If you are on the US East Coast lmk, you may not have women friends in your area but that doesn't mean you can't find support 💚
If there is anyone near by you think you can trust I’d open up to them. I’d also start planning to get back to my family. This is domestic abuse and you’re entitled to those resources. You can google that and see if there are local options.
You can also call Rainn. https://rainn.org/resources
I’m so sorry this is happening.
You say your family is across the world, so OK you can't go to them immediately. But are you close? If you told them what was done to you, would they support you? If so, go make that call, have them help you get out this situation.
It's not uncommon for "men" like your husband to target women with low social support, so if that's the case, please get your heart on page because this means it was all premeditated.
I don't know where you are, but most countries have some organisation or agency to help women in your situation.
Could you afford a hotel or an Airbnb for now?
I know this is a nightmare. But there are ways out. There is always a way out.
So sad. I was gonna say. Many men choose partners specifically for vulnerability reasons. Economically or socially-vulnerable spouses + thousands of miles away from their home countries or families = high dependency on the earning spouse (usually the man). They want subservient domestic escorts, not wives and partners.
We just moved to our current location a few months ago, before that we lived close to family
I don't think it's a coincidence that he decided to abuse and rape you now that you're isolated and not before when you had support. He's banking on the initial shock and then the fear of the unknown (as well as the effort of disentangling) to keep you from leaving. He is dangerous and calculating. Please do not confront him. Get your ducks in order, get your passport and legal documents, valuable YOU own (not joint property) and sentimental items and LEAVE. Edit: also get the morning after pill (if available to you) and get STD testing. It leaving right now is not a possibility, then I would also suggest getting on a form of birth control he can't tamper with. Reproductive coercion is unfortunately a common tactic in the abusers tootlkit
All part of his plan. OP, I hope you can escape safely. He committed violence against you once already. He will do it again in one form or another.
And in between the violence he will gaslight the shit out of you
Absolutely not a coincidence. This was part of a long-term plan.
Definitely not a coincidence. This made my stomach churn. He's isolating her and going to escalate the abuse.
I don't know where in the world you are and what resources are available, how their police respond to sexual assault, etc. If you feel comfortable sharing the country you are in, maybe a redditor with knowledge of that country can help you navigate the resources available.
Your priorities right now need to be about physical safety, short term and long term.
Do not get trapped with this man's baby. Seek plan B. If it's not readily available where you are, maybe r/auntienetwork would know how to get you some. Ask for it at the hospital. Please go to a hospital and get this documented.
Do not trust him. If you can leave now, leave now. If you have to stay with him while putting together your plan to leave, do not be fooled. He will try to downplay this. He will try to convince you he's "sorry", he "just got carried away", he "didn't hear you." Don't confront him, don't argue with him, DONT BELIEVE HIM. Avoid sex with him. Get an iud. Don't fall for his excuses and lies. He hurt you very badly and he will do it again, this is who he is. He's already done something awful you never thought he would do. You need to assume hes capable of anything now. Find a safe way to document everything he does to you while you are getting ready to leave.
Plan, plan, plan. How much money do you need to leave? Do you have access to it? Can family send you some? Do you have a bank account he can't access? Can you get one? Can you leave the country, go back home? Will friends/ family back home give you a place to stay? Is there a shelter you can go to? Is there a hotel you can go to? Pay for everything in cash when you can, he can look up cc statements to see what hotel you are at, etc.
This is not your fault. I'm sorry.
Edit: secure your important documents NOW! Passport, ID, anything you need to leave the country/ prove citizenship back home. Get them and keep them someplace he won't find. If you are able to leave take them with you.
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I just called my mom, crying, and told her what happened and if she could buy me a plane ticket to get to her.
Her response: "He's your husband dear, how can he rape you? Maybe there was some miscommunication and he got confused. You should be a good wife and not break up your home over some disagreements. I never understand why you young people do all this nasty stuff in the bedroom anyway".
So I guess that's clear, that door is closed and I can't go home. And I don't have much money of my own.
I’m so sorry she responded that way. I hope you know she’s entirely in the wrong, marital rape is rape, none of it is your fault, and you are in no way overreacting
You don't have to stay with him just because your mom is useless, go to a domestic violence center and they will help you get back on your feet.
Which state or country are you located in? We can find you support and friendship. I am horrified he did this to you.
Be very careful with your mother. I can see her calling him and “helping” him retrieve her. Don’t go there, don’t tell her where you are. If she is this clueless, she is dangerous to you.
I would go full mama bear on him. Like castrating with a butter knife mama bear.
Do not let your mother's archaic attitude make you think you have no other support or options. You do. This is not some little misunderstanding and she'll never understand.
I'm so sorry. Do you have any friends in your hometown who could help you? Do you have any local friends who may help? I know it's hard to ask and it'll be hard to explain why. You don't need to offer details. Just tell them your husband intentionally physically harmed you and you don't feel safe. In the meantime, contact a local domestic violence agency and see what resource you can access to get you out safely. The ER will likely be able to put you in contact with resources. Please take care. Good luck.
Also, if you have a credit card of your own, don't be afraid to use it to get out on the next available even if you know you won't be able to pay it off You can deal with debt later. Now your safety is top priority.
I'm so sorry. My heart just broke a little more. Your mum is in the wrong for this.
Don't listen to her! And he is going to use similar words to hers to pull the wool over your eyes.
Do not listen to him either. He was not confused. Or lost in the moment. You don't get confused for that long a time. Just doesn't happen. Or if indeed he lacks that much wherewithal, he's dangerous anyway. What if the next moment he gets confused or lost in is even more violent?
I found this via a quick Google. There will be help wherever you are. If by any chance you're in Berlin, or Germany just private message me.
https://wave-network.org/list-of-helplines-in-46-countries/
If you have to, look into women's shelters in your area. You need to get away from him. I'm sorry your mother is making excuses for him, that's really heartbreaking. If you have any friends of your own, reach out for help. Even if they can't house you, they may be able to store some of your things or help you get somewhere safe.
Oh OP, I’m so sorry that your mom isn’t supportive in your time of need. My heart breaks for you. Please get away from this monster by any means necessary. Have your doctor document the injuries. Get Plan B. Are you physically & financially able to remove yourself from the situation to a safe place? A hotel even? Just don’t use any credit cards that he has access to & can trace you with.
OP, a lot of times moms react this way bc they underwent marital sexual abuse or it was somehow normalized. Please do not rely on her perspective; it has been twisted.
Many lawyers will offer a free initial consult. You can usually book a meeting room at your local library so there's no chance of him overhearing you. With evidence of marital rape, you may be able to get additional access to joint assets earlier in the process.
Ask the lawyer if they have any particular recommendations for local women's shelters/assistance. You may not have to stay in the shelter for very long or at all because sometimes they can help people identify emergency housing options. You won't know until you call.
I am so, so sorry this man betrayed you to fulfill his own rapist fantasies.
This makes me so sad. What a useless (and incorrect) response from your mother.
It makes me think she probably suffers similar treatment and thinks it’s the norm.
Please contact a women’s shelter, they will believe and support you.
sorry for what happened to you, no one deserves it. I believe there is a subreddit called auntie network, try to look into these kind of groups, I hope they can help you get temporary shelter
Options to consider seeking help: a domestic violence shelter, friends, coworkers. Some might have a spare room.
Go to the doctor and have ask for an examination for sexual assault. Get plan B if you can.
He likely felt ok doing this because it sounds like you lack a support system where you are. This will only get worse if you stay.
Go to the hospital and get a rape kit, then call the cops. He didn’t listen to you then he won’t listen to you now after the fact. Fuck that rapist.
Classic abuser move. Isolate you so when he did this you'd be stuck. Gather the wives, tell them what happened, go to the police. Get your important paperwork and leave. Stuff is just stuff. Your safety is in danger. This man does not love you. That was a lie. This is the real him. Don't let him show you twice.
Hiya I don't know where you are but please look at women's refuges in your area. They will help you make a plan and get out.
If your husband asks for BDSM play again, refuse.
Just as a point, if you get someone who genuinely knows about BDSM, that genuinely practises BDSM, this wouldn't have happened. Your husband simply used it as an excuse to tie you up and rape you.
The woman's refuge may ask you if you want to report him and if you have the courage I hope you do so.
I am sending you lots of love and warm comfort, and many internet hugs.
He will probably say he got "confused about the rules." If he says this, he is lying.
Yes I totally agree. He will make any excuses he can find.
OP if you forgive him, and stay with him, you are telling him it's acceptable to be treated this way. It's not.
You need to get out of this situation for your own safety.
Women’s shelter, now. You are not safe.
If you need time to prep to leave please consider getting an IUD without his knowledge. Let the ob that places it know your situation so they can help make sure it’s undetectable.
Please plan and leave quietly. That’s the safest way.
The pretending northing happening is gaslighting.
Please go to a hospital and get a kit done. You only have a four day window. They will photograph any bruises.
I just stepped out of the hospital, got the rape kit done. Unfortunately, when they administered a pregnancy test, they found that I'm already pregnant. I don't know if he previously tampered with condoms or what, but I'm already pregnant. I don't know what to do now.
I’m not sure how you feel about abortion but I agree with the others in seeking one out. He absolutely baby trapped you & will use it as a form of control & further instill in you that you can’t leave him.
Has he attempted to reach out to you at all? Does he suspect anything at this point?
You'll be okay.
You need to get cash, get the belongings you absolutely need, and get to a safe place. Block him, turn off your location.
Once you are somewhere safe you can start making a plan. The safe place can be a hotel, women's shelter, friend's house. Go.
What city are you in?
Three weeks is very very early. They count from the first day of your last period — so it is more like one week since conception. We are talking about a dot 1/100th of an inch that might not even be implanted in your uterus yet.
The mask slipped and he showed you who he really is. Raising kids with this man will be literal actual torture. Please don’t have a baby with this person.
I’m surprised the hospital didn’t offer you anything to terminate your pregnancy, esp since you just went in for a rape kit. If you are just barely pregnant, you still have time in most US states to get a medical/pill termination - typically till 6 weeks. If your state has a ban, contact the r/auntienetwork. They’ll help. Or aidaccess.com
Depending on where she is this really isn’t surprising in the slightest, unfortunately.
Yeah, where I live they'd probably tell you congratulations after doing the rape kit and the pregnancy test.
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This needs to be the top comment. OPs post history is more than just sus.
How did they test for pregnancy? Sometimes the dates of conception are not very accurate, especially very early in a pregnancy.
Yes, please try to go on autopilot enough to get this step done. It's just one step, you don't need to talk to the police or figure out what you're going to do. Just go and get the kit done and then worry about everything else later.
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Oh my god I somehow missed this. He did this horrible thing, ignored your cries, then when he was done with it all he left you there to wallow in your fear.
Those were the darkest 15mins of my life
I am so sorry
I am so very sorry. Please consider an abortion. You matter so much, and moving quickly matters for your future.
Sending love and healing vibes. And lots of hugs.
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Go and get Plan B to prevent a pregnancy immediately. I know you are reeling from the fact your husband has raped you but you need to take steps to prevent a pregnancy and quickly. The sooner you take Plan B the more effective it is.
I am so so sorry and I hope you find the strength to leave this awful person.
Absolutely this. The last thing she needs is a baby with this man.
I commented this also cause I had to scroll so far to see this, please please take plan B. Upvoting so hopefully she sees it.
That’s all I could think, she needs a plan b because the abuse gets worse after pregnancy. The very first time he ties her up, he rapes her. I don’t want to think about what he will do when she is pregnant and vulnerable
You appear to be quite socially isolated (no friends you can trust, no family close). Your husband knows this and will take advantage of it. So even if your family is across the world, please reach out to someone you can trust to either leave this place or have them come pick you up. If I were your family, I guarantee you distance wouldn't matter and I would want to be by your side.
Please also get a rape kit done and document it. Start lawyering up, make sure you have a separate bank account he cannot access etc. and make quiet plans to leave him.
He will try to gaslight you, dismiss you, control you, fake-apologize and cry or whatever to keep you but you need to leave.
I don’t know if you saw OP’s comment, but they attempted to contact their mother and she dismissed the worries as a miscommunication and doesn’t see marital rape as rape, so unfortunately OP is more limited.
You need a divorce lawyer.
And also go to the police. Right now. This was rape.
This was marital rape and has nothing to do with BDSM. I’m so sorry this happened to you, you deserve better from the one person you’re supposed to trust in this life.
OP- I’m in Oslo, Norway. If this is your part of the world, I would be happy to escort you to the doctor, a shelter, anywhere you can get away and get help. You are not alone in this. Look how many others in this thread that are here for you. We got you.
USA, Ohio. I second this! I have 4 days off a week and am willing to travel a few hours if necessary. You're not alone OP.
US, west coast. If you need anything (and yes I include money), send me a message.
Marseille, South of France. Same.
US, Colorado if near here. What a monster
Canada, Southern Ontario. Also willing to help however I can.
My brain tells me it was rape but my heart can't seem to accept that the person I know and love so much did this, I'm still just trying to process everything, it doesn't make sense.
I hate to say this but the person you love is not the person you thought they are.
Yeah if someone can switch like that, they’re hiding something. No question.
I've been where you are. My ex husband did the same thing to me... and I stayed for a while after it started because I couldn't face the fact that it was rape. I even tried to talk to him about it and he dismissed my feelings and made me feel like I was in the wrong. It never got better, only worse.
I hope you can get yourself somewhere safe.
The person you know you never knew. They never existed. They were fake, they were a lie. They'd planned on raping. You are not alone. Do not let him get you pregnant either.
This is the awful truth and needs highlighting.
The person YOU love does not love you, or he would not have done this. That's what you need to tell yourself. Take a moment and pretend this happened to someone else: she let her husband tie her up during sex, she tried to tell him she was hurting and he ignored her, she tried to tell him to stop and he covered her mouth and kept going, he ignored her tears and finished and left her on the bed tied up and crying while he left the room. Does any of this sound like the actions of a man who loves a woman?
Your own feelings, all of them, are valid, but just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to stay with them.
He’s not into BDSM, he’s into rape
If he were into BDSM he would prioritize your safety and aftercare
If he were your loving husband, your pain and tears would stop and concern him
He enjoyed it
He likes traumatizing you, if you follow his lead and let him get away with it, things will get worse
You’re isolated, he pushed past all your boundaries and if you accept this abuse it signals your weakness, your dependence, and his freedom to do as he pleases without fearing your retaliation
This is only the first test of how broken and agreeable you are. Besides the most obviously vulnerable / easy to victimize women, men will usually wait until a certain level of buy-in before they try these behaviours.
It may be love, cohabitation, marriage, economic dependence, kids… it’s not always an intentional plot, but whenever the abuser starts to feel comfortable with their power in the dynamic - that’s when you’ll find your dehumanization into an object begins
Run, don’t walk, away from this man
This comment is extremely blunt, almost cruel, but it is the most correct take in this thread u/Reasonable-French
If he apologised, do not believe him
If he buys flowers do not believe him
If he takes takes you to your favourite restaurant do not believe him
Make a plan to leave now and follow it asap without telling him anything
This is not the typical Reddit overreaction, this is not r/relationshipadvice telling people to divorce over which way round the toilet roll hangs
You described a rape, a deliberate and unfeeling act of abuse
Do not give him an opportunity to do it again
This is absolutely true. All that time being sweet, loving and tender was to soften the target, otherwise she never would have gone along with it. How despicable.
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how difficult that is to experience. Sometimes hearts and heads don’t always sync up as quickly- add shock onto it and it’ll take some effort and time to process. You are brave for reaching out to this community to get perspective. We’re here for you even if we’re strangers.
Now that he's done this once, do you think he'll stop wanting this? Because I don't think so, especially given that he left you tied up so long, didn't comfort you in your distress, and pretended it hadn't happened this morning. You need to get somewhere safe. Is Plan B available where you are, getting pregnant right now would make this whole situation worse.
Please also grab a morning after pill. I’m so so sorry this has happened to you, this is awful and it’s understandable you are not thinking straight, but this is one point that could be really important to make sure he can’t trap you.
He doesn't love you. He moved you away from your safety net to do this to you. This is the real him, the nice version was a lie.
Read your story again, like a friend was telling it to you. What would you advise them to do?
This happened to me, too. I gave it a few months, and my brain tried to forgive him, but my body just couldn’t. He didn’t feel like my safe space anymore, so I left.
I’m so sorry. I know it hurts to have your trust betrayed like that. (Hugs)
Safe words are literally the most important aspect to role play. If you can't trust your partner with that, how can you trust them with anything?
Safe words are literally the difference between BDSM/role play and assault/rape.
And it doesn't sound like you negotiated consensual non-consent at any point, so he should have stopped when you said no, and stop anyway!
I'm really sorry he did this to you, OP. I'm really sorry that it's so clear that he knew you wanted him to stop, and he just didn't give a shit about your consent.
I really hope you can make a plan to leave.
"If I were sorry for my actions, would I ever stoop so low?" Is a line from a song, but if and when he apologises for raping you, I urge you to remain sceptical. He knew what he was doing was every kind of fucked up and wrong, and he did it anyway.
The BDSM part was just a convenient way for him to get her into the vulnerable position he needed. Dude never cared about anything about it except how he could use it to his ‘advantage’.
even if there was concentual nonconcent... once the word is used that's it. it's over
Absolutely, safe words are sacred. But, outside of consensual non-consent, "No" and "stop" mean exactly that.
Really, "no," "stop," "untie me," etc. are the original safewords. The only time you need a word like "pineapple" or "red" or any other word like that, is if you've negotiated in advance with your partner that you WANT to be able to say things like "no" or "stop," but have your partner continue anyway.
OP, I am so sorry for what he did to you, and fully enraged on your behalf.
He raped you. He’s disgusting.
He didn't "have sex" with you. He raped you. You need to make plans to leave and get to safety. Your life depends on it.
I'm so sorry. This wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this.
But please get safe.
This was rape. Please at least go to a doctor and get the physical damage documented. You should also go to the police but they aren’t reliable so only do what you’re comfortable. Also, try to get him to admit what he did in writing. Text would work. Just document as much as you can and Dow why you need to take care of yourself because he showed his true face and he doesn’t love or respect you.
It sounds like he is also trying to babytrap you. Omg this is so wrong your whole story gave me the chills. Im sorry this happened to you.
That is absolutely what he is doing and probably why he left her tied up while he casually cleaned himself up. I hope she can get Plan B today.
Oh God you're right. What a sack of shit
this is how abuse starts. First the abuser gets you isolated from friends and family and then the abuse starts. You need to get out now. You may find r/abusiverelationships to be helpful.
I hate to sound like I'm jumping on the bandwagon here, but if someone ignores your safeword, then you have every right to fight back with everything you've got. He knew that you would be in a confused state and took advantage. Listen to your gut...there were reasons you hesitated to engage in this activity previously. Keep listening to your gut, it's not wrong.
He raped you. He knows he raped you. He doesn’t feel bad about it. He tied you up and put a hand over your mouth. He has raped other women before, I promise you.
Go to the hospital then call the police. This may seem extreme because he is your husband and this will blow up your life. But he already blew up your life when he raped you and he will rape you again and again if you stay with him. Be safe. Be smart. Protect yourself. Do not confront him, do not tell him what you are doing.
First of all, I am sorry you had to go through that.. Second, that was rape...
Men use financial abuse to do the other things. He’s put you into this vulnerable situation in order to manipulate you.
He acted so nice in order to secure your trust. It’s called lovebombing. It’s very effective.
This book is useful: Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.
This is the entire book for free: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I have also found the Little Shaman podcast to be helpful in understanding the personality of an abuser.
Abusers keep you confused.
He raped you. I’m so sorry. For me this would be a relationship ender, then and there.
If he acts like nothing happened, and you are set to leave him, my advice is don’t address it and get things in order to leave. Get all your important documents and sentimental items somewhere safe, and ghost him. I would honestly suggest telling friends and family he did something violating and unforgivable and leave it at that, most people will be able to connect the dots without prying
I’m sorry you went thru that OP. Keep yourself safe.
I was with my husband for 6 years, and it took 4 years before I started even getting a glimpse of the real person he was.
you can know someone for a long time and not truly know them, okay? he raped you, and that somehow feels like an understatement to say bc of how terribly violated you were.
I'm so sorry, but you have to leave him.
I'm so sorry. What happened yo you should never happen to anyone. He raped you and he knows it. You need to get away from this man ASAP. Can you go to the police? Or at least a doctor to get plan b and a rape kit done? I'm so sorry.
[This turned out pretty long, so my TL;DR here is:
See EDIT below for further explanation]
I'm going to say this bluntly, this was rape and it was planned ahead of time.
When you said you needed lube, he should have given you lube. When you said the word, he should have stopped. When you began to show clear distress and fear, he did not care and sought to silence you. You had said you were not okay with him finishing inside you, he did it anyways against your wishes. The biggest point of BDSM is to be safe, sane, and consensual, and he did none of these things. He didn't want to try BDSM with you, he just wanted to tie you up so he could do the things he wanted to that he knew you wouldn't be okay with. He wanted that power and control with no respect or care involved, and he used BDSM as a pretext to get you there.
He will probably not acknowledge that this act was rape, and that it was an act of violence against you, or he may make up an excuse (lost in the moment, confused/mixed signals/thought you enjoyed it, husbands can't rape wives/vice versa, you deserve it for XYZ reason, etc). This is all bullshit. You very clearly were suffering, and he very clearly is the individual who instigated it. There is no good reason to bring such soul shattering pain to those you're meant to love and cherish.
Your husband has raped you, and I'm so horribly sorry this happened. Please continue talking with folks on here and professionals who can help you navigate this kind of trauma. I hope you're given the outpouring of love and support through this that you deserve, both online and IRL.
ETA: Seconding all the other comments!!!
If nothing else, while you start to navigate this malestrom there are 3 big things to be sure you fight through the fog to get done above all else right now. I'm gonna call them P.A.F.
Protect, Alert, Flee
[P]rotect yourself from pregnancy (test, plan B, contraceptives; be sure you know where they are and that they aren't tampered with)
[A]lert medical professionals (rape kit, photos of bodily harm, document the event and your experience, etc. Police can wait.)
[F]lee the source of violence, taking important documents with you (birth certificate, passport, ID, title of your vehicle, medical info, bank info, etc.)
Do so swiftly and covertly. Contact DV and women's shelters in your area even if you don't think they can help you. When you go looking for the helpers, you'd be surprised at what they can come up with.
Once these things are taken care of, log out of any and all accounts (email, social media, bank, etc) that your husband may or may not have access to. Be very mindful of where your car keys are. He does not need access to your phone/laptop/computer/vehicle now.
I hate to put it this way, but when someone chooses to harm you like this, you must no longer assume they have respect for your well being and life. If some random were to attack me in the street I would assume I'm fighting for my life and trust nothing out of their mouth; this situation is no different. You must assume that someone capable of this kind of violence towards you would also have no moral qualms with trying to silence or punish you for fleeing them and seeking help, and this is why it's not safe for you to stay there.
When someone you thought you knew well shows you they're capable of something truly heinous, please please get away. There is no number of "I'm sorry"s, date nights, or crocodile tears that can make up for this.
That was rape and I am so so sorry.
Tell your family. Find domestic abuse shelter help. Women who are strangers to you will help you get out of there- especially if you are in the US. Get angry. 😡 You are a victim of a heinous crime. Be sad and mourn the marriage and man you thought you had later.
edit: punctuation
I don’t have any advice. I just want to give you a hug 🫂
Thank you, I could really use one!
People we love make mistakes, and they can make BIG mistakes. But rape is not even in the same zip code as a mistake. He wasn't misguided. He wasn't oblivious. This was an intentional violation and abuse against your body and mind.
I hope he can never again convince you to be bound so that you can't protect yourself. You now know he can't be trusted. He showed you his teeth, he showed you he sees you as prey and that he's a serious danger to the well-being of your body and mind.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's devastating.
You've been raped. I just felt sick reading this
First off- I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard this must be to process.
I strongly encourage you to go the hospital. You don't need to press charges necessarily, but you need to document that this happened. If he says anything in written communication about it, screenshot it and save it. Get Plan B while you're there. You need to do this today. I know it's going to be hard, but unfortunately it is time sensitive.
Then you need to go file for divorce. I know you don't want to believe he would do this again, but I would gently point out that you didn't think he would do it the first time either. Contact a womens shelter about resources. I know it's going to be hard to do without a support network, but the alternative is staying with a man who raped you, and it seems very much like he planned to do so. You are not safe with this man.
Take care of yourself. You deserve it.
As others have said, you are in immediate physical danger. Be careful as you plan your escape
TAKE PLAN B, I haven't seen this commented yet but please take plan B!!!!!!!!
Your husband is a rapist. What happened to you was rape. Please get away from him as fast as you can. None of this is OK.
This is rape
As much as you may feel like you want to talk to him about this
Dont
Most men never want to believe they've raped someone even if the rape was violent and deliberate. He will try to gaslight you and make you feel like what he did was consensual and make you feel like a perpetrator for suggesting it. Please don't try to talk about this with him.
Your husband knowingly raped you. You’re not safe sexually with him
Go get emergency birth control, right now.
As a kinky person who was in bdsm relationships in the past, this is not consensual bdsm, this was rape.
Something else worth noting, as this was a fake attempt to bdsm, is that usually after a scene the first thing the dominant part does is taking care of the submissive part. It's called aftercare. You talk to the bottom, make sure they are good, cuddle and console them if needed, make sure they are back to a normal power dynamic and sound state of mind before doing anything else. From what you say, your husband clearly didn't care.
I agree with what others are telling you.
Please go to the ER and get your injuries and soreness documented, try to get after day pill and really, really sit and think hard if you want to spend a single day more with this monster. He took advantage of your openness to try something new to use you and satisfy a fantasy of his, with complete disregard for your pleasure, your wellbeing, and your pain. It doesn't matter what he has been before yesterday. He showed you his real face, please believe him.
My last bdsm relationship was absolutely unhealthy, my ex was a douche, but when doing kinky stuff he never once ignored me when using the safeword, and always made sure that I was okay before, during and after.
I urge everyone to check out OPs history before getting roped into this conversation.
https://search.pullpush.io/?kind=submission&author=Reasonable-French&size=100