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Totally relate to this. I am an only child, never babysat, no young cousins etc. I have literally no idea how I'd do with a baby. But I'm pushing ahead.

You’ve always said you wanted kids, you have a loving relationship, just go for it. If it doesn’t work out at least you can know that you gave it all you had. 

Yes, there are hard moments with parenthood. There are also hard moments with having a job, maintaining a healthy relationship, staying in shape, maintaining relationships with family and friends, achieving a hobby-related goal, or doing anything else meaningful. Being a parent is the greatest joy of my life and I wouldn’t trade it for a million trips or fancy dinners. 

Love this post, I am unsure if I want kids, I’ve never felt compelled and I’m only trying now (at 35) since my window of opportunity is closing. Part of me thinks it could be great to have a child, and part of me finds relief in the idea of a child free life.

I know many women on this sub are longing to have children - and many of my friends are too - so I want to be sensitive to that. But for me, if we do great and if we don’t that’s also great.

My “not 100% sure” is almost 2. I love him in a way I never knew possible. Would I be fine if we never had decided to go for it? Yep. You can have mixed feelings over ANYTHING in life. You are human.

This is very relatable. I do not want an infant, I am petrified. I love me time. But I want a family. I want to attend my children’s weddings. I just am dreading the infant / baby stage 🥲

Your post reminded me of this beautiful article by Cheryl Strayed. I love her metaphor about ghost ships and the paths taken or not taken. 

 https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

And for what it’s worth, I don’t believe the “if you’re not 100% yes, you’re a no.” Even as someone who’s always wanted to be a mom, I still feel totally nervous about such a big life change. 

I don’t have children yet, but have been trying to conceive for almost a year. I can’t speak to how you will feel once you have kids, but I’m just here to say you’re not alone. I think the fear of the unknown is scary, and it’s completely normal in my mind to have conflicting emotions. It’s a huge life change. Everyone I’ve talked to always tells me you’ll never feel ready, and no time will ever feel like the “perfect” time. I find that to be true, because I could always think of a reason to push it off. But I know that I have always wanted my own family and I know that I would regret not having children later down the line. I don’t necessarily think you have to be a 100% yes, maybe just 75% lol. It’s normal to have doubts. Hang in there!

I can't imagine ever feeling 100%. That sounds delusional to me. No one can ever be fully ready to be a parent and there is no 'perfect' time.

I can't say what's best you or how stable your situation is going into this but ultimately I wouldn't use 100% as your goal.

TW: Living child

I felt exactly like this when TTC. It took us about 18 months and I was doing everything, supplements, ovulation testing, pregnancy testing etc even though I really wasn't sure. I was never particularly upset with all the negatives, it was more a frustration rather than feeling bereft. We were also very close to starting an IVF journey. When the positive finally came it was pretty scary and I never had any particular feelings of joy, a bit excited but also very nervous! Im not particularly good with kids though I have niblings and love them, I was worried I wouldn't be that good a mother. What people don't tell you is that it's way harder to look after other people's children than your own (at least in my experience). Your child comes out knowing who you are (if you have carried it - it will recognize you and your partner (if they have been around for the pregnancy)) almost immediately. This is kind of a weird super power that I never considered. Also, you make the rules so certainly in our case we worked on the baby fitting into our lives. He's only 9 months but he comes most places with us, is easy(ish) to have around and so far no regrets which I'm a bit surprised by! The first few months are hard as you adjust to your body and life changing but gradually it gets easier. In saying that, I'm sure I could have had a very happy life without children but in many ways our baby has enriched our lives more than I expected.

I think this is a very natural feeling and perspective. It’s a huge decision and most people don’t have this much time to think about it and potentially back out because they get pregnant quickly. We are three years into TTC and IVF etc and I find myself swaying toward imagining life without kids as a protection mechanism of what are the positive things that will come from recognizing this whole process does not work out for everyone. I’m well aware not everyone who enters IVF leaves with a baby in their hands so while I imagine the joy that will come with having a live birth after all the hurt and pain and loss of pregnancies and loss of self that has come on this long journey I want to also know things will be better than okay for both me and my husband and joyful if the other reality comes. I also have a lot of kids in my immediate family and seeing their struggles magnifies the fact that you are in a place of choosing to stop TTC if you wish. I know we’re in a bit different shoes of where at in this journey but just saying I think it is natural when floating down a river of unknown to have feelings about what two different outcomes may be. Best of luck to you in this process 🙏 

Your feelings are totally valid. I have a toddler but we’re starting trying for our second and I question it all the time. I’m also getting worried about my biological clock and I’d prefer having my kids similar in age. But there are so many other factors that make me hesitant. It must be nice to be 100% sure.

I’m in the same boat, although my husband and I have mostly decided that we will stop short of IVF. I am scared of being pregnant and caring for a baby, but pushing ahead and looking forward to the day when he or she can speak in full sentences haha.

Couldn’t have related to a post more! I’ve always wanted a baby but the fear mongering from others (you’ll never have time for yourself, you’ll lose your old self, etc.) has put a fear in me that I cannot shake. I’ve come to the realization though that everyone’s experience is different and it’ll be what we make it out to be. We’re taking a leap of faith and have started our TTC journey as I’m in my mid-30s and it’s now or never. Long winded response to say what you’re feeling is totally normal!!!

I’ve had 3 miscarriages, starting IVF and have cried more times than I can remember about the thought of not being a mother. But every time I’ve gotten pregnant I have moments of “oh shit…” and panic about how my life will change. I love my dogs, I love to go out to dinner, I love to watch TV. I know it will all change and I’m scared. But I think both the longing and the fear can exist at the same time. I don’t know what it means. But I know you’re not alone

I think the best thing to ask yourself is how you will feel 30 years from now. Yes, having a kid is extremely hard even harder if you don’t have much support. However, time will pass and so will the hard times. When you picture 30 years from now, will you regret not having children?

I don’t believe that anyone is ever 100% ready, honestly.

I think people who are 100% sure are lying. Try to trust your gut.

I think this might be a good thing to work through in therapy. It sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to both have, and want, kids. I really recommend sitting down with a therapist to seek some insight into this process.

It’s normal to be afraid of pregnancy and parenthood, those are very important jobs that require enormous amounts of responsibility and often sacrifice. It’s also normal to compare yourself to your peers, and wonder if maybe parenthood isn’t for you.

A really simple activity you can try is both you and your husband sit down and write a pros/cons list of becoming parents. Compare your lists and try to find underlying themes: What do you want to get out of parenthood? Where does the desire for parenthood come from? What do you want your family to look like, 5, 15, and 25 years from now? What expectations are you holding about being parents, and are these expectations facts or fears?

TW: mention of LC

This is a natural feeling. When we were TTC our first, I cried every month with each negative test— but when I finally got my positive, I freaked out wondering if I was really ready and if I really wanted this. Then when TTC #2, the same thing happened— once I was pregnant, I started freaking out about the change and whether I really wanted another child. That pregnancy ended in a MMC, and now I’m desperate to be pregnant again; but I know, once again, that when that positive test comes (hopefully), it will bring with it all of the same emotions of doubt. It’s a normal human reaction to change.

As far as being a parent, you’ll find a lot of your friends sharing the negatives of being a parent because it’s something that everyone— parent or not— can relate to. Everyone knows how it feels to be exhausted, everyone knows how it feels to be stretched thin, etc. I could not explain in any logical words the absolute joy my son brings me to anyone who doesn’t have a child. It’s unexplainable. And yes, there are days that are really hard. Like, really really hard. But the joy so far outweighs the hardness.

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I am in the very same boat! Most of my friends don’t have children and those who do have basically fallen off the face of the planet socially towards me anyway (I assume they’re making time for / prioritizing time with friends who have kids so their children have built in play dates - but unless I really push, i never see them). Anyway, I also went into TTC - over 2 years ago now - with a lot of fear about everything, and two years in, I still feel a lot of fear. I’m 38F and we are doing IVF next month. I think fear and uncertainty within reason is a result of not being naive and being aware of the risks and inevitable changes to one’s life when becoming a parent. I disagree with the whole “if you’re not a hell yes, you’re a no” notion. With something like this you have to dive in without knowing the ultimate outcomes and have faith that it will all work out. Good luck!

I don’t believe anyone is really 100% if they are honest with themselves. But don’t let it hold you back. There’s a risk to having a baby and there’s a risk to not having a baby, as well.

I know exactly what you mean. Thank you for posting this. Even though I'm obsessed with tracking and desperate to get pregnant, every now and again for a few seconds I suddenly think "shit, what if I get pregnant!!"

My husband and I started trying earlier this year with the understanding that if we get pregnant naturally that’s great but if we don’t we wouldn’t go out of our way to make it happen. We suffered a missed miscarriage back in August and that’s made me want to be a mom more than before but still not enough that we would go out of our way to do IVF or anything like that. Having said that, I’ve lived most of my life saying I didn’t want kids

No, you’re spot on. The “if you’re not 100% yes you’re a no” has always bothered me. We were in the same boat. I think we would have been happy and content without a child. We had one, and it’s everything everyone says it is. Don’t worry about the 100% thing. But look, you also only can control so much. You’ll find happiness and peace either way if you look for it.

It sounds like you are having reasonable concerns about a major life decision, tbh. I appreciate you posting something so vulnerable because, as you can see, you are not alone.

My husband and I are very excited to have children. HOWEVER over the last year I have become increasingly worried that maybe it’s a bad idea. My friends with kids act like it’s the worst thing that has ever happened to them (“but I love my child so much” they say after spending hours telling me how hard being a parent is and how much they miss their old lives), the world is burning down around us, and this economy is just… it’s a lot. Everything is a lot. Every day I wish we had had kids sooner so I wouldn’t have to feel this reticence.

When I start to feel this way, however, I imagine a life where we didn’t have kids and it hurts in ways I can’t stomach. It makes me feel sick immediately. People have been having families through thick and thin for all of humanity, and I would never forgive myself for giving in to the anxiety of the unknown when every branch of the family tree before me didn’t. It’s going to be extremely difficult, but I have to hold out faith that it will be worth it.

Imo, you need to imagine both paths that your life could take and go with your gut. Maybe it’s not for you and that is okay! But if it is something you need to do, it’s okay to do it scared. You are certainly in good company for either road.

TTC is so scary in every direction. Every month I test negative and say "great! I can keep having sex and eating outside without nausea!". Maybe we'll have a baby, financial issues and divorce. We don't know. My next job may kill me. Next time I get in my car might be the last. Maybe we're childfree, travelling for pleasure without worries, and the plane will crash. Life is always uncertain. We're going for IVF in 2026. That's our decision, how we take control. We'll figure the rest out, as we've always had.

Having a baby is hard. That’s why you see your friends struggling, it’s so freaking hard. But also? So amazing. During the newborn stage I vividly remember sobbing in the middle of the night telling my partner “why have we done??” And feeling like I ruined everything. Even now we only have 1-2 hours a night to watch tv, clean the house, and relax. But all those other worries I had during those trenches? Not really a big deal. We have a good community which helps, but we still go out. Go to movies and restaurants and parties. It just looks different now. We also get to go to the park, zoo, aquariums, and other fun places that are less common without kids

I feel also feel like I kind of have the opposite opinion- if you aren’t actively preventing pregnancy then you are trying / accepting the possibility of children

Prenatal testing did a lot to help reassure me about medical concerns but the worry really doesn’t go away even after having a baby.

I long for kids and for us to have a family… but also, sometimes a part of me hits when we’re at the airport and I see a mom wrangling three small crying kids, and I feel totally freaked out and incompetent to do her job. I’ve actually had to lean on the reasons why I don’t want kids lately in order to cope with how we are trying and it’s not working. Definitely not a black and white thing.

I was never 100% yes and was scared of the idea/the unknown.

Yes, it’s hard. But I LOVE being a mom. My life has changed, but in the best way possible. I don’t remember my life before her. I didn’t know much about being a mom/taking care of a baby but you just learn along the way.

Change is scary in all aspects of life but I’m so happy I just let go of it and went for it

I always wanted kids and felt all these things and had the same thoughts and doubts as well during the TTC process. My daughter is almost 5 months now and this is all I ever wanted. Sure it can be a little tough but it’s all very much worth it. To me it doesn’t sound like your doubts are the kind that mean you shouldn’t have kids, I think these are just pretty normal thoughts before making a huge life altering commitment. I think it just means you’re not taking it lightly.

You don't struggle because parenthood is hard. You struggle if you built your life up so much that you can't pay the rent anymore when you stop working for three years.

I found it a lot easier to parent three kids in my early twenties than one more in my early forties. The more you have (income, hobbies, friends, etc), the more you have to let go of when you become a parent. A lot of people don't want to give all of that up and take on a whole new identity when they've spent decades carving out the one they're already living in.

What's also sad is that often people who spend a long time TTC end up having these huge expectations of what raising a child is like and they build it up in their heads, and then struggle when the reality is nothing like they imagined.

I promise you though, the way you transform after having a child is wild if you just met it happen. You'll never miss late nights out. You'll just be having those late nights out with your new mum friends and your little ones. You'll be drinking wine on someone's patio instead of overpriced sugary cocktails in gaudy clubs where it's too loud to have a conversation.

Personally I think if you are second guessing yourself becoming a parent, you’re being incredibly self-aware and responsible. Ultimately the question can only be answered by you, but just the fact that you’re recognizing that it can be scary is healthy. Plenty of people rush into parenting and don’t ever consider that they may not be equipped to be a parent.

I was thinking about this recently, regarding how hard it looks / how much parents struggle. But I realized people seem overwhelmed and drowning around the years 2-6, then fairly fine and having a good time from 7-12ish, and then teen years very different (some still easy time, some hard time), and most people I know have good relationships with their kids in adulthood and are happy they had them and those that have grandkids are super happy about them too.

Now on an individual level everyone has a different experience of course and you never know what yours will be, but I do think we sometimes get the wrong impression (positive OR negative) depending on the age the kids are in our family and friend circles. All that to say - I 100% relate to feeling a bit intimated by how hard it could be and fearing having less time/freedom, but from looking around it seems worth it to parents, and I think to me personally it'd be worth it too

I am in a very similar boat. I’ve just turned 36 and have been trying for about 6 months, I’ve tracked a few months with Inito, and we have our first appointment with the RE next week. I lean toward really wanting kids but know we would be quite happy if we remained DINKs. Some people are filled with heartache each month that they don’t see that positive pregnancy test, but that’s just not me—like you, I’ve seen how hard kids are, especially on the mom, and all of the unknowns of parenthood are truly terrifying.

Due to financial reasons, I didn’t even think IVF would be an option for us, but my parents gave me a very generous amount of money for Christmas, so I may end up reconsidering if the RE tells us that’s our best option. Time will tell!

I am in this boat as well. I’m going to be 38 in a couple weeks so my time is running out. I tried a round of IVF but it hasn’t worked out. I really do want a baby but it scares me because I think having one will keep me trapped in a place I don’t like. I currently live in a city that I really don’t like because my husband’s family is from here and we would have a lot of support if we had a child. I just hate living here through the long winters and desperately want to move. In my ideal world, I have a baby next year, stay in this city during the early days when we need a lot of help and move away once the kid is a bit older. The problem is my husband’s refuses to move now, I highly doubt he would move if we had a child. If I got accidentally pregnant I would be thrilled but I don’t know if I want to do another round of IVF.

Stop listening to other people’s advice (they’re just projecting their own experiences).

Forge your own path.

Parenthood isn’t for the faint hearted, newborn stage is insane. You will sleep an hour or two for 3-4 months if you’re lucky. You might have a Velcro baby that can never be put down or you might not. You might have a baby with severe reflux issues or you might not.. you might have a baby that cries all evening and nothing will work, or not. but these are all very real, hard early right after birth challenges. And it will suck the life out of you, it’s a rite of passage, motherhood. So if you’re not sure you want to deal with that, don’t do it. Yes friends will say it’s hard and they struggle but they probably love their kids and the rewarding parts over take the struggles when you really want kids! It’s also ok to change your mind and not want them!!

Me too, I get it, still wanna. What Im hearing now when people say that: "I wanted it 100% and it's still too much". It will be hard anyway. Ambivalence is natural with such a big topic.

Just wanted to comment in solidarity, feeling this so heavily! I’m having this really intense, biological, almost cellular longing for a child, and we’ve been trying on and off. On the months we try I want it so bad and get so bummed when the test is negative. And at the same time I feel wholly unprepared to be a parent. I feel like I need to work harder on myself before taking this leap. And there are still so many things I want to do in life that children would complicate. And I’m kinda selfish and love time alone to completely check out, which I’m sure will dwindle with a baby. It feels like such an impossible situation! 

I read once that if you have children, you will mourn the things you were able to do before having them. If you don’t have children, you will mourn their absence and ask yourself what life would have been like with them. Either way, the grass will be greener and questioning our decision making is natural.

In a similar boat, I’m 37 next month and we’ve been actively trying for 2 years. I’ve tried IUI, we’re now considering IVF but for the first year (I had a mmc very early in our ttc journey) a lot of things revolved around ttc and it felt overwhelming. After coming to terms with the loss, a lot of things got easier. For us, we would like a baby but I also do believe we will have a happy life without a baby, if that makes sense? Having a child would be a part of the journey not the end destination for us.

Sending you best wishes, you aren’t alone!

My gosh yes, I could’ve written this. You are not alone in these thoughts & feelings. Every time ovulation rolled around it felt like I was signing my life away. I don’t have a child yet so I can’t give you a verdict, but like you I’ve met a lot of women who really aren’t happy as mothers and don’t recommend it. I don’t know that I could’ve brought myself to go through the IVF route because of my uncertainty. Thankfully I didn’t have to make that decision. I have ultimately decided to jump off the cliff and hope for the best. My therapist told me something a psychiatrist said to her about parenthood, “All joy and no fun”. She said she feels that’s exactly true. She emphasizes doing things that bring meaning to your life even if they may not be easy. So here I am jumping in.

Side note to add- I think we’re the first generation of women who can finally question motherhood. For ages it was a default of womanhood. This is a hard thing but a good one.

So relatable. Part of me also wonders if my fear is protection against the fear of it never happening. But I’m also an over thinker and most days I’m like let’s just dive in and see

i’m not pregnant but IM YOU

Thanks for you post. I’m in a similar position! We won’t try IVF but I have noticed a level of slight disappointment with negative tests/period arriving. My plan is that if I reach a year and haven’t got pregnant, we accept we’re not parents.

I’ve started following various relevant subreddits and find it hard to relate to the pain some people go through in the TTC stage, but I am still confident I could love my child as much as the people more desperate to become parents - the difference is more how my personality relates to the challenge of making the biggest decision of my life.

I’m 35 and in the same boat. Dont fully know if I even want to be a mother, can’t really ven imagine it, but feel like i want to at least give it a go with ttc. Honestly I feel that no matter what happens - I get pregnant or not, I will be happy with the result. I wouldn’t even be sad if I didn’t get pregnant, probably happy that at least I tried and can live a happy childfree life knowing I gave it a go. 

You should be a little scared I think. Having a healthy, realistic uneasiness about how hard kids are is better than an idyllic view

I had my first child at 16 now ttc baby number 4 at nearly 28, this will be my last baby as 5 kids seems insane to me lol I know I know 4 kids is only one less then 5 but I personally don't think I'll regret going for number 4 cons and all because the good moments and the love definitely outweighs the cons provided you like and enjoy children to begin with but even then I know plenty of people who dislike other people's children but adore their own. That being said support is vital. I am my sisters main support network when it comes to her kids she has 5 but is 9 years older then me so her two oldest are closer to adults then kids so it's mainly just the younger 3 I watch and help with but without my help and her mams help/oldest daughters help she'd have struggled alot more so the more support you have the easier the transition to parent hood will be.

Omg I can relate to this.  My husband and I are ESL teachers (we taught in Vietnam, then Taiwan and now we moved back to Vietnam with better job) and our last two years have been very interesting teaching 3 year olds. It gave us a kind of perspective that made us super confused about whether to actually have children and while I was on the fence my husband went completely no.  Caring for other people’s children and watching them grow while we shape their minds for 8 hours a day for 2 years has been so rewarding. As we worked in the same school I was amazed by how great my husband is with kids and it made me really want to have a child with him. We have talked about it so much and my husband and I are like okay we can maybe try. However, since we came back to Vietnam, life has been very fun with late night outs, clubbing, traveling and enjoying life that now I am scared if I should risk having all that gone once we bring a child in our life. I guess being scared wouldn’t do us any favors and I have sort of moved to NTNP mode.  I have told myself that we can go on about our lives and if it happens we would do it and if it doesn’t then we can also just live the life we have. I think about all those people who want kids but can’t have them, who get pregnant unintentionally and do a great job anyways so I also think that in case of wanting/having kids, we can never be a 100% sure what’s in the cards for us. We can only hope for the best that’s meant for us.

When I say we loosely TTC, it was more or less because my husband was overthinking and wanted to 100% be ready before we got pregnant, and I was of the opinion that I silently wanted a child so much, but if it didn't end up happening for us it wasn't meant to be. IVF was never a consideration. We simply just had fun with one another, didn't really track anything, just wanted to take the stress off of things and see if it worked.

I did start to get a bit emotional, simply because by the time my husband finally got on board with having kids, I had recently been referred to an endocrinologist who, between my OB and her, told me that I would very likely struggle to have children. And because my husband was newly on the let's try train, I remember the last time I got my period before getting pregnant, he did the whole "whoohoo not pregnant" self-high-five. Two days later he also was thinking about a trip we had talked about going on the following year and said, "I think we should wait."

Turns out that period I thought I was on suddenly stopped, which I thought was very strange, so I took another test and approximately nine months later we had our first son.

Same thing happened when I got pregnant with our second. All he had to say was, "I think we should wait," and bam, the next morning positive test.

We're 37, and our boys are 3yrs apart. I don't plan on any more, and got a salpingectomy after this second one. We absolutely love these two boys, but it definitely surprised all of our family and friends when we got pregnant both times. They all thought we were going to be child-free with dogs, when in truth we were simply almost childless.

Thank you for posting this. I am 37 and we have been ttc for years. At this point it would be IVF. I always wanted it to be natural so that the decision was made for me. Now if I choose IVF (I know it can also not work) but Im feeling like I am definitely making that decision to really do it then. Being 37 and a dog mom, I'm definitely scared on what is the right choice to make. 🥲

You figure it out as you go and it feels natural if you just take it step by step. My first was unplanned and I thought life was going to be over--i didnt know if I even wanted kids ever. Then you embrace pregnancy, then get excited, then do the planning and the nesting, meet your baby, love your baby, learn all the things, and it just continues like that on and on. Hes almost 4 now and I won't say its not hard or complicated, but ive figured it out as ive gone and hes added a whole new layer of meaning to my life.

I felt neutral about it too. We had started trying when I was 31, it took us 3 years to conceive her. Part of me thought, well if it never happens then that will be ok, I still love my life with my husband. We finally have a daughter who is now 2.5 and the absolute love of my life. The hard thing now is trying for a second, the previous infertility was actually easier on me because I didn't know what I was missing, lol. Now when I see pregnant women or young babies, I ache for another one. Yeah being a parent can be hard, but it's also extremely rewarding and fulfilling, moreso for me than I ever would've guessed before I got pregnant. I also never really had that "maternal" vibe that some women seem to be born with, but I love being her mom, so it worked out. 

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Have you done testing to see if you and your partner can produce healthy children or to see if there’s any possible infertility?