God, I’m begging you, please write something good to me. God. Through Christmas and New Year I don’t have therapy for several weeks, so I have no way to talk to anyone sensible. I just can’t anymore. My heart is bleeding, I am devastated. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.
I’m supposed to start IVF in the next cycle. I’m after an IUI that definitely didn’t work, we have poor sperm results. Why is life so disappointing? Why is this happening to us? Why is it like this…
I haven’t been able to function since Friday. I just want to cry, cry, cry and hide in bed. For 48 hours I’ve been wearing the same pajamas and I only get out of bed to go to the kitchen.
My life feels like a joke. I’m tied to a job that exhausts me but I can’t change it. We bought a house that was supposed to be for our children — there are no children, no career, nothing except tears, pain, and uncertainty.
I don’t know… my husband is starting not to understand me anymore, he’s indifferent. I don’t know what he wants. Please, stroke my head and tell me that someday something will happen, that maybe it will still be beautiful. God, tell me I’m not alone, even though I feel alone. As if I were going to war against a huge army, completely alone, against everything.
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You are not alone. Reaching out across the world and holding your hand. Each day is a day closer to us meeting our babies, and one day we will wake up and realise we no longer feel the same sorrow and ache - it'll be a beautiful day :) keeping you in my prayers tonight.
Thank you bless your heart
I truly feel your pain and ache. Praying for strength for us ♥️
Oh honey. I'm so sorry. I fully understand, these past few months have been really rough for me as well. Watching my nieces and nephews run around (although I love them more than anything in the world) makes me so so jealous and depressed. My husband is also indifferent, and it's infuriating sometimes.
I know how it feels, and I have no advice, but you're not alone in it. <3
God, I started crying. Thank you for replying. I feel like I’m completely alone in this world.
We even argued yesterday and he wanted to go sleep in the other room. I don’t know… everything is tearing my heart apart. I’m so sensitive to everything people say — the way they talk about their families and their happiness. I truly feel like I’m alone in this world.
I’m so sorry. I’m right there with you if that brings you any comfort at all. My mental health is at an all time low and feeling like nobody around me understands just adds to it.
But you aren’t alone. This “journey” is the worst. It’s unfair/cruel/torture/all the awful things. Praying for us all.
Thank you. Truly, very much. I wish I could sink into the arms of anonymous TTC people on Reddit, because it’s the only place that brings me any comfort. I feel like a dry leaf on the pavement, so easy to crush — that’s how fragile I am. I just can’t find my place; wherever I land, that’s where I stay — on the couch for two days, in bed for three. I really want things to turn out well for us.
Sending you strength and support. This process is SO difficult and invades every aspect of our lives. What you’re feeling is normal and you are by no means alone. I have had some days like you where I just don’t want to move from the couch or bed and everything seems like it will never be okay and we’ll never get the life we want. But if it gives you any hope, you most likely will get that life, your journey to getting there is just going to look different than you thought. Believe me, I know how much that thought hurts too because for some it is so “easy”. Hang in there, your story may be painful and hard but it will be beautiful too.
Thank you so much for your reply and for your kind words. Truly, really. I feel like I’m completely alone — like a one-person army. I’m afraid that this road to happiness will destroy me. I’m afraid I won’t be able to function normally anymore. I’m afraid I’ll never become a mother, that I’ll never be pregnant. The fear is simply eating me alive, and I’m scared that I’ll never get rid of it for the rest of my life.
Hey buddy. You are so harsh on yourself. Your life is NOT a joke. You are valuable.
Your feelings are valid. This is such a lonely process, and I don’t believe men experience it the same as we do, since it is our bodies. Tell your husband how to support you through it since he can’t read your mind. Lean on family or friends you trust who are “safe”.
I also want to recommend a podcast that changed my life called “trying to be positive” by Anne Mathews. Listening made me feel less alone.
Sending you so much love. This all sucks. I wish it was easier for everyone in this sub.
Thank you for your reply. I deleted all my social media. I created a fake Messenger account where I have a few people — my small child-free village, without family, without anyone. Most of these people don’t even know what I’m dealing with, and that’s a good thing. I have some semblance of normality; life goes on, discussions go on, as if my tragedy had never happened. With some others, I talk honestly. Thank you for the podcast — I’ll read it. For now, I feel like falling asleep for a few months and waking up pregnant.
I feel the same. I get you. Hang in there ❤️
I think some men are rocked by a male factor infertility diagnosis. It makes them feel unmanly. Rather than deal with those feelings, I think some of them just behave as you’re describing, which comes off as indifference. It’s probably hard for him to comfort you because on some level he is the cause. I’m not excusing his behavior, but maybe with this perspective you can have a deeper conversation with him about what you need from him.
Probably yes. But it makes me angry. His defense mechanism makes me angry. Because yes, this is a medical issue on his side, but we’re in this together — and yet I’m the one carrying the emotional burden. He just shuts down. I can’t do that. I would give everything I have just to be able to switch it off and function. I’m functioning on autopilot. For eight hours I can do my job; everything else doesn’t matter. I’m exhausted by men’s defense mechanisms. I just need someone to take emotional care of me. God, let these holidays and the New Year just pass already — I want to get back to therapy.
Totally - women never have the luxury of just shutting down. I get it. His behavior is inexcusable. If you value your marriage though, I would encourage him to get into therapy and have honest conversations about how is behavior is upsetting you.
I think you’re right. I think that after the New Year, when I return to therapy, I should have a session with my therapist and my husband to discuss the next step, which is IVF, the stress it brings, and my feelings of loneliness. I trust my therapist very much — I think she will be able to act as a mediator and help us understand where the boundaries are and what we can expect from each other. She’s a really great therapist, my biggest light in the infertility tunnel. So not seeing her for a long time affects me badly.
I'm feeling the same way as you are right now. Got my period Wednesday after getting my hopes up that an IUI worked. I'll also be starting IVF. I've had to work for everything in my life, my job, my husband and my house and now this while things come seemingly easy to others. I've been questioning the existence of God myself. If there is a God, I'll keep praying that this will be both of our years. You're not alone. Best of luck to you!
I’m just expecting my period after what was probably an unsuccessful IUI. God, I also worked so hard for everything. I finished two degrees, bought a house, built a career. I had no help from family, from anyone. I did everything the right way — finished my studies, got married, started working, bought a house.
And there are people who did the same at my age who are now in the delivery room. And I’m nowhere.
I’ve been crying for two days straight in the same pajamas. I don’t understand why this is happening to me. I don’t understand why this is happening to us. We have a male infertility factor, and it’s so hard for me to accept because I never expected this.
Yeah I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up either. I have lower them normal AMH and we also have slight male factor; 0% motility. I just have a feeling I'm in for a long journey that may end with no kid. I do know people who have had success with IVF though, including my sister and she also has low AMH but she's younger than I am. I know it's so hard to stay positive but I'm trying to focus on the good in my life. I do love my job and I'm lucky to have it and we're working on making our hours more beautiful.
I’ve simply started obsessively reading thousands of scenarios — different stories, possible ways out of this situation, which IVF is the best, which methods to use. I’ve even started wondering what if the DNA fragmentation comes back high — even though I don’t know that it will! But I’m already thinking about what I’ll do if it does. My husband hasn’t even had his tests yet; the results will probably come at the end of January or the beginning of February. My defense mechanism is creating thousands of scenarios in my head and figuring out what I’ll do if. I’m not able to live with this kind of uncertainty. And the worst part is that I have absolutely no faith in me. None at all.
I know it's hard but it's best to try to just live in the moment and take things one step at a time. I know it's easier said than done but it's what I'm gonna try to do. You don't want to make yourself sick.
I know, I know — I know this very well. I should finally pull myself together. I know that life goes on. I know the clock doesn’t stop ticking, trains don’t stop, planes don’t stop flying just because a tragedy has happened to me. The world will keep moving forward, and I will get older whether I get pregnant or not. So I have to live through this time with at least some quality of life. Right now, I have no quality of life at all. I’m simply in despair. I’ve fallen into a deep hole again, and I can’t pull myself out of it.
I so get this. I intellectually know that the world doesn’t stop for my feelings but it’s hard to feel like I can keep going or that my life should keep going (looking at you SI lol). I’m trying to find glimmers in the day to day. Some days I just cry a lot. Work can sometimes be a helpful distraction, but then it’s what to do in the quiet moments at home? Honestly mind numbing tv sometimes helps me. Some days nothing helps. I’m also the type of person that likes to have plans A-D figured out before we even do the next thing in the process. Trying to live moment to moment is hard. I like trying to watch shows that make me laugh. That usually helps me feel better. A lot of comedy specials or listening to comedian podcasts… a lot of Hot Ones episodes on YouTube. 😅 I also highly recommend talking to your therapist about DBT skills. Half-smile/willing hands helps me, even though I don’t always do the hands part. DBT has taught me a lot of skills for distress tolerance.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. No advice, but I will share my experience.
The cycle before I started IVF was the hardest for me. I was so worried about what I didn’t know about IVF and couldn’t control, angry that nothing else had worked, pissed that I have to pay 10’s of thousands of dollars to get what most people get for “free”, and just totally sad for myself and my husband that parenthood has been so delayed for us.
Starting IVF, while still hard, made me feel like I had some sense of control again. Like - “okay, I’m really doing something and it’s different and my odds are better with this.”
My egg retrieval is today. Nothing is guaranteed. It’s been hard. Parts of it have been shitty. But I feel like it’s given me a new focus/renewed my sense of hope a bit.
Good luck.
Yes, exactly, that’s it. This is probably my hardest cycle. Because there simply isn’t a definitive decision. The doctor left the decision up to me and my husband, and my husband left the decision to me. He thinks that I will bear the greatest consequences of this choice, so I can decide — and I’m the one struggling the most with it. So it’s all my decision to make, and it’s hard for me: me and my decision, me and my money, me and my savings that some people have never even seen, while they have healthy and loving family. It’s really hard and emotionally pivotal for me, because I don’t see IVF as a magic wand; it’s just a method. But I might not have any good eggs, or I might not have any embryos, or I might have embryos that don’t hold. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know anything. So it’s very hard for me. I’m really keeping my fingers crossed for your egg retrieval — I hope it will be a good day for you. I really hope everything goes well and that you keep hope alive.
You can do this love ❤️ genuinely, in my dark moments I could have written your post. I too got the job with good mat leave, got the house, and then no baby… for years…
I have now found myself in the the IVF trenches and scheduling a third embryo transfer (first two failed) and who knows why, but snuggling other people’s babies gives me life. This is a complete u-turn from feeling absolutely triggered. I dunno if it’s being pumped full of hormones but I fundamentally need to hold a baby to survive 🙈
Life is indeed unfair. You do not deserve this. I am sorry we are in this club. There are no reasons for it. You are not behind ❤️
You’re not alone, I wish I could give you a hug.
I hope the best for you, remember that grief is in waves so if possible change your scenery. I usually go to the local college%university to look at the landscaping, that helps.
Unfortunately, I know that I should leave the house. I know I should go outside, expose myself to the sunlight — which I’m getting very little of right now — and I should be making use of the day and of life. But I can’t force myself. I can’t even make myself get dressed. I’m in such a deep low, full of anxiety and fear.
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You are not alone. Funny enough what you wrote felt like I was the one writing this so thank yu for making me feel less lonely 🩵. I cried in the morning and in the shower and while cooking dinner. I, too, have prepared a room for kids that i had no idea i might not see them soon. It's hard and it feels never-ending. Wishing all of us the best and the strength to push through
You’re my virtual emotional counterpart — I cried this morning too, while eating… I also have a room for a child. Of course, renovated a year ago in NEUTRAL COLORS, because you never know what will happen! Right now, that room is my wall of tears. And my dog’s dining room. There’s a rug there where my dog goes to eat all his precious treats, because they don’t slide on the floor when he eats them on the rug. I don’t know why I’m writing this — I think I wanted to smile for a moment, because that room causes me physical pain, but at least someone is using it… That room and this house feel like my failure. Every day I’m filled with resentment that I’m sitting in a house with so many bedrooms. What do I need this for? WHAT FOR.
I’m so sorry you feel this way ❤️🩹 You are not alone, I promise you that. I also feel like this lately. Just kinda useless and in constant despair. There is a lot of grief in this journey of the life we thought we’d have. Everything I’ve planned for with career, houses, etc. seems pointless now. I don’t know what my life looks like without this. It is a great great mystery, and it is painful and it breaks your heart completely open. I don’t know how to make it better for you or me, but God loves you, and you still get to have a full and beautiful life. It’s okay to be sad right now. You don’t have to do anything.
Thank you so much. Truly. It’s strange, but knowing that I’m really not alone, that in real time it’s easy to find people who feel the same way — people who maybe even cried today at the exact same moment as I did, for the exact same reason — genuinely makes it hurt a little less.
One of the hardest parts of all of this is the loneliness. Others either get what we want right away, or they go through a long, bumpy road but eventually have it — or they don’t even want the thing we want so badly. It’s so hard to find people around me who feel these same emotions. Even my husband doesn’t experience it the same way.
And yes, sometimes it feels like our hearts are just breaking in half. I still hope for a happy life. I know that if I’m not meant to become a mother, one day I will pull myself together eventually - there is no other choice. One day I will be happy. But right now I’m stuck in the middle, where nothing is definitive yet — and that uncertainty is the greatest fear of all. What comes next? What will really happen?
I know… sometimes I wish I could get reverse annunciation lol, like an angel comes down and is like “listen, it’s never going to happen so you can just give up”. It’s the not knowing that’s so hard. Having any shred of hope.
It’s true, I also forget that there are other women crying along with me even when it feels the loneliest! Similar to you, I have become extremely introverted, most people in my life don’t know how much I’m suffering. Or they know we’re trying but just assume it’ll work out so they don’t think about it much. Not that I need pity. It’s just a difficult situation to navigate socially. I love kids, obviously, so seeing friends with babies is nice but also a reminder that they got pregnant during a month we were trying.
I really hope IVF gives you the results you want and that this chapter can start to resolve. Wishing you all the best
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Hi, I just want you to know that you are not alone. I have been in the trenches of the same deep feelings you are expressing.
We did everything “right” too~ house before baby, years of saving, working on our careers, and have a room filled with goodies I’ve been collecting for a baby. We have not been lucky on our journey so far and intervention is looking more and more likely.
Last month I had a complete mental breakdown, after days of crying I simply couldn’t do it anymore. I deleted all pregnancy tracking apps, threw away all my tests/strips/supplements that “help” fertility and called it a day. I don’t know when we are officially “trying” again but I felt like a runaway train and needed to stop.
This month has been much much better. If you need to take some time for your mental health and can afford to do so, please consider that. It has helped my mental health so much and my marriage to take a pause. I am unsure of your circumstances and if that is an option, but also considering volunteer work could be helpful to channel those feelings in a positive way.
It may also be helpful to leave as many subreddits as possible (besides the ones you get support from) regarding pregnancy. I literally just couldn’t stand seeing so many “get super lucky on their first try” while I wallowed in misery, my husband seemingly thinking I’m being insane.
I’m so so sorry you’re going through this, OP. Life can feel like a joke when we are struggling in silence. Thank you for posting this and shedding some light on a large portion of the TTC community hurting.
Sending you big hugs. I wish I could hug you in person! I definitely identify with your feelings. It’s hard to keep up hope but you’re not alone. It’s hard to remind myself of that too. I hope your IVF cycle goes well! I found it scary but a relief once I started to feel like I’m taking bigger steps forward. Keep going!
I am sorry you are going through this. I read some of your other post and I genuinely think that you will have a completely different experience with IVF. I don’t know why anyone recommended an IUI in your case. I’m sorry it took such a toll on your mental state. Hang in there and put all your focus on IVF. I’d try to find a new cozy hobby over the holidays (maybe needlepoint?), go get a message, start following people on the IVF journey on TikTok etc. Things can change so fast for the better!
Thank you very much for your reply. It seems to me that the doctor simply wanted to tick off the standard approach — three IUIs — even if it doesn’t make sense. Which is honestly completely strange to me, because from the very beginning I’ve said that I’m paying out of pocket for every procedure; I’m not relying on insurance, so IVF is something I wanted to discuss two months ago already. But only now has it finally become an option. The doctor would still continue with IUI, but I don’t want to anymore — it doesn’t make sense, not with these results. And now we’re still waiting for the sperm DNA fragmentation results, which I’m terribly afraid of. What if the results are overwhelming and IVF becomes even harder… I don’t know. I don’t know — but I want so badly to believe that things will be okay.
I was thinking to start making cups or other ceramic stuff maybe...
Virtual Hugs I’m sorry friend 🌷 God is Faithful, ask for His Peace. It’s not an easy road, but it is worth it when you hold your baby for the first time 🌷🥹
“And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord.”” Luke 1:45