My older brother in law passed away this past may in a horrible car accident, he was single with no kids, we were great friends and he was like an older brother to me. I loved him. We both worked at my father in law’s law firm, my brother in law was supposed to be the one that would eventually inherit everything after my father in law steps down and he’d have been a great boss, but recently my FIL pulled me aside and told me now that he’s gone I’m the one taking over everything. I kept crying and thanking him.
The firm is one of the most well known and successful offices in our entire country and just working in it would be a dream to thousands of lawyers much less owning it. I’m happy and my wife’s happy for me too, and I feel fucking horrible about it, I genuinely loved my brother in law and I miss him a lot and I hate that I benefited from such a horrible accident. I feel like a slimey son of a bitch right now. Which I swear I’m not, I’d give it all up if I could have him back. I genuinely loved him.
You are allowed to be happy and have a good life even though he died.
You have not taken anything away from him.
If he loved you too, he’d probably be glad you were getting the position instead of someone else.
It’s your brother in laws final gift to you and his sister, he can rest knowing she is taken care of and the firm is in good hands.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Facts that shit still gotta be heartbreaking tho
Absolutely... As long as you didn't cause the accident then there is nothing wrong with this situation.
Totally agree guilt and gratitude can exist together he would want you to live well and carry it forward
Agreed. Its not on you on anyone really, the nasty feeling of capitalisms claws twisting during a time of grief. You deserve to have a great opportunity and im sorry it must be laced with such a bitter memory but you must understand, rage against the machine, not yourself!!!!!!
This makes sense grief and gratitude can exist together you did not cause the loss and honoring him by doing well is not betrayal at all
Yeah, I really needed to hear that. It’s hard to separate feeling grateful from feeling guilty, but you’re probably right. If roles were reversed, I’d want it to be someone I trusted too
Totally this guilt makes sense but you didnt cause this and honoring him by living well is not a bad thing at all
Thats how I see it too he mattered to me and living well doesnt erase that at all
You can also view this as honoring his legacy through the company’s continued success. If you were as close as you say, he likely would have welcomed you carrying on in his place.
What you're going through is survivors guilt.
It's not your fault he died.
If he could speak, he'd want you to have these things, he'd want you to be happy & live a good life.
None of that will help though, the only thing that makes it more bearable is time.
By honouring your BIL and FIL, you should make the company more successful. Also, be faithful to your wife and treat her the best you can.
You know there is nothing you can do about the accident. Life just happens, no matter how you like it or not. Sometimes, good comes out of bad things, sometimes it is the other way around.
Sorry for your losses
She’s the love of my life and partner, I’d take a million bullets for her
You said yourself that if you had to chose before getting him back and keeping the firm you would get him back. And you feel like shit.
Seriously, you don't feel like monster, you feel like someone who's living a very difficult time and who has a difficulty to accept that in the same time you have an awesome news. It's normal to feel both sad and happy at the same time.
You make me feel like some people who got an organ and who have the survivor's guilt because they know someone probably died to give it to them.
You didn't asked for him to die, and it would be a shame to ALSO have to let the law firm go to someone else in the process. It's not like refusing it will bring your BIL back. You want to show you deserve it ? Make both FIL and BIL proud of what you will do with it.
Honor the BIL, by having a photo of him in the office and thank him every day.
This is a lovely idea
Just remember he would have wanted this for you man.
Not sure how it would work but why don't you set up some sort of scholarship program in his memory through the firm
Do your best to do a great job in his honor! It is a light in a time of darkness is loosing your BIL. Find some way to honor him within the practice if possible.
This is a sign that you’re a good human. Try not to over think it
You aren't benefitting from his death. Someone has to take over. Would you rather it be someone else, who didn't care about him?
He left a lot of years behind for you, go live them. For his sake.
Your brother in law wanted this for you if anything ever happened to him. You can mourn him and still honor him by keeping his business successful and continueing his legacy.
The ability to feel two opposed emotions at the same time and recognize that is a sign of maturity, in my opinion. A lot of people don't seem to be able to.
All I'll say is: talk about this with your wife. Though I wouldn't be surprised if you were already doing so.
You already told us you're a lawyer earlier in the post, you didn't have to say it again...
I kid, I kid.
If you guys were as close as you say, if he knew for any reason that he wasn't going to be able to inherit the firm, I'm pretty sure that he would have wanted you to. If you believe in any kind of afterlife, you can be comforted in knowing that he's probably really happy for you.
Just set something up in honor of his name.
Maybe a scholarship for a poor law student. Or a trust fund for pro bono work in area that's close to his heart.
Your brother wanted this for you, too. Celebrate it!
Did you wish him dead? Did you murder him? No? Maybe look at it as an inheritance. A relative dying and leaving you a shitton of money also financially benefits you. That doesn't mean you wanted them gone, though. Sorry for your loss.
You could start up a scholarship or intern program in honour of him within the company? He lost his future, his life, and it would be a wonderful legacy 🫂
Be worthy of the situation and run the firm to make you, your wife, your FIL, and, most importantly, you, proud.
The only reason you feel horrible is because you love your BIL truly in your heart. Just remember death is a lot of love nowhere to go. You are still grieving him thats why you are putting yourself down. I dont know the ins and outs of your law firm, but I know for a fact that, thats your FIL’s life work. He is giving it to you because he knew that was your BIL wouldve wanted too. For now I would like for you to shift your thinking to, “now that I have this responsibility, how do I honour my BIL”. YOU ARE NOT SLIMY, when that comes to your mind redirect your thinking to, I am grieving my BIL.
Based on your description of the relationship you had with your BIL, guaranteed he would have wanted wanted it this way. Honor his memory by being your best
If you truly loved him then Do something that keeps his legacy
Someone has to take over at some point. Your brother in law would rather it be you in his place than someone else. So would your father in law which is why he chose you.
Put in the effort you know he would have and keep your head up
Sometimes good things come from bad things happening. My mom was born because her dad's first wife died. I’m only here because my dad's wife died then He married my mom. My child is here because my husband was widowed then we met. Further, I have my specific child because 9/11 happened and the next year I had to travel for a funeral, and my husband demanded I not fly home on 9/11. I flew home on 9/12 and got pregnant that night. I became a widow, and I’m now dating an incredible man I wouldn’t have met had his wife not died.
You didn’t kill your brother in law, so there’s no reason for guilt. Instead, be the best damned boss in honor of him.
I’m sure he’d be happy it was you.
Don’t feel bad. You didn’t choose this outcome.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Make him proud. It’s the best you can do in this situation.
Establish something in his name like a scholarship, that way his legacy lives on too.
I am so sorry for your loss, I know that your brother in law would want you to be the person who takes over in his place. Maybe if it's not already being done make a memorial wall honoring the amazing person he was at the firm. Sending internet hugs.
Your heart is in the right place do right by him and carry on the legacy he wasn’t able to fulfill that in itself is a great sign of love and respect my friend
He wouldn't want it any other way. You are family, and he was as proud of that as anyone. Congratulations!
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Just know that your grief and your joy are two truths that can and must coexist. They aren’t mutually exclusive and you aren’t wrong for feeling joy in the midst of your grief. You didn’t cause his death and surely, if he could have his legacy passed to anyone, do you not think that he would want it to be you?
Made me cry. You’re a good man. Wish you all the best. I think you might be struggling with survivor’s guilt. Do talk to your loved ones about how you’re feeling.
Don't dwell on guilt, man. You said it yourself, you'd give it all to have him back, so you're definitely not happy he's dead and are just living your life and taking advantage of an incredible opportunity that's being given to you!
You have nothing to feel "slimey" about, unless you did something that contributed to his death.
when you take over, run the company so that he would have been proud.
I'm sorry about the loss of your brother in law. You can honor him by being a great boss and person to others.
Hugs 🫂 sorry for your loss. Go make him proud and please don’t forget about the little people. Always be kind to the little people.
Think of it as stepping up in his honor.
Do your BIL an honor and create a scholarship in his name.
Tragedy is not your fault. Who you know and how you came to know them is really kind of luck of the draw. It isn’t like you went to your FIL and asked for this. He decided that you were qualified and able and he would rather have you inherit the firm than some stranger.
I’m a lawyer too. I went to a lower ranked school because it was close to home and kept costs down. After working my way through school I had made connections with the outside counsel my employer used for the toughest issues. The partner in charge of the relationship got to know me and the quality of my work. A few years later when I was in the market for a new job, I reached out to him and he offered me a position on his team. With this amazing firm that has offices all over the world. Ivy League graduates would feel lucky to work here. And it felt like it fell in my lap. But in truth it didn’t. I laid a foundation of trustworthiness and work ethic that was recognized as having value. Don’t sell yourself short.
I bet if he were there to say so, your BIL would be happy for you, and be glad that if anyone was going to take his place at the firm, that it’s you. Being grateful for an opportunity doesn’t mean you rejoice in the circumstances that brought it to you. You pay respect to your BIL by doing the job with skill. Good luck.
Say a prayer and tell him that. I'm sure he'd be glad that you loved him and wanted you to be successful.
You could do something to honor him if you're feeling guilty.
In the face of tragedy the brain always tries to trick us into feeling guilty. Just makes up the stupidest reasons for it. No reason why we're like that.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Survivors guilt is a thing, but the reality is something horrible happened, and you know have a chance to carry on that person‘s legacy and do right by it. Many situations are complicated, and in the end shake out to be horrible things and wonderful things that all can exist at the same time.
You brother in law would have wanted this for you.
I would suggest you see a therapist. This is a huge gain and it comes as a huge loss as well, so there are mixed emotions about the whole thing, which is certainly understandable.
Remember the bottom line - you all got along - you all like each other - it's sometimes the company you keep that helps you along the way. Allow that to happen. You'll go through these stages of grief, but I'm thinking a therapist will help you understand all your feelings.
You didn’t kill your brother and marry his wife. Claudius tries to repent but he realizes that his prayers don’t reach heaven because he can’t give up the throne he killed to achieve. You are repenting for what you did not do. That’s fine but it’s better you inherit the throne than having it pass to Fortinbras and the Poles, meaning to someone outside the family.
You’re grieving
Then run it as best as you can for your late brother in law’s sake. You’re not slimy for something you could not control.
Also you may need therapy if you’re feeling like this to work through what must be a roller coaster of emotions
Once you inherit it, make sure that you handle it in a way you think he would love. Maybe think about a scholarship in his name for a cause that was important to him.
It doesn't heal the hurt and loss you feel but you could show everyone that he is not forgotten. A legacy that still carries his name.
Somewhat similar, my dad died unexpectedly last year and I got a reasonably significant inheritance. I felt similar, but a year on I've come to terms with it by knowing dad would be proud that he helped my family and I. I also take my responsibility to not squander what he worked hard to earn seriously, almost like I'm a caretaker of something that's not mine.
Soooo.. nepotism..