it was two years ago, in august I think
we were watching some random stuff at night, my brother is in front of me drinking something when suddenly his hand just slumps down and toss the mug to the floor shattering it
he immediately has problem talking and can't move the side of the slumped hand, a stroke attack
I'm the one calling for ambulance, I'm the one taking him to the hospital, we hired a couple of nurses for 24-hour monitoring because we're so shorthanded; our parents are old and me and my other brother both has work
I always come back to the hospital after work, taking care of the stuff--CT Scan, insurances, medicines, etc.--until the doctor said that he needs to be admitted to the ICU
seeing his condition is heartbreaking, can't talk, can't move half his body, I saw him crying when our parents came to visit
then after a week, when I'm about to go to work, the nurse that we hired called and just told me to go to the hospital right now, my brother's condition has deteriorated
when I got there it's already too late...
the few weeks after that was a blur
but after things become a little more normal, there are a couple lasting effects that I noticed on myself;
I become mildly hypochondriac, every single discomfort on my limbs I thought as a symptom to stroke, I'm stressed on almost every time I feel some random pain or sensation, like I'm preparing to have a stroke at any time
I have been having come-and-go insomnia episode, could be having sleep problem for 1-2 weeks, then normal sleep for 1-2 weeks, then back to insomnia again, and so on... I still have the insomnia come and go even today and seemingly have more frequent nightmares
I know something changed, I know I'm dealing with grief, but I suppose I don't think it'll last this long or make me feel like shit for this long
I lost my dad a few years ago. Found him on the floor and he couldn't get up.
Very similar in that he deteriorated over a few days and we had to make the decision.
I'm the same as you. Every time I get a pain I'm thinking along the same lines as you.
All tests come back ok. But still worrying.
I don't have an answer - just to say that to an extent it's natural and you're not the only one.
I'm slowly starting to come to the conclusion that whatever happens will happen so get on and enjoy life before it passes you by. But that is 4 years down the line.
My best wishes are sent to you.
PTSD is very very real. Please consider talking with a therapist.
I deal with health anxiety / OCD and it can feel like torture. I see people say that if something was wrong, I would know, as if I don’t get the feeling of impending doom whenever my heart skips a best. It’s really hard to deal with. If you have access, I would highly recommend investing in therapy, maybe even exposure therapy if you feel like that’s appropriate (for health anxiety) and grief therapy. It will be a battle, but it makes a world of difference. I’m not on the other side yet, but I have hope. Therapy in general has been tremendously helpful for me. I wish you well.
Two years, it’s sounding like trauma/PTSD. My friend, this is diagnosable and treatable. A psychologist or psychiatrist would be a good next step. Treat yourself as the one who needs help right now so you can continue to show up for your family. It’s that time.
Sorry for your loss.
My Grandma had a heart attack and died. My uncle had a shit load of heart attacks 7+ and finally a one of the first heart transplants at the university of Washington. Had a couple friends have heart attacks and die. One while he was driving, luckily his wife was in the other seat and saw him slump forward.
She got control of the truck and got it to the side and stopped, some other truckers stopped also but he died.
What im getting at....you'll never guess how many times I've been in the ER thinking im having a heart attack.
Especially when it took the doctors 5 years to finally catch my gallbladder and find it not working.
Chest pain, back pain, nauseated...feeling like im dying.
All that made me a freaking hyperchoderite (spelling) with panic attacks for years.
All this from early 30s-40s-50‐s
At 65 I was diagnosed with bi-polar.
I've been taking my 2 pills a day and ALL of worry / hyperchondirac crap has disappeared.
I sure wish I had these meds 30 + years ago.
Speak with your care provider and let them know what you're feeling after this experience and with your responsibilities.
It could very well be some PTSD involved with all of these events.
So, please speak with your Dr about this.
I’m sorry for your loss OP. Everyone deals with grief differently, it’s something you grow around. Find someone to talk to, sleep is very important.
Man, I feel ya. Honestly, the trauma hits like a truck & hangs on, huh? PTSD ain't just for combat vets, we gotta remember that. Check out therapy or counseling. It's not a fix-all, but it's something. Hang tight, dude. It's a nasty ride, but you don't gotta ride it alone.
Sorry for your loss! Thinhs that should help are leaning on friends and family for support, start therapy to heal, practice self care and get enough sleep.
May your brother's memory be only for a blessing.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m sure that your brother felt some comfort from having you there and you gave him a chance and the ability to spend time with his family before he passed away.
I'm so deeply sorry. Please get some help from a therapist. They really can help you.
My aunt passed from metastatic breast cancer 3 weeks after I had my first baby. A year later, I had been having some anxiety that I was going to get cancer and leave my daughter without a mom. The anxiety and OCD I was having over this started getting worse when I’d get any kind of twinge of pain like you mentioned in your post. Then one day I had a panic attack, but I didn’t know what it was at first. I stayed in denial for a few months longer and convinced myself I could resolve my anxiety on my own.
Once I got to the point where I knew it was affecting my daily life like sleep, finding joy in doing things, wanting to just lay in bed, I went to my doctor. I got a referral for a therapist and started taking meds for the anxiety. If anything, you need to get a therapist to help you work through the trauma you’ve experienced and working on getting past these anxious thoughts you’re having
I’m sorry you and your family went through this tragedy. There’s help out there to cope.
EMDR really helped me out when I witnessed something terrible with a family member
I recently lost my brother in late June. He was my little brother, 6 years younger. Cancer took him but during his battle he would not accept any help or visits. He couldn’t speak or eat for over a year. I am grieving also, up late, up early, endless energy trying to out run my feelings. Grief always changes you. I’m sorry you too are suffering.
Holy fuck. That is really tough. People vary as to how long to get over a death. But, life is for the living. If you dwell on it, it will never go away. Build your life and let it lessen with time.
I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine being in your shoes