I’m (16F) seriously contiplating if everything is even worth it right now and it might be stupid as fuck to many of you, why this small thing is my last straw and I can’t explain why either, but I don’t give as shit as to how people see me anymore. You can Think I’m overreacting, stupid, worthless, a whore or whatever you want. I’m used to it.
My family is fucked. My dad is abusive, mostly mentally but He has pushed me a few times, once in public. Nobody did anything and I was having a mental breakdown. Nobody gave a crap about a kid who was very clearly not well. That’s the world for you.
My mom is a wreck. She is emotionally abusive and blames all her bad behavior on her mental illnesses. I have been a therapist for her as long as I can remember. Always telling her that the way my dad treats her is not okay. She would also push me when I was younger but stopped. She’s honestly the person in my life I love the most, because she’s the only person who will love me no matter what.
My older brother used to force me to kiss him or touch him, when we were younger. He would also punch, push, bite etc. all while my parents looked the other Way. He’s alright today, just has some anger issues. I know I love him, but every time he comes close to me, I feel disgusting in my body. My mom has reminded me multiple times that He was a kid as well and that I can’t be mad or blame him, which I try not to do.
Then School came, which wasn’t even a safe space at all. The teachers were Nice, but bullying happened to seriously everyone. Sure I found some friends along the way, actual good people, but today most of them isn’t even in my life anymore. I’m just myself, which I don’t mind most of the time. It’s honestly not bad at all.
I’ve been a teenager for 3 years now and I’ve made some horrible mistakes. Everything that has happened, I’ve had a fault in. I decided to go to a college party, knowing there’d be fucking losers and weirdos. I chose to sneak out drunk in the middle of the night. I chose to drink alcohol. All those decisions, I made, well knowing there’d be consequences. (I also won’t go into details about what happened at the party, but it left a permanent scar)
The only thing for the last two years that has kept me going, is my dog. She is the sweetest, most loving dog ever. I love her so much and everytime I’ve thought about it, she has stopped me. Today she bit me. I don’t know what I did, but dogs don’t just bite. I can’t even look at her, knowing I hurt her some way and I don’t want this anymore.
Then I freaking tried to talk to my mom in hopes that she’d help in some way and she just said “so you don’t want a relationship with our dog anymore. Wow that’s selfish”. Which I guess it is. I don’t know what I hoped she’d say. Just something else I guess.
Also I’m aware of the whole, it gets better shit, but it isn’t true at all. My life has gone downhill, since the day I was born. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt someone else unknowningly, because that’s what I’m used to. Sorry for the rant.
Lastly I’m sorry if I sounded mad at you people, I promise the only one I’m mad at, is myself. I just don’t want it to sound like I’m blaming strangers for something they have no control over.
Oh honey, let me tell you this as the same crazy teenager navigating a shit situation when I was your age. Dead father, (36 years ago today) mother who loved me but was also crazy and dealing with stuff she didn't know how to handle, and having to deal with shit no kid your age should ever have to deal with.
It gets better. It doesn't get easy. But it gets better. And each time you don't give in to the impulse to end it all, you get stronger. You stop fearing stuff because hell, you've been through worse. You start realising you are a tough cookie. You start realising that you are fearless and you're ready to accept nothing less than the very best for yourself.
I'm 44 now. But your post took me right back to 1997. I felt so lost. And I am telling you what I wish I could have told me.
It gets so much better. Have faith in yourself. You will be your own hero. I guarantee it.
Love a big sister/awful auntie/ fairly Goth Mother who gets it.
this is golden advice, op it definitely does get better, bc when you look back on it, out of everything you've been thru, YOU are still standing. the common denominator for what prevails is you, not the situations you go thru. wishing you peace and positivity
I see you. I’m 45 and cringed a bit thinking of the early and mid 90’s
You have two very abusive parents, and you've simply acted like a kid with an abusive household. You're quick to blame yourself, but it's not your fault your dad pushes you, that your mom abuses you verbally, that your brother sexually abused you. Whatever happened at that party, I'm pretty certain wasn't your fault regardless of how much you drank or where you decided to go.
You did not abuse you. Others did.
Dogs are often on edge in tense environments, and your home sounds extremely tense and frightening. Even if your dog hasn't been the subject of abuse, she knows it's not a safe space. It's no surprise she bit someone. I'm just sorry it was you.
Start planning now to get out of there as soon as possible. Get a part time job. Start squirreling money away so you can leave this mess of your parents' creation. Stick with therapy if you can, because you'll likely need it to heal from all of this. It will be hard, but you can do this. You will have your own life away from this.
Thank you for the nice comment. I truly appreciate it.
I honestly still feel like what happened at that party to some degree was my own fault and I don’t think I’ll be able to change that feeling. I also don’t know how to get out and I’m not even sure I’m strong enough.
My dog is very stressed usually and she keeps her distance to my father and brother mostly. I just feel like I hurt her somehow and I hate myself for that.
At the very least, you were (and are) a kid when you put yourself in that position. The others were probably young adults. That makes them responsible for what happened, not you.
You are strong enough. You will find a way to get out. Look for any support you can find. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, whatever gets you to safety.
Often times dogs, much like people, lash out at whomever they feel the most comfortable with. Or maybe you were just the one who happened to be there when she snapped. If you have no recollection of hurting her, then I highly doubt you did. She was simply wound up too tight. Give yourself some grace and try not to jump to the conclusion that this was your fault.
What happened at the party was NOT your fault. Do you have a guidance counselor at school? Maybe they can listen and help you navigate how to get out of your house.
Your dog does not hate you. With everything going on in your house, she’s probably stressed too. Was she asleep? Was someone yelling? Please don’t think she hates you. You ARE strong enough to get through this, and get out of that house -with your dog. 🩷
I'm really truly sorry for what you've been through. It's normal for an abused person to think everything is their fault. Sure you could have made different choices and had potentially different outcomes, but by and large the bad stuff is not even in your control! You have every right to be mad at your brother - would you have done that to a younger sibling? NO. Being a kid doesn't excuse it. However... your parents ARE to blame. Your home is supposed to be a safe haven – it's the exact opposite of that full of abuse, negligence, all mental, emotional, and physical. I'm so so sorry! Do you have any relatives that you could reach out to? I'm imagining an aunt perhaps that doesn't have much contact with your family… If you were to reach out there could be a possible escape. If you have any relatives that don't have much contact with your family, it is probably because they don't want to put up with the abusive behaviors that they wetness, and that may be a route to a better life. Getting your drivers license, getting a job that you can walk to and from until you can save up enough to get a car… Be for yourself who you wish Your mom would have been. Be for yourself who you wish an older sister would be to you… Stay away from the people in places that you know are bad news, surround yourself as much as you can with people who are kind and genuine. If there is a teacher that you trust, perhaps you could ask them for resources of how to find yourself a better place to be… Be wise, on the lookout for people who are trying to take advantage of you. I would make some phone calls to churches without giving your contact info just to see what they have to say/offer. There are programs for abused women and children to be able to escape their situation. The National domestic violence hotline will have all the resources you could imagine. They will be able to set you up and get you what you need.
What you're going through is not your fault, you are not the parent raising a child right now you are the child, and unfortunately they are not doing what they need to do to raise you and protect you.
Advocate for yourself - unfortunately, no 16-year-old should have to do this, but you are capable, and things will get better when you get the help that you need!
Dogs do bite for no reason. Depending on the breed especially. You didn't do anything wrong and for what it's worth even if you had say accidentally stepped on her foot or something, the dog forgot ten mins later. This is your inner voice, from all the emotional abuse and neglect telling you these things. That you don't deserve companions or love. That it's your fault. I've been through hell and back, my story is a novel and I'll spare you...but it can get better. I won't say it DOES get better, but it can. You have to start making healthy habits and choices , for yourself and no one else first. Then when you heal and find your core and build a good relationship with yourself, things start changing in a position direction. By positive direction meaning things out of your control will still happen, but how you respond, persevere and deal will change. Do you have any grandparents or aunt's that would let you stay with them for a bit? I know it's hard when you're still very young and trapped in a toxic environment. But start thinking of your future, make little changes every month. Maybe get a little job and tuck away for a place of your own by time you can leave (in a savings account). Your dog is fine though, I bet it's hoping you'll give it attention right now.
Hey mention to your mom that its possible your dog could have a UTI or something internally causing pain. Dogs have symptoms of aggression when theyre hurting and sick. Just food for thought , so you dont feel youve done something wrong
There are times we think it's easier to blame ourselves for everything, but the truth is there are things that are beyond our control. How others react is out of our control, therefore, not our fault. So, there may be things that you are responsible for, but the majority of what you described are not. I wish you to be able to see a way out, perhaps just out of spite at first, but later out of love for yourself.
Hugs. I'm sorry you've had a tough lot in life. But I promise you, your dog loves you. Dogs make mistakes, just like people. My dog straight up peed on me once, while we were in the house. He looked guilty as hell right after, like he knew he had made a mistake. He's never ever peed in the house before, or after that incident. Like the other commenters mentioned, if they're stressed, sick, or even just had a bad dream, they can get confused and make mistakes.
I’m so sorry. I completely understand how you’re feeling. I am 44 now, but when I was your age I felt a lot like you. I did things I am not proud of, I was bullied horribly, thought it would be easier to not be around anymore. I can definitely understand why you’re dog biting you is the last straw. The way dogs communicate is with their body language, they can growl, show their teeth, whine, snap etc. I can’t tell you why your dog bit you, I can’t really guess without more info. But I can tell you it doesn’t mean that you hurt her, she could’ve been startled. My dog, who is now 9 1/2, bit me when he was about 2 1/2. He was sleeping and I was kissing him on his forehead and startled him and he snapped and got my cheek. He definitely felt horrible, but it was my fault. I didn’t know as much as I do now. I know everyone always says “it gets better”, and it’s really hard to see it. But it usually does get better. It seems that your family is a huge part of your depression. Unfortunately we can’t choose our families, but we can choose not to have a relationship with them. I know you’re still young, and I know it is all very overwhelming. But the world is a better place with you in it.
I don’t know about “it gets better”. I feel like life is about growing the right muscles, just when you have this age figured out, it sends you a new bag of stuff to learn. Then you have your own kid, that’s hard when you haven’t done it before. Then your kid has their first heartbreak, that’s even harder than having your own. I would say, it gets… “different”. What matters most today will seem easier next season. What I find encouraging about that is the idea that time and distance from the most difficult parts of now seem to always put things in a different perspective. Wait it out. One day you’ll wake up and realize you’ve finally been safe for a lot longer than you were ever unsafe. Grieving happens differently for everyone, it’s not linear. It’s okay to be overwhelmed or angry or frustrated. Or all of those at once. It’s also okay to have a happy, sunshine day once in a while for no reason at all. Don’t forbid those, don’t believe you don’t deserve them. Let them happen now and then.