I think I fucked up really badly and I don’t know what to do.
I have abusive parents. They’re not abusive in an obvious, movie-villain way - they’re extremely good at acting normal, kind, and “perfect” in front of other people. They’re basically master manipulators. The only person who has ever seen through it is my therapist.
Recently, I opened up to a few friends about what goes on at home. At first, they believed me. But then they met my mom briefly / saw her interact with others, and because she’s very good at acting, they started doubting everything I said. They basically decided there’s “no way” my parents are abusive.
After that, I should’ve stopped talking about it, but I didn’t. I told them about a recent fight I had with my parents that resulted in me getting a mild concussion and going to the hospital. They called me while I was outside waiting for another friend to pick me up to go to the hospital, and somehow from that call (or my camera?) they now think I was lying about that too.
I took a few days off school to recover. When I came back, my friends confronted me and straight up told me I was lying about everything, that my home life is fine, and that I’m just an attention seeker. I stood my ground and said that if that’s what they think, then they clearly don’t know me very well.
Then they escalated it.
They said the only way to “settle this once and for all” is for them to come to my house and meet my parents. They said if they find out my parents aren’t abusive, then everyone will know I lied - but if they are abusive, they’ll “protect me” and “save me.”
This scares the shit out of me.
I already know what will happen:
- My parents will act perfect.
- My friends will believe them.
- My friends will leave.
- Then my parents will turn on me and things at home will get much worse.
I know this because something similar already happened when I was younger and went to the police. The police contacted my parents, and after that, everything at home got way worse.
My friends don’t understand manipulation, and realistically they can’t actually protect me anyway. The moment things get uncomfortable, they’ll leave - and I’ll be stuck at home dealing with the consequences alone.
Now I’m stuck. If I keep delaying giving them a date to come over, I’ll probably lose these friends too. These are the only people I am friends with so if I loose them, then I'll have no one in school. But if I let them come over, I’m almost certain it’ll make my home life hell.
I feel like I ruined everything by opening my mouth. Before this, at least school was an escape. Now home is still bad and school feels unbearable.
Now I don't know what to do...
Sweetie, these people are not your friends. Please believe me when I tell you you are much better off without them. You do not need their approval and do not need them in your life.
Don't invite them to your home. You can simply tell them you would rather leave everything the way it is right now and stop hanging out with them. You found the courage to open up to them on such a delicate subject, and not only they don't believe you, then threaten you to tell others you're a liar. They have nothing inside their brains - or their hearts.
Is there a family member you're close to? You need to tell this to other grown-ups, potentially even going to police. You don't have to accept to be abused by absolutely anyone! Try to collect as much proof as you can (E.g. send yourself some voice messages on whatsapp, with a record of your parents abusing you) so that you are one step ahead of them next time they try to pretend to be good parents.
I’ve never been to a therapist but aren’t they mandated reporters? OP says the therapist sees through the parent’s manipulations. So why isn’t the therapist reporting the abuse OP is going through? With a report from the therapist and a verified concussion from the hospital it’s pretty evident something is going on.
When police or CPS depending on where OP lives makes a visit if it all looks fine on the visit they will think the child is lying or trying to get attention. And it sounds like the parents are good at putting on the perfect parent’s front. Now OP has a paper trail started and proof with the concussion. I know the parents will say OP fell but it’s at least something to make them look a little more into it.
OP, is there anyway you can secretly record any of the abuse that goes on in your home? Verbal and mental abuse counts too. Words are damning and if you can get any of it on record you have proof it’s not a safe place for you.
We are all assuming you want out of your home. Either was don’t let your friends visit. It only puts you in serious danger. Especially so soon after a concussion.
I grew up watching my mom get physically and verbally abused. We were verbally and mentally abused too and never said a work out of fear. I wished I had told someone now looking back as an adult. I had amazing friends that did keep me out of the house. They had no idea how bad it was but they knew it wasn’t right. It’s hard for kids that aren’t in that situation to understand it. But for your friends to call you a liar is hateful. They told you how they see you and it’s not as a friend. It’s time for you to find new friends and let go of the old ones.
I think you may have missed the part where it says they went to the police previously and it caused an escalation at home.
You're right - I didn't have that in mind when I wrote my message. However, if he goes one more time, police might see that OP had already been there once. OP can also say the abuse even took him to the hospital once (police can verify that), that it got worse after the first time he went to the police and even better, he could show them proof of the abuse.
It definitely is easier said than done, but I truly wish I could help OP and the only thing I can do is bring up some ideas...
I was in an abusive relationship. Listen to me - the.police.do.not.care. Do you understand? THE POLICE DO NOT CARE.
My ex-husband straight up punched me in the face once. We were separated at the time, he came over to the house would not leave. So I called the police. He was literally falling down drunk. He did not deny punching me in the face. How do you think this ended? Do you imagine my ex was carted away in handcuffs while me and my 2 kids lived happily ever after? It's not like that in real life. The police discouraged me from even making a report. Do you understand? THE POLICE DID NOT WANT ME TO FILE A REPORT. Not even JUST a written report I could use to get a restraining order later. They made it clear it was a waste of their time. This was at 1 or 2 am. My ex was still there. The police did not make THE MAN WHO PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE leave until I agreed not to report it.
Do you understand yet?
This was not even close to the end of this story. I never got help From anyone Ever Mandated reporter OR NOT
If you have not lived through it you have no idea. The systems people who get to be in happy families and happy relationships hear about in PSAs DOES NOT EXIST. Do you understand?
I am happy for you. You clearly have no experience with abuse and that is wonderful. Please help me spread the word - when someone tells you they have been abused, do the following: 1. Believe them 2. Ask what you can do to help 3. BELIEVE THEM 4. Do not act like they can just get help if they want to 5 BELIEVE THEM
I grew up with a sociopath for a mother who was also an amazing liar/manipulator. And I can attest that the police DO NOT CARE. I even called social services a couple times to try and get help and it’s so hard to explain psychological abuse to somebody and have them believe you.
I managed to get out because I was left to live alone with strangers, and that raised some eyebrows with social services. Hopefully getting out for OP is easier but like someone else said, it may just be a wait it out situation :/
I tried to get help repeatedly growing up. My parents pulled me from school the first time to avoid it being looked into. 2nd time, I went to my school counselor. Instead of reporting it, he contacted my parents and told them everything I told him. 3rd time was the therapist my parents were forced to send me to. She told my father everything I told her.
After the 3rd time, my father punched me several times on our way home, chewed me out for telling anyone family business, and informed me I was going to hell. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere until I left for college. I never talked to that therapist again, even though my father forced me to continue seeing her. Eventually, she decided I was just a rebellious teenager. My father was so good that he fooled her. She ignored everything I told her because my father was so good at being "normal".
It escalated every time I tried to get help. My mother is borderline and good at hiding it. My father was a sociopath who got off on faking it to the public. I lived in a rural area that wasn't interested in domestic issues. The police were all about speeding tickets. The best thing that happened to me was when my father died suddenly. I'm NC with my mother finally. She threw me out when she was getting remarried because her kids were no longer useful to her.
You have no idea what you are talking about. What proof? This seems like you need to wait this out. There are no solutions only trade offs. This is not something you can “solve” or “win”. This is damage control until you’re old enough where you can live on you own. In cases like this as a redditor, if you don’t have any actual experience with this or went through it yourself, why comment?
Oh sweet sumer child
The police had my abuser drive me to a psych hospital. He’d been drinking and they gave him permission to take my car. Only one that saw through it was an EMS woman who told me to pack my stuff up and leave that night.
You're friends are too young to understand how narcissistic parents behave and mask their sinister side. They lack the brain power to understand it and won't develop that until later. You have to live it so it's easier for you to grasp it
They’re not your friends, or they’re idiots, tell them no they can’t come over and if they don’t believe you that’s fine but you get enough shit at home that you don’t need it with them. Start recording and documenting everything your parents do and start saving money ready to leave when you’re old enough.
You don't need anyone to verify anything going on in your life....no one needs to 'vet' any relationship but you.
Tell your friends they can neither make a determination about the character of your parents instantly, as abusive people are masters at hiding their abuse, nor can they somehow 'save and protect' you....they simply aren't capable.
Say you are going to take a step back from your friendship, as the last thing you need in your life now is judgemental, non supportive people, and how you hope they never go through something similar
This is what people need to realize - Abusers behave well outside of closed doors on PURPOSE, SO THAT NOBODY WILL BELIEVE THEIR VICTIMS. Although, there may be some who falsely allege abuse to leverage the sympathy and power it can bring.
However, abuse patterns have been elevated as tactics to gain power, often systemically embedded. That's where the problems lie which spit in the face of justice. And it's not limited to any one group - but rather people attracted to positions of any kind of authority, it seems.
Ah yes, Mommy Dearest. Many people tried to say the daughter exaggerated the story because Joan Crawford was "always nice to me"...but us emotionally abused children know.
Also let me give you some unsolicited advice from an old man - you don't owe an explanation to anyone. Your (real) friends don't need them, and people who don't believe you never will. The only thing that matters is personal peace.
Straight up tell them they aren't even equipped to save you even if they did see evidence of abuse and they aren't even able to be decent friends at this point as they care more about the gossip and being right than that there's someone hurting who sought to confide in them. Then stop talking to them.
I was verbally and emotionally abused by my dad. To people on the outside, he could be so friendly and charming. I believe you OP. Abusers often have 2 sides and can put on to others like they’re really great while it’s Hell at home. Hugs to you and prayers for your safety.
Oh my god first of all thank you so much to all the people who gave their advice and shared their stories. It always gives me strength to know that people who have been through the shit I have but are still alive and in (hopefully) a good place. The most asked question was why don't I go to the cops again with more proof and if my therapist was a licensed one.
The reason I don't wanna go to the cops again is because the first time i went, I had a bunch of proof like full on videos, images of bruises that took weeks to heal, fractures caused by them, jaw dislocation, everything. They just said I was over reacting and kids these days are too soft and too entitled and call strict parenting abuse. I basically got an entire hour lecture and they called my parents and told them everything and things at home got so much more worse after that so I've just completely stopped trusting adults in real life to be completely honest.
Yes my therapist is a licensed one and he was building a case against my parents but then my parents found out I was telling him everything and they got super mad and took me out of treatment (i was going to him for treatment of my ADHD, Depression, Anxiety and Eating Disorders) and basically threatened to sue him for "turning their sweet innocent angel boy against them" whatever the hell that means. So yeah as of now, I haven't got treatment in weeks so all my symptoms are getting worse by the day and I am collapsing again.
You got shitty friends.
Tell them it’s fine to come over but to not expect your parents to be abusive in front of others because your parents aren’t fucking idiots.
Of course they’ll act all fine and dandy with others around.
Also tell them that it sucks they don’t believe you.
That is not good advice. OP is putting herself in harms way to have those people come over. There is nothing served to have them come over.
I was thinking that inviting them just as normal friends would is not dangerous per se?
OP needs to resolve this issue with their friends or find new friends.
No. Please don't encourage this option. OP, you have no idea if they'll make the situation worse for you, unknowingly or not. Some people can not be trusted with a delicate situation like this.
Yeah that’s true
No way should she have these people over to her house. They aren't friends.
Record it for them
For them sure, but more importantly for the school counselors, doctors, and police that should be giving a fuck.
I feel for you. It was the same way with my mom and my friends. The only one who clocked her true self was another friend who was also being abused by her own parents. My mom gave her the same vibe.
Read up on covert narcissism, and possibly borderline personality disorder. Mom had a combination of the two and that's how she was able to fool people for so long.
It was gratifying on the rare occasions she would let her mask slip and then other people would get to see the truth about her. They were always so shocked. A "WTF was that?" moment every time.
These people are not true friends. It's akin to eagles saying that an owl isn't a predator because they've never been harassed so they don't know what the mice are talking about. If there's any individual who will listen to you and says, "hey, let's not do this because it's causing OP distress." Then maybe that friend is worth keeping.
Otherwise, dump the lot. Since you have grown up with abuse your normal meter is way off. You could've seeking out friends who are just like your parents because that version of normal is comforting to you - better the chaos you know then the chaos you don't sort of thing.
As for your therapist - are they really accredited and board certified? Or is this a peer counselor from the local community center or from a church? Because as a mandated reporter, it feels like someone you were talking to should have intervened by now.
I know it's hard honey. I know, truly I do. It's okay to grieve this. Grieve the parents and the childhood you should have had, and the friends who should have been on your side no matter what. Then move on with a plan for your future. Attend college or job training somewhere they don't have regular access to you. Limit contact saying you're just so busy with school. Then think about no contact once you can support yourself. You'll find a new tribe, I promise. One that understands and accepts you. I wish you the best, my dear. It does get better. This too shall pass.
They're not your friends. I grew up with narcissistic/abusive parents as well. My friends NEVER doubted me. Even when my parents would be sweet as honey to their faces, my friends never needed 'proof' that they were bad as I'd made them out to be. Friends protect and provide safety. People who ADD to your anxiety aren't friends.
They are not your friends. Do not invite them over. Tell them that you don’t want to be friends with people who don’t believe you are being hurt.
As someone who had parents that looked perfect on the outside, I empathize. It's impossible to explain to people that there is another side they can't see, and you end up feeling like you are lying when you know you are not. They have two sides to them. I feel for you.
These people are not your friends. Please listen to me. From now on these people you thought were friends you stop talking to them and do not tell them anything. Do not hang around them and have nothing to do with them. Shows how stupid they are. Abusers don't abuse in front of other people. They put on fronts and fool people. That's how they get away with it. You must stay away from these people.
I hear how heavy this feels.
Your friends demanding proof of your abuse shows they fundamentally misunderstand how skilled manipulators operate behind closed doors.
If it helps, notice what this moment is asking you to acknowledge.
If you let them come over, you are putting yourself in danger.
If you really want to prove it, then just keep your phone in your pocket, recording audio.
Is there a school counselor you can speak to about the way these people (who are not your friends) are treating you? I think you know that if they came to your house it would only be putting you in more danger.
Document what they do when they think no people outside the family are around— record audio or video if you’re unable to get authorities to believe you.
Are there more adults you can trust in addition to your therapist? You need trusted adults advocating for you, and your parents have no right to be abusive to you, nor do you immature friends. Please seek out more trusted adults in your life to offer you support.
Also remember, fuck those fuckers. Fuck ‘em.
Hey, I have never met friends like that. Unfortunately abused people will never see the signs of toxic people. These classmates are not humane. Get rid of them. You dont have to prove anything.
However, do keep a log of abuses that happened. Of course recorded audio and videos are good. But even a journal count. Go to your school psychologist.