*Throwaway account

Hi, guys! As the title says, I (22F) am still struggling a lot of years after mom (39F) 's suicide.

Long story short, mum died in 2017 and I'm still fucked up. The past year has been especially bad - I feel like ending myself approximately every 3 days, sometimes even more often.

After she died, I became super close to other relatives, we talked about her, they helped me feel like myself again... And they're gone too. And I feel it's been a downwards spiral since then.

Without trying to boost my ego, I'm pretty successful in my field (primarly arts and NGO stuff). I've received several awards as well as worked with some pretty influential people in my country. Friends, as well as strangers, have called me an "inspiration", "a role model", "super creative", etc. I've had many people tell me they want to be like me, to be "as brave", "as creative", "as ambitious" etc as I am.

Yet here I am, wanting to off myself so fucking frequently. I smoke like a chimney, binge eat every day and can sometimes get myself blackout drunk just to feel better for a short while. I know I'd pretty easily get addicted to other substances if I have the chance.

I once joked with a super close friend that my ultimate goal In life is to outlive my mum. I don't think it'll happen. I feel like, not only time doesn't heal, but every year it just makes shit 10 times worse.

I've heard all the stuff - volunteer, workout, talk with friends, do art, etc, etc, etc. I do all of that. It doesn't make anything better. I can't celebrate my achievements, I don't feel good enough like... ever. I mean, I wasn't good enough for my mum to stay. I have amazing friends, one of which has also been through a ton of shit and we often talk about it yet I try to control my abandonment issues and not show them how attached to them I am and how much I dread the time when we separate and I'm alone with myself and my thoughts again.

And I know all the other stuff, I've heard it all as well by many well-meaning friends and relatives - it's not my fault, my mum has struggled with it for a long time, including, by more religious relatives, that "God gives his toughest challenges to his strongest warriors" or whatever the saying is.

I've achieved a lot of my dreams. It feels great the first few days, week, etc and then I just crash and this emptiness returns. I've told myself all the inspirational stuff - to get up, to never give up, that life could end at any second and I should fight, achieve my dreams, etc... so what? At the end of the day, I'll just feel the same fucking way again.

I've been doing all the productive stuff, as well as the self-destructive stuff. I feel the self-destructive stuff so far has been much more numbing but at the end of the day, I feel like the only thing that will help will be to find a time machine, tell my mum I know she's suicidal, do my best to help her, tell my grandma to quit smoking before she develops COPD, tell my uncle to quit drinking and smoking before he gets cancer, tell my other grandma to get tested as her cancer that has been in remission for 30+ years will come back, etc, etc.

Thanks for listening to my rant! I appreciate it a lot!