I saw a post on here the other day that asked who is choosing to be single because of trauma. I thought it was interesting because for me, my looking for/being in a relationship was the trauma response. I had an abusive and neglectful childhood. So up until I was 40 years old, I was just looking for love and validation from men, from anybody outside of me. And I have two kids who are adults now. But despite having two children, I still was not in good relationships and was single for a lot of the time. I went through things that led to a self-love journey. And it was after going through my self-love journey that I chose to be single. It's kind of like the opposite of what that other poster presented. Like, me looking for a man was me trying to fill something. And me being single is because I love myself so much. And I love my freedom so much. And I love myself more than anyone else could love me. I've done (and continue to do) a lot of healing. The more I heal, the more I feel I'm already with the best person for me, which is me. Why are you single?
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Margaret Cho has a comedy special called, I’m The One That I Want. This post reminds me of that.
I won’t do dating apps anymore. If I meet someone in the wild who I’d like to date that would be ideal. But I love my solitude. I don’t want anyone messing with that including friends. I love myself so much that I choose peace over a partner.
This is very similar to where I am. The apps were a way to meet decent men once upon a time, but they’ve become very transactional and draw hustlers and predators. I stopped doing them a couple years ago.
I still have some bitterness in my heart from the type of men I’ve attracted throughout my life. Still I know there are wonderful men out there. They are not on the apps. I’m broadening my network through hobby groups, neighborhood walkers, things like that. For me it’s all about friendship. If someone demonstrates genuine friendship then there’s an opening. But that’s a process and takes time.
In the meanwhile, I love my peace and freedom …that is a non-negotiable.
This is where I’m at. I’d started online dating in the early ‘00s, and a lot has changed over the years! It simply doesn’t work for me anymore. I’m keeping myself socially engaged for my own benefit. If I meet someone, cool. If not, I’ll be fine.
Sounds like me when I signed up almost 7 years ago. It was better the apps. Now it's awful
✊🏻
Weird, I could've wrote this lol I'm 41 with 2 adult children as well. For me, it's because I have bpd (borderline personality disorder). New relationships are like crack for me, and crack isn't good for anyone so I quit cold turkey
I choose celibacy and lean more towards asexuality. I don't have an innate drive to find a partner due to the lack of sexual desire and attractions. Having a partner is also an investment and a risk, which consequently doesn't get me further, but will slow me down financially and potentially be an emotional drain. I see a relationship as a threat to my freedom, privacy, and a diminished quality of life due to external factors and behaviors beyond my control. Solutitude gives me peace, clarity of mind, and a sense of purpose and direction that is my own without compromise. I don't do dating apps and social media is limited to youtube and reddit. Most singles reside on the apps, so they would never find me anyway. Anyone who finds me in the wild will be met with disunion that shows interest specific to sex and dating.
That's beautiful :) It sounds like an amazing journey you're on. What you say about being single as showing yourself love, resonates with me.
I'm single by choice. I've had long term relationships, and have poured a lot of effort and patience into them, and I've given more that I had. Now, I'm just me. I use my spare time on going to concerts, often alone because I like to, and other fun things. I have many, deep relations - family and friends - and I feel connected to them in an easy and uncomplicated way. I feel more relaxed than I have in many years.
I've always felt like the biggest reason I never had a whole lot of interest in relationships was because of the examples set by my parents and my grandparents. All three of these couples were quite miserable, though in each case it was generally that the woman was cold, demanding, harsh, unfair, unreasonable, etc. while the husband just lacked the courage to stand up for himself. It was tough to watch. And being a male myself, a quiet, people-pleasing one that can easily become a pushover, that was the last thing I wanted for me.
I have pursued relationships and been in them, once for a year and once for two, but I felt quite trapped in one as I slowly learned I didn't feel anything for her but was afraid to walk away, and the other was largely just me going after someone who I thought was hot but who really wasn't a good match for me. The former, I did walk away eventually, and even though my mom has died and I've run a full marathon and I've been through grad school, I still consider breaking up with her the hardest thing I've ever endured in my life. It's not because it was wrong for me because it absolutely was the RIGHT thing for me; I just felt so awful for her. My life would have been a lot different if I just felt something for her, loved her, but alas, I did not. 🤷
I don't know that my heart has ever really been in this. Some people pursue love like their life depended on it and I never understood where that came from.
To this day, dating terrifies me. I am generally so nervous about a date that I can barely sleep the night before, the day of a first date is an absolute nightmare and generally wasted to anxiety, and the aftermath of a date is such a relief, like walking out the door of a final exam in a challenging college class... That's the closest parallel I can think of. That seems like a trauma response to me, lol. Because that's kind of an intense, over-the-top reaction, no?
I've talked this through with MULTIPLE therapists, and their advice is just, eh, dating can be scary, just deal with the anxiety and try to ignore it and get yourself a wife and all will be well. It's only this past year that I came to realize that maybe this is terrible advice, that perhaps my answers aren't destined to come from a woman but rather from myself. I ditched the therapist, lol.
I'm choosing to be single because of a traumatic marriage and divorce that led to me getting therapy. From there I learned to love myself and prioritize myself and my own goals. Basically I learned to be the main character in my own life story. It feels so great that I haven't had interest in bringing someone into my life.
I've been doing my own thing and my life has steadily improved in all areas. There is a feeling that bringing someone else into my life will slow my progress down or bring it to a complete stop. I've not really benefited from romantic relationships in any way in the past. I know that if I start dating again, I have the tools to choose better but the motivation isn't there. I'm happy alone.
I just heard a quote on a movie the other day that fits my situation perfectly.
"If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company." - Jean-Paul Sartre
I'm never lonely because I truly enjoy my own company and the things I have going on in my life.
Same. Thank you.