During therapy I realized that big life milestones are usually with couples---buying a house (I bought a condo but seemed to not be a big deal to my family since it was just me vs if I was married), starting a family, getting married, etc.
It's kind of sad in a way how single hood accomplishments don't get the same big vibes. I read about some people throwing their own wedding for themselves and I love that. I may buy myself a wedding dress honestly for fun.
I can't help but feel like my accomplishments are less sometimes. I'm running my first marathon next year and that's a huge life event to me, but it's not as big as marriage or children or an anniversary so wouldn't be treated as important in my family...
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I feel like buying a house as a single person is even more amazing considering we have to make up the amount by ourselves.
Riiiight? Especially in this ungodly economy.
Agreed!
I bought a house last year and maybe got a few congrats but then people started asking why I don’t have a boyfriend, why I’m not getting married, not having kids. I deactivated my social media because I was done
Are you me?
Bought a home and crickets..
But of course, I was expected to celebrate and gift everyone for their proposals and baby showers.
Got rid of socials as well.
I’d rather just chat/interact with likeminded people here.
Right? Like I don’t give a fuck about your baby, or your proposal but people expect you to give a gift or money
Seems like you know exactly what your big milestones are, just your family doesn't :) so the real question isn't 'do single people have milestones', but rather, are you able to uncouple what's right for you from your families's mindset/expectations of you, which may not be best for your life?
I come from a very large family with EVERYONE married, even my cousins in their early 20s. I'm 31F.
It's hard to untangle that mindset because all of them are very family oriented and I don't think I want kids. The hardest thing is the judgement. The feeling like there's something wrong with me. Being asked why I don't have a partner makes it sound like it's my fault?
I feel very free, but yes, unconventional. I wish I could be celebrated by them for my accomplishments. I think I seek that validation from them a lot.
I think growth happens from generation to generation, and that it's only normal to do things a bit differently than your parents. Some people follow too closely in the footsteps of their parents and end up with a life they don't want. The struggle you describe is a classic one. I wish you all the best 😊
I really needed this today. Thank you.
I feel that. My solution has been to interact with family as little as possible. Lol
Comparison is illogical because everyone has different genetics and life circumstances. It's never apples to apples. So I try to simply focus on what makes sense for me, and if other people think I'm weird or pitiable, that's their problem.
Good luck, and do what is right for you. 🙂
Bought a house about 9 months after the breakup. That was a good one. Also going from obese class II to healthy was another milestone. My next one is to get my freelance business up and running with this camera I just purchased.
Those are huge! Congrats!!!
Congrats on all of your hard work! Those are all excellent accomplishments!
I'll be celebrating 10 years in business for myself this year and I'm sure my family will completely overlook it. We all should find ways to celebrate our successes. I need to think through how I'll celebrate mine - maybe a week off from work? 😜
Congrats on the fitness! I have a friend going through that journey and I keep thinking we need to have some kind of celebration for her. 🤔
Buying a house alone - huge. I am the first woman in my family who achieved this.
Becoming financially independent.
Becoming exquisite in own style.
Learning a new skill that takes years of dedication.
Publishing something. Leaving a legacy through a community worthy project.
Getting a promotion.
Becoming the first in the world in something.
And every single birthday! 😊
This may sound bratty, but I’ve realized that sometimes we have to demand space where it gets created for married people. At one point, I had to have a strong conversation with my mother about how she had to start treating me as equal to my married sibling. And then I started aggressively setting boundaries with her. For example, she once assumed I could house sit for her because I’m single. I told her no and then told her I’d say yes when she could prove that she was asking my sibling for these kinds of favors too. She’s gotten better over time, but she still fucks up.
I think that's what bothers me. How in society or even in families we are treated less.
Good for you. I have a mother like that too.
You are my hero! That rules and good on ya
I consider not having to pay for a wedding a HUGE bullet dodged. They can keep that shit. For what my sister spent on her wedding, I could have multiple LUXURIOUS vacations and I'll take that over a stupid party you throw for family and friends you don't even care about most of the time.
I was just talking to my therapist about this a few weeks ago and I came to the same conclusion. For me, the issue is more that I never went through many of the rites of passage that society has deemed essential to becoming an adult, most of which are sexual/romantic in nature - losing one's virginity, having one's first long-term relationship, marriage, buying a house (with two incomes), and having children. Of course, society prizes some non-sexual accomplishments, too, like getting a first job or learning to drive, but the sexual ones really "stick." And as women I think that even though we've come a long way, there's still more of a social imperative to be a girlfriend, wife, and mother than there is to prosper intellectually, creatively, economically, or politically. Because entering (and remaining in) the sexual world is in large part how we define adulthood, it's been difficult for me to feel like a true adult, even though I'm well into adulthood. So I have to redefine what it means for me to be an accomplished adult away from the romantic/sexual constructions, and that's what I'm currently working on doing - finding ways to feel grown-up despite not having followed society's sexual outline for that.
Congratulations on your marathon - and even more of a congratulations for being your own person despite pushback from your family. Your accomplishments may or may not matter all that much to others, but they matter to you, and that's what counts.
This 100! I’m aroace and feel utterly immature compared to my peers, because I’ve failed to “prove” that I’m a real adult in this. The only people I see praised for their successes, are in couples.
It’s tough and demoralizing a lot of the time. And with my job I will never be able to afford a home, have strong financial security etc.
And before anyone pipes up with jUsT mAKe yOuR oWN MiLeStOnEs :))) - yes I can and I have, but it is exhausting and I’m fed up having to work harder to prove my worth compared to “normal” straight people.
I'll pipe up with that, with age, I have increasingly less need for external validation/praise and don't feel the need to "prove" my worth to anyone. The older I get, the fewer effs I have to give. And with age came the realization that many couples aren't actually all that successful and are jealous that I don't have to order my life around anyone except me. So, hopefully things will get better for you with time. Remember, comparison is the thief of joy.
My recent milestone is actually being totally grateful and ok with what I have and where I’m at. Worked hard to be here and I don’t really need anymore accomplishments. My life feels totally easy going now. No more hedonistic treadmill.
This is exactly what I'm hoping for in 2026. I've accomplished a lot and am a bit of an overachiever, and I truly exhaust myself. I'm starting a new job with a better schedule and fewer hours in January, and the 4 days off I'll have every week will be for relaxation and hobbies. Can't wait for that "easy" feeling!
Congrats on the new job! Hope you enjoy the extra time
Thank you!
Ive had a lot of milestones as a newly single person and though they may seem small to others they are huge to me. A few: buying a house, overseeing the remodeling of it, becoming a landlord, planning foreign trips and traveling alone, going to a MLB game alone
I’m about to buy a house and I’m seriously considering starting a fund of some sort that people can donate to for my inevitable expenses. And being very transparent and clear that I’m doing this and asking for money because I am never going to have a wedding and I’m never gonna have children because those are not things that I want or am working toward, and I believe single people deserve generosity and support, too.
You could also have a housewarming party. I think part of what OP is objecting to is for some of these other events, like marriage or a kid, social norms call for relatives to throw a party FOR you. But with buying a house, it’s only a big deal if you make it a big deal yourself.
I’d just plan a party and then include a link to where you are “registered” so people understand you want “help me get settled” gifts just like a newly married couple does.
This is a fantastic idea. It’s a much softer approach than what I was thinking, which admittedly was coming from a place of resentment, and that doesn’t tend to work with people or win hearts. Thank you for your kind and gentle redirection! And I do love to throw a good party 🤩
Fantastic! I hope you have a great time and get lovely gifts. 🎁
lol. An anniversary? For real? Anniversaries just commemorate a milestone.
I don’t know your family dynamics, but a marathon in my family would be a really big deal. So would a home purchase, regardless of marital state.
It’s time you celebrate your own accomplishments. Invite your family along for the ride. But don’t wait for them to celebrate you. If you think about it, a couple planning a wedding IS celebrating themselves. Because they’re hyped about what they’re doing. Hype yourself!!
Nah.. don't care about what others think. Set and celebrate your own milestones yourself. The way we feel and look at the world is greatly influenced by our society norms and culture. If you can change your mindset to bypass all those that don't make sense to you, you'll be feeling great. 😊
Paying off your student loans, car note, solo travel, having plenty of money in the bank, and getting into physical shape
moving out on my own
getting my bachelors, masters, and PhD
getting a book published
I amp myself up on my own accomplishments, regardless if anyone else cares. If anything, I thought it was a bigger deal when I got my house on my own than if I’d done so with a partner. Though admittedly, my immediate family was just as excited for me there.
Don’t sell yourself short on the condo, OP. That’s still an awesome win! And if you want to treat yourself to a wedding dress, have at it. It can feel somewhat novel finding our own ways of celebrating our milestones being single. But just because society doesn’t see the validity doesn’t mean it’s not there.
I just bought a house and my family was very excited and supportive about it. My aunt even wanted to throw me a house shower like a wedding shower.
When i was younger i had figured i would just buy a house when i got married, so realizing i was happy single freed me up to look for a place for myself.
But i do know what you mean. After i bought the house i felt like well…now what? Like what are my life goals now? I thought about it a lot and finally decided that just living well - “living my best life” as cheesy as that is - is a perfectly worthwhile goal in itself.
Getting a degree, then PhD, first furbaby, second furbaby, buying apartment, getting good job after years of contract work.
Imo it's way larger of an accomplishment to do these things on your own with no help/ partner!
Even homeownership aside. Upgrading your living space in general, whether you DIY something or move into something you deem "nicer".
Taking yourself on a bucket list vacation. Or even just a soul searching trip!
Bringing yourself to the 5* fancy ass restaurant on the other side of town everyone has heard of but few are willing to splurge to try it. Or even taking cooking classes to bring your culinary experience at home to the next level!
Our whole lives we are told that success is related to another person, or money, or power. That's just bs if you ask me.
Life is better the less responsibility you hold, the less value you put on material objects, and the less you depend on validation from others to find your own happiness.
Imo success is freedom. Financial stability is extremely helpful. But being free from commitments is the ultimate milestone. Existing to fulfill your own dreams and pursue your own goals, independent from others opinion, never depending on anyone or anything that can let you down aside from your own efforts.
I think its the most amazing milestone of all tbf.
I feel the same!! I’m always like damn, I’m always celebrating something about someone else who is getting married or having kids…what am I doing? Then I remind myself that my ow milestones can be celebrated if I want them to be too!!
We have our own milestones.
Buying a home is a big one.
I can’t afford an actual house but I was able to buy a travel trailer a couple of years ago.
Next year I’m planning a trip to Europe.
I want to travel and plan a trip for myself every year.
It’s a big world and I want to see some of it before I die.
Understand, it is ridiculous, and people are tougher on a single woman than a single man IME.
I love that you asked this. Some milestones i think would be buying a home, buying a vehicle, getting a new job or a promotion, getting a pet, winning an award, making steps in a hobby you enjoy.
Buying a home by yourself should honestly be celebrated MORE than if you’re doing it with someone else. It can be so overwhelming and takes WAY more planning and saving on one salary.
Next time someone asks you why you don’t have a partner say something like “hmmm.. I don’t know. But I love my life so I guess im not looking!”
Are you sure these aren’t pressures/expectations you’re putting on yourself? I mean, maybe not — maybe you have a really judgmental or demanding family?
Either way, again — you gotta celebrate yourself! You sound accomplished, intelligent, and fascinating!
Went no contact with my parents over a year ago now. It became very apparent that they didn't care over the many years of my life. So I decided I wanted to stop pretending. They weren't horrible by any means, they just didn't care. It's pretty clear i suffered from childhood neglect from some of the research I've done.
I did similar things to what your describing though. Created my own goals, in my case, I've been enjoying endurance 100 mile bike races. Have had my own house. Progressing in my career. Just have to keep soldering on.
Still working on myself: going to the gym 5-6 times a week, independent and pay for my own apartment and car payments, going back to school in February for a degree. EFT tapping and working on telling myself I love me everyday. Still working on the money aspect I’ll get there but these are huge wins for me. Also not begging or chasing ex to come back in my life and love me, instead loving me
Learning to play guitar and starting a band. We toured all COlombia.
Learning to Iron, wash and dry my clothes.
Cooking.
Doing sound for bands since 1990.
Learning English.
Recording music.
Excelling in school.
Sewing my first Metal vest patches.
Moving out of the house and then moving to New York.
Working at Much Music in Colombia.
Having Me time at the Guggenheim, The Met, MoMA, Cooper, PS1 on my birthdays.
Decorating my apartments.
With people, yeah, traveling would be OK, so would be having sex. After 2 years of my divorce, I don't change it for anything. Writing this while listening to Voices from the Lake, making pasta at 5 in the morning and going on a gallery walk later.
I had my public PhD defense last year and always joked it was the closest to a wedding I'd ever get. But jokes aside, I really get what you mean. It gives me comfort to realise the absence of milestones to celebrate is also the absence of some arbitrary timeline your life is on: I don't have to make sure I get the big trips off my bucket list before I "settle down"; or worry about finding the right partner before my body is too old to have kids. I can (re)arrange my life whenever I want to and I absolutely love that freedom.
Congrats on your first marathon! That's a huge accomplishment!
Your accomplishments aren't any less because you are single. They are actually more impressive. We have less disposable income than most couples. You need to celebrate them yourself. It never matters what others think anyway.
I'm disabled and it's taken 2 weeks to put together a rise/fall desk that takes 30 mins to put together because my knees don't work, and I've had to bend from the waist. It's been agony, but it's done now!
Be super proud, my lovely!
Buying a condo as a single person is a big accomplishment!
Part of the issue is that mainstream milestones aren't just about an individual. They're about "adding to the team." Marriage? Adding a person & their family to the family team. Pregnancy/birth? Adding one or more person to the family team. Maybe in collective environments graduations, new jobs, promotions, and homes bought by single people are celebrated more because of the expectation to use the related financial gains to help the family team.