My sister was telling me about an argument her and her boyfriend had about where to spend the holidays and blah blah blah. At the end of it, he's apologizing and she so proud of how she kept her cool. She considered it a win, but I couldn't believe the way he spoke to her and they way she is constantly trying to change him to be how she wants.
And I didn't know what to say because all I could think was - I'm so glad I'm single! Of course, that's not a nice way to respond. I think I just made an excuse to hang up or something. What do you say when people are complaining about their relationships without just being like "sucks for you, I'm happy. Be single!" Lol
Welcome to r/SingleAndHappy! A community for people who are intentionally single and are happy.
No negativity, disrespect, solicitation, or off-topic content.
Review previous discussions before posting.
Check out the pinned post for helpful resources: New to being single? Need advice on how to be happy? START HERE!
Reminder: this subreddit is not intended to seek advice on mental health and relationships. Please respect the community's guidelines and direct those questions to subreddits dedicated to advice and support.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Nothing good comes from this
Right? So sad how women have been programmed into wanting to “fix” losers and broken men
It reminds me of the 2010s "pixie manic dream girl" archetype.
I have never heard this phrase before and yet I’ve seen it typed twice today on Reddit in just the last hour. The other post used it to describe Zoey Deschanel. 😂
Grin. Even my ex-witch couldn't change my lost soul and threw me out like a used chicken liver.
Good relationships aren't like that. You can honestly say "that was not nice of him" and that "you can't change people". They're true but people like your sister unfortunately won't believe a word, before there's divorce.
Even then she will blame it on him.
I would not say anything. I would just let her vent about her relationshit.
☎️📞🦄
Relationshit 😂
I respond that way all the time.
“So grateful I’m single and live alone!”
I listen to them and commiserate with them because I’d do that for anyone no matter who they’re complaining about. However, if my loved one constantly complains about the same issues and never takes steps to fix it, I will stop being a participant in any venting sessions about it.
In your case I would have confirmed how well she handled it, especially if she was proud of herself about it. If there is anything actually problematic as opposed to normal relationship friction, I’d also gently throw in some critiques that would hopefully help her reexamine the exchange.
If you would listen to her complain about your parents or her friends and be able to be there for her, there’s no reason it should be any different when it’s her boyfriend. You don’t have to be able to understand why someone makes the choice to be in a relationship to empathize with the emotions our loved ones are feeling.
She’s looking for emotional connection. If you shut her down every time she tries to talk about this very big part of her life, you’ll lose that connection. It would be the same if she changed the subject or ignored issues around something or someone important to you just because it’s not a choice she would make.
Yeah, i think the issue is that it's repetitive - always complaining about the same things and not doing anything to fix it. I just don't know what to say anymore.
"What steps are you taking so that this doesn't happen in the future?"
And then pray it's filing for divorce so this is the last you'll hear of it. /j
I agree 100% and am shocked how many people seem to think that just because they have chosen to be single they can respond to others’ relationship woes with a single self-congratulatory sentence. Even if OP’s sister “chose this” and would be better off single, she needs her sister to listen, validate her emotions, and gently guide her toward rethinking what she is willing to tolerate.
My friends certainly listen when I complain about conflicts between me and my aging parents or my other close friends. Staying single doesn’t eliminate relationship drama completely, not change our desire to talk with the people we’re close to about whatever is affecting us emotionally.
If their my friend i listen and empathize with their problems as they do with me? I guess i don't understand the question. If I like cats and my friend doesn't like cats, my friend will still listen to me if I'm venting about my cat problems like vet bills etc. They will not say: oh man, I'm so glad I don't have cats, stop talking about that.
We are friends and family, and I want to know how they are doing in their life as they do with me.
No one should be anyone else's project.
I do not say anything. I just listen because that's their own problem and no one knows what happens behind closed doors.
I do have a friend who the only thing he can speak of is how his girlfriend is a slob or lazy and I don't really like it, but I do not say anything.
You should tell him to leave her if he sincerely can't talk to her about it. No reason to promote that to wife and I'd say it to a woman dealing with it in a man just as well.
I love living alone and only having to be responsible for my own messes. It's so freeing.
I don't make people my project.
This was nowhere a recommendation to make anyone your project, my guy. Either hang the phone up then or continue to be a trash can for another person’s relational angst.
And you stop giving advice, because the "it's easy" shit is just not healthy.
I didn’t say it was easy lol. You quit being assmad and inferring advice I did not give you.
Fuck off. Enjoy your advice. It’s worth what you paid for it.
I've set a boundary that I don't listen to complaints about relationships especially if you're not willing to leave. They CHOSE this and it's WAY different than listening to people moan about family they didn't get to chose. I have 0 patience for it fr fr
This is the way. Just for your own sanity.
I'm rude af! How many times have I been grilled about being single? How often have status quo people pitied me and given me advice on how to not be me? I'm straight flippant. My most common response is "welp, you made your choice". Another fan favorite is "dang, that sounds frustrating." When I'm super tired of it, I talk about how I can't relate because all my time is MY time. I talk about how rested I am living by myself. If I'm feeling generous, I remind them of how much they wanted this and ask if their good times are really so amazing that it makes the bad times better. I take my lonely cat lady stereotype and rub it in their faces with glee.
Same! lol!
One of my greatest hits is “shit like that is why I’m single.”
I use that line specifically for someone who has tried to make me feel bad about being single.
Another line I enjoy is “ever considered divorce?”
Everyone I know seems to hate their partners.
When I look back on my past relationships I hated those people too!
Why stay?
Excellent point! And she has definitely given me crap about choosing to be single
“You chose him/her/they/them.”
I’m not suger coating shit anymore. I just straight up say to leave them.
“But we need to compromise!” If something is harming you that much then no you don’t. Even if your partner eventually gives you what you want if he had to berate, be rude, or insult you to get there honey you a victim.
🙁🫤 <- these become my facial expressions.
The solution is divorce.
Divorce, divorce, divorce. Become a SingleAndHappy. Don't complain, divorce.
I’d generally say, “reason number 8,760,543 I’m so happy I’m single!”
I actually did almost say this! Lol it's the truth
I think people also need to understand that trying to “change” someone into whatever version makes you happy is manipulative and leads to a lot of control that can be highly toxic.
I am always super careful with couples because your words will at some point be used against you
I don't get involved for this reason. My BIL filed and I've tried to stay out as much as I can--divorces and separations still cause rifts that last even if the singles can feel smug about it.
plus sometimes they get back together 😬
Not these ones.
My brother is bipolar and psychotic. I’d love to say I had more influence but his now-former spouse pulled the plug on this relationshit all by himself. Proud of him for no longer putting up with the abuse!
I basically always respond with that’s why I’m single.
These people will never leave and choose themselves. It is a fool's errand to try to get them to see they are putting on more heartache than anything. Do not fall for the feedback loop.
I think it sucks to make it about you when a family or friend needs an ear. I know everyone is single for different reasons but can’t you just… be there for her? Regardless if her choices are foolish or not.
I honestly wonder how people on here maintain any relationship sometimes. I can be petty, but not ‘damage my close relationships by shutting down emotional connection because I got annoyed at something they said’ petty.
I’ll listen to my friends bitch about anything they want to and they do the same for me. If it’s a reoccurring issue that they refuse to address and just want to vent constantly about, I table those discussions, but otherwise I’m here for my people just like they are for me.
I agree but it’s so frustrating seeing people accept and normalize disrespect in relationships. Then when you offer the most sugar coated advice they STILL don’t listen. Like at a certain point I just want to tell them to leave that person and to put themselves first. Idk how I can just stand by all mute and stuff while someone I know and love is getting disrespected
What you said is understandable and I agree with you. No one is asking folks to sugarcoat things. Be honest and even harsh with your friends that need it. Giving actual advice is completely different than saying “ha! Sucks for you! Good thing I’m single.”
Well the thing is that I’m sure many people here respond like that now because they are tired of offering advice and being ignored by their friends.
Which I get for sure but OP didn’t portray that they were tired of giving ignored advice. It seemed like it was just their sister venting about her relationship.
Yeah, if you’re continuously giving advice to someone and they don’t take it, it makes sense to be annoyed and I too would not take their situation seriously.
It really depends on whether or not they’ve made comments about me being single.
They chose this.
They can also choose not to deal with nonsense just like I have.
To me, the two things are unrelated. If I feel a friend has been critical of my lifestyle or dismissed my feelings as somehow invalid because I choose to be single, then I’ll tell them how I feel about it when it happens. If they don’t respond well or improve their behavior, I might distance myself from them.
But when they’re upset, if we’re still close enough friends that they want to talk to me about it, I will meet them where they are as a person who has chosen to be in a couple, is feeling emotions about it, and wants to connect with me by talking about the situation.
Question- when you came to them hurting and upset about something in your life, did they use that opportunity to comment on your singleness?
Or
Are the single comments just those rude off the cuff ones people make in general and doesn’t have anything to do with a struggle or a vent session?
Because if you’re refusing to be emotionally available for your friends because they joked about you being single a few times, that seems a bit unfair, but if you’re refusing to be emotionally available because they used a time you were emotionally vulnerable to make comments on your singleness, it makes sense.
It’s more off the cuff comments.
Honestly, now that I’m single I don’t really have problems!
Thank you internet stranger for pointing that out.
I never really thought about that aspect of being single!
Overall I would not say anything and just listen because my type of consoling people when it comes to obvious bs, is brutal.
Get them to speak more lol... You can deploy the TED method.
Tell more/how/ why.. Elaborate on that... Describe how....
If you use this adnaseum sometimes people say some wild things.
Once you get tired and fed up:
If you are willing to risk the relationship, then mirror, but brace, this is risky...
From whatever they say pick something that is obviously unhealthy and go with the why. Yup, throw it back at them. Hot ball incoming.
[""Insert wild unhealthy quote anecdote"];then say "Why are you so into something that is so unhealthy?" or any type of line that promote serious thinking.
They are either not going to like it or not realize that you just committed inception. If they are somewhat on the right path they might start to think that something must change.
TED works on everything like wonderful healthy conversations because what people want the most is just to be heard in a world that does not want to listen.
I’m going to try this! Sometimes I just stop actively listening with repetitive complaints and it’s hard to hide my “oh, no….so anyway…” face. Not necessarily proud of that.
Girl idk people should not approach me about stuff like this because my response every time is “dump him” or “divorce him”.
But tbh you should tell her to leave.
"You could change it if you wanted to" goes over GREAT.*
*It does not actually. Please don't do this if you value the person you're talking to even kind of.